<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I need help to get past my addiction with "the other guy" who happens to also be married. It is true that I get things from HIM that I dont get from spouse. I know they both love me but I have 3 kids and a husband who does love me. I have wanted to go into counseling together but he has always rejected that idea - saying "our problems are no one else's business" We dont really talk much and I am a talker. I dont want to hurt my kids or my family. I also dont want HIM or his kids hurt. I just cant get past this - for 4 years now. I have to and I dont know how. I want to love my husband with all my heart. Today I sit here and wish I would just have a heart attack, stroke or anything to take me away. I deserve to feel awful and horrible because that is what I am. That is not who I want to be though. To any spouse that has been cheated on - I am sorry.

What a terrible place to be in.

I am sorry that you are soooooo down.

I am a BS, but realized my part I played in the downfall of my M.

It's time to get real with your H. Time for a heart to heart, where you expose your actions with this MM and let the dust settle for awhile. Point your H to this site.

Your A sounds like a cry for help, but help never came...now it's time for a SHOUT for help, but in a way you can feel better about it.

Larlar, Don't wait for your H to go to counseling with you. Go for yourself. It will help you sort out the why's and help you move forward with your marriage if that is what you want. First things first you need to tell the OM it is over. Seeing a counselor will hopefully help you with the pain this might cause you as well as the pain you have caused your own family.

Cold turkey.

That's the only way.

Does you husband know about it? If he doesn't, odds are that he'll jump at the chance for counseling once he realizes how much peril your marriage is really in. You gotta tell him eventually, the sooner the better.

Also, tell your OM's wife. Fight this addiction from both directions - he's addicted, too.

Regardless, there are many former wayward spouses here that will help you. Keep your open mind and you'll get the help you need. But we will be adamant about coming clean with all the involved parties - that's the first step and the biggest step. Unburden yourself and the rest will be easier.

And welcome.

if your spouse won't go to MC with you, go to counseling alone. you need someone to talk to. oyu HAVE TO END ALL CONTACT WITH THE IF YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE TO SURVIVE AND BE A GOOD ONE. OBVIOUSLY, you have a lot worth fighting for. i know that it is not easy, but you can do it. there are people on this site with more exp. then me that can help you.it has only been 10 weeks since i found out aboput my wife's affair, so i am far from thru it or an expert.tell your spouse you want to change and make your M better[if that is how you feel] and ask him to go to counseling again. my wife asked me 10-12 years ago and i said same thing as yours did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> now, boy do i wish i would have gone. good luck,..arjdad

Hey ll. An unfortunate welcome to MB. But what a great place to start. There's so much to read and learn--and you are willing to do the work, so, get to it!

I'm just reiterating what WAT and dad said:
COLD TURKEY--ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NO CONTACT with the OM. Recovery within yourself and your M does not start without that.

Does your H know? If not, he needs to know. He has that right. Like it's also been said, if he doesn't go to C, go yourself.

Start reading and certainly ask/vent away!

Now, get to work!

Larlar,

Have you ended it with this OM?? Four years is a long time. I had my A for about 3 years. I'm a FWW. My A was with a woman (not that that matters much!). The longer it goes on, the harder it seems to shake. My D Day was this past May and she ended things, but I've come a LONG way as far as recovery.

Do you want to rebuild things with your H? Do you want to end it with the OM? Therapy for yourself sounds good right now. Maybe they can help you sort things out. Good luck!

CC

larlar
well you dont need to say sorry to any of us BS you know. Thats for your Husband and OM's wife.

However many here can help YOU with advice and sharing their experiences.
My wife uses this site a lot under 'Aussieswife' and went through much of what you are feeling. In fact she still does as it goes on for a long time.

You will need to end it with OM asap, no way around that one and you will need to do it 'cold turkey' as any other way seems to lead to disaster.

DEFINITELY get counselling right now for you and then you will need to tell your husband. No way around that either.

Its not easy of course and you will be afraid I guess but nothing worthwhile is going to be easy. Ask as many questions as you like here and I use it to vent as well instead of yelling at AW over different issues.

Welcome aboard.

I am a wayward husband who has been trying to cut all ties to the OW for 2 months now. 3 weeks today since my last phone conversation and almost 2 weeks since last email. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, the feelings of hopelessness are incredible. But it is doable and the feelings of hopelessness are waning with each passing day.
1. cut off the contact with the other guy
2. go to a MC
3. get a friend to talk too
I know it sounds impossible but hang in there. In my case, talking to a friend who holds me accountable has been my saving grace.

Well, I just wrote the proverbial Dear John letter. I feel even worse now. Took a Xanax last night and a valium today. I want to make it through. Thank you all for not blasting me and telling me that I am the horrible person that I am.

Would that have helped for you to have been blasted? Or run you away? I am glad you are here.


Are you going to work on your M, or work on your R with OM? What does the Dear John Letter say?

<small>[ December 28, 2004, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

lar - you will not be blasted as long as you maintain the humbleness you have already demonstrated.

That said, a hurting betrayed spouse may take pot shots at WSs who post here as a form of venting. Just be ready for it and realize they're not shooting at you, per se.

We will be stern, however, if we detect you slipping. But we're equal opportunity and do the same with BSs who need a good talking to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Writing the letter will set you free. Please leave no room for further contact. No face-to-face "closure" charades or goodbyes.

Please consider showing us the text of your letter - we have lots of experience with these and can maybe save you some anguish if you have said something inappropriate.

WAT

larlar... you are not a terrible person. What you did wasn't so great, but you're not a bad person. Most people here are reasonably civil, especially with FWSs like you (and me) who are trying to make things right.

Total NC is necessary, do it now. Withdrawal will be difficult, but you can get through it. IC and MC are helpful.

There is also a forum at symc.com called "reclamation" that is made for people like you and me. You have to get permission to get in, but it's a safe place to post and seek advice. A lot of people who post here also post there.

Good luck, and hang in there!

Well I didnt save the letter and it is gone in the mail already. I told him that I am sure that he expected this, me saying it had to be over. We have alot to lose and I am not prepared to lose it. I mentioned a gift his wife got him for Christmas and that she does not approve of it but because she loves him - she did. And that said that he should love her back. I told him open doors, call her - basically all the things that I want for me I told him give and do them for her. I told him that I hope he understands that it has to be this way. There is a problem though that I dont know how to handle - we live in a small town and our kids are involved in some same activities so it is almost inevitable to not see him at said activities and that I dont know how to cross. Someone asked if I want to make my marriage work - emphatically yes. I have a husband who loves me with all my many faults and three beautiful and healthy children. 18 years is alot to throw away and I am not ready to lose it now. Why didnt I come to this before?? He loves ME. And we are worth it.

I didn't understand, the dear John letter is for the OM.....ooohhhh, I thought it was for your BH.

Time to tell your H EVERYTHING...become accountable for NO MORE CONTACT, and time to tell the OM's W.

Should have made a copy of the letter so your H could read it though and been confident there was no more contact.

Danger sign though, you asked a question in your letter, which means you do not want this to be the last contact you both have, you are expecting a reply, instead of ending it. Another letter is probably coming, one both you and your H write and send together.

no my question was not to him but to all of you. The fact that we live in a small town and that our children are involved in some same activities how will we be able NOT to see each other. And why should I tell him wife. I cant choose for him to make his marriage work.

no my question was not to him but to all of you. The fact that we live in a small town and that our children are involved in some same activities how will we be able NOT to see each other. And why should I tell him wife. I cant choose for him to make his marriage work. I dont understand

no my question was not to him but to all of you. The fact that we live in a small town and that our children are involved in some same activities how will we be able NOT to see each other. And why should I tell him wife. I cant choose for him to make his marriage work. I dont understand

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by larlar:
<strong> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I need help to get past my addiction with "the other guy" who happens to also be married. It is true that I get things from HIM that I dont get from spouse. I know they both love me but I have 3 kids and a husband who does love me. I have wanted to go into counseling together but he has always rejected that idea - saying "our problems are no one else's business" We dont really talk much and I am a talker. I dont want to hurt my kids or my family. I also dont want HIM or his kids hurt. I just cant get past this - for 4 years now. I have to and I dont know how. I want to love my husband with all my heart. Today I sit here and wish I would just have a heart attack, stroke or anything to take me away. I deserve to feel awful and horrible because that is what I am. That is not who I want to be though. To any spouse that has been cheated on - I am sorry. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Larlar:

How are you doing? I know what you are going through, I’ve been there myself. Ending the affair and dealing with the grief and the loss of the OP (and dealing with the hurt to my spouse) is one of the most painful things that I have ever experienced. My affair was three years ago . . . and I’m still damaged . . .

The feeling of despair and self-hate are strong. I too wished my life would just stop that I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I too have kids so snuffing myself or running away weren't viable options.

Recovering from this mess is difficult. It is horrible knowing how badly you hurt all these people that you have around you. If you want to repair your marriage, this is a good place to get some information. Read. Find out what this guy was giving you that your husband wasn’t. Try to discover the reasons that your marriage got to the place where you thought an affair was a valid option.

Does your husband know about this? Does the OP’s wife?

This is one of those times I spoke of earlier - when we have to tell you something you don't want to hear.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by larlar:
<strong>And why should I tell him wife. I cant choose for him to make his marriage work. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Correct, but shouldn't she be able to choose to make it work?

She ought to have the knowledge of what's going on so she gets to decide what to do. Up till now, she didn't have the benefit of knowing or deciding.

From your vantage point, informing her will relieve you of a big burden. No need to carry this around with you, and it will help prevent you from a full recovery.

WAT