This is my first post...
My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years, together for a total of 11 1/2...I recently confessed to a one night stand which happened on a busines trip 6 months before our wedding.
He needs me to help him get through this but I don't know how I am afraid that if I tell him the details it will things worse. I love my husband with all of my heart and want to do all I can to save our marriage - I guess I am scared and all I do is cry - whch makes him angrier. Can anyone offer me some help? I do not have anyone to talk to who has been through a similar situation - I feel absolutely horrible and like the worst most evil person in all the world. How could I do this to someone I love more than anything - why did I even tell him??? Moreover - why did I even do that - what was I thinking??? I have been reading that I owe it to him to answer all of his questions honestly - it hurts to - but I guess that is the least I can do...where do I start????

kampm,

Where do you start ? you already answer your own question ... as many BS would react, H would ask you the detail, give it to him as much as he want to know. Be honest and answer all question truthfully.

-rh-

Hello Kam,

Well I feel for you, but not too much as I'm a BS that is going through some of the same garbage as your H is right now. Here's the deal, you had a ONS before you were married. Was it wrong...definately. Could your situation be worse? DEFINATELY. Have you been faithful since you've been married? What caused you to have the ONS? How was your marriage before you exposed yourself... which by the way was brave and commendable. I wouldn't call you evil. I'm sure a veteran will be along shortly to give some advice.

I would say be an open book. Show your H everything he wants to know, your cell, email, bank records, dental records <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Everything. Tell him if he has any questions that you'd be willing to answer them... WHICH IS A MUST FROM YOU. You should probably go get into counseling as well.

Just my thoughts
Native

Thanks for responding.
The way I confessed was because he had accused me of acting inappropriately at my Company Christmas party (work in different company than when A happened)...we were arguing - felt tlike I was in pressure cooker (he is a detective for a living) and I told him - I said I have not cheated on you while we were married..then one thing led to another and it spilled out. Guiltily I felt some relief after saying it that it was out - but I hurt him so much.
Went to counselor 1x myself and then the next week with H. After, H told me I need to pray for a miracle b/c the way he is seeing it, this is over. But he is going to the next session with me.
It is difficult for me to tell him all of the details when it happened so long ago...he thinks I am now unfaithful to him - which I am not. I told him I would do anything - quit my job, anything...

What that GUY (native00) said...he is right on the money.

Open Book...Open Book....Open Book.

Well..

The good news is..you have not committed adultery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The bad news is that instead you have committed fraud <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If it were me..it would be important to distinguish between the two as I attempted to rebuild trust.

He may not have married you had he known..that is where the fraud comes into play..failing to disclose relevant information.

Now..since he was also obviously very displeased with your current behavior re interaction with the opposite sex...it looks like you may have a long way to walk before you rest.

Have you become familiar with MB principles in general? There is a thumbnail outline available on this site free of charge..if you like what you see perhaps you could buy the books to use together.

I would suggest continued honesty and full disclosure as a way of life from here to eternity.

I would suggest a pro-marriage counselor

I would suggest IC for both but make SURE that you see one whether he goes or not..this issue needs to be addressed..unfortunately..and I do not mean to be overly harsh..but as this method of interacting with the opposite sex has followed you into your marriage..he really shouldn't trust you until you have resolved the problem.

Good luck

Noodle

The strange thing is - no one but H thought I was acting inappropriately - but as H said - and he is right - he isn't married to anyone else...
I will take a look at the outline
I am scared b/c H does not think counseling will help - he doesn't think we "need" anyone to help us - I would gladly go to IC but sometimes he is so set in his ways - he didn't say what he wanted to in front of the counselor last time b/c he feels it is my issue to deal with - not his.
I so want my M to work - it is difficult to talk - we see little of each other due to conflicting work schedules (he works nights - I work days) - so the time we do have I hate arguing - but as I read somewhere I guess it is better to deal with the tough stuff now and have a meaningful marriage than one that is fake and cordial.
Part of this is me venting...please bear with me.

I truly appreciate all of the responses. I had doubts that this could help but I am rethinking that.

After you get done with the outline..come back and tell us what you think.

Looks like there are more issues in the way of marital bliss than just your pre-marital ONS.

Noodle

Noodle-
Silly question - how do I find the MB Principles thumbnail?
thnx, km

OK..

I'll try to help you out here..but I have very limited computor skills [this dread machine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ] so you may have to call out for more specific direction.

If you look at the very top of the page..it should say marriage builders inbig red letters..
then underneath it will say.

Home/concepts/q&a/Bookstore etc..

so you'd click on Home and work from there reading various articles..I'd start with Emotional Needs and perhaps some from the infidelity section [even though it doesn't entirely apply..close enough]

Hope that helps

Noodle

Kampm,
Foolish me but I’m thinking that what you did before being married is only important to your husband because it’s an affirmation of what he’s feeling about your current behavior.

So let’s begin at the beginning. What kind of work do you do and why is it that your husband is so put off by how you behaved at the party? Was he there? Was your behavior an extension of similar behavior that your husband has been finding problematical in other areas of your life together? How is your relationship with your husband in other areas of the marriage?

Kamp, attitudes like your husbands don’t develop in a vacuum. Why is he feeling so uneasy about your faithfulness and commitment to him? What is that’s making him so uneasy? These are the questions that need to be answered? ? So you haven’t been unfaithful to him since you two have been married; but what does that mean? Have you been petting or kissing or even more with other men but since you never allowed penetration, you still claim innocence? Or is it something as simple as enjoying friendships with OM that your husband feels are to intimate in nature?

And, oh one last thing you need to think about. If your husband has been having these feelings and has discussed them with you, why is it that you don’t want to do the things you need to do to make him feel safe?

Coach

Kampm,

First, you've come to the right place. This place is a resource that allows you to feel normal. Feel normal in how you feel and how your husband feels. In many cases it will help you understand what you're both going through.

About 20 years ago while I was engaged and in college my fiance and I were in a huge fight and I broke up with her. That night I ended up drunk and in someone else's bed. That's what I did when I was young...I would "seal the deal" by doing the wrong thing. I do not even recall the sex. My fiance's "friends" told her right away. I denied because I knew I would lose her. This was teh basis for a long standing "mistrust" on her part of me. I confessed during our recovery FROM DIVORCE!! It took me twenty years....and I found out that as her insecurities grew during our marriage, and I repeated the same "lies" when accused, she assumed again that I was lying. She knew about my actions in college. The proof was short of a video, but I did not care. I was angry at the time and to me we were broke up. I always told her I never "cheated on my wife". I fealt like I cheated in college though cause I lied. My XW accused me of cheating with over 20 women during our marriage!! That is insane as I did not even consider it until after she demanded a divorce!!

As we recover her excuse for her A's was that I did it for years (she admits it was her perception, which is her reality). Thing is if I even speak of her actions, after her vows to me, I am telling her (in her words) "What a piece of S*(T I am".

My actions were wrong because I knew how I felt about her but she hurt me 20 years ago. That was I dealt at the time and it was the foundation for NOT cheating on her. My hurt with her is she had an affair, a relationship with 2 men, 2 men she chose over me. 2 men who knew more than I did. That betrayal is immense. I do not minimize her pain of my actions but she simply can not bring herself to understand how I feel.

She wants us to remarry....combine her affairs with her nasty divorce action and this guy is gun shy. I love her, always have. Counseling is helping us understand and that is what I recommend. You husband needs to let go of the machismo and get to counseling with you. Your marriage is in trouble and it takes two to save it....and it's more work to save it than it is to destroy it...trust me...I know that truth all too well.....

Good luck...

kampm

I'm a FWW myself so thought this shortcur might help to start off ..

The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines

<small>[ December 31, 2004, 08:47 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

Hello all and Happy New Year -
Well, I've read the concepts, etc and ordered 4 books...I mentioned to my H about doing the questionnaires & reading the books w/me but I am doubtful.

It feels like he does not want to do much to try to heal our M. He feels it was my mistake, my issue. He needs me to answer 4 questions - why I did it, why I didn't tell him 6 years ago, why I told him now and what am I doing now. I told him I do not have all of the answers but I am NOT doing anything now, and have not throughout our marriage.

After reading some of the things on this website I have also realized and shared with him that I believe some of our needs have not been met - we are married but living like roommies - we hardly see each other, and share nothing in terms of doing things together. After this discussion, her seemed to ease up a little. He even gave me a kiss goodbye before he went to work (albeit on the forehead).

I am just afraid that when he is by himself during the day he thinks too much and then get s angry.

I also want to respond to some of the questions above:
What kind of work do you do and why is it that your husband is so put off by how you behaved at the party? -
I work in an office with older married men and younger women mmy age. I do not have any close friendships with the men - my boss is like my father - my husband knows my boss. My husband's office however is very promiscuous to se his words - practically everyone cheats on their S. My husband tells me all of the stories. He has since told me that he thought our M was better than all of those because we were honest and did not have As. Now he tells me I am no better than any other cheating woman he knows.

Was he there? Yes, he was there but spent the majority of the night outside smoking - he does not dance and I was dancing with my friends.

Was your behavior an extension of similar behavior that your husband has been finding problematical in other areas of your life together? He has never had a problem with me dancing with friends before while he stands on the side with the other Hs who refuse to dance.

How is your relationship with your husband in other areas of the marriage? My H and I are very good friends. We have become more friends than Ss. The affection and sex are missing.

So you haven’t been unfaithful to him since you two have been married; but what does that mean? Have you been petting or kissing or even more with other men but since you never allowed penetration, you still claim innocence? Or is it something as simple as enjoying friendships with OM that your husband feels are to intimate in nature? I have not kissed, petted, touched or anything with any OM since being married - I do not even have any close friendships with OM. I am friends with OM at work but nothing close - and we have discussed that.

And, oh one last thing you need to think about. If your husband has been having these feelings and has discussed them with you, why is it that you don’t want to do the things you need to do to make him feel safe? The first time he discussed this with me was after the party - I am willing to do anything to make him feel safe - but I do want some sort of response to know if he wants this - he continually jokes about how we split this and that - I get the dog he gets the house etc.

I sincerely want to be M to my H - I am thinking part of the reason I confessed to him is bc there were a lot of needs not being met (by both of us) - I think we have both allowed a lot of things go - The problem is now I am the bad guy and that is all he sees. In C, he thinks I am just complaining about him - even the MC said that he tends to hear things I am not saying...

Oh well...sorry for the long post. Thanks for listening.
-km <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />