I am 35, H is 37, known each other 17 years, a couple for 9 years, married for 5 years, have 2 boys together, plus he has 2 kids from previous and I have 1 child from previous.

Early November he told me he was feeling pressure from life with responsibilities and whatnot and needed some time to think. He took most of a weekend alone, it was our youngests B-day and he was there for that.

As the days went on and we talked more it became "I love you but I'm not in love with you". However, he maintains that I am his best friend, great mother, and great wife. Those "special" feelings were gone and he didn't know if they could return. (This is the point when I found this site and bought "His Needs, Her Needs")

I started using my newfound knowledge and applying it, but said he wasn't ready...seemed forced. He feels all this stuff should come naturally. It helped me none the less.

Next it was that he had a crush, then it was he loves us both....each makes him happy in different ways.

Worst part is who it is. She works for him, but before he hired her in his office she was our Nanny for 1 year. She is 19 years old.

Making a very long story short, he is currently on the 3rd time of "breaking it off". He says they both agree that it is wrong, the timing would never be right, and she's young enough to still need running and jumping. This time it may be true, because the constant IMing and cell calls have all but stopped (as far as I can tell....and it was obvious while it was happening). Since they both have feelings for one another, he couldn't "crush her like a bug", so he'd explain that's why he was still in cell contact with her. I told him it would never end that way, because he's still emotionaly available to her.

The last 2 days were great, he asked me to sleep on the couch with him last night. Today he said it was nice spending time with me again. Tonight he's at a party and I'm home with the boys. He sent me a sweet e-mail before he left and has already called once. He still maintains it's weird right now and still doesn't know for sure if he wants to repair our relationship.

I have followed the book, I try to be compassionate without being a doormat, because I see my role in his seeking needs outside the marriage.

My problem is still being so obsessed with the OW. I constantly check his cell when he's not paying attention and drive myself nuts with wondering and thinking. I know he doesn't deserve my trust, but he has not lied to me once throughout this entire ordeal. He says work is awkward but not an issue. I think one of them has to go, but with him being the boss it's a whole other issue!!!

Any feedback?!?

Momma,

What is your plan? You're in Plan A, I am guessing. So, are you doing all of it? Plan A isnt JUST meeting ENs. Re-read about Plan A. Get the book, Surviving an Affair. Understand that he is addicted to the nanny. If he was addicted to alcohol, how would you handle him? It is the same thing.

Without a plan, you will be at his mercy. With a plan, then no matter what he babbles...or what he does, you will be in control.

In His arms.

It is reasonable for you to feel the need to snoop. He violated the agreement you made when you exchanged vows. You are just making sure that he is not violating your vows any more than you know, if he still is. It is a form of reassurance.

After my wife confessed to her A, it seemed like I was obsessed with searching for clues. Finding passwords to e-mail accounts, tracing phone numbers, searching her vehicle and pockets, etc. It seemed like I should have pursued a career as a PI with the information that I was getting. Not to mention the fact that my mind was racing a million miles an hour imagining what happened or what can/will happen. However, I have not found much of anything to lead me to believe that she is doing anything behind my back since she went into NC.

The urge to snoop for clues and the such has lessened in the recent past, but I still search once in a while just for that reassurance. It's part of regaining the trust. Listen to your gut. If something seems fishy, check into it. I hope this helps.

Listen to Mortarman. Extremely good advice. The Marriage Builder forum has helped me so much with my situation. I don't know what I would've done without it. I know it can help you in the same way. Keep posting...

-DKelly

I am in plan A, but it seems to be more like having his cake and eating it too. The contact is lessened, but it is still there and they still work together. However, New Year's Eve at his boss' house let him know that the company is aware. They would want him to stay over her, but she's only being transfered under someone else's command. (Not helping me/us at all, it's a small office and they'll see each other all day).

I know I need to implement plan B, but it scares me to death. I just can't seem to do it, even as painful as this is.