Well, I guess I expected too much too quickly.

Long story short, we filed for D early June, '04, about 8 months after D-Day. I finally exposed the A to OM wife early May. I then found out they were still talking and called it quits.

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago she wants to put the D on hold, I agree. We had a date for mediation scheduled about a week prior to Xmas and we cancelled that. However, she had already booked plane fare for the mediation and decided to come out to visit and extended her trip through the weekend. We had a very good time together.

We talk almost daily through Xmas week. Then, I hear less from her as she was winding up her family visit. Supposedly she had no plans for New Year's Eve. And then she goes dark, I do not hear from her for a few days, I left her one message on her work phone on Thursday afternoon, no return phone call from her until Saturday.

I get the classic I went up to my GF's house for 2 days for New Year's and there was no cell phone coverage....yeah, right, like I should believe this? This was the same excuse last year when the A was active. She also tells me she did not have to go into work on Thursday, she never got my message. I do not make a big deal about it. This conversation occured on Saturday. She mentions her brother and another GF will be visiting Saturday night and she will call me tomorrow after they leave.

So, she did call yesterday early afternoon after her brother and GF left. She was not feeling well and was on her way to the store to get some soup, milk, etc. She was then going to try and sleep through the afternoon. I told her it sounds like you need someone to take care of you, she asked what I would do if I was there. I told her I would cook the soup for you, tuck you into bed and make you tea with sugar when you awake, sugar...she giggled a little and said she would call me later when she wakes up.

Well, of course, no phone call from her last night. I try calling about 5 times over 2-3 hours and cannot reach her. I went to sleep, woke up at 2:30AM my time and tried calling again. No answer. I finally left a message at 3:30AM (which is 5:30AM her time) that you obviously are not there, I have been trying to reach you several times, I would really like to know where you are at and please call me as we need to talk about us. I said with some sarcasm and conviction as I was pissed off. Here she was supposed to be sleeping, not feeling well and my gut tells me she is with someone.

Still no call from her as of this moment.

I am totally guessing as to what happened but I feel she probably met someone last week which led her to make some New Year's plans and didn't want to tell me. And, she has a holiday today and I am guessing she met up with this person last night and spent the evening with them. Who knows, I am guessing but this is what my gut instinct tells me.

What to do? I did contact my attorney to see what my options are to get the process going again.

Should I call and leave an apology message that maybe I overreacted? Or just see what happens?

I appreciate any comments as always.

Nature

just see what happens.

Your imagination ran amok. That can tear you apart.

It may be true, it may not be true. But you won't know until you know, so why fret over it in between?

best,
-ol' 2long

Nature,

I agree with 2long, wait to hear from her and her excuses.....then tell us!

It almost sounds too blatent to be what you imagine. I mean, why promise to be there to be found out later?

k

I finally called and left a message that got her attention. She called back and immediately exclaimed she has a high fever, is sick and turned the ringer off on her phone yesterday as everyone was calling her and she needed her sleep. The phone ringer was off through early this morning. She was almost crying and began coughing quite a bit, she did sound sick. Not sure what to say, but I began by telling her please, please try to help me out, I do not want my imagination to run wild, but you said you would call me and it is a huge trigger of past pain when I do not hear from you. She has rarely put herself in my shoes and I still do not believe she recognizes truly what she has done and the impact it has had on me. Probably similar to alot of other WS. I hear the babble, we talk about this everytime, I do not want to rehash, yes, I know I made a mistake, this hurts me to talk about it, I can't do this again, I do not have the strength, I am weak, etc.

She was extremely upset about the message I left. We talked for over an hour about many of the same crap we have talked about for one to two years now.

I just am so flabbergasted with her opinion. And I guess this leads me to become upset and throw a few barbs her way. I am only being honest with myself. Here, let me try to show an example.

My older brother and her never really got along and would occasionally argue, I would sit there driving in my car, increasingly fuming as there was no use trying to prevent the argument and it usually was about a subject I had no experience with(they both work in the same or similar industry) so it would be difficult to even try to defend her since it was a business related talk and since they each had different opinions about the subject. However, he did unleash a comment about her drinking 2 years ago and of course I called him out on it but it was never enough for her. She flatly does not want to even have his name mentioned, it upsets her too much. Anyway, she would take the comment when I said to her that "each of you has issues with the other" as disrespectful of her as, according to her, she has never done anything to my brother (which is true, they just have the type A personality and get into conflicts) but he has done quite a bit to his family (financially receiving money with no intention of paying it back, he backed out of a house sale with my mother). She says how hurtful it is to her and that I still apparently do not understand the fact that I said something today which she does not agree with and feels it puts us a step behind. This really difficult to explain in writing as I am putting this down here, sorry. So, I try to explain her care means the most to me and reiterate my desire to repair and rebuild the M and such. I then try to tell her there is no room for dishonesty in a M and if she ever lies to me I will be gone for good...this, again, goes the wrong direction, she doesn't understand how fragile I am at times due to her behavior in the past and lying, IMHO, is the worst thing you can do besides the actual infidelity.

Again, I hear the I don't know about us or where our M is headed. She doesn't believe she has the strength to deal with all of the issues and I hurt her tonight once again.

Boy, I think I better get out of this. I really see little hope, she does not seem to be able to step up to the plate....as I heard her say 2 weeks ago she doesn't think she can face my family due to the embarrassment and humiliation...and of course she does not understand how humiliated I am and still feel that way.

Thanks for your comments as always. What a soap opera this is, she is so high drama.

hi...i hope things get better for you.

Why dont you consider goin dark yourself?

If you are still not sure dont rush to Dvc...like me, i am still waiting.

However i have minimize all contact with WH. When he dropby to see DD i go into the room and read my book. I will only come out after he leaves. Or sometimes i go out shopping or watch a movie.

I dont call WH anymore and i think he got the hint because he does not call me either. We are basically ignoring each other.

Leave your wife alone and start concentrating on what YOU want...go out and do things for yourself...

Your wife does not respect you nor does she cares. You need to start caring about YOUR feelings and YOUR life. Leave your wife alone. Go do stuff for yourself.

Dont do Dvc now when you are unsure. You are hurt by her disrespectful behaviour so your reaction is to hurt her back by divorcing her. Dont let that happen because you might regret it later.

Take sometime off for yourself to decide what YOU want. Take as much time as possible if needed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Nature,

Your posts reflect the incredible uncertainty and normal lack of trust that all of us seem to go through.

But, you are a big boy and you knew that re-establishing contact with her would be like opening Pandora's box WITHOUT some clear cut rules. Don't beat yourself up, everyone appears to make that desperate attempt to be the R healer when deep down in our hearts we KNOW that the WS is the one that needs to " crawl through broken glass" , to quote you from a couple of months ago.

I am afraid that as hard as it is, you need to return to your PLan B. Stop the initiation of talking until SHE lays down the hoops that SHE is willing to go jump through to keep you in her life.

She obviously got her nature"fix" and you desperately but happily were there to supply it.

So sorry the holidays turned out this way for you buddy.

2Long-it's tough to not let it run wild given her deceptive behavior in the past.

K-yeah, I don't know, she probably wouldn't have said she would call and then not unless she wasn't feeling good. I never heard the "I turned the ringer off since everyone was calling me and I needed rest" excuse.

Zizzy- I had gone dark, this was a very vicious D on my part, she is the breadwinner and I was going after every penny. I think by acting like I was done and moving on was having an impact. But, the D court date was looming and it (and the holidays) got the better of me and apparently her. So, for 6 months it was my attorney needs this and that, she was moving out of state into a new job and she was not happy with how things were going....and we barely talked. If we did speak, it was about our pending home sale. She never did stop calling me, I never called her.

Cy-you are right, I knew the box opened up and I unfortunately opened up too much to her to try and make her feel good about us again.

I am making an appt. to see a MC for me to get my head together.

Thanks for any other input as always!

Nature,

MC counseling would prove invaluable. To prove my point about the BS doing foolish things, let me give you a personal example.

After a pretty good Plan B, I decided to attend a medical conference in Costa Rica( were I am writing this ). A week before, for whatever reason( loneliness, holidays, one more try by me ) I sent her tickets to join me down here. I thought that since we had honeymooned here, it might have triggered some emotional response from her. I am by myself so,my gesture obviously meant nothing to her except probably a good laugh. I could kick myself for trying one more time. BUT I would have always wondered if I had not done this, things might have changed. I was looking for an epiphany and got what I deserved for being so foolish....NOTHING.

Cy-wow, that is unbelievable what you did. I actually extend my hand to you, you are the better person. Disregard her, she does not know what she "used" to have - you, an incredibly loving man.

Alright, I stooped a little myself. First, I made a counseling appt. for me tomorrow. I just want to get my head clear.

Second, I did order some flowers for her birthday this week and are having them delivered to her office. If anything, I want her co-workers to see what a nice guy I am, sending this gift to her. If anything, others will talk about me in a good fashion to her.

Other than that, our home will most likely be sold by the end of this month and I need to start getting my stuff together. My initial plan is to move in temporarily with a friend.

Anyway, thanks for your replies, I really do appreciate your insight.

It's time for me to slowly back away. My WS does return here next weekend. We were planning on spending some quality time together, we'll see what happens.

Nature,

I just got done reading a novel by Ann Rule called HEART FULL OF LIES. This is a true murder story but I think it shows my WW as a BPD perfectly(without the murder) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If you get a chance read it. I was amazed how similar my WW and her approach to life was mirrored by the main character(entitlement, multiple broken relationships, forced isolation of the spouse, control..control...control.)