I just found out Wednesday that my husband was having an affair. (Received a call from his lover's husband) He has said he loves me and only wants me and will do anything to make us work. We both agree that he should never see or speak to her again. However, he says he should tell her that in person. He says that it is not a mature, adult way to handle it in a letter or phone call.<P>I have told him that I am adamantly opposed to this and how it hurts me that he is not considering my feelings in this. He says he's doing it in the first place for me and my feelings and because he loves me. But that he won't be that low as to not do it in person.<P>Our negotiations come to a stail-mate on this every time. We spent the whole weekend together working on us, and it was really good. He's been very giving and loving. I feel like we can work through things. But, I am very hurt by his way of handling this and am obsessing over it. How can we get through this? Help.<BR>JN

JN - Even though I am a "betrayed", I think I can understand how your H feels and why he feels that way.<P>Is there any way that he could arrange an rendezvous in a restaurant or other public place where he could have you watch undetected? Would he go for this idea? Even if you couldn't hear what was said, you could watch. I don't know if this would work for you, but at least it's an idea, even if it's a bad one.....

He says he will meet her in a public place and tell me exactly when, where and all the details. I would not want to be there. That would be too hard. I know I will be obsessing when he is there anyway. There is no way I could sit and watch.<P>He is trying to be upfron and honest about it and everything. It just drives me nuts to think about him seeing her again and if he really will be honest about it.

Is there any way you could get a friend to observe for you? I think the problem may arise that even though H is trying hard to reassure you and may be totally honorable here, you aren't in any place to trust him completely. If you don't have something to reassure you, you may find it difficult to believe him and this may come back as a LB later.

JN<P>I don't think I could be there either. Even though his intentions may be honest for you I doubt that he will find it easy and may leave a little uncertainty on the table.<P>Can I suggest that he gives her the conclusive letter from you both so that you can be sure of his sincerity and any crumbs are swept from the table. When you tell someone they are fired to their face it's always candy coated, but the termination letter they get leaves no doubt

He says that I need to trust him to handle it and be honest about it. You're right, I don't trust him or have much reason to. But, I don't think it would be fair to ask a friend to do that. <P>I just don't understand, Why does he have to see her one last time?<P>I keep wondering if I am overreacting. Afterall, he is going to break all contact. I do believe him in that. It just hurts.<BR>Thank you for your help.

Thank you Awoken. That's an interesting idea. I will ask him if he is willing to do that. It might make me feel better.

Dear JN, don't let him meet with her. I think that would be the worse thing to do, if he see her he maynot be able to break it off. Dr. H in "Surviving an Affair" say not to let him/or her have any contact with the OP, and I agree. If I had read the book before my H went to ended with the OW I might not be here. He left with every intention of breaking it off,but as soon as he saw her the good intention went out the door and soo did he. He never came back except to get his clothes and he made sure he did talk to me or anyone else in our family. It really doesn't matter how low he thinks it would be to break it off in a letter, he didn't think it to low to have an affair in the first place. Be careful of the honest with you part. I thought my H was being honest with me after I found out but he wasn't. So please no contact for your sake. <P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

I don't know. I don't think he is that far gone over her. He was very much the pursued and not the pursuer. I could tell that from his phone records and what her H told me. He is torn up about the whole affair and feels horrible. He's been making all efforts to work on us.<P>He's just very stubborn. It's the old..when somone forbids you to do something, you're more inclined to do it. I don't know. Am I being totally naive?

All I know is what happened to me and I know I trusted him. I really thought he wanted to be with me. He kept telling me he didn't want to leave me. I found out in March and left in July 30. All the time he lied to me about ending it with her. That she was just a friend, and he lied about not seeing her. Just be careful. I think if he really wanted to ended and be honest with you he would have no problem doing what you asked Be careful!<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

I thought it would be ok for my H to break it off with OW in person and guess what... he did but couldn't stop thinking about her and the next day went back to her. I would never have agreed for him to see her again if I had known how it was going to turn out. I would never recommend breaking it off in person again, maybe a phone call, but I think Dr.Harleys way is the best (with a letter and no more contact).<BR>

I agree that he should not see her. We have talked about it over and over. I have tried to make clear my feelings on it and why I feel the way I do. He says he won't end it in that spineless way. I don't know what to do. Today I pleaded with him to think of me and my feelings and end it on the phone. That was our last conversation about it. (I'm still at work. Getting ready to go meet him to watch football.)<P>I don't want to give him an ultimatum. I don't know if I can back it up. I guess all I can hope and pray his feelings for me prevail.

The bad thing is ...they are going to do it their way and there isn't really much you can do to stop it, just make sure he knows how you feel about it and let him know that others have tried doing it in person and it doesn't work.<BR>I hope he changes his mind.

I agree that your H SHOULD NOT break it off with her in person. What if he does...and the OW gives him a sob story...he may feel terribly guilty and lose perspective of what he was doing there to begin with. He may not be able to break it off with her. I don't think this is worth the risk.<P>This OW has no rights to your H. She is the intruder in your marriage. I personally feel that there should be ZERO in-person contact. A letter is sufficient.<P>Your H owes her nothing. But he owes it to you to prove that he really wants to break it off by abiding with the "no contact" rule.<P>Your feelings were NOT considered when they both decided to have their affair.<P>Your H claims that he doesn't want to do it the "spineless" way. Well, wasn't it spineless to have an affair to begin with??<P>Please try to convince him that "no contact" is the only way....

I don't know if he really wanted to break it off, wouldn't he do it the way you wanted after all even if she pursued him he was too spineless to say no to her in the first place. To me I don't see that he will break it off. No contact is the best policy! Good Luck!!!<P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

Let me tell you, this sounds like the response I got from my H. He was adament about talking to her in person. Come to find out it was because he wanted to keep it going and let her know that was what was happening. I never agreed to this way of doing things, but what can you do if they insist? After many months and many lies and betrayals he finally ended it in a letter. Now I know it is over. I would insist on no contact whatsoever!!!

I had an affair and finally broke down and told my H of the affair (the OM and his W were friends of ours as a couple). When I told my H of the affair, he went directly to the OM's wife and told her. She of course wanted the affair to end immediately, and wanted me to be told- so this is how she handled it.<P>She insisted on having a meeting with me, OM and her TOGETHER. I agreed, because I felt so sick and guilty I knew I deserved whatever she wanted to tell me. When I arrived, they were sitting in a booth NEXT to one another, leaving me to sit alone and across from them. She then told me how I was not welcome in their lives any longer, and lot more about what I had done and how low I was to do it. THEN, OM (I'm sure she had told him before hand that he'd better say these things" said TO ME "I don't love you. I'm sorry that I led you to believe that I did and what I've done to you is unforgivable. But I love my wife and my children and my life with her, and nothing will ever change that. I just needed you to know that you are now insignificant in our life, and to stay away."<P>Now, I'm not sure if your husband would consent to doing something like this, but it sure did hit home for me. They sat across from me, like a team, and made their point that they were together, and I was the outsider. Incidentally, my H did not do this to him. He chose to talk to OM by himself, asking him how he could do this when he thought they were friends, but never confronted him in person.<P>But anyway, as an OW, I really got the point with this meeting.

You should go with him. You should appear united in this decision .... if you're not there it will be easy for the OW to give the sad eyes, and beg him not to do this ... and easier for your H to cave in and say something "nice" that she can cling to.<P>You go with him. Period.

I think ending it should be an odvious no contact. He should not contact her. She odviously knows that you know, her husband called you! So, when she hears nothing from your husband, then she should get the idea! If he thinks he "owes" it to her, then he owes her husband something also!<P>And, by the way - I'm sure she will try to contact him, if she hasn't already. Your husband have a plan for that?<P>I think you shouldn't go over and over things that are in conflict. But, until you both decide together how to resolve this - there has to be absolutely NO contact.<P>

Gosh, I wish my H had allowed us to do things that way. I wanted him to call her in front of me and tell her it was over and he wouldn't, he said he needed to do this on his own and I let him do that. He did it so very weakly that she never took him for telling the truth to her, she kept calling him and trying to connect even after he said it was over. It took 3 more months and finally I found some e-mails that she sent him before he finally e-mailed her in such a way that she knew he meant business. She should have never been hurt in the way she was because he wasn't definate about things, tried to let her down easy. There is NO easy way to do this. but if you can have someone there or be there I believe that's the best way. That way you know it's been done. If he's committed to making things work with you he will give this to you, knowing that you need it.<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>