I talked to the IC yesterday. I told him about the ex-GF and how I felt she has an influence with my H's desire to end our M and no longer work on it. I've been advised by several people that I should call the OW. However, the IC says I shouldn't because the OW will probably speak with my H and my H will then resent me. If I speak to my H first, I know he will tell me its nothing. But the OW could also be in denial. What should I talk to first?

My IL's are leaving this friday and that's when I'd like to call the OW... if that is what I should do. That way, she'll have to wait 4 days before my H returns to work and where she will call.

OW will only turn it around and make YOU look like the one that's lost her marbles. Believe me, if she's lowered herself enough to sleep with a married man, she's def. not above lying about what you say to her.

- Kimmy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've been advised by several people that I should call the OW.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To what purpose?

If you plan to do something like this, you need to know exactly what you are hoping to gain.

So,

1. what would your purpose be

and

2. what might you hope to gain?

Pep

I called the OW. I'm not sorry I did but I don't think it had any effect at all. She's too deep in the fog to care.

The main thing calling did was to make me feel like I had some control over the situation. And that helped.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The main thing calling did was to make me feel like I had some control over the situation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It may make you feel like you are in control but you are not.

It is best to learn that you are only in control of yourself.

It is best to stay away from the OW. Her aim is to do anything that she can to destroy you and your marriage.

SHE IS ALL GOOD in your WH's eyes while he is in the fog. SHE KNOWS THIS AND WILL USE IT TO HER ADVANTAGE. WHATEVER YOU SAY TO HER IS LIABLE TO BE USED AGAINST YOU.

This a war, a fight for your marriage. Strategize to win, not to lose or to waste your time.

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1. what would your purpose be
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess my only purpose is to find out what is going on between the two of them. I know they're not have a PA but it sure looks like an EA to me.

If my H says there's nothing between them then why does he have to tell me he talks to her once in awhile when his cell phone bills shows him talking to her 1 or 2 times a week. Then he deletes her name from the call listings on his phone. During the holidays, she calls 3 times in one day, maybe she was wondering why he hasn't called back.

Oh and get this... the day after I had the baby and was still in the hospital he tells me he has to go home for some reason. After he left I called him and he was on the other line "talking to his dad (yeh right)." Later I find out he was as talking to the ex-GF.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 2. what might you hope to gain?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I find out that she is influencing my H with the "you should not have married her" talk, then I'd like her to stop talking to my H so we can work on our M. But this is where I can see it backfiring. She may tell me there is nothing going on... then there would be no purpose to my phone call and my H will resent me even more.

Ahhh, I don't know what to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess my only purpose is to find out what is going on between the two of them. I know they're not have a PA but it sure looks like an EA to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Calling OW will not produce the desired results.

Hire an investigator. Follow H yourself. Tap your/his phone. Place a voice-activated recorder in your H's car. Trace his emails on the computer.

Pep

This is icky, but....

There are semen detection kits available online. You swab your H's boxers after he removes them ... and that will tell you if he's been sexually active while he's supposedly at work .

Pep

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

She will not give you info. about the A. Her aim is for it to continue. When I first learned who the OW was, I called her and gave my name and my FWH's name. She claimed that she did not know who he was. They had been having the A for about 2 years by then.

YOU CANNOT CONTROL THIS WOMAN OR YOUR HUSBAND, ONLY YOURSELF.

I agree with PEP. YOU will have to catch them. He is giving you the standard WH lines. My FWH insisted that he was not having an A. Even when I caught him in the act, he said, "I'm ending it."

ALIENS....LOST IN THE FOG!!

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Well I don't suspect a PA. Just an emotional one. The OW is currently going to school in another state (6 hrs away), however, her parents live here and I'm not sure how often she comes back to visit. The only time they could be alone would be during his lunch hr. I have become good friends with his co-worker so I hope she can help me out. She would probably notice if he left for lunch alone or if he was talking on the phone excessively. But I'm not sure to what extent she can do this.
Just for my info, how far can a PI perform their job when my H is at work? I'm mostly concerned with his emails, phone calls and maybe lunchtime.

You can ask the PI to follow him at lunchtime which is enough time BTW for him to get with her.

Also PIs sometimes have ways to get hold of bills.

Can you look at his cellphone bill. That also can be done on line if you can gain access to his account as an authorized user.

I called the OW and let me tell you....nothing good came out of it. She said some horrible things to me and my WH sat next to her and let her say those things. They are as fogged out as the WH. Don't waste anymore time worrying over wheather to call her or not....Just DON'T!
She's not worth it!

After I talked to OW...I decided that I didn't want my WH back if he allowed someone else to treat me the way she did. I guess I can thank the OW for opening my eyes to that.

mahal-

In the beginning of all this, I went to the OW's house (she had just moved in). I took her a house plant and a toy for her dog.

I pulled up in her driveway, she was outside sweeping her deck, I got out of the car and said "Here...I brought you a housewarming present, sorry it's a little late" She thanked me, and then I said "Were you aware that Mark and I are separating?" She said "Oh no...I had no idea..." I said "Well I've been concerned about the amount of time he's been spending helping you." She said "Oh....I've really appreciated his help...I hope you didn't think anything like that was going on..." I said "Nahhh it's probably just me" Then I told her goodbye and left.

Well that was not very productive...since she's a lying b*tch. So anyway, it accomplished nothing. Pointless waste of time.

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can you look at his cellphone bill. That also can be done on line if you can gain access to his account as an authorized user. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do have his access info for his cell phone and checked it the other day. He would talk to her just on the cell phone a couple times a week but this was when he was at home with the baby. Who knows how much they talk when he is at work.

I also have access to all his other accounts... nothing suspicious there.

As far as hiring a PI during his lunchtime. I'd have to find out when she's in town to do so. I assume the next time would be during spring break. I'll find out when her springbreak is and ask my good friend to check on him during that time to see if he leaves work by himself during lunch.

Hi TreeReich...sorry to hear how it went when you called. That's what I am/was afraid of. I don't know her personality so she could do the same to me.

I guess my main concern is his emotional feelings for her. That is all I think it is. How can I plan A effectively R if he is going to her for emotional support?!

READ SHATTERED DREAMS POST TODAY ON DYIN HERE'S THREAD TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION ABOUT PLAN A.

double post

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: mahal kita JW ]</small>

mahal kita JW,

I was under SH coaching when he told me to talk to OM. It was for fact finding only. I need to know which one is OM ... there are 3 mens has the same name listed living on that apartment, all has JR. attached on it. I need to let OM knows that he is breaching my M and throw info for OM if there is lying going on on my WW's side. Even he ignored my request to stay away from my M while I am M ... he now see the face of BS. I accomplished my goal.

Secondary benefit ...I was laughing my tail off about OM afterward. exW traded me for this OM ... LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . She could have him. It was a boost on my self esteem.

It was the hardest self control that I ever did in my life.

-rh-

I don't know your whole story or if you knew the OW.

I knew the OW, I always had a feeling about her but I ignored it, because she was married. As soon as my Wh told me about the A, I knew instantly who she was.

I was going to call her, or even show up on her doorstep. My gut reaction was to slap her in the face. The first thing I did, was to calm down and then I realize she is not worth my time and effort. Plus that would be a reaction she would want, it would make her look better in WH eyes.

I was determine to use my energy in saving my marriage, but she knew she had to get him as far away from me as she could. That way there wouldn't be a chance for us.

Anyway three weeks after we separated, I ran into my WH shopping with the OW. He promised me when we separated he was not going to see her at all. (another lie) There I was finally, face to face with the OW, and I looked her in the eyes and turned away. She was so scared, like a deer caught in headlights, but I realized right there and then that she was not worth my time and effort. I just looked at WH and said "How could you" and walked away. He called me "sweetheart" as I turn my back and I just kept on walking. That was the last time I saw him. That was 10 months ago. Back in May, they moved to Vegas.."Sin City" how fitting.

I waited to call the OW. I find out in July 04 and there was supposed to be NC. Well in Nov 04 I found there had been contact (Via cellphone and text messages all through the month of OCT 04). I told my FWH NC means NC - I wouldn't have it anymore. He spoke to her for a NC "speech" in the morning (NC letter is not good for our situation). She called him after I sent her a text message from his phone and said "I want you to call me ASAP". I didn't feel good about this NC - since I "requested" from the both of them in July. This time I was "demanding" it from the both of them. So I called her cellphone and left this message "***** I need for you to call me back. The 3 of us know about our situation, if you don't call me back ... the 4 of us will know [meaning her H]. So I would like a call back within 24 hours either on my cellphone or at home. My cell number should appear on your phone and my home number is XXX-XXXX". She called me back within a half hour. It was the strangest conversation. First "nothing happened", then "I'm pregnant and I'm going to work on my marriage", then "well me and my husband have already discussed this", to "**** was calling my too", and followed up with a "I'm so sorry you're going through this". So nothing happened yet - you talked about this with your husband and are obviously sleeping with him (which the whole pregnant thing was not revealed to my H - until I told him - I didn't buy it at all) and yet you need to talk to my H and you are so sorry. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

You see I never thought she would tell my the truth. I did want to give her a peice of my mind and make it very clear to her to stay away from my family, my H and me. I wanted her to know that if my H was going to work on our marriage she was not included in that (she hadn't been for 11 years - and definitely not now). I wanted her to know there was really a loving wife - not the "insecure and jealous crazy woman" she thought I was. I wanted her to know this my choice not to contact her until almost 4 months later - I never said I wouldn't contact her - I chose not to. I wanted her to know that I hadn't contacted her H - again I never said I wouldn't.

I told my H all the things that she had said and exactly what I had said. I did feel as though I was defending my actions - but I was the only one that was being totally honest and I got over that. He stood by me. And I stood by him - again I chose to believe him (but not without proof of NC and reassurance of rebuilding our M). I still check the cellphone and the bill. I am currently waiting for our phone records since June of 04 - b/c I think this OW has called my house (after she promised my H she would never do that).

I don't know if calling the OW would help everyone - but for me it was done in my time and under my terms. And I did feel I had some control over something in my life. They had not given me any control to change the situation - I took it.

It would still have to be your decision and you know you best.

I was ready to hear this OW talk trash about me and lie to me. I fully expected it and I was ready. And I knew what ever she had to say really didn't matter and wasn't the truth.

(and I think she did show me and my H her true colors in so many ways).

Thank you for all the replies. Based on your comments it sounds like a bad idea to call the OW... so I won't.

Should I ask my H about the phone calls or should I leave it alone and act like I don't know she's called. Again, I don't know what's going on between him and the OW, I only think he is having an EA and wishes he never married me because of her.