Hello every1. i am the dreaded OM. didnt plan it that way. it jsut happened. its over. no contacts. Spouse does not know. and i dont want her to know. its tough dealing with it. and tough reading about every1's pain. i am certainly sorry. A thought does occur to me. its a 2way street. u cant blame ur house for falling apart if u dont take care of it. Im open to any1's criticism and opinions.

<small>[ January 13, 2005, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: USCTrojan's ]</small>

you are also a ws if you are married....that should be your concern. not announcing you are the om. you are a husband and maybe a father that made bad choices. do you want to change it or justify it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A thought does occur to me. its a 2way street. u cant blame ur house for falling apart if u dont take care of it. Im open to any1's criticism and opinions </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with the point that you can't blame one person for the marriage or (house) falling apart, but it's choosing to have an A, or "rent" a new house without repairing your current one is a copout.

If someone is THAT unhappy, the noble, and honorable thing is to divorce..not cheat.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> didnt plan it that way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can you have an affair that did NOT involve planning? Please explain.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it just happened.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you mean "just" like it happened yesterday?

Or do you mean "just" like it was not important?

Or do you mean "just" like there was no warning and it was something not within your control ... like suddenly burping up a sour taste?

Pep

USCTrojans,

Welcome to MB,I think.You may just be the first OM that I have ever seen come here,at least since 11/2003.

What is it that you want help with? If your W does not knwo about your affair(A),there is no honesty between you and no marriage to rebuild.

Also,statements like "It just happened" don't fly here,it's utter bullcookies.Also the part about not taking care of your own house if it falls apart.I may not have dusted everyday but I didn't come crashing through with a wrecking ball like my WH did!!

Care to tell us your story?

O

why are here...meaning "here' at marriage builders...

not a defensive question...
but see no point in people wasting time posting to you...

what is it you seek here...

ARK

Yes, why are you posting?
Are you looking for some answers or some kind of help?

i am the dreaded OM. didnt plan it that way. it jsut happened. its over. no contacts. Spouse does not know. and i dont want her to know.
An OM is the "other man", meaning you were involvled with a married woman.
If you are married, you are a wayward spouse (ws).

Hi USC -

I have to ask the same question as ARK asked - Why are you here? I don't mean it in a sarcastic way, I truly want to know.

Are you in marriage counceling? Does your wife know? What are you doing to help your marriage?

All,

could we wait 'till USC responses before posting anything ?. There are many other BSs that need our support and have way less than 2 replies.

-rh-

PS....

USC certainly kicked [censored] in the Orange Bowl this year !!!!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

If your affair "just happened" how can that be the result of "your house falling apart"?

How could your wife have a part of the blame in something that "just happened" to you?

If your marriage had some problems, your wife had a part in that. You, however, must shoulder the complete blame for having an affair. She can and may blame you for both not fixing "the falling apart house" and having an affair.

Take responsibility for your actions, you'll get more respect both here and in your real life.

edit to remove unhelpful comment

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

my story is simple. friends get together at parties. this has been happening 4 several years. Some male spouses r not very social. I am a social person at the partys. I work hard. so i need a release like anyone else. having a few drinks and being with friends is a good release. We play physical games. HS stuff. I recieved a email from a ws and 1 thing led to another. it was playful conversation that led to a 1time encounter. afterwards i knew it was a bad idea ( i knew it would be bad b4). The ws has a open relationship but it has to be something planned with her spouse. she hid this..he found out. wanst happy. I believe he considers me a physical/emotional threat to his M. im not. i have removed myself from any contact with ws. I am sorry. especially since it was a friend. the house comment comes from him/her not controlling what they do..lifestyle they lead. i got dragged in. I didnt plan it. the ws is a friend and nothing more. it was unfortunate. Ilive with the pain everyday. I read on the mb's how the other spouse should be told. I wonder how would that help? breaking up my family and not seeing my kids is not helpful. if anything it would cause a rather extrmeme reaction..anyway, Im here because it is good 2 talk about it..right? it is good for me to c the pain in other peoples "voices" i am sorry. my m is not perfect. who ever has 1 raise there hands. I jsut want to work thru the guilt...I appreciate every1's comments. I dont mind being a punching bag if u think that helps ur situation. .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I recieved a email from a ws and 1 thing led to another. it was playful conversation that led to a 1time encounter.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See ---> planning.
NEVER say ---> "I did not plan to have an affair."
You planned a meeting where you knew you might be tempted.
Be honest with yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The ws has a open relationship but it has to be something planned with her spouse.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oops!

Now you have a new problem.

You had sex with a swinger.... now you risk STDs. EVEN IF you wore a condom.

Get tested.

Are you going to tell your wife she needs to be tested or are you willing for her to risk disease to save yourself the shame?

Pep

Hi USC - thanks for the response. I'll respond later when I have the time.

Pep, my Sooners did so horrible at the Orange Bowl! USC opened a can of whoop-[censored] on them, didn't they.

USC,

What you will not get here is support for not telling your W about what you did.We are a Marriage Building site.Dishonesty of the magnitude you have displayed is not conducive to a healthy marriage.

You stated that you KNEW beforehand that it was a bad idea to engage with this other woman who was married yet you went ahead and did it anyway even with the knowledge that it wasn't going to lead anyhwere.Is that how highly you think of yourself and other's?? Did someone hold a gun to your head and say "CHEAT"? You KNEW it was wrong,you KNEW what you were doing.Unless you have some kind of organic brain disease or brain injury that impairs your sense of judgement and actions,you KNEW that taking your clothes off and hopping into bed with some other woman WAS planned.You know it was.

This person was a" friend " as you say.Who the heck needs "friends" like that?

You just don't want to tell your W of the adultery because you stand to lose A LOT.Not for any other reason IMO.

O

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chackler:
Pep, my Sooners did so horrible at the Orange Bowl! USC opened a can of whoop-[censored] on them, didn't they.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even tho I was rootin' fer USC cuz I live in So. Calif ---> I was hoping for a more exciting game!!!

Pep

You'll probably get more elaborate, in depth responses, but here's my take:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">friends get together at parties. this has been happening 4 several years. Some male spouses r not very social. I am a social person at the partys. I work hard. so i need a release like anyone else. having a few drinks and being with friends is a good release. We play physical games. HS stuff.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're not in HS anymore. Remove yourself from these "friends."
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she hid this..he found out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anytime you "hide" something, it's wrong. And, don't you think your wife will find out?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe he considers me a physical/emotional threat to his M. im not.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Too late--you already are. You have compromised their marriage as you have compromised yours. Question is now, what are you going to do about it?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i have removed myself from any contact with ws.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good start and absolutely necessary.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're telling the wrong people, USC.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i got dragged in. I didnt plan it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But you put yourself in a very compromising position, with HS games. You need to be accountable for your actions, USC.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read on the mb's how the other spouse should be told. I wonder how would that help? breaking up my family and not seeing my kids is not helpful. if anything it would cause a rather extrmeme reaction..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your wife has a right to know; you need to be accountable for your actions; without honesty (Radical Honesty) your M from here on in will be based on nothing but lies.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Im here because it is good 2 talk about it..right?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is. A wonderful support group. But you need actions as a follow up to "I'm sorry."
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I jsut want to work thru the guilt...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only true way is being honest. This is also a selfish comment: what about your wife? She doesn't deserve to know? She doesn't need to work though her pain through your lies and deception?

There's hope, USC. You need to let your wife know.

One other question: where was your wife at these parties?

u r right. there was a small plan. i accept that. I wore a raincoat. no way i was gonna bring anything home with me. wife had no part of affair. only part she had was not changing for the better over the course of the marriage. im not talking wholesale changes. we have all changed over the yrs. get married at 25. have kids at 30 when u near 40 u change. gradually. u become a ADULT. omg! lets not forget y A's happen. u dont jsut throw people into a blender. there r specific events that lead to them. root cause. lets fix them. and not psyco-analyze everything some1 does. give each other respect n attention. be team players. " i want a spouse i can lean back to back with me..that will protect me like i protect her" I have lost that feeling. my spouse will fall asleep on her watch......

I'm with Pepperband, you exposed your wife to STD's possibly life threatening ones. How would you feel if your wife had sex with someone and didn't tell you? It seems like you want forgiveness from us so you can feel better about your NC. I don't get the "got dragged in" bit. You went willingly, you knew just what you were doing. Be a MAN-tell your wife, ask for forgiveness and take whats coming to you. Think how you would feel in you don't tell her and in a few yrs (yes it can take that long) she finds out that she has a advanced stage of a STD and has permanant damage???? Can you imagine that? I know it seems easier to not tell but thats a cop out. Be a man, have some integrity!!! and there maybe some hope for you. 2x4 right between the eyes