FIM

Well done, kid. I'm proud of you. Now hold on for dear life - I know how hard this is for you.

You see, hon, you have the same problems with boundaries that so many of us have (BS and WS alike). You're a good person - you're kind, loving, generous-spirited - and 'knowing' yourself to be Good is a large part of what defines you and gives you your identity. That's OK as long as you're not in conflict with others. But as soon as you enforce a boundary - as you just have - you ARE in conflict. And the standard defence someone uses against an unwelcome boundary enforcement is to tell the enforcer that you're BAD, that you're selfish, that you're mean-spirited, that you're unreasonable, that you're stupid, that you're inconsistent...yada, yada, yada. You see, they know that you are so uncomfortable with being viewed that way, you will try to move back into a place where you're on the high ground again.

Don't let him shake you, FIM. This is a standard response to the frustration of not getting his own way. He will use EVERYTHING he knows to get you off-balance - and he knows how to push your buttons pretty well, after all this time. Stand firm. Remind yourself that you have thought this through, that you are acting in the best interests of your children - that you are SOLID. Your goodness is still shining - it just can't reflect off the dark, ugly exterior of your H.

Don't let him make you feel like a bad person. That's your achilles heel, and his secret weapon.

TogetherAlone

Faith I remember you posting about your mother. I understand that you really grew up as the care taker in the family, raising your siblings, so it is natural for you to fall into this with your WS. That is why I picked the word enabler.

You are such a good person, that you would hurt yourself to help others. I am so glad that you realized this. Yep, the kids are the number one. I like the plan to see them at home and I think that it is correct to tell them that their father is coming. They don't need any surprizes from him.

He will bet angry with you because you are making him face his failures. He will not like this and will try to rewrite history and turn it on you. He will try to blame you for everything. Watch out and remember that the aliens still have him.

I love your plan. Keep up the good work. Remember, we are here for you-no matter what your choice is. Only you are living in the situation.

If he is serious, he will not return to SA or wherever. He will find a way to stay close to you and the kids and start looking for work. Those are the actions of a man who is trying to make a change. So don't fall for the sweet talk. You need to see actions. Remember, he did this, not you. I would continue the path you are on with the divorce. He would need to do some very fast talking and quick actions to even consider a change by you. Doesn't he have 6 mo. till it is finalized? Boy, I'd hate to be him right now. His worlds have collided and he is crashing and burning. Only he can pull himself out of the ashes. Hugs, love and lots of support to you-Jersey Girl

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: new jersey ]</small>

It is Friday....I am sure you are going to be busy this weekend. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. I wonder if he made the flight. If he did, he's really scared. I am praying to God that he give you strength and that he point you in the direction you need to go. Hugsssss.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by new jersey:
<strong> It is Friday....I am sure you are going to be busy this weekend. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. I wonder if he made the flight. If he did, he's really scared. I am praying to God that he give you strength and that he point you in the direction you need to go. Hugsssss. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks new jersey for thinking of me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He did make the flight.....the noon flight. He called to let me know he was in Houston and on his way to Seattle.

Two nights ago he called and asked me what it would take for me to not want the divorce. "How can we make this better?" I told him I wasn't interested in making it better, if he was talking about the marriage. But he persisted and asked over and over so I told him this.....

First..wouldn't dismiss my divorce petition and he couldn't live here in my house.

I would want to see him move back here and reestablish a relationship with his kids though.

He would need to seek individual counseling.

Naturally, he would need to break up with OW and find a way to prove no contact....by his actions.

He would need to find a job locally and stay with it. (this one upset him because he's never not worked before. But, I told him all I have to go on anymore are his current actions....so get a job and keep it and support your children)

If, at the end of the three month waiting period for a divorce, he had made vast improvements with his ACTIONS and was still in counseling, and I was willing to keep going, I would be willing to extend the divorce proceedings for another three months. (This would constitute a legal separation). During that time, we could date. We could go to couples counseling while he continued individual counseling.

Then, we'd see where we are at the end of that.

His response was, "Well, you don't ask for much do you."

THEN... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> well, if I start no contact with her on Friday, can I stay at the house. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I swear, I laughed at that. Let him know that there was no way he got to do that. "Why not?" he asked.

Well, because we are in the process of a divorce; a divorce that you asked for. You are going to be my EX husband and I don't think it's appropriate for you to stay with me. My home is my sanctuary and I don't feel comfortable having you in it anymore.

Then he accused me of being difficult <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and trying to keep him from the kids.

To which, I told him that I am making it difficult for him to make me feel uncomfortable.

no answer.

You're making it difficult for me to see the kids when I visit.

Me: It is difficult for you to see the kids when you live in Texas. I know that and it makes me sad that they miss out on being with you.

no answer.

So, can I see them at all.

Of course you can.

Conversations with him are odd.

I'm glad I have a lot to do.....oh yeah, he extended his stay until Wednesday.

Last I talked to him he didn't know where he was staying or how he was getting to where he doesn't know he is staying.

GOOD NEWS.........I GOT A CAR TODAY!!! The friend who said she was willing to give me one signed it over. So, I now have a Mercury Sable. It fits all my kids and gets me to work and to the grocery store. I'm pretty excited for that! The kids and I are going to Costco tonight!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FIM

He worked through the script and you were ready for him. Respect!

I know how tough this weekend is going to be. I know how much harder it has to be when he's actually with you in person, when he's with the children you made together. And he's a real talker, isn't he? He'll work you over every which way he can. He'll try everything to make you feel unreasonable, unloving, a bad mother, a fool. He knows it's worked before.

FIM, for both your sakes, stay strong.

My prayers are with you.

TogetherAlone

Oh! I second what TogetherAlone said and

YAY on the car!!!!!!

His response was, "Well, you don't ask for much do you."

Wow, the fog doesn't get much thicker than that, does it? Hang in there, I'm sure this weekend will be difficult but you have to do what is best for your children and you, not what he would like to have in his little fantasy world. (((Hugs)))

FIM,

I see he has taken several emotional slugs at you and you are still standing. His future is in question since he doesn't know who is picking him up , here he is staying and how he will get there? Hm..... not a good agenda.

You will have a loong week but know you have the endurance to survive.

Post when you can and know we are all sending our {{{{mb hugs of support}}} your way.

Aloha,
L.

Mrs. Faith - We are firmly in your corner and will help you through this. If you get weak, rely on us. You are doing quite well. Hang in there, girl.

FIM

Just another post of support for you and your efforts. You are awe inspiring!

(((((((((((((((((((((FIM)))))))))))))))))))


May the weekend be filled with FIM defogging WH at every turn. This may finally be the hard look at the "reality" he has created for himself that de-DORK's him back to the real world.

Best wishes,
SD

FIM,

I admire you for being so strong and standing so firm! Keep up the good work, it'll drive him nuts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care and have a great weekend!

dakotamoon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We're all thinking of you. He was just trying to stay up on that fence a little longer by pushing his way into the home. Good luck trying to keep him out of the door. He doesn't seem to like the fact that you took his cake away.

Hang in there. Whatever happens this weekend, he knows that you are getting stronger and that he is being replaced. You ARE doing it on your own and he is noticing. Got to go...crying kids!! Hugs

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong> But he persisted and asked over and over so I told him this.....

First..wouldn't dismiss my divorce petition and he couldn't live here in my house.

I would want to see him move back here and reestablish a relationship with his kids though.

He would need to seek individual counseling.

Naturally, he would need to break up with OW and find a way to prove no contact....by his actions.

He would need to find a job locally and stay with it. (this one upset him because he's never not worked before. But, I told him all I have to go on anymore are his current actions....so get a job and keep it and support your children)

If, at the end of the three month waiting period for a divorce, he had made vast improvements with his ACTIONS and was still in counseling, and I was willing to keep going, I would be willing to extend the divorce proceedings for another three months. (This would constitute a legal separation). During that time, we could date. We could go to couples counseling while he continued individual counseling.

Then, we'd see where we are at the end of that.

His response was, "Well, you don't ask for much do you."
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, everyone knows I have a weird sense of humor. But this struck me as really funny. FIM, what are you THINKING? Gee, you want him to have a job, give up his OW, be a good father, and go to counseling? For three whole months? What do you think he is? Your husband?

I know this is a horrible situation, but his reaction to your request that he just do the right thing struck me as really funny. Such classic fog.

I guess he was expecting to hear something like this. Move back home, only see OW outside the home, do whatever you want...

Your're doing a fantastic job, FIM. May you have a very strong weekend. We're rooting for you.

Dobie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Dobie:
<strong> [QUOTE]I guess he was expecting to hear something like this. Move back home, only see OW outside the home, do whatever you want...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dobie, what a riot! Of course the thing that makes it so funny is it is likely true!

FiM, hope the weekend is going well. Hang tough lady, especially not letting him stay at the house. Look at it this way... in as little as three months you'll be divorced anyway and he won't be able to stay at the house then, would he? Consider this his trial run, practice, to see what his future really looks like. He can go to a hotel while he hunts for that local job and a place to stay on a more permanent basis while he woos his wife and kids back.

He's got some work to do.

~ Snow

ditto

Just thinking of you...(((hugs))).

Hope you are being good to yourself!

There are many folks on here thinking about you!

Me too! No news is good news...I think.

Come on FIM....thousands of your faithful followers are watiting for the next exciting episode!!!!

How did teh weekend go?

FIM,

I, at least, am worried.

Please stick your head up and say "hi" even if you're not ready to tell all.

-AD