guess not.

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

HEY, I was trying to read that!!!
Danielle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cherished:
<strong> Complaining and threatening and LBing is about trying to get him to change. When you accept that you cannot change him, then you can look at how you want to live and how you want your children to be raised. You won't want to argue your point or broadcast how bad he is. You'll realize that you have made a choice to participate in this relationship. As Dr. Phil says, "There are no victims, only volunteers."

Cherished </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EXACTLY !!!!!!!!! KEMJ, you are making this choice to stay with him. While I appreciate your need to rant, the one you should be ranting is yourself. You know what you are getting in your WH, so why do you act so frustrated? Your WH is who he is, and you have decided to stay with him for whatever reason (kids, security, finances??), so untill YOU DO something about it, rants and the like will not help your situation. No feeling sorry for yourslef here. YOu know what you are getting with him, and YOU TOLERATE IT AND ACCEPT it, so there is only one person who you should be ranting to.

LM

sorry Dani- really. I got really let down hard by cherished because I value her opinion, and I was trying to be honest and explain how and why I came to the conclusions I went to, and what I got back was what you read above.

I am sorry I do not have the self confidance to just up and leave my H. I am scared Sh!tless, but I also am tired of how he is treating me. My goodness if I am his wife the one he is suppose to love I would hate to be this mans enemy. Really. I hate hearing about his new so called GF- who he is making up (or so he leads me to believe) and I am tired of being forced to give OS to have a chance a backrub when my percocet is not working. I want a better life, and I think I want a Divorce, I came here to tell others why I have come to that conclusion and I feel like worse then when I was writeing it. Problem is- even when I do leave, he will never let me go.

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

well Lemon- glad it is easy for you. I have nothing more to say. Except maybe~

Congrats on the Eagles win- they deserved it.

KMEJ,

There's a saying that goes along the lines of

"When you do nothing to change the situation, you lose all right to complain."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

committed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> well Lemon- glad it is easy for you. I have nothing more to say. Except maybe~

Congrats on the Eagles win- they deserved it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EASY...........nah... you know it wasn't for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Self confidence and self esteem is the key here. I know that someday you will get the confidence you need to do this. You are not ready, we understand, but ONLY you can put yourself in a place to do this. You are not allowed to feel sorry for yourself here....you are stronger than this. Most women would have crumbled under what you have already faced. YOU HAVE ALREADY LIVD WHAT YOUR WORST FEARS ARE.........you survived right? YOu will again. Have some faith in yourself girl.. Look in the mirror and say "I LOVE KMEJ". Say it 100 X over. YOU CAN DO THIS

KMEJ -

Bless your heart. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. In any case, it's obvious that you can't leave your H while you're sick.

I read your rant before you deleted it, and I didn't post because all I could think of was very nonMB-like names to call your H! The most polite thing I can think of to say is that he really isn't helping you while you're ill.

Do you have anyone else who could help you with your kids (mother, sister, friend)? The main thing you need to do now is rest and take care of yourself. Large, life-changing decisions can be made later. Hang in there.

God bless,

Rose

At the risk of being called disrespectful...I am going to tell you something...

It would be to your benefit to listen to the advice that you are getting from people here...and concentrate on your marriage instead of continuously trying to engage lemonman in football talk. He has things to offer besides football...and I am not so sure that you even pay attention to that.

I am a football nut...but if my marriage was as deep in the ditch as yours appears to be, I sure wouldn't be using my time on a MARRIAGEbuilding site trying to engage some man in football talk.

There I said it...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

committed

thanks Rose.

I am taking everything everyone says really hard tonight. Can you please lighten up on the 2x4s. I am crying, I do not want to cry. I try to pretend that everything is okay in every other avenue in my life, I try to come off together and a person with a good life, everywhere but here. Here I come and try to make sice of it all. My H's boss called today and told me she can hardly wait to meet me with all the wonderful things my H says about me, and if I can put up with his arrogance that has gotten him where he is I must be a saint. Thing is I do not feel like a saint. I feel like an idiot.

You are right I can not make any real life changeing decisions right now, I just had my Ultra Sound this morning and now I have to go meet with a GI specialist. I just want to feel good and be happy- right now I have neither and a whole mess of bumps on my head from all the dang 2x4s. I have not posted in a while because I had nothing good to say- I did not want to be told I was an idiot. My gut was right.

I know I make bad choices. I guess I am volunteering to live this life. However like I said before, unless H choses to leave he will not let me go. I came here to say and I guess I should of just stated this- I do not think I can wait until March to start making decisions.

feel free to say what ever you like. However I was just congratulating him on his win against my team. A ONE SENTENCE congrats is not too much football talk.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> feel free to say what ever you like. However I was just congratulating him on his win against my team. A ONE SENTENCE congrats is not too much football talk. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ONE SENTENCE this time...

I am talking about ALL the other times.

It's just MY opinion...and I realize that it can be taken with a grain of salt.

committed

taken with a grain. I talk football because it is something I enjoy. This is a Marriage building site, and I guess I should stick to the topic at hand, but sometimes I need a escape from the realities at hand- so I bring up something I know something about.

I am a pleaser, I hate to hurt anyones feelings, I always feel someone is mad at me. I do not stand my ground very well and I think that i why I ended up with the Marriage that I have. I never want to ruffle anyones feathers, I do things to please others and heck with my feelings. I am trying to change that, it is a slow and tedious process, one my H is bucking with full force. I am scared of my husband, I get very tense when he is in a bad mood. I am always afraid I am saying or doing the wrong things. I just want so badly for him to love me I have forgotten who I am, I have forgotten what I wanted out of life. I have forgotten what a true relationship is. I am sorry that I have not been a very good MB member. I am sorry you all feel that I do not take your advice. I was talking with Dalson the other day about setting boundaries because I admit I SUCK at it-- heck I can set them all over the place it is getting them followed through on that is completely different. I admit I have no backbone. I am scared of everything. I never use to be this way. I want to be happy. But I am scared to take the necissary steps to get there. actually I am terrified. I sit in aw of all the people who are strong enough to do it. I did it once too, but I let my guard down at the empty promises made to me. I made real promises to my kids that I would never put them through this again and that is all I want now a days is a new life, one with more happiness then pain. How do I do that with out breaking my promise. I can not so I am weighting the lesser of two evils.

Nothing constructive comes from out-of-control anger.

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

KMEJ,

I just happened to stumble onto this post and, though I don't really know your situation, felt like responding.

Sometime, if you're really dwelling on things and feeling bad about yourself and you have the time to do it, look up a couple of my old threads from somewhere between Feb-April of 2004. You will see I rule at not being able to set boundaries, at worrying too much about hurting others (mainly WH's) feelings, and of being too afraid to do anything...basically just being paralyzed and whining about why I couldn't make this change or that one.

You'll also see all the 2x4's I got! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My point: Once you start making a few decisions and sticking by them, you'll find you really are okay and you'll gain strength, a little at a time, to make more decisions. I'm taking lots of baby steps to get where I am, but I am doing SO much better than I was last year at this time(even though I too still have days when I fall to pieces--they're just much less frequent).

But I don't let my now XH walk on me. I didn't let him walk on me through our DV process. In fact, I reached a point where I was tired of letting him walk on me and threaten me as the WS and I filed for DV. It just took much longer for me to reach that point than most everyone on here was wanting it to.

Try taking a baby step. Instead of just ranting about things, start setting a few boundaries and stick to them. See how it feels when you do accomplish something, and feed off that feeling.

LL

poor kmej....
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

blessings to you..

I can not fathom having mono....the kiddies....and a person in your home that says the things he does....

time to take care of yourself only....

time to rest...
emotionally and physically...
quit going to the alligator and trying to pet him like a kitty-kat....right now you'd be more entertained and loved by a cute kitten...

kmej...
you know I adore marriage builders...so much insight and support and hope here....
and it is here for you as well....but the time is coming where you place your hope in yourself...
hold on to hope for him...
and let him self destruct...

change the chaos
change your language....

when he calls you stupid....
lower your voice...
look him in the eyes...
smile
and say...

"right now I am imagining the day that comes when you and I no longer talk to eachother with name calling....
and with out drama
and with out hurt....
I can picture such a day...can you...

and walk away....
and start to really imagine this in your life...
start to make this your goal....

believe that there are days in future not filled with so much pain and disrespect....
and believe that you can have that life...and that it will be a great life...

that you will one day no longer look at a person you love and have them speak the words...

maybe I have a girlfriend...

so I am telling you to prepare to give up on him in your very near future...

you get your self confidence by picturing those days and moments where your life is filled with serenity...

with him perhaps...
but also without him...

kmej...thousands of people live their lives without such meaness looking them in the eye...
you can have this as well...
you deserve it....

change your language...
simplify your life
get organized
but get strong and healthy first...

you have moments of clarity...then you slip back in to this false reality that you can thrive in this environment...

kmej you deserve better.....

and this is no 2x4..this is belief that no one has to live the way you do...
and I believe in not in some pollyanna way that people can change...and I whole heartedly extend that belief to your husband...

he has three children to whom he should be trying to be the best he can for...
and right now he chooses not....

someday he can change his choice....
but you can't make him....

set yourself free ....

someone once wrote a post about a WS who in the midst of his affair suffered a traumatic brain injury....and in the end came home to live with the BS..cause that's legally where he got to go.....but that is the only reason the affair ended...and she lost her chance to choose...
so she took him home....
and she took care of him in his injured state....

and then one day she posted this imagary of how at first she felt like a weight of a thousand tons was around her neck and heart....

and how she then moved that weight behind her and likened it to her pulling him around in a wagon behind her....

and then in the end how he stayed in that wagon...
and though every so often she would peek around behind to check on him....but she was moving forward....

time to put him a wagon behind you kmej...
time to release the burdon he chooses to be..for unlike this poster...this is his choice....

time for you to walk forward...and check on him now and then....
and then time to let the handle go....
and see if he gets up out of his little red wagon...or if he stays in it....

I read your post kmej...
you are too young to live your life like this..
you have three awesome children....
you can have days filled without name calling...
(well the kids will still say things like you are a stinky butt...atleat mine do.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but they are kids...

start imagining each and every day without chaos...
start seeing it in your mind...

but rest first...

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> I am scared of my husband, I get very tense when he is in a bad mood. I am always afraid I am saying or doing the wrong things. I just want so badly for him to love me I have forgotten who I am, I have forgotten what I wanted out of life. I have forgotten what a true relationship is.

KMEJ - If you, as an adult, feel this way, please try to imagine what your small, defenseless, innocent and trusting children are feeling. If you are scared...I guarantee they are too. If his bad mood makes you tense...it terrifies them. Children want their parents love more than anything in this world. They want so badly for him to love them too. This should not be what a true relationship is to them.


I admit I have no backbone. I am scared of everything. I never use to be this way. I want to be happy. But I am scared to take the necissary steps to get there. actually I am terrified.

Two things stand out to me there....one, no one should ever have to feel this way. Two.... I'm afraid that these very statement will be repeated here twenty years down the road....by your sons wives. Children so often learn what they live.


I made real promises to my kids that I would never put them through this again and that is all I want now a days is a new life, one with more happiness then pain. How do I do that with out breaking my promise. I can not so I am weighting the lesser of two evils. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ....I'm a mom too. That's why I said those things. Sometimes, it's so hard to make a hard decision just for ourselves. That's why I bring up the kids.

I am just guessing here....and mean no disrespect at all....but my guess is there is some minimizing of the effects of this situation on your children being done in your own head. It's even harder to not make the decision and do what is so hard if you are facing the reality of what your children are living through. I'm just asking you to look at that FIRST AND HARD. It may be what you need to find the strength you need.

This really isn't an attempt at a 2 x 4. Look at it more as a friend holding your hand, looking you in the eyes and trying to reach a deeper part of you.

There is no lesser of two evils in this case. There is a right and a wrong. Right and wrong for you, for your kids and for WH.

The only promise to your children that you need to worry about is the one to keep them safe. No child should have to be scared or watch their mom be scared or terrified.

Here's the 2 x 4. You are their mom. It's your responsibility to find the strength and grow the backbone.

Look at those babies, KMEJ, and you WILL find the strength. Your love for your children comes through. You're not afraid to work hard and do everything you can to take care of them.

BUT, you are failing to care for them in the most important way. I honestly believe that you can find the strength..maybe not for yourself yet, but certainly for your children.

Cherished I think you are right, I think he knows he is hurting me and gets pleasure from it.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I know I can not change my H. I for some reason keep convinceing myself or having myself convinced that his behavior is my fault or from something I have done. I know better but I have found it easier to blame myself, because I am something I can change. The problem with that is that I have let myself believe it so much that I have let myself get depressed. I have to accept the fact that the family does not rest on my shoulders. My H's choice to have an A was not my fault, him losing his job was not my fault- all the things he has decided are my fault really are not.

On a positive note while I was at the clinic on Friday I asked for a referral to a good IC and for a script for a anti depressant or anti anxiety med- however the doc said I can not have those until the swelling from the mono goes down. it is a step.

wow thank you all to have replied to me. I had a real hard time writeing that post because I was scared to admit things and was wondering what 2x4's would be coming my way.

I too worry about what kind of example I am setting for my boys. They are so sweet and cute and loving and cuddly. They shower me with kisses and hugs (however no kisses right now as I do not want them getting mono- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) they are full of smiles and the neighbors love them. My fWH, maybe WH is pretty good to the two younger ones, and can be okay to the oldest- however they know he means business and when he says jump they ask how high. With me it is different, they walk all over me. I wanted so badly to raise them in a loving home, I want them to have a positive father figure in their lives. I want them to have the security of not coming from a broken home, but you are right what kind of security am I provideing them? My H is to start working more days soon, and he tells me things will get better for all of us soon when he can sleep normal hours he claims he will be a better husband and father- I am just not sure I can wait that long. I feel so depleated. I just simply want to be loved. I know life is not a fairy tale.

I really do want to set boundaries, can someone please help me set one that will provide me with a way to be treated with respect?

<small>[ January 19, 2005, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>