Hi guys-well WH came up today to visit the kids. I was civil enough-but cool. After the kids went down for thei nap WH looked at me and said "ok-your in a mood....you have been all day". I said "what? I'm not in a mood-how do you want me to act? If I am falling all over you you don't want that-but if I'm not you don't what that?" He said "nevermind-I am sorry. I don't know what I want.....I just feel like I bring out the worst in you. I feel like everything I do around you is wrong-like I am walking on eggshells." I said "well-I don't mean to make you feel that way".

Then he started crying again. He said "I am SO sorry for all this-for all I have done to you. You deserve so much better. I feel like such a skrew-up" I told him I knew he was sorry and that I was sorry things have to be this way too, but I didn't know how to help. I asked him if he was happy now. He said "I miss the kids-I know thats not what you want to hear...but I only miss them. I am happy not be fighting all the time. Why couldn't I have just been happy? I should have been Happy!!" I pretty much just let him talk. Then he said "I feel torn b/t what I want to do and what I should do-what everyone expects me to do" I asked him what would make him happy and he said "I don't think I even know-I wish I had just been happy here" I hugged him and told himI forgave him.

We sat and cried for a bit. He told me he wished I didn't love him and I told him I wished that too-but I do. I didn't mention the OW and neither did he so I don't know about their relationship. I just let him talk. He said he was sorry for always doing this to me-for crying to me but no one else understands or will listen. He said he was afraid everyone would hate him by the time this is over w/ and he just wants it done.

I don't know what to say to him-I think I did ok as far as not begging or anything-I tried to just listen and let him know I was there. It is hard to know what to say during something like that.....

You have been given a perfect opportunity to share.......

When my WS came back crying and confused, his words hurt also. I reminded him that he is the one who took himself out. Maybe he lost himself out there and needs to go find himself (gentle reverse babble and using his own words against him). I reassured him of my love for my family and if he wanted t/b included with that he needed to show us that he was valuable enough to consider taking back.

You see right now it is still all about him.

1. "I miss the kids-I know thats not what you want to hear...but I only miss them. I am happy not be fighting all the time. Why couldn't I have just been happy? I should have been Happy!!"

2. "I feel torn b/t what I want to do and what I should do-what everyone expects me to do"

3."I don't think I even know-I wish I had just been happy here"

Me-ism....can you see it? Yet this frame of mind is NOT bringing him any amount of happiness he can live on. This is reality hitting him. Let it hit him. Don't stand and absorb the blow. He won't learn much if you absorb any of these vital blows.

When I spoke to the WS, I spoke family vs WS, while we were looking for the H. I let him know that the H was welcomed home but the WS is confused character and that person did not make our family feel safe.

With those thoughts I sent the WS/H back out there to 'go find himself'. Oh yea, he now had what he schemed sooo much to have (at all costs), now I was giving it to him and he didn't like it.

That meant that even the A was being given to him..... do you realize how that messes up the fog?

WS/OPs statagy thrive on doing the opposite of whatever the BS says. That's the beauty of using reverse babble. It sends them for a loop and in most cases it gives them enough confusion that the BS can regroup and charge again or run for the hills. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Hey, your WH sounds like mine right now. I've sort of noticed a pattern. It seems that when he and OW aren't getting along so great, he gets "weepy" and questions every thing he's done from the A to present. He misses our "family time". He's sorry for all the hurt. He doesn't know what he wants to do. He still loves and cares about me. He wants to be held.

Then.....POOF! A few days later (I guess he and OW make up), he's back to WH again. No calls. No more sorrow. Just he and OW in their perfect little world again.

I'm not familiar with your situation, but if he keeps this back and forth stuff going, you will probably have to go to Plan B. That is, assuming you've Plan A'd for a while (usually between 3-6 months.)

L&A

I have noticed something about this type of behavior..it is very protective of the A relationship.

How can that be? How can his unhappiness and pangs of loss be good for the A?

Simply this..I didn't say good for it, I said protective of it...by unloading it on you he is keeping their romance shiny and full of fun and enjoyment. Keeping the fantasy and handing you the shovel.

Do you think OW wants to watch him weep and moan and waffle and wish? He wasn't happy with you..he isn't happy with her. He isn't happy. I'd let him bring that need..right to the feet of the person he has chosen. If she is to be filling all ens..that includes yucky hard ones too.

So, if I were you..until he is prepared to act..I would not provide this outlet. Let the two of them deal with it. He who owns the dog shovels the sh*t.

Noodle

Thanks guys for the replys. I know I need to be strong and I shouldn't comfort him or fell sorry for him, but I am so weak! I always find myself feeling so bad for him and trying so hard to help him-how twisted is that? I am the one that was left and I end up being there for the "leaver". whatever.

WH called about 20 minutes after he left and asked me what I was doing. I said "nothing-what are you" he said "eahding home to get a shower and go to work. I just wanted to say again how sorry I am. really I am sorry" I said "it's ok-quit saying that. Have a good night" he said "you do the same-talk to you tomorrow, bye".

It is so hard to know what to say when he apologizes a million times! I end up telling him it is ok, not to worry about it, blah blah blah b/c I don't want to make him feel worse, hurt his feelings, whatever.

I am really ready for this to be behind me. Either he wants to be here or he doesn't. Judging from everything he tells me, he doesn't want to be here, he doesn't love me.....so why does he insist on playing this sad, crying card all the time?

AUGH!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks guys for the replys. I know I need to be strong and I shouldn't comfort him or fell sorry for him, but I am so weak! I always find myself feeling so bad for him and trying so hard to help him-how twisted is that? I am the one that was left and I end up being there for the "leaver". whatever.

WH called about 20 minutes after he left and asked me what I was doing. I said "nothing-what are you" he said "eahding home to get a shower and go to work. I just wanted to say again how sorry I am. really I am sorry" I said "it's ok-quit saying that. Have a good night" he said "you do the same-talk to you tomorrow, bye".

It is so hard to know what to say when he apologizes a million times! I end up telling him it is ok, not to worry about it, blah blah blah b/c I don't want to make him feel worse, hurt his feelings, whatever.

I am really ready for this to be behind me. Either he wants to be here or he doesn't. Judging from everything he tells me, he doesn't want to be here, he doesn't love me.....so why does he insist on playing this sad, crying card all the time?

AUGH!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks guys for the replys. I know I need to be strong and I shouldn't comfort him or fell sorry for him, but I am so weak! I always find myself feeling so bad for him and trying so hard to help him-how twisted is that? I am the one that was left and I end up being there for the "leaver". whatever.

WH called about 20 minutes after he left and asked me what I was doing. I said "nothing-what are you" he said "eahding home to get a shower and go to work. I just wanted to say again how sorry I am. really I am sorry" I said "it's ok-quit saying that. Have a good night" he said "you do the same-talk to you tomorrow, bye".

It is so hard to know what to say when he apologizes a million times! I end up telling him it is ok, not to worry about it, blah blah blah b/c I don't want to make him feel worse, hurt his feelings, whatever.

I am really ready for this to be behind me. Either he wants to be here or he doesn't. Judging from everything he tells me, he doesn't want to be here, he doesn't love me.....so why does he insist on playing this sad, crying card all the time?

AUGH!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks guys for the replys. I know I need to be strong and I shouldn't comfort him or fell sorry for him, but I am so weak! I always find myself feeling so bad for him and trying so hard to help him-how twisted is that? I am the one that was left and I end up being there for the "leaver". whatever.

WH called about 20 minutes after he left and asked me what I was doing. I said "nothing-what are you" he said "eahding home to get a shower and go to work. I just wanted to say again how sorry I am. really I am sorry" I said "it's ok-quit saying that. Have a good night" he said "you do the same-talk to you tomorrow, bye".

It is so hard to know what to say when he apologizes a million times! I end up telling him it is ok, not to worry about it, blah blah blah b/c I don't want to make him feel worse, hurt his feelings, whatever.

I am really ready for this to be behind me. Either he wants to be here or he doesn't. Judging from everything he tells me, he doesn't want to be here, he doesn't love me.....so why does he insist on playing this sad, crying card all the time?

AUGH!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Umm....sorry for the 4 posts....it never acted like it went through-but I take it that it did! Sorry guys!