Yes , If I know my Dh he will choose to know very little details, He will want to forgive me and he is the type of man to not hold grudges...
We have been married 26 yrs.

jewell555,

I couldn't help but notice that in your first post you stated that you are a very happily married woman and I'm not disputing this but if you were seduced into having sex with another man then it shows that that there is a void inside you that the OM was able to fill. This void may have been due to some very important and long neglected EN [emotional needs] of yours that your H had not fulfilled or it may have been due to some unaddressed pre-marital issue[s]. In any case, you must address the issue[s] that were instrumental in you falling for this OM so that not only you will not repeat your mistake but to rebuild the trust that has been shattered by your very brief affair with the OM.

TMCM

Chris,

I was going to go and make my email
so that he could not email me you know a block
I dont have any of the letters because he taught me to delete everything and even showed me how to get rid of the cookies....

Thanks coffeeman
thank you all so much for your help

as in this situation I need all the adice from good people like you thath I can get....

coffeeman

I understand what you are saying , but me and dh went over the Needs being met questionaire last nite and I really dont know of anything that is missing, except maybe some excitement....
I dont know....

When you delete them, they go into the "Deleted Items" folder. Did you delete them out of there also?

Coffeeman is it possible that I fell because I did not think I could? I honestly did not think it was possible....that I was so strong and happy.

Yes Chris , I deleted everything.

Yes Chris , I deleted everything.

Chris is it important that I get proof from
him that he threatened before I break this off
and expose him?

jewell555,

Here are the links to the EN [Emotional Needs] and LB [Love Busters] questionaires:

The ENQ(Emotional Needs Questionaire) .
The LBQ(Love Busters Questionaire) .

Also please consider getting Dr Willard Harley Jr's books 'His Needs, Her Needs', 'Surviving An Affair', and 'Love Busters'. All these excellent books can help turn your marriage into a much happier and healthier one for both you and your H.

TMCM

I really dont know of anything that is missing, except maybe some excitement....
How can you husband meet these needs and what you need to be exciting and how, is what you put in the answers.

Can I ask you all something?

Is this a common thing for men to do that are promiscous? To threaten the person he is involved with ? I was just wondering if this is a common tactic..

Jewell-

Not only must you block his e-mail, but you have to tell your H, His Wife, draft a no contact letter with your husband and like was said before if he's a church member...tell the minister. You need to blow him completely out of the water.

-Caren

No it is not "common", except to people with serious problems.

I will do it ...

I am going to call my pastor...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jewell555:
Coffeeman is it possible that I fell because I did not think I could? I honestly did not think it was possible....that I was so strong and happy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, people for the most part beleive that affairs happen to other people who lack morals but they fail to realize that affairs don't just happen overnight [unless you are promiscuous to begin with]. As you yourself found out, your affair started with a simple and innocent friendship that little by little started crossing marital boundaries[i.e. the spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex other than your spouse; the sharing of details of your personal life; the exclusivity of the friendship, etc.]which combined with secrecy from the other spouse, ignited into an emotionally and/or physically forbidden relationship with the OM. Does this mean that men and women who are not married to each other can never be friends? Of course not, as long as BOTH of them are aware what the marital boundaries they should never cross.

TMCM

I blocked all of my email addresses from him
I tried to call pastor ...he is out of town
for the weekend...

Coffeeman , If I were your wife , would you be able to forgive what I have done?
I will do anything to keep my dh...I will lick the floor at his feet....I will even lick his feet.....

jewell

I'm a FWW so I know how difficult this will be for you but you must tell your H.

It is unlikely this man is serious about harming you or anyone, however a threat is a threat and you should treat it with caution until its proven to be safe.

You cannot allow this man to threaten your family, because thats is what he is doing.

If you have the emails then you should lodge a complaint with the Police and tender the emails as evidence if you have them. Also seek a Protection Order urgently.
Police usually have software available that can recover deleted cookies and email so it may be possible to get this, in fact most software sellers have something like this available.
If you are using Windows XP you may be able to reset/recover the PC back to the date of the threats or around then and recover them as well that way.

Once having told your H & Police you should expose him to his wife and church group and YES warn your SIL....this man is a predator.

He is playing on YOUR fears and must be confident of knowing you enough so that he thinks he can do this. Do not reply to him if he emails or rings report it to the Police & tell your H.

Is it common to threaten women in this situation????

No not necessarily, however from my experience in aiding Womens & children in abusive situations it is the start of a pattern of abuse. First it is threats, followed by how far they can push the envelop, emotional blackmail, bullying, some shoving around and then serious abuse. There is some research that indicates that initially lot of this is bluff at first until the predator feels secure enought to begin physical abuse.e.g what reaction they get - woman walks away, reports them etc its typical bully tactics etc ..anyway play safe get Police involved.

Yes there will be repercussions in your M, of course but MB can help there, but first make sure you, your family are safe.
I suspect once Police are involved he will run, it sounds a bit far fetched to think he'has a hit man' I think he believes you are gullible enough to accept whatever he says.

This is very much about manipulation and power not you per se I suspect.

Once the exposure and Police are in action please read all you can about affairs on this site, it may be a good idea to get a few books to help understand what happened to you and why you were vulnerable to this man..one is called
Surviving an Affair, by Drs. Harley and Chalmers about $13 & His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. William Harley about $15
I think there are one or two others that could be helpful but for now just start with the basics.

Now you H may want some help as well, the books are great for the betrayed spouse so you might mention them to him. Also offer him this site if he wants to come & vent as he will be hurt and angry, bitter, confused he needs to work through his emotions too. (my H started here first & I followed reluctantly but I know it helped him so much as well as me - we had a simple rule we didn't read each others posts unless the other said it was ok)
OK enough to start with.... many very experienced posters with great advice from experience are here who I'm sure will help you.
You can vent, ask questions etc etc.

Jewell:

To threaten the person he is involved with ? I was just wondering if this is a common tactic..

1st of all nice caring people can have affairs even when they are happily married. I am married to one and I don’t believe she has a bad bone in her body. In this category one mostly find women who like you are perhaps looking for the romantic juvenile enchantment they once had.

OTOH, many OMs are different and they actually prey on women with this trait. As a general rule a good OM is very smooth and always knows when to say the right thing until he gets the woman in bed. Some may play the game for up to a year before consummating the affair with SF. In your case you seem to have a rather malignant OM. But, it is not uncommon for OM to stalk the family and to indirectly or directly threat the WW if needed. That is par for the course. It is sometimes painful for the WW to realize OM was not Mr. Nice guy.

You must inform your H immediately and go to the doc right away. It is possible that this OM has slept with MANY women and you are at risk. Your H deserves to know that he is also at risk.

Again----- affairs can happen among happily married people. I guess this may occur when they want the passion that can only be generated by a NEW body. Some re-write marital history to justify the A----- you have not done this.

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: Stan-ley ]</small>