Wow this is so weird and scary
I have read most of the Marriage builders concepts... I came here because I am looking
for a way out.
ABout a month ago a older ,very innocent looking man began Emailing me, to keep me informed about functions that our small church group attended....we would go to music shows, we would all also get together and play music and play dominos together. At first I told my husband , that I didnt know if it was o.k. to email this friend , My husband did not have a problem with it....so I figured if he didnt then why should I worry , as I am a very happily married woman and I would never have an affair right? I didnt realize that I was vulnerable...
this man and I became email buddys sometimes emailing 20 or more times a day...then he blasted me full blast with his sexuality...I was horrified but my body wanted this.....I couldnt seem to stop....He is now gone for 3 weeks and I want to break it off...he thinks I am going to email him, but I am planning on stopping all contact.....I have discovered by his talk that he
does this to women all the time and says he can get any woman he wants ,just by the way he approaches them , he even said that he may get my sister in law...He also has threatened me if I ever tell anything...He is a sex maniac..
wow I want to tell my husband to not let me ever email men again, and I also want to tell my sister in law to stay away from him....but I dont know where to go from here....I am scared....

Out him to everybody who could be his next target. Turn this "Pro" into an amateur.

Tell all to your H and seek his help.

Thanks for the reply,
This man is scarey to me though and he even
told me that he has his own personal hit man
that follows him around...so I am even scared for my DH..... and I also told this man things that I shouldnt have ...he has been married 50 years to a sweet woman ..can you believe it?

All the more reason to enlist your H's help. Don't believe for a minute the hit man crap.

Sounds like his wife ought to receive a phone call. This involves a church group, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Take it to the clergy person. Nip this in the bud right away.

THEN - get yourself and your H into some marriage therapy. For you to be vulnerable to this scum bag, there musy be some things missing from your marriage. Maybe not big things, but things nonetheless.

WAT

Jewell,

Your FIRST step is to tell your husband. And..tell him about the threat.

Your H will be mad and hurt, no doubt. But..HE is the person who can best protect you. And your confession to him will be a HUGE first step toward maintaining your no contact agreement.

As I see it, you really can't expose this to anyone else UNTIL you have told your husband. If you do, he'll hear it as gossip. He needs to hear it from you.

Please, please, please, please tell him. ANd do it TODAY!!!!

and save the threatening emails from him.

I know you are all right!
I am so scared to do this
but I know I must... I wished I would have been stronger and not taken in..I thought I was.
I realize this man is sick...he is so obsessed with women...
Thank you all for your help...
My DH thinks I am perfect.

Hi jewell,

Well,I guess you found out that this guy was not so innocent afterall.What a wacko.He can get any woman he wants huh? RIGHT. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I agree not to believe all the huffing and bluffing BUT that still would make me VERY cautious.You just never know 100% of the time when people are being truthful and even though this guy probably doesn't have a handy hitman nearby you don't know what he is capable of.If what has transpired by now doesn't give you the heebie jeebies and make you want to be 10,000 miles away from this guy then I dont know what would change your mind.

And,it's ACTION that will change this for you.Stop e-mailing the guy,expose him to the entire community(he sounds threatening and dangerous) and tell your H everything,lay it all out on the table and deal with it,together.

Good luck

O

Jewell,

I felt hte same way about my wife. And...I was devastated to learn that I was wrong - that she was as capable of deceit and dishonesty as anyone else.

But...this board is loaded with stories of people who learned the unthinkable...and came out with a stronger, healthier marriage in the end.

Have you thought about the reason that you had the A? Yo usaid that your "body" needed the sex. But...what was the underlying emotional needs?

Can you talk to your pastor about this? Perhaps you and he and your H could meet together, and you could break the news in that setting.

You are never going to be out from under this until your H knows. The OM will have power over you UNTIL you tell your H.

Tell him. That's the first step toward healing for you.

Did you actually have(physical)sex with this man or was it all e-mail stuff?

Octobergirl,

Yes even though I feel I still have some sort of attachment to this man...My real thought of him are that he is the worst kind of criminal.. trying to destroy peoples lives and looking so innocent .....If I never saw him again it would be too soon....Its bad enough if you cant be faithful to your spouse but to look for conquest after conquest with no remorse, is unbelievable....

Yes I did Octobergirl...1 time
but I cant tell my dh this part.

Now it's more complicated.

Your H will eventually find out if you do the right things and expose this creep.

Better for you to tell him than for him to find out elsewhere.

Don't even think for a minute that you will be able to get your life back under control keeping this a secret. Do it now. Get it over with, then start building a new marriage.

WAT

Scrub yourself clean using the truth as antiseptic. Anything short of coming "clean" with your husband leaves YOU feeling dirty.

Come clean to your H. He deserves as much.

Both of you need STD testing.

YOU can do this! You MUST do this or remain partially hidden from your husband forever.... and who wants that?

Pep

worthatry,

I know the concept here is to tell all
but I dont think it is wise to tell all details
I mean If you say you had sex isnt that enough
why would it be necessary to give more details than that? thanks for all your help!

You've been given good advice and you'd be a fool not to take it.

Stop and think about this for a minute. People who want to harm other people seldom ever threaten them, they just do it. To warn someone is to give them the opportunity to arm and defend themselves, so don't fall for this scumbag's BS about having a personal hit man because if he did have one the last thing he would want is to warn you and run the risk of becoming a prime suspect [killers live and operate in the dark]. Go to your H and tell him the truth about your affair with the OM, his threats, and the two of you go visit the OM's W and tell her everything.

Beleive it or not, the OM is not the greatest enemy to your marriage but your fear of coming clean with the truth about your affair IS.

TMCM

You are right of course..
I must come clean...
It is only fair to my dh...

I would suggest after telling your H about the A to allow him to ask for the information he wants to ask for. Let him decide how much he wants to know about details.

Don't simply tell him, "I had sex with Mr. x and we did this & this & this & this."
Let him ask what he wants about details and be honest with him about it.

Yes , If I know my Dh he will choose to know very little details, He will want to forgive me and he is the type of man to not hold grudges...