Jewell,

As difficult as it may be to believe...there is forgiveness.

TELL your husband.

thanks so much everyone
I have read all and am firmly convinced now that to protect my family me and lots of other people that I need to tell my dh and expose this man.... even though it will cause a lot of hurt also....
My pastor is out of town and I thought it would be helpful if he were here with us before I tell dh, In your oponion , should I wait until he returns sunday or maybe go to my brother who is close to both of us? He is very mature and I think would be very helpful, he just lives a mile away and it is his wife that the man was thinking of hitting on...

Jewel,

It is good you are coming here for support and have your head straight to do the right thing.

My concern is about his threats and actions. Do you have those threats in writing? Is it clear enough to convince the police? Most large cities have internet departments within the police departments which monitor this type of stuff. Get your proof and call them.

Given his violent nature..... it w/b best to take the e-mals but store them in a safe place. Inform your H and both of you do this together. He has threatened another besides yourself..... he is using the church as a tool to lure more people.... you may need to inform your church leaders as well.

Plan cautiously. He sounds like a predator and you have pushed his buttons so he is revealing himself. Somehow he thinks he needs to use scare tactics to keep you within his control. This is dangerous.

Be careful.

take care,
L.

Jewell,

Your brother sounds like he would be a good choice. My view is that it's better to confess sooner rather than later.

After you tell your H...are you resolved to have no further contact with the OM - ever?

Also, is the OM married? If so, his wife should be the next person you tell.

Thanks Orchid

Gosh I am so scared...
Dont you think it may be even more scarey to

NOT do anything? He said it has been a while since he killed anyone but if he was exposed to his wife , he might have to .
he said that he is in many business and has to have a hit man to help him take care of unpaying customers....he looks like a nice elderly man
dont ask me what I ever saw in him ... for me it was all an emotional thing.. I think.
I think the emails are all gone
I even got rid of the cookies and emptied the recycle bin each time . I know the police could take our computer and find the stuff though...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jewell555:
Coffeeman , If I were your wife , would you be able to forgive what I have done?
I will do anything to keep my dh...I will lick the floor at his feet....I will even lick his feet.....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I truly beleive that I would be able to forgive you because I have gone through infidelity via my XW [first W] and have learned and become a great beleiver that forgiveness is NOT for the benefit of the offender but IS for the benefit of the offended. For me forgiveness gave me the freedom to get rid of the resentment, sadness and bitterness that my XW affairs brought me. I did not make my forgiveness dependent on my XW coming forth and asking for it because then I would not have been able to free myself of those 3 demons. NO, I made THE conscious choice that I was not going to wait for an emotional epiphany and that no matter if my feelings said otherwise, I would forgive my XW. It took a while [close to a year] before my heart and my head became synchronized but it was worth it because if I had not forgiven my XW I would have never been able to meet, fall in love and marry the woman I plan to spend the rest of my life with.

Now you may be scratching your head and wondering how it is that I forgave my XW and yet divorced her, well the answer is that forgiveness is NOT the same as reconciliation and therefore her actions [her unremorsefulness, her continued affairs, her abusive behavior towards me and our daughters, etc.] made it clear to me that the marriage had become a toxic and poisonous relationship and that for the wellbeings of my daughters and myself, the only recourse was divorce.

To make a long answer short, the answer is yes but only IF my XW had been like you.

TMCM

Andrew,

Yes I am definately resolved to not have any more contact with the OM. I am hoping he will find a new church, But he said he would do me in if I ruined him by telling his wife.
that is one thing I am really afraid to do...

this is why I am telling so that I wont even be tempted to see this man again...
At first he told me that the best part of my life had begun...the truth is that this is one of the worst....and he is such a jerk.

Jewell,

Don't let his threats keep you from doing what you need to do righat away - tell your H. That's the best way to protect yourself.

Orchid is right: you and your H need to plan carefully how you are going to deal with this man.

His wife needs to know. The fact that he would threaten you demonstrates how afraid he is of the consequences of her knowing. He's given you a powerful weapon - esposure. Use it!

I'm no Matlock, by the way, but it seems to me that the simple statement that it's "been a while since he has killed anyone" should be enough to at least get the police to question the guy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jewell555:
<strong>Coffeeman , If I were your wife , would you be able to forgive what I have done?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not CoffeeMan - nor his wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> - but I'll predict that CoffeeMan will say, "YES! Of course I could forgive you!" Otherwise he wouldn't be here on this forum.

But the priority for now is this creep who "hasn't killed anyone in a while." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It's tempting to play him just long enough to get him to say that in an e-mail, but we certainly won't recommend playing with this fire.

Don't wait on the pastor and confide in your H as soon as you're ready. If it feels like you want anyone else with you, make that decision and just do it.

Let's see what others have to say here, but if this creep really threatened to kill somebody if his wife found out, you should consider going to the police or calling a local crisis hotline for guidance. This guy is a nut case and should get no benefit of the doubt.

WAT

Thank you all

and thanks coffeeman...

1. Get your proof together.
2. Inform your H
3. Call the police
4. Inform your pastor
5. warn your SIL - why did he choose her?

worthatry

All I would have to do to get him to threaten me is to say that I think we ought to tell our spouses....he would go off and he is in florida with his wife for the next 3 weeks..

worthatry

All I would have to do to get him to threaten me is to say that I think we ought to tell our spouses....he would go off and he is in florida with his wife for the next 3 weeks..

Orchid,

we all go to the same church.
and we are all sort of friends

Orchid,

we all go to the same church.
and we are all sort of friends
and he said that he likes bone thin
women and my SIL is bone thin.

No, No, No!!

Do NOT communicate with him at all.

It's good he's gone now. You can get your ducks in a row with your H and anyone else to support you before he gets back.

Is he expecting some communication from/with you? Does he call on the phone?

This part of the picture is over our heads. We cannot/should not guide you regarding potential criminal activity. Please contact someone local in law enforcement or a crisis hotline or an attorney. Your pastor may be able to help here.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jewell555:
But he said he would do me in if I ruined him by telling his wife.
that is one thing I am really afraid to do...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jewell, even if you have no hard evidence, you and your H can still go to the police and file a report that this poor excuse of a man has threaten to kill you and your H if you were to tell his W about your affair with him. Of course they are not going to arrest him for issuing threats but if foul play were to befall you and your H, guess who the prosecution would have as the most likely prime suspect?. And as Aussiewife said, consider getting a restraining order against him so that he knows you mean business. Don't be surprised if you did these two things you will discover that mr toughguy is nothing more than a scared little boy in an old man's body.

TMCM

Yes he will be expecting me to email him
by the time he gets to Florida Sunday or monday I told him that we shouldnt email while he is gone and he said "your kidding right?
that aint gonna happen."

I blocked him from emailing me, should I unblock it so he wont think something is up?

Call the police and ask for their advice.

Coffee man I think that is a good idea

I would like to get a restraining order
and that way he would know that if he does any
thing to any of us that he will get sent to
the pen....
Also I want dh to know how much I want this man out of my life!

thanks ....great advice.