Hey Everyone...

I have not posted in a long time. I visit everyday and keep up with alot of people. I usually dont respond to posts because I am in no position to give an opinion when my own life is so messed up.

I guess I can be classified as one of those people that just cant seem to do what needs to be done in this situation. Sorta like M23Boys, except I am appoarching 2nd anniversary of D-Day. I know way toooo looong. So much has happened in my life in the past 2years, I really dont know how I am standing. I guess maybe I am stronger than I realize. I guess basically I am asking for help with a conversation that me and WH are going to have. I use the term conversation very loosely..I have so much anger and resentment in me. I just dont know how to talk to WH or what to say to WH anymore. My feeling is this conversation will be "the beginning of the end."

Dont want to get into long post..If you guys are willing to talk to me I am finally in the state of mind to listen and act. Ask any questions..will answer.

Thanks in advance

L

Hi Lisa,

I for one would be willing to hear what is going on although I have to admit I gave up posting to momto3boys long ago,it was very frustrating to me but,you are not her so....

Also,I would also encourage you to get the Mods to delete your other 5 topic headings before you get 6 threads going at once. lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


O

LISA:

I'm willing to listen and communicate with you.

O:

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who gets frustrated. Sometimes I think about going away again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

mimi,

Please don't go away out of frustration.We need supportive people like yourself.Just stop posting to those who aren't following the advice or plans or ignore your posts.That's what I do anyway.

Sorry Lisa.

Tell us your story when you're ready. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Lisa,
Here to try and help.

Hi O and Mimi,

Thank you both for respondinging. I have read numerous times about both of you.

I Have been here almost 2years. As you can see from my tag line we are a blended family. We have been together 8 years and married for almost 3 years. My WH told me about his A on our 1st wedding anniversary. This was with OW1. I will try to condense this as much as possible. After I found this site I started to follow the plans, but life has been a rollercoaster. In the immediate months following D-Day I became pregnant and then suffered a miscarriage, lost 50 pounds, and suffered blantant contact. This all in the year 2003. The next year didnt get much better. We own our own business and since WH took a leave of his senses in 2003 and the beginning of 2004 we almost lost everything. Had to file Chapt 13...still waiting for confo on this so I may still lose my home. All bright spot we have bounced back business wise. In the fall of 2003 OW2 came into the picture. Continued contact, lies deceit, up to this very moment.

We have talked and fought to no avail. I have expressed my feeling to him verbally and in letters as has he. But we still get no where. Since we are a blended family, WH has his kids every other weekend and half the summer. This schedule has remained in tact. Even though when the weekends that he didnt have his kids he was not home with me and our 2 children. Even after he so called moved out at my request in June 2004, he has still seen his kids every visitation. Dont get me wrong I love these children as my own and they are my kids brother and sister, but this whole situation is bizarre.

Every now and then it seems like the fog starts to lift so I respond in a positive manner and we do seem to start to find our way back but that doesnt usually last long. The past holiday season was very nice between us much better than last year and the kids had a great time.

My husband has never told me he doesnt love me. He says he cant make me happy. Says it has nothing to do with anyone else its between us. I told him I fully agree and understand this but I will not be a part of this situation anymore. He doesnt not see the importance of NC and is unwilling to committ. Says whats the point so in 6 months we are right at the same place. There is so much more he says to me but I will start with this..ask any questions.

Basically I am at the point where I want to be seperated on my terms not his. Dont know how to convey this since I still love him and want my marriage. Although I am starting to think I am alittle crazy to be thinking that.

Thanks

L

I'm in a similiar situation, but I've decided that Plan B will come into effect in the next couple of weeks. I will be speaking with my husband tonight and don't know whether or not our talk will be productive. Eventhough he's had the affair (and still ongoing), tonight's talk will focus on me and him and what we want from each other. I guess I'm going this route because every other talk that we've had, the OP's name is always brought up and I get so emotional and for him he shuts down or leaves. So tonight will be about us and what we want from one another and maybe a decision as to whether or not we really want to put forth the effort of reconciliation.

Like you, my husband doesn't understand the importance of going NC with the OW. He keeps telling me that they are just friends - more like bed buddies. I'm just so over this whole thing, it's just so unfortunate that he can't let her go as well as she can't let him go! Side note: this OW sat in front of me and said, "I would never do this (the affair) to any woman because I would never want it done to me." What a crock - I was born female, still am female, and will be when I die. Yes, I still have animosity towards her, but I am in anger management and I hope that it's helping.

Lisa, you're not crazy for loving him. I think all of us will always love our spouses in some way since they have brought joy into our lives early on. I still love my husband because of the experiences that we shared as well as those happy memories - those will always be in my heart! Cherish your happy memories but at the same time you need to take care of yourself and your family.

Thanks Dreamsgone,

Sorry to hear about your situation.

About 2 months ago my WH texted me and said we need to talk.(we still havent had this talk). Basically he wants this talk to be just like you said about us and what we need from each other. He even went as far as saying it would be on my terms. Well this text came after about 3 months of emotional detachment on my part from him. He has a very hard time with this, says he cant stand being that way with me. Says he is losing his best friend and the only person whomever supported him emotionally and believed in him.

Sometimes my detachment is the only way I remain sane. But usually he will say these types of things and I begin to soften up and start to let him back in my heart, only to get screwed again and realize nothing has changed on his part. I guess we can still have this talk but I am fearing I am past that right now. I want him to fully feel the effects of the consequences of his actions. Am I being selfish?


L

Hi Lisa,

Thanks for your update.

If I may ask,what are you afraid of,just being past it all? What is so bad about that? You certainly have put up with more than your share of this less than perfect situation.You are not being selfish.I think your WH needs a real heavy dose of you just not being there for him anymore.He will either learn to live without you or realize that the loss is too much to bear.Either way it's not the stagnant life you are in now with him,there has to be change.You have to ask yourself if you are willing to live as is.

I know you love your WH.we all love our WS's but you know,love isn't enough.Everyone comes to realize that eventually.The feelings are grand but it's more than feelings,it's actions,responsibilities,life.I loved my WH very deeply and I wanted to grow old with him but I had to let that go because there is no way I could go on living as I was with my WH still in contact with the homewrecker and with me and our children not being his priorities.I loved him and he says he loved me but it wasn't enough.Y

ou are in a never ending cycle that is perpetuated by inaction,on both your parts.It's not enough to make minor transitory changes when dealing with Infidelity,it has to be sweeping,major and permanent.I think a very dark Plan B is in order although I don't know how that would work if you are working together at your company.

O

<small>[ January 21, 2005, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

L-

You've already stated that you still love your husband and want your marriage. But on the flipside you "want him to fully feel the effects of the consequences of his actions." Well, we all want our WS to feel the effects to, but in my opinion, you're going to have to follow the rules set by Dr. Harley should you want to keep your marriage intact. Yes, it will be difficult but worth the tribulations should you succeed. Look over Plans A and B and make sure that you give a lot of thought into these plans. In addition, read what's on the MB site - plenty of great information. Hope all goes well for you and should you get overwhelmed just remember that MB is here for you!

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the replies. It is snowing heavily here. Got plenty of snacks for the kids and right now my two youngest are playing Play-Doh on the kitchen table. Its just me and the kids.

O,

I agree with you fully, this situation is/was created by the inaction of both of us. I have not been able to go to Plan B because of the business. With the bankruptcy and our financial problems, the business needed both our full attention. This meant basically working together on it day and night. But I am ready to step away from the business now and since my little guys are almost school age, I am going back to work full time. I have a job interview on Monday for a position I have been waiting to open up for over a year now. I am very scared and excited about this.

I feel once I land a full-time job and start to feel somewhat independent again I will be able to Plan B him successfully.

Dreamsgone,

I know I must come up with a Plan and stick with it. I do nothing but read and re-read information. Had to stop recently, sometimes its just too much..info overload.


L