Well I awoke this morning and took DSto school, allowed the girls to stay home cause they were awake when I had to take WH tothe ER for pain and they looked exhausted... in fact DD, 13, is still sleeping.

WH got up and called his doctor's office, they said come in. He said he felt fine to drive(???) and went to the trailer he's been staying to wash up...

Somewhere between here and there, his Dad called him and blasted him out. There are issues with a car he cosigned on, and I told WH he needed to take some responsibility since it was his Dad and I am already paying everything else...

Well he has still not paid a thing, his car payment bounced... his Dad cussed himout and WH got pissed... he is in alot of pain and obviously not coping well... Then his Mom calls him, she is an emotional wreck andyway and crumbles at the first sign of adversity.. apparently they were talking to each other (been D for 18 years and both are re-Md) and WH becomes livid that his "mommy and daddy" are in cahoots against him.

Well WH Dad says "you are going to ended up &%$#ing up your mother" and WH said "BTDT" and hung up the phone!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He was molested by his Mom (and I still think maybe his Dad, too) but he has never confronted them, enver dealt with it...

Then when WH dad calls back, WH tells him "I know what happened in our house when we were growing up, you don't want to &*^% with me!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

WH is now still heading to the doctor's (alone) and is quite depressed. He told me he doesn't know howmuch more of the pain he can take, he is at the end of his rope....I know he is hurting physically, emotionally, spiritually...

I told him that giving up was not an option, and that there is nothing we can't get through together I told him he has three children and a wife that love him very much and he needs to hold on cause it will get better... He said, "I thought I could do it alone" ... I told him God didn't make us that way; put us on an island alone and we would slowly go insane... we are human and need other people to help us through life, that was the intention all along, why God gave Adam Eve, why he puts two people together and it is intended to be forever.

I am so worried about him, but am trying to be careful to jump right in and rescue him, but I can't watch him drown either... I would have already been over there and insisting to bring him home, but I really am trying to grow and change... Not control everything, very, very hard!

What should I do? He sounds despondent and I worry about that, he has been nearly suicidal before, and I venture to say he is about there..

Sorry to hear about all this-seems like a lot is going on. I don't really have any words of wisdom other than just be there for him. My WH gets in the moods sometimes-he cries and breaks down and says how sorry he is and how he just wants it all to end....I talk him through it and tell him he has people who care for him. To bad he can't do the same for me.

ANyway-sounds as if you are doing everything you should-hang in there!

Thx S&Tmom....I am really worried about him, it is one thing to feel depressed, to feel physical pain or to feel majorly spiritually drained when you realize what a mess your childhood was and what a mess you made of your life, but I think he is getting it all at once here.

Plus there is that whole "not being a man and providing for his family" thing going on. If I wasn't so mad at him still (at times) I would feel horrible for him! But, he is agrown man,he wants to be independent, and that means taking the lumps that life throws at you.

Iam so torn!

Momma'sSad,
I just went through a similar situation with my WW. I was in plan B, she went into a major depression and I came out of it to help her through it.

I helped her as much as I could and then promptly went back to plan B. I could tell it was going to start being bad for ME if I stayed in contact too much longer. That's what you need to watch for. Do what you can for him but remember that YOU have to come first. When you feel it getting too hard emotionally for you step back out.

It's very hard to watch someone you love when they are hurting but you have other responsibilities (your kids mainly) and you have to be able to concentrate on yourself so that you are the best you can be for them. Your WH is an adult and has to find his way on his own for the most part.

Please be careful and aware of your own feelings. It is easy to lose track of yourself during something like this. If you don't constantly monitor your own feelings you run the risk of being sucked in too far. STAY FOCUSED!

Can he talk to his doctor about some anti-depressants? His depression sounds pretty serious.

C

Yes, I realize that is a real possibility here... BTDT, many times... In fact, I am very good at putting everyone else first and then I loose myself in the process...

This is what I hope to learn to fix w counseling. It is not going to go away overnight... My mom expected me to take care of her (still does), I was physically abused to the point where I am able to disconnect and get through... Still, I have feelings, it hits me later...

I am a great nurse because I can give so much of myself, but there are times that I feel drained and have to step back and acknowledge the pain, the saddness, the frustration so that I can feel functional. The day I stop feeling empathetic, I hope that is the day I realize it is time to move on...

Well now he is supposedly heading back this way...at first he was going to Hardees, said he wanted something greasy (yuck!) and I called him and asked him to pick up something for the girls, then he said "I am going the opposite direction, heading to Chic-fil-A"

He is driving around, seemingly aimless... says he will pick them up something there and will be home soon, also told me he loved me. He scaresme the way he sounds, I do not like feeling helpless!

That's the sad part, Charla... WH is on 2 ADs!! Has been on one for years and the other was added in the fall cause he was still so depressed!

Well I took a much needed nap... WH is back and in our bed, woke up and there he was! Not sure what any of this means... don't want him hanging around cause he feels broken... not able to go anywhere else so might as well hang here... <sigh>

Also not wanting to turn him away when he is obviously feeling fragile... how sad is that?!

Meanwhile his Mom keeps calling, all depressed and wanting to know if he is Ok and can she do anything???!!! Nope, you have done enough, thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Should I even try to talk to him about all this or let him be?

I am about ready to puke! I cannot handle this stress...

Background: WH's Dad called his Mom and got her all upset about us and our bills (WH an I). She recently cosigned on a car for me... I am the one who works and pays the bills... not WH. His Dad has no business calling her at all anyway, they have been D for 18 years, not like they are in this together...

This afternoon WH Mom calls back, ended up going to the doctor for a sedative cause she is allupset over all of this...told you, she isnot stable at all! I assured her that I would be making the car payments, I thanked her for helping me with this (I was totally unaware of the whole A thing when we bought the car less than a month ago or I would not have asked her to help).

Assured her that w/o WH bills, I could make it work out, no problem. She said she was just getting so confused because of all the stuff his Dad is telling her...told her I was sorry and I would take care of my obligations.

I call his Dad and try to talk to him, find out why he has an issue with me. Now I have never had a cross word with this man in almost 18 years... he lays into me, telling me that my payment history sucks and that I can't be trusted to pay, etc... I triedtotell him if he had an issue with me thatn he needed to talk to me, that's what adults do. I ended up in tears. WH heard what happened, called his Dad and it escalated from there. They were both threatening each other, WH threatening to expose all the abuse that took place, the molestation he said "I will ruin you old man"... his dad apparently threatened to throw him out of the trailer, he wasn't welcome there, etc. Then WH tore outta here like a bat out of he**

I called him and tried to reason with him, told him he was gonna end up in jail and his kids will end up calling anohter man Daddy (major LB I know, but I was trying to stop him from doing something really stupid!)

Apparently he drove by, his Dad was on the porch and WH glared at him til his Dad went into the house... now he is heading to his Mom's to get my plate & registration??!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am sodone with all this drama! Now he calls and is in so much pain and is angry?! He shoudldn't even be driving! Geez! What am I supposed to do with all this mess??!!

am beginning to think I am talking to myself here... was it something I said? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

No it wasn't something you said. Just had to digest what you wrote. You have a lot happening with emotions running amuck out your way.

What do you do? Take a few cleansing breathes. Enough to clear your head a bit but no hyperventilating. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Pay what is on your plate and your responsbility. Take care of your obligations. Leave the rest alone. If the WS drives like a maniac, make sure you and the children are not in the car with him. If your MIL is nuts, let her be that way at her home. If the FIL is abusive, stay away from him.

See there isn't much for you t/d except take care of your stuff and stay out of their way. The chaos is theirs. Stay out of it.

JMHO,
L.

This has truly been the day from he**!! No, really! I mean, at midnight I was sitting in an ER with WH in lots of pain so he could get a shot in his tush...

All this crap today... what a mess!

Well WH came back here in alot of pain...I picked up his new meds from the pharm for him and gave it to him when he arrived. He laid down for awhile...

Then he was feeling bad for upsetting his father, mad at himself for loosing his temper (that I agree with) says he still cannot stay here and let me take care of him, that he has to take care of himself( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ???) and that he is going back to the trailer. Says he willgo to Promise Keepers in the am and meet w/ me for our MC tomorrow.

He also said that he should not have said anything to his parents about the abuse, shouldn't have brought it all out. He tried to call one of his sisters, but she said she couldn't talk and hung up on him... WE both assume their father was already talking to her. That is something I don't understand... I am estranged fr the father who molested me. He is a shell of a man and I want nothing to do with him. He will never acknowledge my pain and I havetodeal with that. I also have to deal w a mother who cannot handle that I was abused (and horribly emotionally abused by her) so much so that she continues to deny any of my pain and memories... why would the girls take their father's side after he repeatedly assaulted them? Why does WH continue to coddle his "fragile" mother when he has very vivid memories of things she has done to him and his sister? (ok, this I almost understand because I can honestly see her committing suicide and that would not help anything)

Why do we abused children so often turn to our abuser? It is so sad!