It seems like I only come here when I am down, or having a crisis.....sorry.

Well, I discovered some disturbing information yesterday afternoon. I found out that my WW is in the process of filing D paperwork. She is going to do it by herself.

I have talked with two attorneys - one here in CA, and one in Texas. Both agreed that it would be advantageous for me to file in Texas. So I have decided to give up. Within the next week, my attorney will serve her D papers. I am making plans to move at the end of the month, to Austin, to resume my education. I have to leave these two homewreckers to their own devices.

He is filling out paperwork to D his wife simultaneously.

I really didn't think it would play out like this. I guess I didn't follow the MB principles very well. Somehow I think this will be better for me in the long run, although it sure doesn't feel that way right now. My WW is a very needy, selfish person. But I loved her for both her strengths and weaknesses. I guess she only loved me for my strengths.

I am seriously considering going with a "scorched earth" policy once the D is underway....that is, to write a mass email describing the details of my WW and the OM's A, and sending it to every attending doctor that works with her/him. This would possibly affect her ability to practice in this area, as well as decrease the chances that she will get a new residency come July....

I am very sad right now, I really thought this would end differently....I guess I had too much faith in my WW.

She even told me something rather alarming yesterday. We were discussing church, and she said that she doesn't want to go somewhere that makes people so judgemental. She has always professed to be a Christian, but I am not sure she is anymore. I don't know if being in Southern California has affected her beliefs, or her actions as of late caused her to turn from God.

I appreciate all of the good advice I have recieved, and all of the caring I have felt from people I never even met....

TM

{{{{TraellinMan}}}}

I am so sorry you are doing through this. I know how you feel.

"Sometimes we have to hold our head up high, blink back the tears and say GOOD-BYE."

My WH was also a christian and now says he's agnostic. Apparently that's what the OW is. She has turned him into someone I don't even like.
Hang in there and take care of yourself. Chin up!!!!!

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 01:57 PM: Message edited by: TreeReich* ]</small>

TM Very sorry to see you hit this wall.

I know you worked really hard.

I am not surprised your WW does not like the judgment of church - it shows she has a shred of morality left within her at least I guess.

I can say no more other than to wish you well.

{{{{TM}}}}

TM - I too am deeply grieved for you, I'm sorry this has happpened.

Same thing has happened with my WW - not even a year ago, the things she's doing, the people she is hanging out with - all of them were so completely against her moral grain that she would not recognize herself. She has dropped totally out of church, evem stated matter of factly a few days ago, "Well, I suppose they will kick me out for this..."

Strange thing, sin.

My thoughts are with you

David

TM,

So very sorry to hear your news. Good thing you came here, where you can at least receive understanding and compassion.

really didn't think it would play out like this. I guess I didn't follow the MB principles very well.

You do know that MB principles don't guarantee a recovered M, don't you? If the patient dies despite the best efforts of the doctor, it doesn't mean the doctor didn't do a good job. It just meant that the illness was too great.

You tried. I congratulate you for that.

I am seriously considering going with a "scorched earth" policy once the D is underway

It is understandable that you would feel this way. I suggest you reconsider. Revenge feels good at the moment but will likely leave you empty and disappointed in yourself. Consider expending your energies on yourself - your education, a hobby, a trip away.

Again, sorry to hear this.

Skip the revenge. What goes around comes around. Her MM will leave her and go back to his wife. She will be left with no one. She isn't worth the effort.

TM, I dont think I have ever posted to you before, but I wanted to comment on one thing you said...You said your atty recommends YOU file in TExas..DO IT and do it now! I would follow your atty's advice on this one...Educate yourself quickly for both states!

TM,

I'm not sure I've posted to you before, but wanted to comment on a couple things.

On your wife and her appearing to walk away from Christianity--my XH has done the same thing. Granted, he was never a shining example and I always wondered where his heart really was. But I think it's because they DO know right from wrong and they can't take the guilt that it causes, so they turn their back on their beliefs to escape the pain and the guilt.

I try and hold onto this belief because as hurt as I am after all this, I still don't like to think of my XH turning his back on God. I still want to believe there's hope for him.

I will also say that while I don't understand why God allows certain things to happen they way they do, I know that without my faith that God was going to use this situation to grow me somehow (and if I look back, I realize I am a LOT stronger than I thought I was), I would have gone nuts myself! I feel so sorry for those WS's who don't have the Lord to lean on.

Also, as for your "scorched earth" idea...many, many ideas have crossed my mind over the last year! But I have tried very hard not to sink to the level of my XH and the OW and some of the stunts they've pulled (haven't always been successful, but I haven't done any major destruction yet). Revenge is sweet at the time, but I have found that not acting on my ideas, but instead taking the high road leaves me feeling a LOT better about myself overall than doing something that will probably just make me look stupid.

LL

TM:

Sorry for this having happened to you. However please realize that YOU WILL SURVIVE. I remember having read that you had dreams of becoming a physician, is that right? or do I have you confused with someone else? I hope you go back to school and chase your dreams. DO NOT let anyone ever tell you that you can not do something. If your dream is to become a doctor (or whatever), fight with everything you have to achieve your goals. You can do it. Good luck in this next phase of your life. Believe you me, as bad as you feel now, and as hopeless as you think things are, IT GETS BETTER. Once you remove yourself from the dysfunction you realize how good life can be. I did everything THAT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ME to save my marriage. I have no regrets, I hope you feel the same. Life on the "other" side is much better than you could ever imagine. There is still a life to be lived, and you will live it.


Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> Once you remove yourself from the dysfunction you realize how good life can be. I did everything THAT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ME to save my marriage. I have no regrets, I hope you feel the same. Life on the "other" side is much better than you could ever imagine. There is still a life to be lived, and you will live it.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen! There will come a day when you don't look over your shoulder expecting criticism for some little thing you did,. Or maybe one day you won't feel guilty because you didn't feel like eating dinner at a particular time. Fill in the scenario of your choice! Good luck to you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> Once you remove yourself from the dysfunction you realize how good life can be. I did everything THAT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ME to save my marriage. I have no regrets, I hope you feel the same. Life on the "other" side is much better than you could ever imagine. There is still a life to be lived, and you will live it.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen! I agree with LM.

There will come a day when you don't look over your shoulder expecting criticism for some little thing you did,. Or maybe one day you won't feel guilty because you didn't feel like eating dinner at a particular time. Fill in the scenario of your choice! Good luck to you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> Once you remove yourself from the dysfunction you realize how good life can be. I did everything THAT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ME to save my marriage. I have no regrets, I hope you feel the same. Life on the "other" side is much better than you could ever imagine. There is still a life to be lived, and you will live it.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen! I agree with LM.

There will come a day when you don't look over your shoulder expecting criticism for some little thing you did,. Or maybe one day you won't feel guilty because you didn't feel like eating dinner at a particular time. Fill in the scenario of your choice! Good luck to you!

Thanks to all that have posted to me.

My WW came over this afternoon to pick a few more items up, and we had a nice talk (no LB's). She admitted to me that she had actually already filed the D paperwork with the courthouse! So I will be served soon, I guess. The odd thing is that she told me oncce the person at the courthouse stamped it "filed" she broke down an wept. She also cried on my shoulder for a good 5 minutes or more as we held each other. Can you say "mixed signals"?

She wouldn't answer me straight when I asked her if she filed at the request of her OM....which means he has probably pressured her to do it, because his marriage, according to him, has been over for more than 4 years.

My wife still seems to think that we need the D, so that we could possibly start over with a new M in the future. I think this suggestion is absurd, to subject the two of us to all of the anger and hurt in order to give us a clean slate. I also question the likeliness of remarriage. I know it does happen, but how often?

Lemonman - yes, I was on track to go to medical school years ago. I know I would be a great surgeon, although I am worried about how old I will be once I am able to start practicing. I guess better late than never!

TM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TravellinMan:
<strong>
Lemonman - yes, I was on track to go to medical school years ago. I know I would be a great surgeon, although I am worried about how old I will be once I am able to start practicing. I guess better late than never!

TM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, surgery residency is tough at any age, but if it is what you were meant to do, you can and WILL do it. You may never stop saying "what if" if you don't try and do this. I had a classmate (and good friend still) who was 48 when she started medical school (divorced mother of 2) and she is now an attending pediatrician at a well known medical school. She worked harder than anyone I know (while still working to support high school children) and it was people like her who always made me work harder and appreciate my situation and STOP feeling sorry for myself when things were tough. As bad as you think you may have it, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WORSE OFF.

You are still young. You should aim to be in medical school within the next 3 years and then take it from there. You may find you don't even like Surgery....and opt for a shorter and less demanding specialty. Many people in medicine "*****" about malpractice, and declining reimbursements, etc...but IMO there is no more rewarding and satisfying job than being a doctor. I hope you get the privlidge to do this someday. I am rooting for you. It has been my experience in teaching medical students and residents that non-traditional (read: older) students work harder and have a better appreciation of what it takes to be a good physician. I have no doubt that your struggles of today will not be for nought. You will be stronger for this someday.

Cheers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

Hi TM,

Well I'm sorry to see that things have progressed the way that they have. A D definately sucks, but I KNOW you will be a better man in the future. I have to believe this not only for you but for every other BH out there.

Go after those dreams buddy! Make it big! Be all you can be (in the Marines!! j/k) I know I changed that last sentence on purpose.

Native

LM -

Thanks for the encouragement...

I have always dreamed of being a surgeon...a GP just wouldn't cut it for me...I would want to be in the OR daily....I had the great opportunity to be an intern at my high school (yes, years and years ago), where we spent two days a week rotating through all parts of the hospital - Cath Lab, OR, ER/ED, and even billing....I know my interest lies in surgery - maybe a General Surgeon....I wouldn't do it for the money, but because I have to have a lifestyle that allows a change of scenery - I would hate to be in the same cubicle day after day. The thought of doing something different every day appeals to me - I love a good challenge...

TM

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lemonman - yes, I was on track to go to medical school years ago. I know I would be a great surgeon, although I am worried about how old I will be once I am able to start practicing. I guess better late than never!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I work in one of the top 100 hospitals in the US. They are ACTIVELY recruiting doctors - with huge move-in bonuses. If I were you, I'd continue in that field. And then move here, and use me as your reference, 'cause then I'd get a huge bonus for the referral...hee hee

David

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

I am so glad to read this MB traffic...because I want to be a physician as well. However, I have to wait 7.5 years before I can even start because I am in the military. At age 38 now, I am fearful I wouldn't be able to pursue that dream, either. So thank you for that word of encouragement.

TravellingMan,
I am so sorry that your W decided to take such a drastic turn. She will realize one day (when it is waaayyy too late) that she missed out on the 'best man she ever knew'. But I will say, if she really wants out, let her go. In my case, I don't know where I stand...since my H doesn't want a D nor wants to live with me either. So I am just sitting and waiting... At least you have an out, and you can take it. Just pick up your life and be that MD. I am rooting for you, too. I know you can do it.

God Bless and be strong,
Nomoregames

Thanks for all for the encouragement, I wish I could share your optimism.

I thought I was over the "wake up and get punched in the stomach" process, but it has returned. I am considering re-starting Zoloft so I can get through the next two months of moving and starting over. I thought the D process would give me peace, but I all I feel right now is more pain. I still think this is some kind of bad dream. My WW was supposed to be my one true love, my soulmate. She was the person I lost my virginity to, my bridge over troubled water - during a very chaotic time period in my life, and most of all, my best friend. How can I keep getting abandoned by those closest to me in life?

TM