Dear KMEJ.
I hope you can get through this without taking anti-anxiety medicine or other drugs.

It just takes time, lots of time , and time alone will heal your breaking heart, if you just let it do it's job.

I have 2 little suggestions for you.

1. Try to stop eating junk food; foods that are high fat, high sugar and low nutrition...Switch to healthy fruits, whole grains, etc. (Allow yourself a little DARK CHOCOLATE each day!~lol~)

2. We all know we can CONTROL our emotions. Have you ever answered the phone during an intense time at home and pretended everything was fine? "Oh Hi Susie, so good to hear from you....bla bla bla bla"

Here is something I have done often, during stressful times in my life...Imagine someone (a friend or relative) is there in your home with you, hearing you and watching you with your children.
You would not want a friend (or even a stranger) to witness any unkindness. True?

Good Luck Honey...You can rise above this and be the kind of mommy you want to be.
P.S. And take Orchid's suggestions on relaxing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 07:50 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Well it is now morning- I made it through the night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I was finally able to fall asleep once my natural high from being on the tred mill wore off and sheer exhaustion kicked in- a little after midnight. H got home and woke me up a little after 2 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and was finally able to fall back to sleep around 3:30- back up at 6. That is probably part of my problem- lack of sleep- consecutive sleep.

Today will HOPEFULLY be better- it is H's day off. However I doubt he will be of much help because he always has the same friend over every Thursday- they play cards until it is time to leave for Bowling and let the kids wreak havic- however just his presence takes the kids down a notch or two.

My Doctor is out of the office today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> so I left a message to hopefully get in to see him tomorrow (clinic was not open when I called).

As for my mom- she lives an hour away and uses her freetime with my sisters twins. My dad is busy with a new promotion. My H's family watch them so I can work my 2nd job- so I hate to ask them for any other day. I have a feeling I would be okay if on H's 2 days off a week he stayed home and helped out instead of sitting on the computer and ignoreing us or going out with friends. I told him I did not sign up to be a single parent in a marriage- if all he wanted to be was a paycheck then we might as well move on. He said "here we go again"- then complained because he is out of clean work clothes.

Add another scoop! Thank God for this place!

Thanks for the suggestions. I keep telling myself to stop eating the junk food but what is the first thing I reach for? Some Grahamsticks- or popcorn, or Ice cream- YUCK! It does not helo that i hate taking all 3 boys to the grocery store alone so we have not been in almost a month (except to get milk, bread, eggs etc) and Mother Hubbord Cubord has run quite low on the healthy stuff. Actually all the is currently in the fridge is milk, eggs, oranges, butter, and carrots <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I think I will have to drag the boys there tonight- actually they like going- they run everywhere and do not listen and I almost always leave with a headache. Maybe since my H does not have to leave until 6 tonight he will let me go to the grocery store by myself. I will have to ask- that would be great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyone have suggestions for healthy relaxing foods? Or quick healthy snacks and dinners?

Hi KMEJ, for a man who has already put you through the hell of A, he is doing NOTHING to help you with your recovery. If he is deleting stuff off his cellphone, he IS hiding something. That's bad enough. The late nights have been going on for ages too. But the thing I cannot reconcile with is that he wakes you when he comes in. That is the most selfish, mean behaviour. You work so bloody hard and can't even get a proper sleep. No wonder you are screaming at the kids and irritable. You are basically sleep-deprived. In my mind, this should be addressed before you think about drugs. Does he think you enjoy being woken up? What is wrong with him. 4 yr olds wake up their mums because they don't know any better but he is a grown man. AAAAAAGGGGH.

He claims he wakes me to spend time with me. That there is not other time. When in reality there is- he just choses to put someone or something in that time slot instead of me. If I complain then he says he knew I did not love him. Half the time when he wakes me up all he wants is SF anyway- and does not wake me first- I wake up during... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Then I have a real hard time falling back to sleep because I feel like a piece of meat and am so saddened by the fact that there was no emotion involved at all, no touching, no closeness- just a physical release for him. If I wake up and ask him to stop he either persists until I give in or gets mad at me. It is easier to just give in right away because then I can be back to sleep sooner. It is not always the case but again half the time. I think he honestly feels he is trying- I do not think he sees anything he does as wrong. He is living for himself and anything I say to him I am whineing or nagging- that I never will change.

Today I am doing okay- I have to go back to working on me, and my happiness from within. I am working on not getting my happiness from my H- and I am taking steps but it is difficult at best.

Can you come to some kind of arrangement that you get to sleep on certain nights of the week? Would he stick to it? TT

KMEJ,

Do you realize that the scenario you describe is marital rape?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Yet you are so blase about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think you need to cope less well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Could some of your recent irritation have to do with the approaching date of determination? [March, wasn't it?] <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Noodle

{{{{{KMEJ}}}}} Honey I want to literally cry because of what you are writing on this thread. I haven't posted to you for a while but am so saddened to hear that the same SH** is going on. You are being severely emotionally abused. I also had the same thought as Noodle about sex with your H seems more like rape to me. It sounds like your H is having an A, but even if he isn't he is disrespecting you beyond belief.

KMEJ, only you can get off of this treadmill you are on. I know it is so hard. You are young, with 3 children. But let's face it, you are getting no support from your H. As a result you have to deal with all of the extra emotions that come from living with this man that is treating you so poorly.

Concerning ADs, when I talked to my doc about getting on one when I was a disaster after d-day she told me, "If an AD will help take the edge off and help you cope with your crisis, then it is a good thing." I got on Lexapro and had a different experience than Weaver had. I also didn't have terrible withdrawal when I got off of it either. I was amazed at how quickly the Lexapro kicked in. Within a few days I felt better. Some ADs can take 4 to 6 weeks to kick in. It didn't take away my sex drive, but did eventually affect some of my enjoyment of sex. If H and I ever do split I've already decided I'll go for Prozac or Paxil and just kill my sex drive for a while. Bottom line is everyone is different and so an AD that works for me not work for you.

You need to get help for yourself. Is this life you're living good for you? Are your children better off with you and your H together given the circumstances you are in? What will cause your H to wake up, if that is even possible? Do you think he will change as things are, or will he just keep doing what he's doing? KMEJ, what do you need to do for you? You can't control your H. You can't control if he chooses to have another A. You can't control if he chooses to work hard to recover your M. The only person you can control is you. Just remember we are all here for you!

One little tip that might help you with the 2 and 4 year old. It sounds pretty simplistic, but when my boys were little many years ago I tried this and it was like magic. When your kids are misbehaving have a timeout spot. Sitting on the stairs was our spot. I would set an egg timer for the amount of minutes that corresponded to their ages. So your 2 yr. old would get a 2 minute time out. There was something about the timer that would cause my boys to listen. It wasn't me making them timeout, it was the timer. They were like little robots. They would immediately go to the steps and wait for the darn thing to beep. I remember using my watch timer when they would get into a fight on the playground. It worked the same. Give it a try.

Good luck hon! CV

KMEJ, I feel for you. I'm not having the best day myself but you almost make me glad my WH decided to get an apartment. Try not to take so much upon yourself. Give to yourself. Make a few boundaries. Work on the reverse babble.

Your husband sounds like a selfish, immature beast. I suppose you're doing Plan A but you need to protect yourself.

Moms, me and everybody else in the world, will have a short temper when they don't get a good nights sleep. (I'm feeling that way myself today.) You are not a bad mother. You are a mother in a stressful situation. And you've been sick. Do not downplay how much that has affected you!

So much is expected of you, clean clothes, clean house, kids that behave, 2 jobs and money in the bank. But whose expectations are they? Start subtracting things that don't matter as much. Even if you had a happy marriage, the fact you have been ill and you work 2 jobs should be more than enough reason for your family to pitch in more. Teach your kids to do the laundry. They can learn really young. Lower your standards on your house. I know it's hard but if they don't help, it's not all your fault. My kids haven't cleaned their rooms in ages. Sure, I'd like them clean but I close the door and step over stuff. I don't stress about it. My kitchen is never perfectly clean but we eat a healthy, homemade meal almost every night. It makes a big difference when you're not eating crap.

Pamper yourself! It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Buy yourself one flower if you can't afford a bouquet. The bubble bath, the lavender oil, all good suggestions. Get your kids together and give each other foot massages. Watch the movie you want. Spring will come, even to the frozen north. Order a couple seed catalogs online and look at the flowers. Declare National KMEJ Day and ask for a little homage from your family. Build some "me" time in. Make a defined time like 6:15-6:30 every night and tell the kids that during that time you will be meditating or praying or reading your aura or communing with nature and you MUST not be disturbed. Go in your room,lock the door and don't open it until 6:30. Give it a weird name and kids will respect it more. Just be firm about it.

You said you took a bunch of kids to the park the other day. Try to find somebody to exchange childcare with. It's not always easy to have extra kids but usually kids play well together and the time off is bliss.

Good luck. Being a mom is hard.

Time to myself sounds like heaven. I try to take time for myself once my kids are in bed- however lately they are not staying in bed. I have tried the timer thing, and it works for my oldest, but nothing seems to work for my younger ones. I will have to try it again as I am going crazy, and I feel so guilty yelling at them so much, that I spend what little time I have to myself feeling horrible for the way I behavied and vow not to do it again only to find myself right back in that boat.

So lavender is good huh? I will have to try that. I do not sit down and watch movies often as I feel that there is so much to be done that I do not have that privledge. I should take it- or subsitute a movie instead of this place.

Talked to H a few minutes ago and he is in quite the mood <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . Not looking forward to going home today- however his friend should be there by then and therefore his mood will be fine by then. Not sure what his problem is all he said is "KMEJ what do you WANT??"- I called to remind H that DS4 has school today and that they have a dentist appointment tomorrow that he is taking them too and to ask if he wanted me to get him directions. I guess if he wants to snap at me he can do it himself.

Ditto for weaver's comment on you needing a break. Your not a bad parent, just a parent who needs a break from parenting to pull herself back together.

Obviously your H is incapable of helping you out in these regards but is there anyone else?

I think some time to yourself and plenty of rest would do you wonders if you can somehow make it happen.

Hang in there!

Miker

At the moment I am doing better. I am at work listening to my headphones and getting a lot done. I do well most days until I go home and get overwelmed by the responsiblity there. Not just the kids, but wondering what mood H will be in, the fact that the house is almost always in disarray, and some very excited children always ready to greet me with a huge smile and a loud MOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (that is my favorite!!). I am not sure what puts me on overload. I am truely blessed with my wonderful children. I do not deserve them, but sure am glad that I have them!

can some one please give me a crash course on Reverse babble?

He claims he wakes me to spend time with me. That there is not other time. When in reality there is- he just choses to put someone or something in that time slot instead of me. If I complain then he says he knew I did not love him. Half the time when he wakes me up all he wants is SF anyway- and does not wake me first- I wake up during... Then I have a real hard time falling back to sleep because I feel like a piece of meat and am so saddened by the fact that there was no emotion involved at all, no touching, no closeness- just a physical release for him. If I wake up and ask him to stop he either persists until I give in or gets mad at me. It is easier to just give in right away because then I can be back to sleep sooner. It is not always the case but again half the time. I think he honestly feels he is trying- I do not think he sees anything he does as wrong. He is living for himself and anything I say to him I am whineing or nagging- that I never will change.

KMEJ,
We had a family reunion when our youngest was about 4 months old, two months before the first kiss in his affair. My parents wanted me to go on ADs because they thought I was suffering from post-partum depression. I knew that I wasn't. I think I may have had PPD after the second child, but the problem wasn't the chemicals in my body. It was how my husband was treating me.

You have lost ALL personal dignity. I am telling you as a person who also lost ALL personal dignity. ADs will help you to cope with your loss, but they will also help you to continue to endure treatment that no slave should endure. I remember my mother telling me, after the affair and abuse came out, "This isn't Pakistan."

You have options other than to stay in WHAT ISN'T A MARRIAGE. Get him the h...ll out of there before you do lose your health. The mono is a warning. You could end up with chronic fatigue syndrome.

HE NEEDS TO CHANGE. You cannot change him. You can let him know that his behavior and treatment of you is totally unacceptable by going to Plan B.

Let's just consider what you would do if, say, he broke your arm. If you have no plan, you may do what I did, which was lie to the emergency room, lie to the surgeon, stay away from my family, and lie to friends that the broken arm came from imbalance after the major surgery I had had two weeks prior.

Consider what you would do if he broke the arm of a child. Somewhere between 40 and 70 percent of abusive men abuse their children.

Put in place a plan for getting him out of there. The biggest question, I would guess, is who will take care of the children while you are at work.

Cherished

Thank you for taking the time to post to me.

You are right that who will watch my kids is a big concern of mine, as well as where to live and how I will have enough money to buy food and pay rent. I do not make much money- most of it comes in from H.

I am not sure if H is reading here, yesterday I had a splitting headache and was rather crabby. I got home from work and found H and his friend bowling in the livingroom with their lunch dishes still out and the grocery list I requested not done- I blew up on him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He did not blow up back- which is good, he just asked if I had a hard day and to calm down (no kids were around only one home and he was sleeping). So H just stayed home and let me go to the grocery store all by myself and did not make me feel badly for my outburst, I am grateful for that as last night could have been much worse had he fought back.

Last night I went to bed with a even bigger headache and when H got home from his night out with the "boys" and his friends left he came upstairs and just held me, and asked if my head was any better (this is now late- not sure what time). It was nice to be held as I slept.

I am not a fool. I am also not very independent. I have only been alone the months H and I were seperated. I went straight from my parents house to living with H and having a baby. Even in those months H made sure we were okay and had food. At the time he claimed he hated me and I was a mistake, but he made sure that the kids and I had food and a roof.

I can not seem to make a decision and stick with it. I think it is the fear of the unknown. The fact that I love the man he use to be and the man he could be, just not the man he is now.

Hi KMEJ:

Kids can be so stressful. Everyone will snap from time to time. I like the idea of giving yourself a timeout. I do that too. When I feel that I’m about to blow I walk away, at least I try to. I don’t always make it though so I feel guilty when I yell.

You have to find some ways to reduce your stress. I would let the housework go a bit, well actually I’d let it go a lot. You work two jobs, you have 3 kids and are married to another child with a sadistic bent. Speaking of your dear husband . . . man I can't believe how he treats you. If you love someone, if you care for them, if you respect them you don't wake them up at 2 am when that person has to get out of bed at 6:00 am. Further you don't just get on top and start having intercourse with them. WTF is up with that?

I don't know what to say, it disgusts me and makes me feel cheapened to be a man. I understand the urges men feel, I have a high need for sex too, but if my wife isn't into it it just sucks for me. I can't imagine doing to her what your husband does to you. If he wants sex, get his rear home at a decent hour. You really need to stop this behaviour . . . you are not his whore, you are his wife.

You need sleep. You need to find a way to get it. If you have to sleep in your kid's room then do it. I doubt that even your husband will try to force sex with you while you sleep in the kid's bed. Once you get a week’s worth of good sleep, you will be able to think much clearer.

I just feel yuck reading this crap.

edited to add...

I just read you latest post. I'm glad he just held you. Maybe it is a start? I still think that he should just let you sleep.

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

The thing is with the SF that I can not understand is that I have a high S*x drive as well. I am more then willing, and am usually the one that initiates it, only to be turned down. I do not understand why it is H is not interested during the day/evening hours unless it is OS- for him, nothing for me. He is not into kissing or anything that will bring us closer together, gets annoyed with hugs and tries to sneak out with out giving them.
If SF does happen that he initiates-other then the night; it is almost always right away in the morning (in weekends before he leaves for work- quick) or in the middle of the night. We next to never "make love". Granted I am not blameing this all on H, we work opposite shifts and only have an hour together most days between the time the other leaves. H does not get off until after midnight most nights and weekends he works 10-9 so he is working with the time that he has. However on his days off I feel I should be a priority not his friends. I do not think he should view washing my back in the shower a chore- he should like to shower with me (or am I wrong here- guys please chime in and let me know what it is you do and do not like- maybe I am expecting too much). I try to dress nice for him- look nice for him, and ask to spend the time he makes for me with him. I try not to complain that I get no alone time with him or with my friends and try not to complain to loudly when he spends money (a lot) on things I find stupid.

I am far from a perfect wife, I get crabby, I pout and nag, and I am sure he feels there is more that I could do that I am slacking on. However I am also human and feeling more like a maid then a wife.

KMEJ,

O.K. I understand the situation a little better. You two work different shifts, thus you don't have a chance to spend much time together during the week. I understand that this is your reality, but I see it as a big factor in your disconnect. However, he does have time off on the weekends and chooses to spend that time outside the home. I wonder why? I like to get out from time to time too. It is fun to let loose and hang with the guys. Maybe you two could come to some agreement about how often this should occur? I would also bargain for time for you to go out with the girls. You need some you time too.

I can't speak for all men, but I like to shower with my wife. I like to wash her and to have her was me. It is pretty erotic to me anyway . . . the soap and the steam the naked bodies and . . . where was I?

One of the things that I find so foreign here on MB is the number of women that have men that turn them down for sex. I really thought it was only the men that would be turned down. Frankly, I don't get it; there are few things in life I would rather do then to get busy with the wife. If I'm sick or really angry, if I’ve had a terrible day or had too much wine . . . those are the only times I've said no to my wife. I like the closeness I feel when we are intimate.

Some people are selfish when it comes to sex, they want their own needs taken care of and then they are done. Some people are just lousy lovers. Maybe some just don’t have the knowledge on how to please another person . . . maybe some just don’t care. The way your husband is treating OS is selfish. I would make a deal with him. He can request OS and you will be receptive, but he will have to give you OS first. You have and O he has and O and all is right with the world. It could be a fun game if you two make it so.

I'm sorry that you two don't make love. An occasional quickie can add spice, but the long slow sessions, the caressing and the kissing, those are the things that I remember. I guess I'm weird for a guy. I’ve had a lot of sex before I was married; I didn’t have a lot of making love sessions, maybe that is part of it. Sex is just sex to me, a physical act with a physical release, without the emotional component. I need to have her look in my eyes, to watch her smile, to feel her hands on me, to hear her breathing become more rapid, to listen to her lie when she tells me what I great lover I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I guess that is just how I connect with her. You can have sex with anyone, even all by yourself. It is much rarer to be able to make love to someone and feel completely at ease and in the moment. That is what I strive for.

Thank you for shareing.
Yes working opposites is hard in general. H is up for a promotion so instead of working three 4-12 ****s and one 10-9 and one 7-5 shift a week he will be more 7-5's and 10-9's which will help hopefully. I work M-F 7:30-2:30 and the Friday night 4-11 and Saturday 10-5. We are busy.

I spend my day off catching up on house work and playing with my kids and helping with homework. H has every Thursday off and he has the same friend over all day, they goof off all day and then go out bowling from 6-10, then come back and stay up late playing cards or nintendo or something like that. If H has another day off he may spend it with me but usually not.

I do not feel important to him most days. I agree with you that S*x is just a physical thing, Making love is a coming together. I need that connection. I need to feel loved. I need to feel desired. I am a very affectionate person, always looking for a hug or a kiss, or when riding in the car with H I am always trying to get him to hold my hand. H on the other hand since the affair (before he was all for it) he hates hugs and kissing and hand holding- any form of affection he seems to flinch at or if I try to hug him he freeks out at me and makes me want to cry.

I do not think that H is in a PA- maybe a EA- and I think he is pulling away from me from guilt- either that or he just does not love me and can not find a way out- or does not want a way out as he has the best of both worlds. He has a built in babysitter, can come and go as he pleases, get SF when ever he wants it and has someone to do all the shopping and laundry- who would want anything more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry that you two don't make love. An occasional quickie can add spice, but the long slow sessions, the caressing and the kissing, those are the things that I remember. I guess I'm weird for a guy. I’ve had a lot of sex before I was married; I didn’t have a lot of making love sessions, maybe that is part of it. Sex is just sex to me, a physical act with a physical release, without the emotional component. I need to have her look in my eyes, to watch her smile, to feel her hands on me, to hear her breathing become more rapid, to listen to her lie when she tells me what I great lover I am I guess that is just how I connect with her. You can have sex with anyone, even all by yourself. It is much rarer to be able to make love to someone and feel completely at ease and in the moment. That is what I strive for

Exactly- you described it to a T! I could not have written it better myself. That is what I am dying inside for. We use to have it, and have not in so very very long- going on like 2 years! Sad yes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> however no matter what I try, it does not work. It can not come from me. I have thrown myself at my H in every way I can think of, and he seems uninterested. Maybe he finds me unattractive- strong possibility. However he will regret what he lost one day. Maybe one day soon. A person can only stay down so long.