KMEJ,

It means that while the situation has remained consistent, YOU are taking things less well.

Just as you should.

This desire to be numb..you know, is really a desire to hide from the truth.

The next affair I would look out for, is yours.

Facing the truth is not optional, what could possibly frighten you more than your life, today, right now?

Noodle

I think it is more control. He is back to not likeing any of my friends and demanding that I quit the job I like stateing his reason is because I act like a teenager . I do not see how that is- because I come home from in a good mood and he does not like it. Perhaps because I like going to work? Is it because I have a few friends that call me from there. He likes my other job- no fun, few afterwork friends, and I do not enjoy going. I rather think he enjoys me miserable. Could be my imagination however that is what is projected.

Why do I stay. Not sure. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection, fear of something..... Perhaps wishful thinking... I am really not sure. Maybe I cling to the good times and am not ready to give up. Or maybe it is the lack of self esteem.

Noodle- I fear you may be right. I think that is part of the problem. I am terrified of that. Would not to inflict that pain on my H. That is what I remember to keep myself in line.

KMEJ,

Orchid, Cherished, and noodle are absolutely right. Nothing has changed in your situation. Your H acts the same. You respond the same. The only thing that is continuing to progress is your depression and your lack of self value.

You are precicely at the point I was before I had my A. I did not go looking for an A. But a coworker began supporting me in my work abilities. That slowly progressed into supporting me in my marital issues. Before I knew it, I had fallen for this man. He provided a distraction from the condition of my M, as well as filling my EN's. By that point, not only was the idea of going back to my M as status quo too painful.....but so was the idea of leaving OM - who I thought was allowing me to 'cope.'

You need to take action now. For yourself. For your children. Turning to meds at this point will only numb the misery you are feeling. As soon as you go off them, the pain will still be there. You are going to have to move through the pain - not avoid it.

KMEJ - be strong. Get yourself a plan. I'm not certain you will last until March. I am seriously worried for you. Show me that you are strong - prove to me that I don't need to worry...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>

KMEJ,

You are disappearing into a denial and rationalization based fog.

Once you transition into that place..there is no telling what you will or will not do.

You are hiding..but you are hiding in the dark where the monsters live.

Why do you refuse to come into the light?

Noodle

Face your fears.

DO NOT try to avoid your fears.

Fight for what you want.

Have you told your parents about the physical abuse and infidelity?

Quick before LIT and I join hands and sing "We are the Champions"

Yes my parents now of the affair- they saw it coming before I really did, They know about the abuse- or the past abuse. Nothing really current. I hideing it from almost everyone. I keep praying things will improve.

I can not show you strength when I have none. I really am low today. Can not get myself to do anything around the house. All I do is cry. I feel I need to go numb right now because it is better then the other options that have been going through my head. I am hopeing that when I am numb to what H does then maybe I can get the strength to move past it and improve my life. Or at least not hurt so badly on the inside.

KMEJ,
Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Let them know of current abuse. Get a RO. You might want to contact the Tubman Family Alliance in Minneapolis, nationally known for helping people in abusive relationships.
Cherished

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Telling family and friends would just make me look like an idiot. Most everyone views him as a prince- includeing me sometimes. We were at his parents house last night and he played the perfect father perfect husband role to a T. I was almost even taken back in. See that is my problem- I want it to be good, so I cling to the good, too easily forgetting the bad. He knows just what he has to do, how to play things. He knows just how far he can let things go and just when to change his behavior back to keep me. I am not trying to make excuses- this is just my frustration.

I came to work this morning and talked to a good friend of mine that knows of everything that has happened in the past few years. It helped. I am going to go to the clinic today and hopefully get a referral for a good IC. I really need to help myself before I lose myself. The hard part will be making the appointments (finding babysitters I mean)...

As a little update, I am feeling not quite as low as the last few days which is a relief.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 08:16 AM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

KMEJ ... The picture you paint here is a classic case of abuse, right down to the part where he starts to act like he cares, and how he acts in front of others, looking like a great H and father. That is what abusers do - they treat their W or GF like crap, then show a moment of caring just to keep them in their clutches.

My abusive BF also demanded OS from me. He also acted like a prince when it suited his purpose. He threatened to call my friends and family if we broke up and tell them that I was a bad person. My self-esteem was in the toilet, and I also felt that asking for help would have made me look like "an idiot."

But when I finally got the courage to dump him, everyone was suportive. My friends, my family, everyone. They were all reluctant to pry because they felt it wasn't their business, but they were happy to see him go.

And he DID call at least a couple people after we broke up - my parents and my sister. He expressed this grave concern that there must be something psychologically wrong with me because I broke up with him. My sister (gotta love that woman) told him to take a hike, saying something like: "We thought there was something wrong with her when she was with you. Now that you're out of the picture, she seems much better."

I know it's scary, but you've got to get yourself and your kids out of that sitch. Please take care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Quick before LIT and I join hands and sing "We are the Champions"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Grab hands, noodle! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KMEJ,

Imagine yourself in a ideal life with your children. You are emotionally secure with yourself and you are at peace everyday. You are happy and content, and your children are thriving. You have created a life of your own making. No one is controlling it but you. You do not live in reaction to anyone's moods. You live by your own rules and values. You are not afraid ever. Everyday you wake up with a smile. This is the new KMEJ.


---- What advice would she give to you right now? What would she say to you?


I know this is a marriage building site, however, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.


You and your children deserve to live in peace.

This is coming from someone who has walked in your shoes.

Hon, the "prison" is an illusion of your own mind.........the "prison" is the destruction of your self worth by an abusive individual.

Everyday he finds a way to let you know his feelings. As long as you stay, you are agreeing with him - you aren't valuable.

You are....and so are your kids.

Rachel

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want it to be good, so I cling to the good, too easily forgetting the bad. He knows just what he has to do, how to play things. He knows just how far he can let things go and just when to change his behavior back to keep me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ - reread this 10,000 times. Are you happy like this? What are YOU going to do about it?

Do you realize you are both being manipulative? He controls, manipulates, and abuses you. That is clear.

However, you spend a lot of time trying to get him to become the person you want him to be. That is also manipulative, KMEJ. Granted, you probably have more altruistic intentions, and reasons for wanting that type of man........but it is manipulative, none-the-less.

You have GOT to change your own behavior patterns. If you won't change, why should he?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not trying to make excuses- this is just my frustration.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sweetie....that is an excuse right there.

See if the lyrics to this song touch you at all:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Excuses by Alanis Morissette

Why no one will help me I'm too dumb I'm too smart
They'll not understand me I'm lonely they'll hate me

There is not enough time It's too hard to help me
God wants me to work no resting no lazy

These excuses how they've served me so well
They've kept me safe they've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell

I'm too far from home it takes far too much energy
I cannot afford to, no one will ever see me

These excuses how they've served me so well
They've kept me safe they've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell
These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked they've kept me small
They've kept me safe inside my shell

Bringing these into the light shakes their foundation and clears my sight
Now my imagination is the only thing that limits the bar and its' rise to the heights

No one can have it all see I have to, they want me to
I can't let them down I will never be happy

These excuses how they've served me so well
They've kept me safe they've kept me stuck
They've kept me locked in my own cell
These excuses how they're so familiar
They've kept me blocked they've kept me small
They've kept me safe inside my shell

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

oops! double post!!!!

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>

Oh my! Tripple post....

Well, maybe reading it 3 times wouldn't have been a bad thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>

I do take my responsibilty for my part in this distruction of our relationship. However I did not realize I was minipulateing my Husband. That was completely unintentional, did/do not know I was/am doing that. I do not blame my husband for our relationship. that is part of my problem. I do not know if there is blame to be handed out. I think if anything we got married too young and never experienced "life" and that has come full circle to bite us in the butt.

I do not know.

Yes that song spoke volumes to me. I need to find myself a copy of that song now and hear it.

I do understand that what my H does is not okay. I also except the fact that I probably bring it on myself and I have no one to blame but myself. That may be why I tolerate it, because I deserve it, I bring it on. I am not saying it is how I will allow myself to live forever. Who knows, the way I have been feeling and thinking as of late I am not sure how much longer I can allow myself to not live.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That may be why I tolerate it, because I deserve it, I bring it on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ, you are breaking my heart. NO ONE deserves to be abused the way your H is abusing you. Yes, you might be letting it happen, but you are not bringing it on. You are not asking for it.

Please, please, please talk to your family, a friend, a neighbor, a co-worker, the local domestic abuse hotline, SOMEONE... and get yourself out of this situation. Does your work have an employee assistance program? There has got to be something you can do to get yourself out of this situation.

Just got back from Doctor's office. He put me on Lexapro and said I need to come back in a month...

Got home and H asked me if I want to go to Jamacia in May for our anniversary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />