He's been cold and distant, and we have been fighting for the past two months... his lack of affection, and unwillingness to talk about our M or our R makes me LB even more. My love bank is dry and empty, I am angry and alone.

He has pre-scheduled activities every weekend which he tells me only the day before... and of course, they do not include me... office xmas party, farewell dinners, photo shoot (he's a part time photographer now) or just being sick and unwell at home. We have been separated for 21 months now and as you can see, we are not doing very well rebuilding.

He definitely has more affection for the cat than for me. And at this point, I am wanting the D to get all heartache over and done with.

Me: BS, 37 Him: FWH, 36
Married 8 years.
DDay May 03
Separation May 03
Two OWs from his office, As are over
He doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't know what to do to make the marriage work again

Ruffled,

Ready for plan B or straight to D?

L.

I don't know, Orchid.

I am afraid of both.
I think it'll be Plan D, if I ever have to choose.

There are no more OWs in the picture.
I think it may be me... my love bank is so depleted, I constantly remind him how well he treated OWs and how little he loves me. I tell him he's witholding affection. And all that becomes a reminder of what a lousy H he is... he feels guilty all the time and yet does nothing and I continue to LB.

I feel unimportant-- I voiced out my needs and am yet ignored. I don't know what to do. I cry easily... that makes him even angrier. I don't know what to do. I want him to treat me well. Lovingly. But it is not happening.

We go out, he's there but he's not, you know what I mean? His mind is somewhere else... I feel he's with me out of obligation.

I don't think it's the As because the last one ended in '02, and he said he was glad it ended.

I am tired of thinking... please help me <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

morning ruffeled...
i am not the smartest person on here so i will not give alot of advice as i cant even help myself...
it is dificult and i definately feel your pain...
i went straight to D plan without any warning and it kills me but i think that it is easier than hanging on to a dead relationship...i have one thing for certain and that is we are done...

it hurts ....
21 months is a long time....

i said no advice cause all my advice comes from my butt ....i just wanted to tell you to hang in there ...i wish i could help you and everyone here but i am not good at fixing this kind of broken thing....

dan

How do you know when you are done?

I asked H why he says he still loves me. He couldn't give me an answer. If he still loves me then why can't he demonstrate his love? He's giving me some money, but that's not what I want... I want affection, physical touching, I want words of love, I want him to appreciate me physically and a whole lot more!

He wants admiration.
How can I admire someone who has nothing left for me? Who keeps to himself... who refuses to connect with me? Whom I do not trust... whom I can't reach?

Sounds like he is behaving selfishly because he can. Yuck. I think it is time for you to detach from him, and build a life of your own.

If you keep putting up with his behavior, you will soon run completely out of love for him. It happened to me.

You don't think it's me who keeps LB'ing?

It's kind of a catch 22 situation.
He doesn't show affection, I tell him I need affection, he cannot bring himself to do it, I LB. It doesn't seem to end. It has been this way for a long time during our marriage. Only then I did not know he was having As. So when I found out, I thought he couldn't show affection to me because of his involvment with OWs. But there isn't supposed to be an OW in the picture now.. or is there?

I have enough convincing thoughts to walk away. He hasn't been a responsible partner, and I don't want to be his mother. I don't trust him enough to step into the future with him. He is too sneaky and secretive. And yes, believer, he is very selfish. He also refuses to come to MB or read any of the books I have on affairs and rebuilding.

Yet I don't know why I don't have the strength.
Am I emotionally lazy?

It is him, not you. That is why you need to detach and be prepared to move on without him. Otherwise he will keep you in misery.

believer, why do you say it's him and not me?

I am guilty of LB'ing. No one can love a person who LBs... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Ruff...sorry to hear your story.

You need to stop contacting WH...plan B girl.

Why arent you in plan B...its been too long

I have been doing a lot of plan ME and its doing me great...i am way way way over WH...i no longer cry over him...no more care for him.

WH have not been giving me any affection or loving for months and i dont feel a thing...in fact i feel GOOD.

Try plan B aka ME Ruff...its about time...you need it

I am too emotionally spent to think.

Pow! Pow! Pow! (blowing away bad thoughts with my gun)

We have a three-day public holiday next week. My office closes on Tuesday afternoon, and I don't have to go back to work on Wed, Thurs, Fri and the Monday after!

Here are my plans for the holidays:

1) Take pictures with my two new cameras
2) Paint from selected verses in the bible (this needs full concentration and lots of planning!)
3) Watch dvds till my eyes are a blur
4) Read books I bought for work

If all above fails, I will eat cookies, surf cable tv and groom my cat till she's bald.

I am going to the hills with my girlfriend on Sat and Sun and we are going to hike in the forest and explore the tea plantation, have tea and homemade shortbread... and I am going to be happy. As long as H doesn't call me and I lose memory of his telephone number.

Bleeeh. I need willpower.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ruffled:
<strong> believer, why do you say it's him and not me?

I am guilty of LB'ing. No one can love a person who LBs... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then stop LB'ing him. You can bring up his apparent lack of affection and tell him how it makes you feel, there is nothing wrong with constructive conflict. You just have to try to keep some emotional distance when you engage in these discussions. Don’t name call and keep your discussion within the framework of your feeling: e.g. “I feel unloved when you don’t hug and kiss me . . .”

I will tell you from experience, no one wishes to be around someone who constantly criticizes them. It is draining and degrading. I dreaded coming home to the litany of my inadequacies. It is not fun living in that situation. The fact that your husband is scheduling so many activities away from home and without you reminds me of what I used to do. I didn’t do these things to be with someone else, I did them because being around my wife was so upsetting.

I know it is hard to act kind to someone when your needs are not being met. Someone needs to be the one that tries to steer this relationship back on the right course and away from a certain shipwreck. If you just can't be around him without lashing out, I would go to Plan B. It can’t be much fun for you to feel so despondent and unimportant either.

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 09:36 AM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

Oh zizzy! I don't even like shopping anymore. Too many OW lookalikes swarming everywhere.

What have you been doing in Plan Me?

Wow lucky you...i still have to go back on SAT

Those are good plans...keep it up.

Now all you have to do is...ignore WH calls and DONT call him. If WH calls...cut it short...tell him you are busy etc etc. Keep ignoring WH until it becomes a habit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ComfortNumb,

I do tell him that I would like to be complimented when I make effort to look good, that I need him to be affectionate, that I would like SF at least once a week, that I like him to pump petrol in my car because it's the chore I hate most. I have had a cold and have been coughing, and I tell him that I like to be taken care of when I am sick... he doesn't do anything about it, except the petrol bit.

If your wife's been complaining and is unhappy, why do you not hear her and undo that unhappiness in whichever way you can?

H says that he feels no matter what he does, I am not happy... but he doesn't do the stuff that fills my ENs most!

My plan ME? I coloured my hair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Now i look totally stunning...!!!

I am also planning a trip to KL on the 26th Feb...going without DD...WH has to babysit her...He doesnt know yet and if he knows he wont like it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Since i started ignoring him, WH has been coming around twice a week every Mon and Wed like clockwork...2 months ago...i was pulling out all my hair just trying to get him to dropby...

I also placed some boundaries like i dont want to see any new clothes or stuff when he comes over. He was furious at first but i was determine...either that or DONT come over...one week he sulked. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I still want my WH but i dont need him anymore.

I am doing fine without him and i dont even have to do a revenge affair to feel great!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You are doing great focusing on yourself Ruff...now all you have to do is ignore WH...you cannot help WH. Take a longgggg break from your WH to decided what is it you really want...D or not D...this is where i am now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will tell you from experience, no one wishes to be around someone who constantly criticizes them. It is draining and degrading. I dreaded coming home to the litany of my inadequacies. It is not fun living in that situation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CN, I do know what you mean.
That is probably why we don't live together anymore. But can I live in a loveless marriage pretending everything is ok as long as I don't have needs? That is what I have been doing for years before Dday. It doesn't work coz this wife needs loving.

Will he work in some affection if I don't LB? He seems to take forever. Me, I am the type who don't harbor ill feelings. I wake up in the morning, I look out the window, the sky is blue, I forgive all the bad stuff that happened the day before. Him, he carries it with him till another fight happens. Aaaaargh.

zizzy,

How did you lose your need for him?

How can you see H 2x a week and not feel bleeeh?

and zizzy, I am glad you didn't do the revenge affair.

that would've been undignified.

Ruffled, I see you have a 3-day holiday next week which means you must be in Asia, like me. I'm in HK, where are you?

I think 21 months is a long time to agonise over things. Maybe it's time to change course. TT