I posted a couple of letters in Just Found Out-got 2 replies, then nothing, for a Whole Week!! I'm so bummed! I need to talk to those of you who found out about old PAs (5 yrs ago for WH, but found the love letters last Thursday) and when confronted my WH, discovered 2 other EAs--one CyberStyle. He's extremely remorseful, taking all blame on himself, telling me to say/feel what I need to (after reading articles here, found out name-calling/angry outbursts not the way to go if want to rebuild marriage).
It just seems like no one here can relate to my situation! I'm so frustrated! Haven't found a counselor yet for me--WH has appt with MD on 15th--he thinks the root of his problem may be depression/need for approval (his family has history of mental illness/depression, so is a real probability)
I really need to talk with someone. Please talk to me. I need help. I'm a mess. Work has been so hard this week. My 3 kids are great, but they're still needy and I've had trouble 'acting normal' for them. (WH told them we were dealing with some things and that's why he's sleeping on the couch)

MP, welcome !


Sorry that you find a need to be here, but this is a good place to be to help rescue your marriage !

GQ2 is the busiest forum, always worth posting over here to get more traffic.

Also, weekends are pretty quiet with most MBers doing family stuff.

Wow. I foun dout about my Ws affair while it was still active, so I can't offer you much advice from my own experience. I CAN however relate to your pain, fear and feeling of hopelessness.

Your job is to get calm and strong and not make ANY life-effecting decision shile you ( and your H) are so messed up.

Your life WILL be better sooner than you are able to imagine right now.

I will post my own take in case any of the references help you. It is not about ME but about ANY BS who finds their world smashed. The advice I got was for EVERY BS who reads it.

Folloow some of the links and be calm, particularly WATs guide to new spouses.
I am busy with family stuff all day today, but I WILL check in and se how you;re doing, promise.

Don;t do anything stupid. There are wise lifers like RIF , orchid and Weaver around and they will surely check in and off you broader advice than me.

All blessings, your life WILL improve !


{{{{megpup}}}}

Welcome to MB, sorry you had to find your way here. Keep reading the concepts and such. Also you will get more responses in this section that in the just found out section. Remember that weekends are a bit slower too.

I would say that if he is remorseful it is a good sign. I have seen that those with remorseful WS's tend to be able to recover. This is all very hard to deal with. For your WH the A's were years ago, but for you they just happened. You just found out and he may be over them, but you now have to deal with all the pain as though they just happened. It will take time, you will have some up days and some down. As time goes on you will have more ups than downs, but hold on. You are now on the infidelity roller coaster, except this one 'aint fun like those at amusment parks.

I would get my hands on a copy of His Needs/Her Needs and read it. Also, have you fingured out why your WH strayed? Were there needs of his you weren't meeting? Maybe fill out the emotional needs questionaires on the site here and start there.

Good luck

MIF?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

* a note I've felt compelled to produce for a while. Hope it helps somebody *

Hi, I am Bob Pure

My story gets referred to quite a bit on these boards, not because I am special but that my story was TYPICAL. The untypical bit was that everything happened pretty fast and I managed a close adherence to MB advice thanks to the wonderful people on these boards and some grit I never knew I had. Oh and God's intervention of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

With so many posts and the search facility not being so brilliant I thought I'd gather important stuff together that may help new BS.

These links are not to show up MY posts but to READ the FANTASTIC advice I received in these threads and the outcome that was achieved. I hope they give you confidence that you are not alone, that your life WILL get better SOON, and that MB applied properly CAN help get your baby back.

God bless you in your efforts to recover your marriage.

Firstly an introduction, who the heck am I ?

So who is Bob Pure?

My dear wife of 18 years ,Squid, had an affair that I found out about on d-day July 22 2004. I wasn't in good shape then , maybe just like you now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> :

How did I feel on D-day ?

I was blessed by finding Marriagebuilders only three days after d-day. My early posts show my state of mind and heart. My dear Squid had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a snarling, spitting thing that made no sense, and hated me, our kids, friends, relatives...everyone but OM.

The fog was thick and I had no idea what to do: Look at my desperation and misery BUT ALSO at the WONDERFUL advice and care this stranger got from MBers ! You are NOT alone on MB ! There are Angels here !
And they were not talking only to me but to every desperate Betrayed Spouse that
ever reads this !

Note how generous in support are the FWS on this site. Do NOT be mean to them because infidelity hurt you. It hurt them too. You will NEED their insights. I learned from them how my Squid was feeling when she couldn't tell me herself. Their insight and support was central to our recovery.

See my early posts show hopelessness BUT see the uplifting advice from MBers, old and new alike !

First hopeless mess thread

I was soon pointed at a FANTASTIC resource on this board - WorthATry's Quickstart for new Betrayed Spouses. This thread has saved more than one life I am sure.

New BS READ THIS and digest it. THIS and prayer are all you need for a while.

WATs WONDERFUL guide to new betrayed spouses

It made me read every word on the site which made me buy "surviving an affair" by Willard Harley. I soon began to implement 'Plan A'.


Plan A advice from experts

Plan A is an exercise in hope and fear control as it is in stopping the affair. It has a massive secondary benefit of delivering self-control and self-determination to the BS too !

BS can get impatient with plan A, when really exposure is needed.

Experts stop my impatience with plan A

Here is a wonderful reasource again from friend WorthATry describing the process and benefits of exposing the affair to the OPs spouse and others.


WATs guide to affair exposure 101

Exposure was the most effective and satisfying tool against the affair that I used ! Melody Lane , Pepperband and WAT almost bullied me into doing this when I was weak and felt like exposing would drive my wife away from me into the arms of her lover.

Wierd affair dynamics with WS
You can expect nastiness from your WS BUT exposure is important for all parties affected. And tell me the thought of OP dodging crockery for a day or two doesn't make you smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WS and OP don't like exposure much...t;images/icons/smile.gif" />

Fog from WS after exposure....

Remember that you are not the only innocent hurt party in the affair Doesn't OPs spouse ( if there is one) deserve to know what they're married to ? In my case sending proof of PA to OM s GF was the catalyst that sent OM into therapy and their relationship on the road to recovery. NEVER feel that exposing is immoral JUST BECAUSE it feels good.

OM GF begs for proof of affair

SO...if starting plan A and exposing gets your baby back home with you (as I was blessed to find) you have work ahead of you, dear BS. You may be tempted and think " is it worth it?"

Is it all worth it? temptation of BS in Plan A


You think " I don't want this betrayer back"

Don't particularly want her back


You will wonder if your FWS will ever love you again...
Will she love me again? Am I second choice?

You may find you are tempted to settle for the easy way, and cease recovery as soon as your WS is back in your arms BUT DO NOT ! Strive for a GREAT marriage for both of you !
Do not give in too easily through loneliness

After a while, MB concepts like POJA and PORH become part of your vocabulary with your FWS
POJA even important stuff like contact with OMW

And you find yourself after WS withdrawal in recovery. In Plan A or plan B you had only one objective - stop the affair. Recovery is just as hard, but less easily targetted.

You may feel that although life is imporving your WS is not as contrite as you would hope for or expect, they may be affected by one of the many complex emotions suffered by FWS. You may not see it now,but affairs are hard on them too. There are no easy lives after an affair.


Get inside a FWS head

As a BS, you will find everything against your instinct that is successful. Amongst the hardest things I did was forgive my Squid. But I got back more than I could have dreamed.

Discussion on total forgiveness

And you may find yourself taking more blame than you deserve for the poor M which may have led to your WS affair.

Isit all my fault ?

If you have scanned through for some of these I hope you may have seen parallels with your own seemingly hopeless sitiation.

Well, I am here to tell you that you CAN get your baby back and be happier than ever. My Squid loves me again and is working on our marriage in a loving and mostly fun environment.

Take heart, new BS. Your heart CAN be mended. Follow the advice of the wise folks on this board.

Hi MP -

Welcome to Marriage Builders! I can relate to your situation.

I found out about one of my W's A's during our first year of M together... I suspected a second A during our third year of M together.

My W had several more A's during our first three years of M that I never had a clue about.

10 years later, she finally confessed to the other A's that occured during our first three years together.

For me, the pain of her confession 10 years later was just as strong and just as hurtful as the day I found out about her "first" A. So in my opinion, the time between the A and D-Day doesn't make that much difference. The pain is still just as bad... it hurts just as much. The only difference is that the offending spouse is just that much further "past" the A than the BS is.

My W and I just acted like her first A never happened... we thought we could "fix" ourselves on our own. Our M got better, but we never dealt with all of the issues until we started MC

It's good that your H is showing remorse. It's good that your H is taking all blame... I hope that he will be willing to go to MC with you.

For us, MC was a manditory condition in order for me to agree to rebuilding our M. I strongly suggest that you and your H find a good pro-marriage MC and start going.

Please let me know if there are any specific questions that I can help you with...

Semper Fi,
RIF

I think that you are in a good position being that the A has ended. I know it doesn't 'feel' like a good position, but many of us are dealing with an affair that is currently going on and our spouses refusal to stop the A.

It doesn't, however, make the pain of being betrayed any less. I know you're hurting, I know that you are confused. It's hard to understand....but just know that you are in a better position to save your marriage since the affair ended and your husband chose to stay with you.

You're going to have trouble trusting him, but I think the advice to get "His Needs/Her Needs" will help a lot. I don't know if the book "Surviving an Affair" would help at this juncture, but I'm sure it couldn't hurt.

I am very hopeful for you, I think that you and your husband can beat this, but you absolutely must get to the bottom of what cause the affair to begin with, so you can heal, and your marriage can heal.

I hope that this helps, and like was said in an earlier post, this is always a good place to post. I found that out very early.

Take care of yourself,

-Caren

Megpup,

It is just timing you will get responses. I don't know much of your story but you mentioned that your H had an affair a long time ago that you are just finding out about. That is not uncommon and there are more than few in your situation. There is an active thread in Recovery about this topic. Click on the bookmark here to see it. Fallingrain

I think you will find a few kindred spirits in that thread. So what is your situation and what do you need help with?

Must go, but keep posting you will get help. Fri and weekends are slow.

God Bless

JL

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Hey Megpup - Just checking in on you this weekend... How's it going?

Thank you for all your posts--i feel less alone now.ThankYou!!
My full story is under topic "Just Found Out"--I'll try to copy/paste it here, too, if that would help. Here it is:

My WH is a packrat and I've been doing the "FlyLady" method of getting house in order. Sorting thru all his boxes of *stuff* is an enormous task, but have been making good progress. 2 days ago I discovered (first) a letter from an old flame that I know was very important to him, dated a month after my brain tumor surgery 7 yrs ago. She referred to contact he had made with her and offered to meet him in another city/state. I was a mess reading this letter and stormed around the house (he wasn't home at all that eve. but my kids were) and wrote a furious 2 page letter to him, accusing him of cheating, at the very least emotionally, with her (I couldn't see how they would have been physically together at that time since she lives across the country). Then, the other very large shoe dropped. I found a benign looking manilla envelope, but it was filled with MANY letters from yet Another woman, dated 2 years later (5 yrs ago now), detailing their trysts. In person! VERY Physical! The letters were dated for 2 months, but when I confronted my WH, he said it lasted for A YEAR!! I was cut off at the knees!! How dare he!! I'm a wreck over this. He ended it and has had only occasional (they semi-annually perform with the same large musical group) contact with her.
I've searched all over this website and can't find a place where people talk about discovering an affair years after it is over.
While I was questioning him, he admitted to another EA online. He also has a porn addiction. He is compliant, apologetic, and has agreed to be rid of all that stuff and is limiting his online time.

--------------------
me:BS age 42
him:WS age 43
married:22 yrs
kids:3 sons 14,10,10
Dday:1/27/05
Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2005 | IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
believer
Member
Member # 30284
There are many here who find out about old affairs (mostly when they discover new affair).

How is your marriage apart from the affair?
--believer

megpup

I'm not sure how to answer that. Nothing is normal now. How's is the marriage otherwise? i've no idea. Is there any "otherwise"? everything is colored now. If you mean, is there abuse, then no. Nothing like that. Do we care for each other? yes. Today he said we should spend more time together--fun stuff, without the kids. We've never spent much time that way--he's so busy, working and performing, me working parttime and 3 kids to care for, very little extra money....we've put "us" on the back burner for too long, i guess. He's really had a wakeup call, tho, and has bent over backwards trying to make me feel better these last couple days. He says it's definitely NOT my fault, it's all on him. He admits he's immature and needs therapy. He bought an e-book yesterday and is reading it--obviously putting into practice their advice. He's been more helpful around the house, cooking, laundry, tending the fire, caring for the kids, etc than Ever--i mean EVER. Always my jobs. He's really trying, i'll give him that. He even told me I'm beautiful this morning, which i' haven't heard from him in a Really Long Time--years!
I really believe there's hope. But then. I remember what he did. His body and her body and i feel sick. dirty. disgusted. so icky i can't stand it. when i think about it i feel sick to my stomach.
i can't eat.
no problem; i needed to lose 5 pounds anyway LOL
yeah, right. I feel like !$#!$# total garbage. but i'm so not. i'm really a good person. not bad. not ugly. not stupid. not selfish. not.......why, how could he do this to me!

--------------------



Sorry about your crappy clean up day.

I learned about my h's affairs this fall, 11 and 14 years after they happened. It is normal to feel as if the affair happened yesterday, even though it happened years ago.

My husband is a recovering sex addict. He was also acting on his addiction to porn. I know that that hurts like h@ll too.

I am going to reiterate what I was told when I started posting (not too long ago). Read as much of the website -- all the articles that you can. The policy of radical honesty might be very important to you, and carry a lot of meaning. It sure did to me. Find a good pro-M counsellor, it you don't have one already. Keep reading and posting. Lots of experience, knowledge, wisdom and caring here.

falling rain

--------------------
Megpup here again---
Ok, so here it is SUnday morning. I asked my H to go out to dinner last night, just the 2 of us. We were polite at the restaurant, in fact, had great discussions about "safe topics". During the drive home, however, I just had to bring up the subject of his A. It ended up with us screaming hateful things at each other. I, sobbing hysterically. He said that I'm "addicted" too--to nicotine. I've smoked on and off (mostly on) since teen years. He said it's a real turnoff for him. So THAT's why he had an affair???? because I smoke?? our last time in MC 7 years ago, he brought that up, as a parallel for his porn. The MC wasn't buying it. Said it didn't affect our relationship in the same way as him looking at other women so much. We stopped therapy because H felt "our MC was blaming him for everything. Picking on him."

I feel so spent today. Don't know how I'll make it through. Got a referral yesterday for a counselor, so will call her on Monday. H's appt isn't for another week and a half. I just need to get through this one day at a time. But I'm wondering if this will be it for us. Finally after all these years of an exhausting marriage. I try to remind myself, if he can only come up with that one fault of mine to justify, when he has so many, (LOL--not really) am I really all that bad??

Hi MP - Good to see you again...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I'm wondering if this will be it for us. Finally after all these years of an exhausting marriage. I try to remind myself, if he can only come up with that one fault of mine to justify, when he has so many, (LOL--not really) am I really all that bad?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. You're really NOT all that bad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm glad that you are both going to see a counselor... a good MC will help you both sort through the many issues and feelings that you and your H are both experiencing right now.

Watch your H's actions, not his words... hopefully, he will activly participate in the MC this time... It's up to him to earn your trust back...

Semper Fi,
RIF