ds-

Thank you. So much of what you said makes sense. I know that I'm still defending OM, but not in the sense that I'm letting him off any hook -- after all, he seduced a married woman, there's no sugar-coating such disgusting behavior. My mere suggestion that I was the first A to happen along in their marriage is by no means a suggestion that he's any less revolting by his actions than if I was OW#10. I just think I happen to be his first. Now... am I his last? Who knows. From all appearances and from the words of those who've been in my place themselves, no I won't be his last. How sad.

But I have a question for you. Your DDay was 12/17/04, correct? Mine wasn't long after yours. When, with NC, did you start to emerge from the fog? Dare I hope I may only be weeks away from thinking more clearly?

Oatmeal

well you see - my story is a bit different than yours in the sense, I started a downward cycle due to 3 surgeries and low self esteem before I met OM. When i met OM, it was a month later we started the EA, and that EA lasted 2.5 months with it being PA twice, and numerous webcam experiences as he is in a different city.

3 weeks before DDay, I had OM and his wife and kids up at our house to visit. At that time my H confronted me the first time as he heard us kiss in the bathroom in the middle of the night. I lied. H didn't push it.

The next day I tried to end it with OM online after he had driven back with his family. But I still wanted to be hi friend...within 3 days, we were talking as more than friends again, as ever conversation had to do with how hard this was for him, how he loved our talks blah blah blah.

But at this point, I wanted out. Just everytime I tried to do NC on my own I failed. But I also thought there was no going back and if I told H or he found out - that I would be in worse shape, so I hoped things would end soon and OM would leave, and H would never know and life could go on.

A week before Dday, as a cry to H about my depression, the state of my view of our marriage, I told H I loved him as a friend/roomate, but wasn't in love with him. I said some pretty horrible things.

And to my surprise, he didn't leave, instead he found MB, filled out the EN forms, and others and that week dedicated to trying to fix what I found wrong in him and the marriage.

Silly me - I was so excited, instead of telling H, I told OM, and of course he was happy for me, but added, oh how I wish my W was like that, and I would always been meeting your needs, etc etc. By the end of the week I was back up talking sexually with OM over IM. Why? I was afraid to let go of the only person I was talking to...I wanted out - that week I even spent it encouraging OM to meet up with his last affair who was contacting him again in the hopes he would attach to her and leave me. I was addicted to him.

H caught us and confronted me and as I have said before I was RELEIVED. I cut off all contact immediately, although my goodbye was a goodbye and in the attempts not to hurt the OM, I went easy and based on what I see now, I actually left the door open to him in the ways I said things. Since I have gotten out of the fog, I wrote a NC letter that H read and was impressed. We mailed it together. I am pretty sure OM got the message this time.

For the first three days I missed talking to him. i was scared and all of a sudden not getting that attention. H was doing everything to do his best and it was fantastic - but he was dealing with hurt which I could see in his eyes. I felt horrible. I was sugar coating the affair to H too, not telling him the truth about the details.

Within a week I wasn't missing him anymore, but thought of his family and wondered how they were doing - I hadn't told his W yet at this point

By week 3 I was out of the fog and the heavy heavy heavy remorse hit. I saw what OM was and I was sick. I was still lying to H about the details and H knew it. It was somewhere between week 3-4 that I finally spilled my guts to H and told him the REAL truth of all the details. H was devestated but in all his strength took me in his arms and supported me, and our real recovery has started since then.

Because I was in this relationship less than 3 months and it fed a flaw of mine - my need for attention - I felt feelings, but was never sure they were love. So with those two in mind, my withdrawl of course wasn't as intense as some of the others on this board.

But as other FWW will tell you - you will come out of it. But you have to have NC of any sorts. that means no business with him. You can't keep wondering how he is, what he is doing right now...it's none of your business. That's his wife's business. And if you are in touch with him - even for work purposes, then you are fullfilling those things you want to know. You wont let go.

That's not fair to you or your spouse.

-ds

ds-

Thank you. I actually feel very encouraged to learn of your progress, though I don't expect quite as quick or easy a time to get past OM myself. OM and I have known each other for years and had developed a mutual admiration and close professional relationship long before the A. Even if the A had never happened, I'd be missing him just the way I miss (believe it or not) visiting with his W, with whom I had about an equal frequency of contact.

Plus, the A was EXTREMELY intense and frequent. The phrase "torrid love affair" fits perfectly. I still can't believe I submerged myself so deeply in it, as we had more frequent contact and more diverse experiences than most affair partners ever have the opportunity to engage in, due mainly to our unusual work and travel situations. To stop any form of activity as all-consuming as that would be an adjustment; toss in the fact that we both fell "head over heels" in love (real or not, we both felt very deep emotions -- VERY deep).

But one similarity between you and I: Two days before DDay, I told my poor H the same thing you told yours: about my feelings for him diminishing, that I love him but am struggling to feel sexually comfortable with him anymore. I still shudder to think of what a horrible week that had to be for him. No sooner does he get slap in the face number 1, but two days later, right after MM and I got caught by W in a close embrace, I break the news of the A to H.

Oatmeal

Oatmeal,

DS and others are giving you the straight stuff. I don't have the address handy but I will go find a post by SKM the discusses her recovery from her affair. It will offer you some insights and a timeline that at first may bother you. But, since I have met SKM and her H I will tell you that they recovered had a child and are very happy.

Here is something for you to think about before I address a few things you said. EVEN if you leave your H for OM, you will go through withdrawal, worse you will carry baggage with you that the statistics say will doom your relationship with OM. You have no idea yet, but you will learn if you remain here what such a decision will do to you.

Now you said a few things I thought I would comment on </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sooner or later, we started to realize just how much I was still ensconsed in my eating disorder (my weight was normal and my behavior not as openly obvious as the tales you read about.... hence it had slipped the radar). And I began the long journey of ridding myself of the ED and all of my fear issues. I began giving myself "assignments" to do things on my own, i.e., go to the bank, get the oil changed, take a flight on my own. For me, these were huge steps. But they were empowering.

Amazingly, in spite of all of this, I had, with H's blessings and support, begun and successfully grew my own business. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Notice anything in what you have written? No I doubt you do right now, but later you will. When you were battling who was with you? Where you meeting his needs during this troubled time? I suspect you were not.

When you got stronger who was with you as you focused on yourself? Where you meeting his needs? I suspect you were not.

When you wanted to start your own business who was with you? Who supported you? Was it successful? It was? Were you meeting your H's needs? I suspect you weren't.

You didn't "grow" away from your H, you simply forgot he was there. He didn't "grow" away from you he withdrew because he knew you would NOT meet his needs. Your situation is NOT as you precieve it. But, it can rather easily be fixed IF you have not done too much damage to yourself and your marriage with this affair. I will illustrate in a moment.

But first let me ask you something. If you H was the OM instead of your H, would he have been there for your struggles with ED? Would you have learned what you did IF he had handed you your business and accompaning money? Would it really be YOUR business, your profession? No, you would have grown or achieved at the level you did if OM had been your H instead of the man you are married to. You don't see this yet, and I understand. You are too young, you are still in the fog, and you have not seen who your H is for a long time. But, the time is coming when you will.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my industry, it's really the only way to sustain full-time work. I LOVE my job so much. Have never looked back, I love, love, love it. And more gratifyingly, I have grown a rather large following. Even in spite of the debilitating eating disorder. I have never let my issues get in the way of work.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In short you have done what I said you did. You grew, you take great pride because YOU did it, and you enjoy it. Do you suppose you would have if you had not had to fight so hard for it? I don't think so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyway, as I slowly began to poke my head out of my shell, I began reading the same magazines, reading the same books, etc. that I had found so interesting many years before. Those dreams of traveling, outdoor excursions, skiing, climbing, etc. began flooding back. Only problem: H doesn't hold much interest in these things. How can he? I met and married him at a time when I was in a fog of an entirely different kind, from my own psychological and eating disorder issues. At *that* time, we were a much closer match.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you were NOT a closer match. You are just making a disrespectful judgement, DJ, as you yourself prove in the statements below. Your H did NOT have an eating disorder. He suffered through yours. He may have not have dreamed of what you dreamed of at 14 but that has little to do with being a good match. In fact, if you think about it he has been a "perfect" match for you in many ways, although his passions may not exactly align with yours. The shell you were in you put yourself in, and therefore you did NOT help your H much, you did not meet his needs, and he stayed with you as you struggled helping where he could. Your DJ is assuming that how he was is how he wants to be now and in the future. Further you assume that he was deliriously happy with a disfunctional W. I doubt that very much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The good news is that H has expressed a willingness to investigate some of these desired activities of mine. So I do believe that even with my "new/renewed" areas of interest, there's room for both of us to grow close again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Duh, he was waiting for you to come out of your darned shell. He was waiting to be your partner not your part time parent. Oatmeal, he has been waiting for you all of this time. So Duh, he has always wanted to be your partner, so why is this a surprise to you? Because you have used DJ's to protect you in your shell and you have used them to justify your A. Most people love travel, some have more than a passion than others but they still throughly enjoy it. I am betting your H wil as well.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But this is why OM held such appeal to me. He is extremely athletic, travels to every pocket of the globe, and is a gourmet cook's gourmet cook. And yes, my ego got off on the fact that he "worshipped" me and my physique.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll bet he did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But, he did NOT worship the woman he was married to. So I guess as you age you would be out of the picture because Oatmeal I don't care what your physique is, there are others with better ones and if he travels the world he will find them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A long road ahead, but I'm game for the ride. But it's tough. I still miss OM. But I realize these thoughts are likely fleeting, so I'll deal.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it is a long road ahead. You need to do more than "deal". You need to be talking to your H. I realize you are not in a position yet to truely see him, his hurt, even his aspirations, but when you do...it will be eye opening to you.

I have wanted to say a few things to you. You seem to think time is running out on you. Perhaps that is because you somehow view your beauty as fleeting. Aging as limiting, or perhaps all you think you have is your "physique". You are wrong.

Further if you want to do the traveling, what is required is a plan with your H. It requires discipline in your spending habits, it requires deciding what is really important in your lives. But, you have a lot more time than you realize.

A few years ago I went on a Boy Scout outing with my youngest sons troop to...Alaska. It was an ardous 15 days, that included backpacking, kayaking, glacier hiking, and other activities. One night the parents were sitting around a fire, and we realized that the average of the men on the trip was 56. Yes were mostly the fathers. Further, the couple of women on the trip were in their mid-forties. One was an expert rock climber, had biked across the US.

The leader of the trip was in his mid-60's.

My point? You have time to do all of these things, and that includes even if you have children. It was my second scout trip up there as my older son and I had gone on similar trip. But, more importantly we have done everything from rock climbing to sailing, to bicylcing for hundreds of miles and all at ages decades older than you.

You have time Oatmeal. You have time to have a great marriage, your own business, and see the world and it is a wonderful place to see. But all of it takes planning, focus, and a willingness to be very honest with yourself and your H. So whether you want a great marriage or lots of adventures, you have time and you are very likely married to the right guy.

You have been just too focussed on yourself, your own business, and YOUR issues. Try reaching out to your H and seeing things from his side abit and you will be very surprised at his strength and flexibility. You have discounted him for quite awhile, because he wasn't your dream. He is not a dream he is real and he has strength that you have not noticed nor respected.

For example, you have not lost many jobs yet have you? Try it,when you know your partner likes to spend money and seems to only value for what you bring in. Try it when you have alot of your self-image tied up in your job. See how fast YOU bounce back, or how disheartening it is to go job searching again and be rejected. You have no clue. But I hope you get one.

Oatmeal, keep in NC. Your withdrawal will likely take months. The worst of it will be about 3 weeks, but it will be a long while. But what will help is if YOU decide to learn about your H. It appears you have a lot to learn and your DJ's have blinded you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL