Okay, things have been rolling along pretty well with WH and I. Neither of us has made any moves financially. We've stayed with our joint accounts and credit cards. He's in that finding himself mode, needing to be by himself in his apartment.

Our son is at the State Tournament this week for his sport. It starts today and ends on Saturday night. WH has said that we should talk about our M after this happens. I've been waiting for the bomb to drop.

Today I get a call from our local warehouse store. The message was that WH's raincheck item is in. It's a 42" Plasma TV monitor. He doesn't have a TV in his apartment, so I guess he figured he needed one. I looked on the website and it will be from between $2000-$4000!

I'm feeling that buying something this expensive for his "temporary" home is a breach of promise. And a very bad omen. I'm feeling like it's time to empty out our savings account. Like it's time to secure things financially. It may be time to contact the lawyers.

Any advice?

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: grapegirl ]</small>

I would definitley start getting things in order financially before he spends all your money on him or OW. Yikes!!!! You need to protect yourself!!!!!!

Time for you to see a lawyer to protect yourself. He is using your money for his lovenest.

My FWH bought a condo that I didn't know about that is still costing us money. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Been there, done that!

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

He's "following the script", my mantra for today.

I'd jump in car and dash to bank and open new account somewhere else.. hurry

Grape,

Any chance you can tell them you decided against the TV - get them to accept a return? Or, you might even just have it delivered to your place!

-AD

GG,

I'm sitting here wondering why this wasn't done already?

I understand plan A ..I support it. There is no clause that prevents you from protecting yourself from fiscal irresponsibility of the WS though.

Boundaries are a good thing..not a punative measure.

I'd take care of this pronto whether he drops a bomb or not.

Making a large purchase such as this without your consent is not acceptable under any circumstances..so that indicates that his vision has not cleared as of yet.

Noodle

Good thought on the TV. Grape and the children deserve a plasma.

GG Hang on!! On understand that you are on fire right now, and rightly so. But try to approcah this with him without being accusatory. Ask him if he thinks that perhaps in light of this you should separate the finances. I just got into a big heated LB fight about this very thing with my WH. Currently we still have joint acct etc. Money has never been an issue until we started having to pay for his apartment. Now he is asking me to come back to work for him so we have enough to cover it. What balls! I told him I would come back to work because I wanted to, because I loved him and wanted him to know that.

Anyhow it sounds like things are actually a little more civil between you and WH, so I am just telling you to take deep breaths, count to 10 and think about how you are going to ask him about it. Tell him you feel uncomfortable with such a big purchase in light of the fact that you still don't know what your future holds, and that you are interpreting it as his way of telling you he is making the break. He may have not even thought about it that way. Thats how they think!

Just don't want you back pedaling.

Homer, you are a voice of reason. I am going to talk to him about it but face-to-face. What you say is very true. I do feel uncomfortable with such a large expenditure, over $2200! I do interprete it as meaning he's going to stay in his apartment. He is very bad at thinking about the affect of the thing he's doing. Other other night, WH asked how many bags of soil I needed for my garden this summer. I said, "I don't know, I don't even know if I'm going to be in this house." Then he said, "You will."

Does that mean he's coming back? Does it mean he's going to pay the bills so we can stay here? Does he really think I want to stay in this house after DD#2 graduates this spring and it's just DD and me in this big house? Then why the heck does WH need a giant TV? I know he loves his TV but the football season is over...

I don't even want to think. It brings me to paths I don't want to go down.

I hardly have any time to respond to you right now.

However, I want to ask you to consider a couple of things because remember I've been there.

Do you believe there is a such thing as the fog?

Do you think he will answer your questions honestly?

Do you think that given that he is involved in an A that he is himself and acting reasonably?

He will not tell you the truth. Grape, you know what the truth is already.....

It's staring you straignt in the face. It's the road that you don't want to go down. However, you are already on the road, GRAPE.....

Where's the TV t/b delivered? Before you go jump all over him, find out first.

Then decide how you will approach this subject to your H.

BS: um.... H, can I ask you a question?

WS: uh.... ok.

BS: Got a call today about some furniture being delivered. Do you have any idea what that's about?

WS: Furniture? No....

BS: Oh, maybe it was to the wrong address. I'll let them know.

WS: WAit.... not furniture, it's a ___________.

See if he will spill the beans. Be kind. NOt accusatory. Keep a pillow or towel nearby if you need to bite your tongue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

GG, I say protect yourself. Extravagant spending is one of the favorite habits of the cheatin' spouse.

Remember, you can't trust him. He'll say what he needs to say to get out of trouble, or he'll try to turn you into the villain.

GC

I guess this explains WHY he came to our house to watch the Super Bowl on OUR FAMILY big screen TV.

not laughing out loud

GG- I don't know if you've followed my story much, but I went thru a very similar situation - you've gotten good advice here, not much I can add - but I would DEFINTITELY open your OWN account and put money there - keep yourself safe. I almost lost everything because I trusted WW with a joint account. Protect yourself,DON'T FEED THE A!!!!!

David

GG- I don't know if you've followed my story much, but I went thru a very similar situation - you've gotten good advice here, not much I can add - but I would DEFINTITELY open your OWN account and put money there - keep yourself safe. I almost lost everything because I trusted WW with a joint account. Protect yourself,DON'T FEED THE A!!!!!

David

same here...ww has tried and relatively successfully cleaned me out...and now trying to extort $$ from me thru my new home....get your own accounts and be safe from this

Well, WH called a bit ago about the logistics for meeting his parents for the State tournament we're going to tonight. So, I talked to him:

Me: Hey, you know I had this interesting call from the warehouse store today.

WH: Oh?

Me: Yeh, they said the 42" plasma TV that was on back order for you came in.

WH: Silence

Me: Did you buy it?

WH: Uh, uh, uh...It was a good price.

Me: Where were you planning to put it?

WH: Uh, uh...

Me: I feel very uncomfortable with this level of spending when we don't know where we're going.

WH: Uh, uh...I haven't put any money on it.

Me: We should talk about it if we're going to spend this much money. This makes me feel like you are not coming home.

WH: Well, I'll cancel the order.

Me: Fine, I'll call and cancel it.

WH: No! Don't do that!

Me: When you say that it makes me feel like you are not being truthful to me.

WH: Think what you want.

Me: I will. Bye.

Well folks, this was the kick in the butt I needed. I went to the bank. I did not close out any of our accounts. I simply opened a new combination checking/savings account in my name and transfered a great deal of our savings account into it. I even got a toy stagecoach for doing it. I've got a new debit card and I've applied for a new credit card. The Account person sympathized with my pain but thought it was a good and safe thing to do.

A part of me feel a lot better. I've taken money that we aren't really using and put it into another interest bearing place. I do not intend to touch it unless WH does something mean. If WH can meet the conditions to reenter the family sphere, come out of the fog, have NC and generally decide to stop being a jerk, ad naseum, everything will go back where it belongs.

Thank you everybody for helping me with this. I feel a little more protected now.

What about the joint credit cards???

WH can run those up and you are responsible in case he decides not to pay.

WW maxed out the 2 cards she has, and so far is making the payments, I will be debt free on mine in 2 weeks, so I hope I don't have to pay for hers as well, but I did close them so she can't hurt me more.

Good job on the bank move though, I guess the stagecoach can go on the mantle as a trophy of your making a GOOD MOVE

Grapegirl,
I know I'm going against the tide here but I would not place too much emphasis on the Plasma TV - unless you really needed that money to pay your mortgage, feed your kids, etc. My WH bought a Plasma TV ($4K - maybe it was more than a Plasma) when he moved into his apartment in Jan. The thing is he had been wanting to buy a big TV for quite a few years, he needed a TV for his apartment and so it really did not bug me that much that he bought it. Granted, I'm not a person that gets ruffled by money stuff that much but I figure it this way - he could have bought that TV months ago so why loose sleep over it now? He didn't buy much else for his apartment. He has worked very hard over the years and has not bought that much for himself. If we get back together and it is a BIG IF, the TV will come with him. Maybe I'm just a wimp. Hopefully something in my rambling helped. It has not been a great nite for me...

Grape:

I think you did great in your phone conversation.

One good aspect of this is the EXPOSURE. It helps to burst the A bubble. He knows you are onto him.

I kept finding out info like that, too.

Like my mother used to say, "What you do in the dark, comes out into the light".

He probably has some secret bank accounts of his own. I found out that was what my H did.


I hate that this is happening to you, GRAPE. I hate this for all of us!!