Ok,heres the deal,known her for 5 years,got married in april last year,found out about her A with a guy she works with in november.When I confronted her she moved out and I strongly suspect she is staying with him now.

We havent communicated since mid december and I often get told by my friend that they have seen them together at a mall etc.

Fortunately no kids or property involved.The reason she gave me for the A was that I wasnt paying her enough attention.

Where to from here,its just been 3 months of pure anguish.Is it time to move on?Or can this be saved?Do I want her back if she decides to return?

Hey EW,

Only 7 months? My W's first A was only 2 months after we married. We've worked through all of our issues and we've rebuilt our M. It can be done, but in our case, we had a daughter and I wasn't going to abandon her... or my W. It was hard, but we've become stronger by having gone through all of our trials.

Only you can decide if you want to try and rebuild your M... but it does take both of you.

If she's not willing, then I'd say cut your losses right now...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Thanks for the reply RIF.We havent communicated and surely the fact tha she is with OM means she is not willing?The last time I spoke to her she said she messed up and things will never be the same between us,so theres no hope.

have you read about plan A on this site? Plan A is about reminding WS what your marriage was and could be. Also you show her things CAN get back to normal and can be the same or even better. Do you want to fight for your marriage?

Hi EW,

So sorry for your pain. It sounds really tough. Its good that you found this place, though.

Have you read all the pages on this website about MB principles? Have you read about plan A and plan B, or read any of the Harley books, like Surviving an Affair? What might be really important to your situation is to expose the affair to all important people in your W's life. How willing would you be to do the work necessary?

I guess I'm asking because it may be possible to save your M, regardless of what your W might say right now. But its not going to be easy, and there's also a possibility that it won't work at all. It would require you to be able to put your feelings aside for the time being and follow whats in your long term interest, if that is what you want. Your W is probably right that she messed up and that your M can never be the same. But that doesn't mean that it can't be good.

If you do want to try, please keep posting, there are many, many knowledgeable people here!

Elegantly wasted,

Welcome to MBers. I’m so sorry to hear about your W’s A and your painful circumstances…especially since you are only a few months married… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Elegantly wasted, you have found the right place for help, advice and support and even if you won’t succeed in reconciling with your W again, you will still find this place very helpful… There are some (BS’s) Betrayed Spouses on these boards who are separated from their spouses and not reconciled yet, who can be of moral support and help to you to get through this…

One thing I can tell you for sure is that your wife’s affair with the OM (Other Man) have a very, very small change (less than 3%) to succeed because their relationships is build on the wrong foundation - its build on a foundation of lies and deceit and a relationship like this can’t last indefinitely… </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> The reason she gave me for the A was that I wasn’t paying her enough attention.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Elegantly wasted, just in case you feel the A is your fault, please understand that the choice of a WS to have an A is NEVER the fault of the BS. The circumstances in the M and lack on your part to fulfill your W’s EN’s may have contributed to make her vulnerable to the attention of another man and to have an A, but it is certainly not your fault that the affair happened. To have an affair is not a solution to unfulfilled EN’s (Emotional Needs) and problems in a marriage. Your wife was suppose to talk to you about her unhappiness about your lack of attention and to seek professional help with you (should it be necessary), but instead, she chose to remain silent and react on the attention of another man. So please don’t ever feel responsible for your wife’s wrong choices and actions… </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Do I want her back if she decides to return?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Elegantly wasted, only you can answer this question, but if she ever returns and you’re willing to take her back the following must happen first:

1. She must stop ALL contact with OM for life and send him a NC letter (No Contact letter) singed by both of you and approved by you as well.

2. She must quit her job or find another one. Since your wife is involved in such a serious type of affair with OM (I believe it must be a EA/PA (Emotional Affair combined with a Physical Affair), it won’t be possible for you, your wife OR your marriage to recover if they still work together.

Blessings and prayers to you,
Suzet

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 02:21 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Its good that I have an opportunity to communicate with so many people with similar circumstances.

Do I want to fight for my marriage,I dont know.Do I love her?Yes,most definately.But how can I possibly let her back in (assuming she might want to one day) after the absolute hell she put me through the past three months.She just came across as cold and unemotional....a totally different person.

Is it noy better to cut my losses and move on.Dont get me wrong here,when we exchanged vows I took them seriously.But she did this and left a wreck of a man in her wake with seemingly no remorse....well,thats the impression I get anyway.

I think you should answer that question ( do you want to fight for your marriage ) before you ask what to do. In my case i found i loved my H with all i had and yes, he put me thru hell also, but i found the strength to fight, (and keep fighting). Only you know if you want to continue, and when you decide, you need to be in a plan. Good luck.

Elegantly wasted, I’ve posted to you earlier, but I want to add something after I’ve read your other responses. You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> The last time I spoke to her she said she messed up and things will never be the same between us,so theres no hope.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AND
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>But she did this and left a wreck of a man in her wake with seemingly no remorse....well,thats the impression I get anyway. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Elegantly wasted, the fact that your W said she messed up, is a clear sign that she probably feels guilty, very shameful and not worthy of you anymore. Although she acts so cold, unemotional and unremorseful towards you, this is probably just a “mask” she wears to hide how she truly feels (especially about herself and this mess she have caused).

Suzet

Thanks for all the replies.

So if I do decide to try and save the marriage,I have no idea how to approach her...wait...im scared to approach her.Im terrified of hearing her voice on the line after 3 months of nothing.Im terrified of letting out all the emotions ive suppressed for so long.

What if I call her and get the same response"I have feelings for him and we are over".The last time she said this to me I asked her,"so do you want to get a divorce?" to which she replied "no,I dont want to rush into thing just in case Im making the biggest mistake of my life".

WTF,can anyone read any sense into that?

Hi EW,

I'm normally one of the most "stick with it no matter what" guys around here... but until YOU decide what you want to do, then it's very hard for me to give you any suggestions or advice.

For me, I made the decision early on to stick it out no matter what. That was a decision that I made for me and for my family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The last time she said this to me I asked her,"so do you want to get a divorce?" to which she replied "no,I dont want to rush into thing just in case Im making the biggest mistake of my life".

WTF,can anyone read any sense into that?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like your W wants to keep you around just in case things don't work out with the OM...

Again, if you do decide to stick it out and you have some specific questions that we can help you with, please let us know...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Suzet and Shelly_3.

It was at the same time that she said the above to me,the part about it being over but not wanting a divorce,that I said to her we should first work through it,go for councilling etc.I saw a glimmer in her eye and she even agreed to meet for a chat again.But that never happened and it went downhill from there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Elegantly wasted:
<strong> Suzet and Shelly_3.

It was at the same time that she said the above to me,the part about it being over but not wanting a divorce,that I said to her we should first work through it,go for councilling etc.I saw a glimmer in her eye and she even agreed to meet for a chat again.But that never happened and it went downhill from there. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Elegantly wasted,

If you still want to fight for your marriage and want to try to get your wife back maybe you can try to approach her a second time to speak with her again? Maybe she agreed on a chat with you but it never happened because probably she was waiting for you to make the first move and to initiate to meet with her again? As I said before, maybe she never contacted you after that last time because of feelings of much guilt, shame and unworthiness towards you… I don’t know, but this is just something for you to think about. Maybe you will never know if you don’t give it a try?

Suzet

EW...Sorry to hear this happening to you so soon after m.

First you must decided whether you want to save the marriage or not. What is your value? Is marriage important enough to fight for? You dont have any kids so it is easier to just walk away...

If you want to save it then there is a plan...you need to do plan A the best you can despite the lack of respond from WS. You have to swallow your pride and take whatever crap that WS throws to you...especially the fog talking and rejection which can be very very hurtful.

Its a long and painful journey but you come out a better person at the end of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry, I cant seem to find plan A on the site,could someone point me in the right direction?EW

Basic Concepts

Try this...

I also read somewhere that some advice dont do plan B when you have no kids because there is no tie to bind the both of you.

Good luck and keep posting... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry RIF,the link takes me to basic concepts but I still cant find a link to plan A there?Am I being stupid?EW

Hey EW - You are most definitely NOT being stupid! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Plan a is where you apply all of Dr. Harley's basic principals... The first step in a good Plan-A is exposing the affair. If the other person is married, then expose the affair to their spouse.

Once the affair is exposed, then you start applying all of the basic principals. The premis is that in almost cases, the WS (wayward spouse) and OP (other person) will eventually have problems once they are exposed.

Your goal in Plan-A is to show your spouse what they already had at home...

If you want an example of a great Plan-A, do a search on Bob Pure... In just a bit over 6 months, his wife has returned to their M, reengaged with the family and they are well on their way to rebuilding their marriage...

Semper Fi,
RIF

EW, you will also benefit from reading this link:

What to Do with an Unfaithful Wife

Take care and keep posting... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 05:39 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>