i know this is a christian site and so far i am knew here. i am afriad that i am making a wrong impression here and getting others mad at me. i am a good person, but i am just so sad and hurt to be here today. i am very confused by somethings here. i read on this site that the marriage is the strongest bond and that my dh takes precedence even over my three children. for this i accept. my dh has had an affair against me and the ow now has young infant. my dh wants to never acknowledge this as his son or pay support. i know that many of you don't agree with this and i understand.

what am i confused about is people telling me that my husband needs to be a man and ackowlege this son and be a father to him. i don't undestand your advises. i spend three hours reading all of the posteds on the pregnancy forum and there they give different advise. there, they tell to not have dh see child and it is better to have no contact with oc. i dont understand how people can say that my dh has to be a man and step up to the task of being a father when on the other sites they say that it is better to not have oc and how better hubbys are to not see other child. i am so confused. how can i help my husband to see what the right thing to do is, when i get diiferent advice. how can you tell me that my dh is wrong for not acknowleding oc and turning his back on him, and then over there you guys dont tell them the same things. i am so confused. can someone help me to sort this out. i know that if paying support is a law and dh can go to jail for not paying then we will have to pay. will god look down on my dh for abandoning a child he never wanted in the 1st place.? how do we live with this. please advise. if we pay the support can we say that we are right in gods eyes.? please help me with this.

maria

Maria, this is an opinion forum. When you ask for opinions, you will get.....opinions. All people do not think alike.

However, I think you are choosing to be confused because you do not like the advice you are getting. You were told here on General Questions II that your H has an obligation to support the child financially.

Only ONE PERSON ever gave the opinion that your H should ever be in contact with the child. [misguided advice, in my opinion]

I hope to God he NEVER EVER darkens that child's doorstep. I think it would be a bad idea for the child and a bad thing for your family for your H to ever see that child.

You posted this over on the P/C forum....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i feel so sorry for my dh over all of this. he was in tears this morning thinking about how all of this is gonna hurt our finances and shame in the community and church. he is a leader in our community, a revered man. i know that many ignorant people are gonna judge him for the ow actions in bringing a ******* into the world. my dh did not ask for this. where is the protection for our dh and families from ow and children.where.? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are fighting a losing battle.

Everyone at MB will support your M, but would never support lying, cheating or stealing. There is a HUGE difference between not having contact with the child, and referring to him with such nastiness. Trying to run from financial obligation is not a noble act, and it's also not advised on ANY of the boards here.

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: betrayedinjersey ]</small>

Maria, what you are confused about is the difference between owning up to his responsibities as the father of that child and trying to run from them...

We are telling you that your H needs to own up to his responsiblities and pay the child support to HIS child...We are not telling you he has to have contact with that child...that is something only YOu and HE can decide...

Many people over on the pregnancy board have had NC with the OC, but many people HAVE had contact with the OC...it just depends on what works best for YOU and YOUR H...

The reason we are getting angry is the way you refer to this being all the OW's fault and you make your H out to this great guy...Maria, your H committed adultry and fathered a child...he also wanted the OW to have an abortion...That is not something that God supports Dear!

The only thing we want is for your H and YOU to realize that your H is the one who is at fault here...NOT the OW...the OW is just that...Your H had a choice and his choice was to sleep with her...he could have walked away...

This child did not ask to be here...the child did not have a choice at all! Your H made the choice for him!

I would ask you to refrain from using such words as [censored] child...that is nasty...it is a 2 month old infant for goodness sake! I think you need to think about the whole situation...you are trying to blame the OW for something your H did to you!

thank you for the replies. i understand some of my confusions. i know that i am lucky that contact with the other child will not happen ever. for that i thank god. i am just so ashamed for my family and husband. today has been like a craite train hitting me for some reason. i have known about the oc and affair for some times. the pain and humiliation is so hard. i dont want to make people made at me here. i need support. i dont want my dh to get in more trouble by lying about our earnings. i dont know how much we are gonna have to pay. paying the money is my dh greatest anger now and also about the church and greek community finding out. it is so hard. i want to be so mad at my dh but i havent even had time to do that. he wont let me. it is so overwhelming. i belive in god and i know that he will help us find a solution that he approves of. if we have to pay, we will pay. if my dh is relieved of his church duties or if our shop is boycotted we will survive with gods will.

can somone help me with one thing. if we pay the support, will dh be a good man in gods eyes if he never sees or talk s to the oc again.? i am afraid for dh being judged by others for never playing any role in this boys life. what does harley say about this.? what does god say about this.? please help.

maria

i will not use the word ba$tardd anymore. in true meaning, it is what the oc is though. he is a child born out of wedlock and by definition a ba$[censored]. it means illegitimate child a whoreson. i will stop using the term because i dont want to offend others. i am asking for support and i know i dont want to hurt others also who are experiecning this pain. iam sorry if i offend.

maria

Maria, your H can never completely make this situation right because this child was born out of wedlock as a result of an adulterous affair.

He cannot ever take on the full role of a father without further tearing apart his family. Nor do I think he would be a good influence on a child whose death he has advocated and who he admittedly "doesn't want."

BUT, he can send money for his support to make sure the child is properly supported. On subject of support, the Bible is very CLEAR. I don't know that the Bible ever specifically addresses this situation, though, and I don't know what Harley says about it.

This is just my opinion and if I were him, I would look to your priest for some guidance since he knows you personally.

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Maria,

Instead of wondering what Harley would suggest,,why not call for a counseling appointment? Would your H be willing to talk to him? Whether he would or not,,I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to him. You can click on the link at the top of this page,,says "counsel" ,, to get the number and information about phone counseling. I think if your H would give it a try, he like talking to him. And I KNOW he'd benefit alot from phone counseling.

And if you dont want to coucel with Harley, you can coucel with someone else...I am counceling with Penny Tupy right now and she and her staff have been a Godsend to me in this situation...My H OW just had her child this week and Penny is pulling us thru...I think it would benefit you both to cousel with someone!

thank you for your advise. my dh would never call him and will never understand what this kind of forum is for. i am going to call harley this week. i need him to bless my dh actions in never seeing the oc again and just paying the support checks. you are all wonderful people for posting to me.

maria

Maria, your H needs to repent, truly repent of his sin and step to the plate and pay child support. Minor t/j here. Mom, did you say OW had her baby? How are you??

Ok, Maria are you understanding what we are saying. NC is fine, but child support after DNA is established is a must.

she will go to welfare and food stamps before she ever sees money from us. If you continue to think this way the District Attorney will garnish your H's wages and his employer will be aware of the situation. Is that what you want? Do you want the tax payers to pick up your H;s respsonsibilites?

Good Maria!! I think you'll find him VERY easy to talk to and VERY understanding. Check that link,,it gives you all the info you'll need when you call. And I think you'll find your H just MAY be interested in talking to him too when he hears all the help you are receiving. I hope so anyway.

Keep posting Maria and asking questions. It will help you to heal and recover. This is a VERY tramatic experience to go through and the pain and hurt multiplies when there is a child involved.

FF, yes she did..but I haven't posted it cuz I do know that WH still reads here and he doens't know my new screen name.

I am doing fine so far...I'll be able to update soon, but I cant really get into anything right now...I'm fine though...just another day for us! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Maria, I think there is something else that is important for you to understand. Your husband is not the victim here. He actively impregnated this woman. He KNOWS how babies are made. She did not get pregnant by herself. He did this.

Nor does the fact that he paid her money for an abortion absolve him in any way. If she had done that, then he would also be guilty of this child's murder. She did the right thing in not having an abortion. So don't condemn her for not having an abortion.

Your husband is just as guilty as the OW in this whole ordeal, Maria, and it makes me sad for you that you must witness your husband acting so unmanly in all this. A brave man will face the consequences of his sin, Maria, he won't run like a coward and try to cover his tracks or blame others.

Help him be a man, Maria. Help him be the best he can be, not the worst he can be. I know you are a good woman and I know you know right from wrong. Don't let him confuse you about right and wrong and trick you into thinking HE is the victim here. He is not the victim. You, your kids and this poor baby are the victim. NOT HIM.

no, i know now that my dh must pay his share for this baby even if he said he did not want it. i know that he had a decision in risking the pregancy. she did lie to him about birth control he said. and he always used protection. thank god. reading about the sex diseases scares me so much. i thank god everyday that my dh had the thoughts to use a condom all of the times. i am worried though, if he got her preganzt when the condom broke can he also get diseases from this.? we have never had any problems with this ever. i am gonna tell him what you guys suggested about taking the paternity test also. i just hope he doesnt try to do things his way and go against the law. i think i have a great idea given to from the pregancy board now. if i file separation and ask for support then the girls over on the pregancy boards say that the ow will get less support. can someone give me advise on this plan. i want to do the right thing and present my dh with a solid plan to do this. thank you for your advise.

maria

Maria, what state do you live in?

Oh my goodness mcorpus, I'm sorry for your situation hon, ....BUT, why are you trying to cheat this child out of money? Your husband fathered the child, it's his responsibility to pay support. I'm not a giant advocate of OW having babies by other women's husbands, but it doesn't make it the BABY's fault. That's an innocent child you're talking about. If you don't want your H to have contact with the OC, then that's fine, if that's what works for you, but why on earth are you trying to help him worm his way out of paying what he should???

Don't take what I'm saying wrong, I just don't think that you should try to separate etc, so the child gets less money, you seem to be trying to shield your H from the reprocussions for his actions.

Also, on the note about him always using protection, and the condom breaking thing. If the condom broke ..... he could absolutely have a sexually transmitted disease and you should both be tested.

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mcorpus29:
<strong> no, i know now that my dh must pay his share for this baby even if he said he did not want it. i know that he had a decision in risking the pregancy. she did lie to him about birth control he said. and he always used protection. thank god. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maria, please don't believe this silly story. Your H did not use protection. Do you honestly believe that the ONE TIME the "condom broke" she just happened to get pregnant. C'mon.


And I agree that she should submit to a paternity test to make sure he is the father.

Try to think of it this way. His son will have a lot of problems in life to deal with because of you H mistake. But is it fair to the inoccent child to suffer for what your H did. I know this is hard on you but would I don't think you hate the child and want him to suffer. I can understand being upset with Your H and the OW and you have every right to be. I always have thought it this way when it came to kids. If my wife was raped or had a A and actuall conception happend before something could be done I wouldn't want her to kill the child. I could understand if she couldn't live seeiing the child so adoption would give some loving couple a chance at there own baby. If she couldn't part with the child based on the baby being half her I would raise the child as my own. Very hard choises to make when unwanted pregnancies happen but lets not forget the innocent childeren. This will be hard for you if he comes around and wants the child in your life so please see a C.

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 04:58 AM: Message edited by: RHMike ]</small>