Keep yourself busy, go see a movie, go out to lunch, be with friends...call someone else when you feel compelled to call him...call your H instead. Tell your H about your compulsion.

If you call him tomorrow you will start at square one again...are you prepared fo rhte guilt that comes after the high?

The OM is a cheater. No matter how much you want to believe the fairy tale is true, it never really happens unless we create it in our own lives...through honor, honesty, and lifelong love.

How is it going today Cards? Were you able to resist? Either way, I'm here to help.

Thank you gentlsoul. Had a pretty good day & was able to resist contact with online OM. I read a lot on this site today & read an old post from TogetherAlone that analyzed why WS get in A's. That helped me immensely and much of it applied to me and helped me understand why I did what I did. Even as the online EA unfolded I constantly struggled with what was happening (morally). I am the "perfect" mom, being active with kids religious school, active in church, etc, etc. What a contradiction, had this in common with OM and we even talked about the paradox of it all. I needed to know what was happening to me and my sound mind. Since I was readily available online, I was almost always at the disposal of the OM. He found me online 1 or 2 times a day for 3+ months. He was in more control of the relationship because of that which really made me feel like a puppet. It was so intense there was no time in between to ponder and question what was happening, even though I became aware of my addiction when only one day passed without "connecting". No excuses, I was there and wanting him, but it just made the entire "affair" and addiction that much more emotionally charged. Anyway, the post helped me understand what happened to me, an otherwise sensible & stable person. It also showed me (again) that it's about ME, not about OM. This may sound strange, but in my urge to contact OM in the last couple days, reading the posts today almost made me want to contact OM and tell him about this site & help him and his M. I read about some other posts from BH's today, and my heart went out to them. It smacked in my face the pain that is caused with these EA's. I felt compassion for OM's wife. I felt thankful & humble that I my H has been supportive. But, as I felt strong earlier today, right now I'm feeling week (again).

One thing that continues to be hard as I go through withdrawal are the constant reminders of my online OM. Since my contact was via pc and often at my office, my work days can be difficult. It sounds crazy, but the alerts for new e-mail (which are the same as IM) send me an adrenlin rush. I've finally stopped signing in to the service. While other people quit going places to not run into their OP, I can't escape my pc at work or home.

As far as my feelings about OM, I vascillate between begin angry with him for pursuing me so much, and feeling compassion and wanting to help him.

I feel like I'm heading in the right direction, 13 days of NC. But as soon as I feel good & strong, I feel down again. I know that the next few days will be tough for NC. Unfortunately, I am still thinking of when he may be online, up late, etc, etc. Since still in withdrawal, I'm not able to focus on my BH or M. Hopefully soon. Praying to be strong.

It sounds crazy, but the alerts for new e-mail (which are the same as IM) send me an adrenlin rush. I've finally stopped signing in to the service. While other people quit going places to not run into their OP, I can't escape my pc at work or home. CAn you change the sound of the alert? I know in Outlook you can pick from several different sounds. Hang in there, you CAN get through this.

Good for you! Congrats on another day closer to breaking free. The worst of the withdrawls will hopefully not last a whole lot longer, but everyone is different. Expect to feel up and down for awhile (that's normal). Perhaps you might want to have a list in your head or on paper as to the reasons you will not contact him for moments of weakness. As for wanting to help OM - the cost for you will probably be too much. He's a big boy and has his wife to help him. I know you care about him, but your husband needs you more right now, right?

I found it helpful to change my daily habits - driving a different way into work, changing the ringer on my phone at work, etc. When I felt a trigger, I called my husband, even if it was to just tell him a stupid knock-knock joke.

I'm glad you are reading. That helped me too - the more you understand, the easier it is to fight. You are right, it is about you and how the interaction made you feel..not about him.

Give it some time of NC - feelings for your husband will come back I bet. They did for me and I'm coming up on eight weeks of NC. I've been married almost 19 years (about the same as you). I have two small children to show for it. That is true love in the long run. Every day gets better...and so I hope for you. Hang in there cuz I know it's hard. I'm rooting for you!

hey Cards,
just reading through your thread. wow. good insight into the otherside. my H is involved in several onliners. reading this I can kind of understand how difficult it might really be for him to stop. we have 4 kids and have been married for almost 14 years. I thought it would be enough for him to just stop "cold turkey", but maybe he can't. My heart truelly goes out to you. Keep on keepin' on!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> One thing that continues to be hard as I go through withdrawal are the constant reminders of my online OM. Since my contact was via pc and often at my office, my work days can be difficult. It sounds crazy, but the alerts for new e-mail (which are the same as IM) send me an adrenalin rush. I've finally stopped signing in to the service. While other people quit going places to not run into their OP, I can't escape my pc at work or home. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cardsonly, as I said before, I have understanding for what you’re going through. I struggle with the same things (as you described above) after my involvement ended since my contact with XOM was mostly through e-mail at work. I also experienced the adrenaline rushes and the frustration of not being able to escape my pc at work etc. But time and patience have helped me to recover and put it all behind me.

The following things also helped me to cope:

1. I turned off the sound of my computer so that I couldn’t hear the alerts of new e-mail. Later I also turned off the option on my computer that notified me on my screen every time new e-mail arrived. During my involvement I checked my e-mails regularly to see if there was new mail in my inbox from XOM. After contact ended, I only signed into the service if it was really necessary for me to read/send e-mails for work related purposes. You must try to eliminate the triggers that gave you the adrenaline rushes.

2. If I really felt the urge to e-mail/contact XOM, I e-mailed/contacted my H in stead or posted to these boards… Posting/reading here and posting advice & support to other members was also of tremendous help to help me to stay focused. Keep posting and reading here…we will help you.

3. I develop a good support system:

- Other than my H (who is my greatest friend and confidant), I also confided in a few of my closest female friends (some of them at my work) and my mom and the days I felt ‘down’, weak and/or vulnerable to contact XOM, I would e-mail and/or speak to them in stead or I would go out for a cup of coffee with one of them or whatever. My H, close friends & mom was very supportive and this also helped me tremendously.

- I also seek professional help & support and decided to confide in a Christian counselor/therapist at my work. She also become a great friend & confidant of mine and was also of tremendous help during my withdrawal and personal recovery. I also e-mailed her sometimes when I had the urge to contact OM or when I felt weak or ‘down’. She was the one who advised me to go on Anti-Dep’s. The medication was of big help during my personal recovery and to help me get through withdrawal.

Cardsonly, you CAN get through this and you WILL succeed, you must just give it much time and patience and keep resisting your urges to contact OM! Also pray to God daily for help, strength and guidance. With HIM everything is possible! Remember, we can’t always control how we feel but we can control our actions… The problem is not with the feelings we experiencing and can’t always control, but the problem comes when we act on those feelings. You’ve made a willful choice in the first place NOT to act on your feelings again and not to contact OM again and this is a MAJOR step in the right direction! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Every new day of NC is a victory! I can see from your posts that, in spite of your yearning to have contact with OM and the feelings you still have, you have commit yourself to NC and have the motivation & strength within yourself to do this and get through this. I believe there is a purpose for everything in life … Hardships like this help us to learn lessons in life and become stronger, wiser people. The same is true for you. We may never know all the ‘why's’ of what God allows in our lives but I believe He allows everything for a purpose and can let everything (even the bad things) work out for our good if we just trust Him, have faith in Him & stay obedient to Him... The following verse from Script (once given to me by ForeverHers) have very personal meaning for me and I want to share it with you… I’m sure you will also find strength, courage and personal meaning from it:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Blessings, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 03:16 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hi 'cardsonly'.

I was wondering if it might help you to tell us a little more of your story?

I re-read your first post about his wife finding out and reading the messages between you and OM.
It must have been really terrible in that household...Have you NOT talked or emailed with him since that day?

Your life with your husband reading the messages, did not have this dramatic happening, true?
So if the OM wanted, he could email or call you, is that right also?

I am sure he is WONDERING about how you are doing but evidently he thinks it best for his marriage to not have you be a part of his life.

And yeah, after 3 months of emails saying how wonderful, pretty, fun and sexy you are, this is a hard DRUG to be without even though you know in your mind it is for the best.
(Your heart, the place that has false reasoning, says differently, and yes you absolutely will have severe withdrawal from his loving attention, it is understandable.)

I did a little search and came up with this post below.
Maybe you could imagine in your mind, that this is the way it would be if you called him....And you KNOW if his wife was there when you called, he would reject you completely, true?

Below is the message:
"inamess
Member
Member # 4176

posted April 13, 2000 03:15 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mercy,

I CALLED HIM TODAY!!!!!!
I called and asked for him, I had a stern voice like I was mad. When they took the phone over there. I heard someone say [b]"Oh My God" I know it was him. And his friend told me he wasn't there. Well he hasn't called today. I am just Dying for him to call also.

I'm glad I did call though. I WONT THINK ABOUT IT AGAIN! That just shows me what kinda old IDIOT I was. He just wanted to play.
What is sad is that his wife may really be a good woman. I had heard rumors about him being a player and that he messed around. Of course this was after I was so involved. Now I am starting to beleive it.

If he does call. I have a few things to tell him. I dont think he will though.

Just keep me in your prayers. GOD KNOWS I AM SO WEAK RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!

This makes me feel like such a total loser!
I can not beleive that I contacted him.
Okay ! Enough of that I am gonna go cry a while.

Email me sometime. Rpstyle@aol.com
Thanks[/b]

Thank you all again for your words of support. Blessed TIME, my online A eventually ended after being caught 3 times! First by my H, who read an e-mail & thought it was a PA. After honestly telling him that it was not, but downplaying the emotional affair part (at that time I didn't even know how much I was attached), he was supportive and trusted me to put an end to it.

At that point OM gave me his cell ph # & his work e-mail that no one else had access to. I told the online OM what was going, but he continued to find me online. Of course, I didn't have strength to firmly end it. I was in way too deep. I would say that this happened at a point where we both could've been talked into doing something really stupid, like actually trying to meet. We continued on for a couple weeks then I mistakenly had an instant messg conversation with OM wife. She confronted him & he denied the A, saying that he had talked to me months ago & didn't know why I was writing him. Again we picked up the contact, but suddenly after about 2 weeks I heard nothing from him. He found me on the site where we met & told me she had recorded conversations & he had promised not to talk to me again. He said we'd talk on the safe site. I don't know if she used online recorders or what, but he hasn't been on the site since (that I know of).

I called him about a week later because I had to know what was going-I was living in limbo. He told me mixed messages, "don't call, at least right now", "see you on the site we met", etc. We had actually arranged to "meet" on a site the next night but he wasn't there. I resisted the urges to call again, so that phone call was my last contact, 2 weeks ago. Even though I know that the A as it was is definitely over, in the back of my mind is that little hope that I could still talk to him now & then. I haven't seen him on the site we met. He doesn't have my phone numbers & if his pc is being recorded he wouldn't be able to e-mail me. So....... as much as I want to let it go, part of me is still wondering if he wants contact or not. I feel as though there wasnt a goodbye or final end. That is torturing me.

His W was more insistent (and maybe wiser) than my H, and gave him ultimatum, me or her. I would not want him to choose me. Neither of us ever intended to leave & destroy our families. I think we both were in denial that this was an actual A, believing instead that we were friends filling each other needs. We live 2000 miles away from each other! He & W had PA's about 5 yrs ago, and had told me that she still hadn't forgiven about that. So he has a history of adultery anyway. But even with all these facts, why am I still so drawn to him? I KNOW, it's the needs he was filling for me. Why do I feel I need to finalize it with him? I have to admit that part of me wants to know that this has been hard for him, too, that he misses me. Or maybe I want to know that he is a scumbag and has simply gone on to his next "victim". I really don't know what to think. But there is this need for finality for me.

I have gone over the call a hundred times in my head. If he doesn't answer do I leave a message? What message? Or do I hang up and try later? Then what? Maybe send a final e-mail? But what if I'm blocked and he doesn't get it? Why can't I just let it go??!!

My choices seem to be 1) be strong & make the decision for myself that it's over or, 2) be weak and succumb to his power over me.

my vote is:

be strong & make the decision for myself that it's over or,

that is what i call finality.

cards, i posted to you earlier but then due to struggles in my own life, i've been scarce. i do hope you find that strength!!!

Cardsonly.
Thanks for sharing more of 'your story'...

Dr Harley says 'online romances' are an epidemic so don't, for a second, feel like you are alone.

You and the OM were both filling emotional needs for one another; it is hard for you to accept that part of your life is over.

If it makes you feel any better, your NOT contacting him is making him WONDER about you, think of and miss you more than if you were 'chasing him'with continual emails and calls.
You are remaining a MYSTERY to him although I am sure he knows how you feel by that phone conversation 2 weeks ago.

He has probably accepted you are a 'fantasy lover' and that nothing can or should ever come of it and he is moving on with his wife and his life.
He apparently doesn't want to lose her, just as YOU do not want to lose your husband.

There is an Anne Murray song that makes me think of you...I will look up the lyrics and post it here in a little bit.

I hope you are FEELING that many here, SINCERELY care about you.

Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That's my vote, too Finally. And as I re-read what I wrote I am amazed by my turmoil. There was NEVER any chance of giving up my H & family, but WHY do I even consider keeping up this friendship? It is so illogical that I can't even process it! Heart vs Brain!

Thank you, also, Gentlsoul for your support.

Hi Cards...good on the vote. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Did you get my note above or we both posting at the same time?
Love, Julie Jo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Here is the song I was thinking of:

Anne Murray Let's Keep It That Way


Without me half trying, I could love you
It shows in your eyes
That you feel the same way I do
But wherever I go, my conscience goes
What more can I say
It's only desire, not yet a fire
Let's keep it that way

Chorus
'Cause I don't want to have to tell him a lie
When I get back home
'Cause it would tear apart his fairy tale world
If I did him wrong
And lying to him would hurt me more
Than leaving you this way
So before we forget, we're not cheaters yet
Let's keep it that way

Let's finish this wine
'Cause I'm not thinking too clearly tonight
And the touch of your hand
Makes it so hard for me to tell wrong from right
He waits at home and he's there alone
And though I'd like to stay
Before I give in
Let's call it just friends
And keep it that way

Cardsonly,

Did you read my post to you earlier today? Don’t contact OM! You CAN do this! As FL said, be strong & make the decision for yourself that it's over… The desire to get ‘closure’ etc. is normal, but it is all feelings. Don’t pay attention to your feelings right now. The most important is to do the right things in spite of your feelings... Feelings can be very deceptive and feelings is the reason people get involved in A’s…
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>But even with all these facts, why am I still so drawn to him? I KNOW, it's the needs he was filling for me. Why do I feel I need to finalize it with him?

Why can't I just let it go??!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cardsonly, you feel all these things (are still drawn to him and can’t let go etc.) because you are still in WITHDRAWAL from him... Remember, this IS like an addiction. But if you continue with NC and do the right things, your feelings will start to fade with time and patience. This is not something that will happen overnight, but with commitment from your side, it will happen eventually and you WILL get over the OM… Remember, TIME and PATIENCE (much of it)! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Suzet

You ALL are angels. Suzet, yes I read your earlier post. I know you are right, you must think it's like banging your head against a wall! I got strength from the scripture verse and I need to turn to God for help. I have not been able to do that, I suppose the guilt has stopped me. I go to church every week, but during the time of this EA I felt like a stranger in the pew.

BlessedTime, thank you for saying what I needed to hear about OM probably missing me. Whether it's true or not, it lessens the pain. The song touched me and started the tears. Maybe the crying is a sign that I am accepting the loss finally.

Thank You!

I have a question about my EA OM that I think will help me withdraw from him. I understand that my addiction to him happened because he was constantly contacting ME, showering me with attention. What was his addiction to me? I didn't generally contact him, he always found me. Is there something to the fact of him acting on his impulses? Could it really be just the conversation as he said? I also told him all along how I was feeling about him as I became attached. Was he addicted to wanting love from me? It seemed like the more I told him my feelings, the more he reciprocated the same feelings back to me. I guess it's likely when I think about the 10 EN's, that's what was happening. I tend to think he had problems expressing feelings in general but he trusted me which gave him a safe place to express.

Somehow I think that understanding this will help. Maybe it's just obsessing. However, I have made it past the most opportune time to call OM today. Hopefully I can keep strong for the remainder of the day. It's helping me to tell myself that since I have his phone number I can call him anytime - so why not put it off a day? Hopefully if I keep putting it "off a day" the urges will lessen.

Thank you for this site-it is so helpful to express these things.

I have a question - My H continues to listen to me when I talk about my Online Ea, but he's wondering why it's taking me so long to move on. He believes LC was about 6 weeks ago, when it was really 2 weeks ago. Do I need to correct the record for him?

I know exactly how you feel cards. I'm in the fog myself after a 1yr EA online. I'm hoping it will lift soon and I won't think about him. I'm glad to hear someone else feels as confused as me!

Sorry you all not to get off topic. But this came to mind. Happened to my husband and I about 5yrs ago. In RE: to online relationships. At the time my husband and I were not married. We lived in sin. Oh what sin it was. Here is an example: lol He met this woman online. I knew something was going on. He would sign off everytime I came into the room. (hint) We seperated for almost 4 months. Right before Christmas. That was tough. Anyway he brought this woman from California to Missouri. He thouht she was beautiful. Oh MY!! When he met her at the airport she was 6.1' tall and about 230lbs. She was wearing a dress with tennis shoes. She was sending pics that were either not her or from years ago. He didn't have the heart to leave her at the airport. But made arrangements for her to go back early. This was around valenines day. He bought her a gold ring and she bought him a gold plated ring. My stepson tells me when he saw her he couldn't believe it. Reminder, I am not a model but I am 5 4' and 120lbs. I thought that was the funniest thing that could of happened. Now he has to meet women in person (at a bar). Dosen't trust the internet. HEY!! If you don't laugh you will cry. To me it is nothing more than spilt milk. Hope you all find the humor in that story that I do today. If I would have only known then what I know now.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: LostWife ]</small>

Cards,
If you ever wanna chat I'm on yahoo:winniebini