Win Bin, I would like to hear about your story & talk with you further. Maybe we can help each other. Thanks

I'm not sure I'm ready to tell my story yet. I'm still in contact, somewhat with the OM online sometimes, just not on the phone anymore. H just found out 2 weeks ago and contacted OM, though he knew all along that OM and I were friends. I'm still dazed I guess, but I'll get there and fill you all in.

Win Bin, I understand the dazed & confused feeling totally. That's what I am and have been for weeks. I was in a total fog during the height of the online EA. Not even sure how I did the rest of my life with the kids, holidays, etc. Now I'm sort of in between, trying to focus on family, but still have OM in my head to much. Thanks for posting.

Cards,

Here's a book for you to buy "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's recommended by the Harley's and gives excellent information on EAs like yours.

Also I think you should consider counseling to help you understand your particular situation better. It will help your husband as well.

Absolutely you need to set the record straight as far as when your last contact with OM was.

Radical Honesty it's called, and of the utmost importance in rebuilding your husband's trust in you.

It's a big mistake to deceive him at any level. Please get help for this - you have the opportunity to make your marriage way better than it was before the affair; if and only if you learn the LESSONS of the affair.

It's not a game and you could lose your husband, family and life as you know it...Get busy girl!!

Edited to add - Counseling with Steve Harley is as good as it gets! He'll coach you with a marriage recovery plan that will keep you too busy to worry much about OM! Check out the details on this website~

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

Hi Cards...i know EXACTLY how yyou feel ...i too just finished an internet affair, only i was the one who was caught.I met a man and we were just friends but after 5 months of online chatting, sending pics and talking on the phone, feelings developed obviously not planned.My husb was devastated when he found all of our emails on the hard drive of our pc.The OM and I had alot in common-we both had been cheated on , we both are married and have kids and we were like kindred spirits.anyways i do have to tell you that it is very normal to grieve that loss of your affair as i was told by my counsellor..so please give yourself lots of time to do this.I truly feel that if you don't you are hurting yourself....

Thank you CSue. I leafed through Not Just Friends last weekend at the bookstore and then tried to get it at our library, but they don't have it. I will have to go back to the bookstore. I have been trying to read everything I can, and sometimes the books don't exactly fit the situation of the online EA.

Summer, would like to know more about your story, too. Like you, my online OM & I have much in common and often said we were living the same lives. That's making it very tough now. It would be great to hear from you again. Thanks to all who are helping me.

Hello Cards,
Just wanted to say WOOHOO! to you for another day of No Contact.

Sounds like you are doing a lot of great things by reading and talking to others. Good for you.
GS

i second the WOOHOO!!!

have you ever heard of a book called In the Shadows of the Net by Patrick Carnes. i have not read it but i heard good things about it. if you go to that page it also lists some others.... one called, Infidelity on the Internet: Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal.

keep up with NC cards!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Suzet, yes I read your earlier post. I know you are right, you must think it's like banging your head against a wall! I got strength from the scripture verse and I need to turn to God for help. I have not been able to do that, I suppose the guilt has stopped me. I go to church every week, but during the time of this EA I felt like a stranger in the pew.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Cardsonly…I don’t think it’s like banging my head against a wall…not at all… In fact, I have much empathy and sympathy with you. Why? Because, I have been where you are today and I experienced the same feelings of guilt & shame towards my H and God, grief from the lost of XOM and his friendship, etc. And like you, I also had the intense need to get ‘closure’ before I was able to put it all behind me 100% and move on… If you interested you can read all about it here (General Questions board) and here (In Recovery Board). I have struggled with withdrawal and residual feelings for XOM for 18 months before I was finally recovered.... This is why I’ve said you must give it much time and patience. As someone who have been where you are today, I can tell you there IS hope and you CAN heal from this. This is the main reason why I posting to you, to give you HOPE during this difficult time… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

SUZET, are you still up? I have a question to ask you?

Thanks

LostWife, yes, I'm still up. What is your question?

LostWife, I noticed you haven’t responded and send your question yet (I’m just curious <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). I’m knocking off from work in half an hour, so if I don’t hear from you before then, I will check this thread again on Monday and respond to you (or sometime during the weekend if I can find the time).

Suzet

Here I am again! I made it through the week with NC to online OM-15 days. I truly believe I would not have been able to do it without this site & caring people. Since I discovered & posted last weekend, I have devoured the advice & readings and it has been a lifesaver during this time. I have to admit that for over a week I planned in the back of my mind to call AP by the end of this week, in hopes of talking & setting up a time to "talk" online. This afternoon was my last opportunity to call until MOnday. I left work, sat in my car, and had my cell phone dialed to his number. I had rehearsed the conversation in my mind, but realized I didn't really know what I would say. Amazingly, I didn't "send" it. I hung up. I immediately felt empowered, as though it were a turning point. Now, I know that I will not call him on the weekend, so I have 2 more days to continue to get strong and hopefully resist contact.

Suzet, thank you for directing me to your story about NC. It is quite lengthy, but I got through much of it. I will read the rest this weekend. I can identify with your thinking as I continue to want that closure. It is hard to hear that closure is ridiculous, especially for my situation where everything was left open. I have a great need to express to OM.

I did write to OM (without sending) my feelings today and have found that it helps to get it out? I do wonder though, does that really help??? When I do that it brings up all the memories of the relationship? Is that really helpful, or does it just pull me back in to thinking of him? HELP?

cards,

You are inspiring me with you stength to resist contacting OM. I haven't gotten there yet, as I sit up late waiting for him to show up. I know he won't at least, but doesn't stop me from waiting, still. I've had NC for 5 days, thou I have emailed him, does that count? It's a relief to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I know it gets easier each day, that's what I count on.

winbin, please write again. We have a lot in common.

QUESTION about NC & Withdrawal. Please define No Contact. Is contact only when there is a direct 2-way connection? Is e-mailing out with no response back considered contact? Is calling and leaving messages considered contact? I write e-mails without sending them, which is not contact, but I sometimes feel that while this allows me to express it also dredges up all the old memories and keeps me enrapt with thoughts of OM.

Are there stages of the withdrawal, or is it just a fading of the depression, anger, etc?

Thank You!

Hi Cards! Congrats again on not hitting the "Send" button. Keep fighting. I know just how hard it is, but it is a conscious choice.

IMO, contact can be one way or two way. Sending e-mails or calling, even if OM doesn't respond, is contact. You set up your mind that he might respond, you sit and hope he does, you practice what you will say when he responds, yada yada yada. You in a sense, go back to square 1. Your mind gets filled again with the hormones or other drugs that give you that "rush" of adrenaline. Then, if you want to break free of the A or he doesn't respond, you have to start withdrawls all over again.

If you think it helps to write down your thoughts, you might think about a journal instead of letters/e-mails to OM. But, I speak from experience in saying that writing down my thoughts about OM was just another way to obsess for me. And most importantly - recovery means no more secrets from your H. Would you write these letters if he was sitting next to you? Probably not, so there is your answer.

It is healthy to "get it out", and perhaps you should think of Individual Counseling. It really helped me sort out a lot of things and gave me strength. Still doing that.

I also focused on replacing thoughts of OM with things that gave me good thoughts on where I was going. I thought of my children, all the great things my H is, all the good times we had and how much I wanted my self-respect back. It's time to let go of OM and keep telling yourself that. Eventually, you will get back the feelings for your H, but it is going to take some time.

I don't know if there are stages of withdrawl, but I think it is like depression. Denial, bargaining, depression, anger. I can tell you the most intense withdrawl symptoms stopped around five weeks for me. I'm at eight weeks now and confess, I still feel it although not as intensly. I hope that doesn't discourage you, but the thought of going back to square 1 again and starting over gives me hives. I wouldn't do the first five weeks for anything!

My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant, which I had never taken before, but it did help. Otherwise, the more the withdrawl you experience, the more depression sets in, then the withdrawls get worse, then the depression gets worse...you get the cycle.

Hang in there Cards. It gets better. I'm focusing on my marriage now, more than I ever have in my life. It feels so much healthier and I'm getting back my sense of self. Have a long way to go still, but it can't get better until OM is gone from the picture and withdrawl is over.

And Win Bin - you can do it too. It's there for the taking. Come take the jump with us.

I am rooting for you both.

gentlsoul, I had a feeling you would say that about NC and the writing. I think I'm feeling, too, like it just helps me obssess. It's a way for me to not let go. I have this compulsion to want to write the history of the EA in my mind. I seem to want to know where his head is. I guess that's the withdrawal and obssession. My emotions tell me that I need to totally understand his side. That's what I'm thinking the closure is. I think about all that and make myself crazy wondering what the real story is with him! Is that normal? I go from hating him, caring, being angry, on and on it goes.

YES, focus on other things & remember it's about ME not HIM, right??!!! THANK YOU for your words of encouragement!

Yes, it is normal to go through swings in how you feel about OM. NC means being totally in the dark about OM and what he is thinking. I sense you are a caring person like me, and it is difficult to just coldly end a relationship like this.

BUT, we have to. It's a relationship that cannot be, unless you are both single. Ask any single person and they will tell you how most dating relationships end very coldly.

From what you've said, he stopped being in contact with you after his W laid down the ultimatum. There is your answer as to what he is thinking. He wants his W and to be married. Isn't that enough to know? If you hear him say how sorry he is, how he misses you, wouldn't that make it harder to separate from this man?

If you are like me, you are experiencing grief from the loss of the OM. The first stage of grief is denial. I said to myself I wanted "closure" but I think really I wanted a hint as to whether there was still any chance he was thinking of calling me or if he was still thinking of leaving his M. I didn't call and am glad I didn't.

Try and not think about OM's "turmoil." He has a wife to help him. It is indeed now all about you and your family. You have a H and he is probably hurting too, right? Think about reaching out to him. It's therapeutic. He needs you.

Thanks cards and gentle for your support. I'll try to give a brief history of my situation. I'm 37 and been married 15 years. I've been with H since I was 16. He would play video games for 5+ hrs every night while I would sit alone watching tv. He would also take vacations with his friends and be gone 10 days, even though he knew I was not happy about it. After 5 or so years of neglect from my H, I realized I was bored and lonely and began chatting, harmlessly online.He was happy when I was chatting and not nagging him for attention. I also began flirting with guys for fun and H was aware of this and had no trouble with it. He would sit in the same room and see what I was doing.

About a year ago I met OM, which I should call OGuy because he's 20. We met just talking about music and became close. We soon began talking on the phone when we could which became very intimate. H knew we were friends and chatted and he was ok with online contact. But I didn't realize I had fallen in love with OG. He was giving me attention I was lacking and had the same interest in music as me.

2 weeks ago I left my chat open and hub read through much of my emails and messages. He contacted OG, and it was all out. Though, they did decide that under different circumstances they would be friends because they have common interests in music. I had talked to each about the other and had even shared their songs with eachother (both musicians). 2 Peas in a pod, somewhat.

I'm still going through withdrawl, anger, and confusion about how I feel about H. But I'm glad to find this site and we are both willing to try and fix long standing problems of selfishness and neglect. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

Win

Cardsonly, I am so thankful you started this thread and I see I am not the only one.

Let's hold hands together and help one another up as we struggle to end these online affairs.

We are a group of SMART ladies that foolishly got
caught in an email affair (or chat) with another man. (Maybe it is like someone that takes drugs and likes the 'high' and keeps on taking them and when they STOP the withdrawal pain is awful.)

We willingly walked into this TRAP for the thrill and excitement of this secret romance.
We soaked up the compliments, attention and affection like a sponge, didn't we?

I bet today I have checked my email 50 times, hoping for a message from him.
Do you guys still do that? I last heard from him Wednesday night, but I can tell it is ending.
I guess I am just wanting him to throw me a crumb of attention.

I feel so ashamed for letting this happen to me. Never in a million years, if you had
told me last year that I would be involved with an older classmate from high school, I
would have said "NEVER".(I am 48, he is 57)

We started emailing after our school's alumni, I think I pursued him as I wrote the first email and he sure responded. He was a widow man for a year and sure liked me a lot and has been so wonderful to me.

However, he has been in Florida this winter and has met a lady that he says 'Is very special and they get along so good'....His emails are getting farther apart, I think they may be staying together.

So now it is my turn for rejection.
And the part that makes me ashamed is I AM THE MARRIED LADY, it should have been ME that stopped this email affair, not him.

I go on with my life, like normal...No one knows this hurt I am feeling inside and YES I DESERVE TO HURT...I have not told my husband.

I am a Christian and I have been sinning with this man.
Any time we do anything we wouldn't do with our H right beside us, is SIN.

My stomach feels like it has this knot in it ALL THE TIME, I wonder if it will ever go away.
Yet I know from past heartaches, that it will get better.

So I am joining you gals in no more emails, although I know if he writes me, I will reply.
Do you think you would or are you strong enough not to reply or to just write one last time and say GOODBYE and please don't contact me anymore.
Thanks for the memories, have a good life!

I just really really miss him as I know you that have had online romances do also.

Mary

<small>[ March 05, 2005, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: ItWon'tRainAlways ]</small>