Does anyone have success stories they can share with me? I am looking for bad situations that turned around. How long did it take? Had you filed for divorce? What was the marraige like before and after?

Am looking for some hope. My situtation looks bad.

Hi Keith,

Have you tried summoning the elders on the Recovery board? You might have better luck there.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Um, hello (waving)!!! I dunno how much worse our story could've been...and I'm so in love with my fwh now that it's very nearly unbelievable.

- Kimmy

2 OCs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , whom I love with every atom of myself

Hi BH

My story is short , and my W never physically left but it was very nasty for a while, and had all the soap opera elements in them of lust betrayal , suicide attempts and tragic death. I never DREAMED we'd be recovering 7 months on, but we are. My story is told here through the posts of the forum elders that spoke to ME and YOU too.

Our M was brilliant for 16 years but the previous year had been a challenge. Squids Mom was diagnosed with cancer, Squid turned forty and reacted very badly and my job took me away a lot. Last years was S*T even without the affair. WITH it, It was awful.

Now our M is better than it has been in years, and we are working on recovery slowly but surely while we deal with other sadness in our lives.

All blessings

********************************************

My story gets referred to quite a bit on these boards, not because I am special but that my story was TYPICAL. The untypical bit was that everything happened pretty fast and I managed a close adherence to MB advice thanks to the wonderful people on these boards and some grit I never knew I had. Oh and God's intervention of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

With so many posts and the search facility not being so brilliant I thought I'd gather important stuff together that may help new BS.

These links are not to show up MY posts but to READ the FANTASTIC advice I received in these threads and the
outcome that was achieved. I hope they give you confidence that you are not alone, that your life WILL get better SOON, and that MB applied properly CAN help get your baby back.

God bless you in your efforts to recover your marriage.

Firstly an introduction, who the heck am I ?

So who is Bob Pure?

My dear wife of 18 years ,Squid, had an affair that I found out about on d-day July 22 2004. I wasn't in good shape

then , maybe just like you now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> :

How did I feel on D-day ?

I was blessed by finding Marriagebuilders only three days after d-day. My early posts show my state of mind and heart. My dear Squid had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a snarling, spitting thing that made no sense,
and hated me, our kids, friends, relatives...everyone but OM. The fog was thick and I had no idea what to do: Look at
my desperation and misery BUT ALSO at the WONDERFUL advice and care this stranger got from MBers ! You are NOT alone
on MB ! There are Angels here !

And they were not talking only to me but to every desperate Betrayed Spouse that ever reads this !

Note how generous in support are the FWS on this site. Do NOT be mean to them because infidelity hurt you. It hurt them too. You will NEED their insights. I learned from them how my Squid was feeling when she couldn't tell me herself. Their insight and support was central to our recovery.


See my early posts show hopelessness BUT see the uplifting advice from MBers, old and new alike !

First hopeless mess thread

I was soon pointed at a FANTASTIC resource on this board - WorthATry's Quickstart for new Betrayed Spouses. This thread has saved more than one life I am sure.

New BS READ THIS and digest it. THIS and prayer are all you need for a while.

WATs WONDERFUL guide to new betrayed spouses

It made me read every word on the site which made me buy "surviving an affair" by Willard Harley. I soon began to implement 'Plan A'.


Plan A advice from experts

Plan A is an exercise in hope and fear control as it is in stopping the affair. It has a massive secondary benefit of delivering self-control and self-determination to the BS too !

BS can get impatient with plan A, when really exposure is needed.

Experts stop my impatience with plan A

Here is a wonderful reasource again from friend WorthATry describing the process and benefits of exposing the affair to the OPs spouse and others.


WATs guide to affair exposure 101

Exposure was the most effective and satisfying tool against teh affair that I used ! Melody Lane , Pepperband and WAT almost bullied me into doing this when I was weak and felt like exposing would drive my wife away from me into the arms of her lover.

Wierd affair dynamics with WS
You can expect nastiness from your WS BUT exposure is important for all parties affected. And tell me the thought of OP dodging crockery for a day or two doesn't make you smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WS and OP don't like exposure much...uot;images/icons/smile.gif" />

Fog from WS after exposure....

Remember that you are not the only innocent hurt party in the affair Doesn't OPs spouse ( if there is one) deserve to know what they're married to ? In my case sending proof of PA to OM s GF was the catalyst that sent OM into therapy and their relationship on the road to recovery. NEVER feel that exposing is immoral JUST BECAUSE it feels good.

OM GF begs for proof of affair

SO...if starting plan A and exposing gets your baby back home with you (as I was blessed to find) you have work ahead of you, dear BS. You may be tempted and think " is it worth it?"

Is it all worth it? temptation of BS in Plan A

Your FWS will probably suffer withdrawal fom their feelings of addiction to the affair and OP. You must support them through this, even though it hurts you so badly.


Suzet's wonderful guide to withdrawal


You think " I don;t want this betrayer back"

Don't particularly want her back


You will wonder if your FWS will ever love you again...
Will she love me again? Am I second choice?

You may find you are tempte dto settle for teh easy way, and cease recovery as soon as your WS is back in yoru arms BUT DO NOT ! Strive for a GREAT marriage for both of you !
Do not give in too easily through loneliness

You may feel you can never be part of a couple again

Each of us is alone in this life


After a while, MB concepts like POJA and PORH become part of your vocabulary with your FWS
POJA even important stuff like contact with OMW

And you find yourself after WS withdrawal in recovery. In Plan A or plan B you had only one objective - stop the affair. Recovery is just as hard, but less easily targetted.

You may feel that although life is imporving yoru WS is not as contrite as you would hope for or expect, they may be affected by one of the many complex emotions suffered by FWS. You may not see it now,but affairs are hard on them too. There are no easy lives after an affair.


Get inside a FWS head

as a FBS, you will find everything against your instinct that is successful. Amongst the hardest things I did was forgive my Squid. But I got back more than i could have dreamed.

Discussion on total forgiveness

And you may find yourself taking mor eblame than you deserve for the poor M which may have led to your WS affair

Isit all my fault ?

If you have scanned through for some of these I hope you may have seen parallels with your own seemingly hopeless sitiation.

Well, I am here to tell you that you CAN get your baby back and be happier than ever. My Squid loves me again and is working on our marriage in a loving and mostly fun environment.

Take heart, new BS. Your heart CAN be mended. Follow the advice of the wise folks on this board.

My story is a success.

H was involved in a long-term A of almost 2 years with a much younger, single woman whom he thought was the love of his life.

It brings back too many bad memories to review the whole story.

To make a long story short, he came back home and left again twice. Recovery began after I had been in PLAN B for about 3 months, had almost bought a new house on my own, thinking it was all over.

My H is very much in love with me again, calls me hourly, gives me lots of presents and attention and love.

During the A, after exposure, etc. he told me he hated me, never loved me, "face it, it's all over"....

Our marriage is better than its ever been. Unbelievable! If you had told me that this was going to happen, I would have called you a liar.

Our recovery- of 2 years in September 05- is almost a miracle. It only has happened because I didn't give up and followed the MB SYSTEM.

OOPS! Double Post....

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I don’t want to Jinx my situation by calling it a success story and I certainly have read here that so many others are so much worse off than me. But I think I am safe now in stating that my FWH and I will get through this. Our marriage is stronger, closer and more secure that before the A.

In our former marital state, my H always felt that I was indifferent to him, ie. didn’t care whether we stayed married or not. Although that wasn’t true, I let him think it was. I made no effort to meet any of his needs. I am not excusing his A, but have certainly accepted how it happened and how I played a role in what ultimately developed.

He tried, literally for years, to discuss the state of our marriage with me, I refused. Eventually, he began to look elsewhere for the things that I was denying him. At first, it was sort of a game for him. He looked up former girlfriends and began corresponding with them. He looked at this as a just in case situation initially.

Then, in 2001, a former college classmate moved back to the US from overseas. Because she needed the income, he hired her as a free lance writer. Since she resided on the West Coast and we on the East Coast, their contact was only via email and phone. Over time, and I am not sure when the line was crossed, or who crossed it first, they began an EA. The EA progressed to the point where OW separated from her H. Beginning in Jan 03, she began to coax my H into a PA which began in Apr. 03.

There is no defending his actions, he made a choice. Initially, I think he was pretty guilt-free, no matter what he says. All of the symptoms of the A were there, I was either too naïve to see it, or in denial. By July, he was starting to show serious strain and I sensed something was really wrong, but still didn’t open my eyes. In Aug, he started to pull back from the A. She pushed forward and started to threaten him with informing me. He took the easy way out and let her keep him in the A rather than come clean with me.

Things went from bad to worse and even though I still didn’t know for sure, didn’t look for the evidence that was everywhere I looked if I had wanted to see it, but I was ready to simply throw in the towel on our marriage. He continued to resist and try to escape, she became more and more unglued, frequently flying across country and surprising him at his office. Following a West Coast trip in Oct, H ended the PA, but continued the EA. In Nov OW again surprised him with a visit, but he did not succumb to her advances and refused to sleep with her.

On 1 Dec, via email, he ended the A. I learned of the A accidentally the next day. Funny, he had planned to tell me the following week while we were on a trip together. Of course, he would never have been able to wait that long, even if I hadn’t found out. OW was planning on contacting me anyway.

NC with her was immediate and total on his part. Although he did feel guilty about hurting her, over time he came to the conclusion that she never really cared about him, or he her. When he ended the A, he did so because he didn’t want to be with her no matter what happened with me.

Dday for me was about the worse day of my life. However, there have been some days which haunt me more. Even tho my FWH never loved the OW, never planned on leaving me, always realized that it was me he loved, and still planned on spending the rest of his life with me. It still hurts. I came to this site starting last month because I wanted someone to tell me that someday I would forget. I didn’t hear that. What I did hear was that over time, it would hurt less. Being here on MB helps so much. I don’t feel I can burden friends (actually haven’t shared the sit with any one not here on MB). Plus, they just wouldn’t understand. So, does it hurt less, just a little less, but that is a start.

Has the struggle been worth it? Absolutely. I do not believe that I could ever love anyone else. Do I believe that either one of us would again be a WS? NO.

Thank you all for sharing. Would love to hear more stories.

Hello MB'ers,

I thought I would write a post....

D-day was 3-11-04. We were together for 22 years, no kids. It took 7 months of Plan A, two Plan B's, lots of work on me, faith. IC/MC with SH, reading everything--to be at this point, four months into recovery.

FWH told me all the standard stuff: we weren't compatible, he wasn't happy, and lastly he needed to miss me. He just left on an overseas trip; I'll join him in two weeks. The last thing he told me when he left was "I miss you already. I can't wait to be with you." That was a huge milestone. FWH would never have told me that even pre-A.

I just wanted to give hope to those out there this weekend. I was there too... with Dday Ann right around the corner...I remember how I cried and cried. FWH told me he wanted to come back home, but contact continued. I was not sure how it was going to all turn out. If you had told me...this is where I would be in one year...I would have hoped, but not believed it. FWH even called OW weird so it helped defog him and kept him from recontact when he had a sighting of her last week.

I was where many of you are, but MB works because it made me strong and gave me hope one way or another..single or married. More importantly, MB helped work on a better me and now incredibly, a better us.

Keep the faith and take care of you..

I do! I do!!

Married 18yrs.(at the time).H went through a MLC when we were hitting close to 40. He got a ear ring,took up smoking, drinking and hanging out with the much much younger crowd at his job.Our D was 17 then he listened to HER music and totally humiliated her with his new friends! Also his mother had taken ill suddenly (and later passed away) and he got depressed over that.

Long story short.......we started having problems. He got angry at God for not making his mother well,etc.. He had a EA with a person from work. It never went any farther (she had a live-in and took my H as her confidant to help with THEIR probs).

Anyway, we separated in Oct. I filed in Nov. We divorced in Feb. and we were back together in May.
I actually fell apart in the beginning. Begged, cried, all the pitiful things we SHOULDN'T do.

Then I decided I wanted to move on. I had filed for D and I had NO contact with him until Feb. when we went to court. Then again no contact until May when our D fixed us up on a date. After much begging I agreed to go.

We remarried over a year later and things have been awesome since. We have been remarried going on 4 yrs..Time heals alot of things.

He had rewritten the M while we were separated and I truly didn't know him anymore. It's amazing the looney things they can come up with to justify their leaving!

Time apart is what it took for us to get back together.