Ok, my next step in this DV is mediation. My lawyer called me yesterday and she seriously isn't concerened about my STBX getting custody. She says that it ive VERY unlikely. I have to decide what I want to do about my home. I want to stay here but my STBX is trying to force me to sell it so he can get his share of the sell. It's all about money to him. I just don't want to rip my son up out of his home and have to change schools....he's going through enough right now.
What do I need to know about mediation???? Any advice?????

Hi TR!!

I am an atty in Texas, and I have been in quite a few mediations, including some family law ones. Just remember that mediation is only a method of trying to come to a negotiated settlement.

Unless there is something specific you need to say, let your atty do the talking, that is what you are paying for. Listen to your atty, she is the one who is familiar with the laws of your state.

I do want to tell you one thing: You probably will not get everything you want. I have never met anyone who was completely satisfied with their divorce. It is just too painful of a process. Just try to remember that things will work out.

IsIt2Late..
Thank you!!! I'm preparing myself that I will be dissapointed. My main concern is my son. My STBX is trying to get full custody even though he is the one that left us. We live in a nice neighborhood and my son has many friends here. We love it here and don't want to leave but if I get my son and can't keep my home....I can llive with that. My son is my main focus here!!!

TR,

I posted to you once before, some time ago now,about my Mediation experience but I was "ignored" and watched you respond to everyone else on the thread.So,in the essence of helping other's I will once again try to give you some perspective from my case.

If you own your home jointly,your WH cannot force you to sell.He can however make things more difficult so encouraging him to do this without huge costs incurred from adversarial Lawyers and time IS in his favor too.In my case,I am staying in the home and my WH is going to get his share of the equity( I am buying him out) once my DD's are out of college.This way,the children are not uprooted again from their home,school and friends and we maintain the staus quo.I know my WH doesn't really care about me but he does care enough about the kids to make sure that we are doing all we can to keep the kid's lives as stable as possible when it comes to this issue.

Regarding custody,well,in my case again I am in favor because my WH lives 4.5 hours away and cannot be involved with the kids more than EOW and a week of Summer time vacation.So,it's natural that I am geting full Physical custody,joint Legal custody.I was also in favor because I was the primary caretaker and SAHM and a court will look at this,as I have been told,as an issue of what's in the best interest of the kids and if that means making sure they keep the same home,school,town and *routine if at all possible,then that should not be a major problem unless you have a S who makes it his/her mission to make it a problem.

When I do Mediation with our Lawyer,it's just me,my WH and him in the room,no one else.This last time I am going I am hoping for me only to be there at the office and for my WH to be on a conference call.We are working on that and I am almost done.

So,keep positive.All in all,I would say you have a good chance at keeping things as they are.We shall see though.

Good luck to you.

O

Octobergirl....I am so sorry if you felt I've ignored you before. I never meant to do that. I value your opinion and advice!

I am hoping that I will get to stay im my home. So, if I were to "buy" him out does that mean that whenever I sell the home I would give him his share? I don't know how that works.
My STBX is living with the OW but saying that he is living with his parents. My son has no room there of his own. We have a 3 bedroom home here and a community center with a pool, park, tennis courts, etc. I'm hoping all of that works in my favor.
I'll keep you posted.

Hi Tree,

Here's my suggestion having gone through this and basically gotten everything that I wanted through negotiation (although it cost me a lot more than I wanted).

Make sure everything you say and do you validate through saying its in the best interest of your son. Don't personally attack your WH even if he attacks you. Just stick to your guns that what you want is in the best interest of your son and leave it at that. Think about the big picture. Don't worry about the small stuff. House and custody... big picture. Air miles... small stuff. Quite often its the small stuff the derails things. Keep it professional try to think of it as a business deal rather than a divorce.

I'd recommend you stay firm on the custody thing. Make it clear that its best if your son stays with you as he is used to this scenario and it seems to be working fine.

Buying out the house would mean paying your husband his half of the equity in the house in cash. If you have the means to do this, or can borrow the money to do this it'll help clean things up. That's exactly what I did. If you don't have the means then I'd suggest you try for something like OG suggested where you keep the house until your son is grown then agree to sell it and split the equity.

Hang in there and be cool. Its really tough when you have all these emotions jumping around but if you want to negotiate the best settlement for yourself you have to try to keep it from getting too emotional.

Good Luck,

Miker

TR,

Thank you for your apology.You don't really need to give one but it's always been kind of a sore spot with me watching people pour their hearts and souls out to other's here and then not get a response or acknowledgment from the topic starter.I know in many cases it's not intentional and in other's it's just not seen or known as proper message board etiquette( It is for me I guess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )but I find it sad sometimes for the newbies.Anyway,no harm done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Some people are able to buy out their spouses of their "share"(equity) up front but a lot of people also do not have that kind of money saved up right away.According to my Lawyer,he says that many people in my position of going through a D buy the other one out of their "half" usually when the kids are finally out of HS or college.Or,in some cases,by then both spouses agree to sell the home and take their shares and move to say,Florida in a smaller condo or something.Still other's want to move to be near their children and sell the home as soon as they are able.Then there are other's who have to sell the home because their spouse lost a job and cannot find work that allows the same income anymore( a worry of mine that haunts me now with my WH and his previous(recent) working habits/firings after meeting the homewrecker <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

What will be key here I think is if your WH will take into account your SONS needs at least enough to not fight you on the home issue.If he doesn't,he could drag this out in court and try to make you give up your half of the ownership.I really hope that doesn't happen for you.In all honesty,if your WH wants to live with the homewrecking OW now,let HER start helping out with household expenses and leave you and your son alone.

Anyway,do let us know how things go.You and your son should not have to suffer any more pain from your WH.Geesh.

O

Miker...
It is going to be hard but I will try to look at the bigger picture when I'm inmediation. My main concern is for my son....I have to rembmere that while I'm in there face to face with my STBX. I get real emotional when I see him. I guess that's normal.

Octobergirl....
I don't have money to buy him out. I'm hoping he will agree to letting me stay her until my son is older and then he will get his share of the sell of the home. I don't know if he will agree to that though. I just don't understand how he can be so selfish. If he wants to be with thte OW....then go be with her and leave us alone. I will be so happy when this is all over with. In the beginning I thought getting a divorce was going to be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life but I'm starting to look forward to this divorce and will probably go out with friends to celebrate when it's all over with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi TreeReich,
I guess I was one of the lucky ones... When my ex left to be with OM, we'd only refinanced our home about a year before that and we really didn't have any equity in it. Also, I made the most money and she couldn't afford the mortgage payments. Apparently she couldn't afford much of anything else either, because she just recently declared bankruptcy. Anyway, I think because of the guilt she felt and because of the way I've always been, very nice to her, I pretty much got everything I wanted out of our DV. The house, physical custody of our daughters, though they come and go as they please, and joint legal custody. We each kept our car and she got what she wanted out of the house, which wasn't much, and she went on her way. Since then, she's kicked OM out, and then moved to a different apartment. Now that she's alone, our daughters see her more often. My youngest actually stays with her during the week because of school and spends the weekends and holidays with me. I give her money for my youngest and we actually get along pretty well. We don't speak to each other much unless its something about the kids and recently because of taxes, but we are very civil to each other. I'm hoping one day we may be friends again...

Anyway, I just want to say that, if I had been a total jerk about everything, I may have not gotten what I wanted and we'd probably hate one another. But, because I didn't let my emotions get the best of me, I came out ahead. I hope you and your STBX can come to an agreement and leave your marriage in a peaceful manner... Good luck...

Treegal,
I've never been there nor done that but I wanted to say good luck and wish you well.

Mac