WS is firm on going through with the divorce.

(See Just Found Out and GQII for details. I haven't figured out how to link without losing what I wrote.)

She explained that she just can't be married to me anymore, but she wants to keep things as normal as possible for our son. She felt trapped. She's looking at divorce forms now. We'll split everything up financially. We've already figured out where our son will be through the summer. She's friendly when we talk and keeps asking me if I'm OK, and I tell her politely no, but I'll survive. She makes quite a bit more money than me (but we're both well compensated). She's concerned that I can still stay in our house and has proposed sharing some of the burden. She has said she wants to make sure the kids lives are disrupted as little as possible. If we have any complications, I have a lawyer that's been recommended in case I need one.

When I visit I'll stay in the apartment, and we'll do things together. She even suggested having me sleep in her bed, but nothing would happen. WHY SHOULD I NOT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT? I'm sleeping in the guest room.

She thinks maybe we can have a better relationship when we're not married, and maybe we can start dating again. "Who knows,maybe we'll get married again one day", she says.

HAS ANYONE ELSE HEARD THIS BEFORE?????

OUTCOME?? (Actually a previous boss of mine had two wedding anniversarys. He and his wife were divorced for two years and then got married again.)


I'm not taking her back unless she's willing to change some behavior.

We'll do some things together. I assume I will just keep it polite and not give her any of the extra attention I would give my wife. I do have the problem of being human and she is incredibly good looking, but that's not what I want.

Is it that hard to find someone to love and have them love you back? How do you keep from closing your heart? Halfway through 'Surviving an Affair.' Now I need the one that says 'Surviving the Divorce'. I'll pick up Dr. Dobson's book too. I've always wanted to read it anyway. I have a phonecall into a counselor too.

OM is still out of picture for now. I'm going to pick up his stuff when I go over next week and ship it to him. He is apparently not responding to her E-Mails anymore.

My supervisors at work are sad for me, and have offered to help however they can.

Do I still pursue the job in Europe, or stay put. Am I even in Plan B anymore?

My Oldest son called today to ask how things were going. I told him not good, but I didn't give him details. Youngest son calls it the D- word.

Originally posted by SleeplessNSeattle:

Why was D-Day 2 weeks ago and already Divorcing? What the heck!

She explained that she just can't be married to me anymore, but she wants to keep things as normal as possible for our son. She felt trapped.

My wife said the same thing

She's friendly when we talk and keeps asking me if I'm OK, and I tell her politely no, but I'll survive.

She can go to hell as far as I'm concerned. My wife said the same friggin thing. If she really cared why did she have an affair and divorcing you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


She thinks maybe we can have a better relationship when we're not married, and maybe we can start dating again. "Who knows,maybe we'll get married again one day", she says.

HAS ANYONE ELSE HEARD THIS BEFORE?????

My wife said the same damn thing, word for word. I said "if we divorce I am never talking to you again. If I see you in a store I will walk the other way and leave. I never want to see you again.

My wife said "how come you don't want to talk to me again? I said "why should I, I want to get over what you've done to me and never be reminded again."

I'm not taking her back unless she's willing to change some behavior.

We'll do some things together. I assume I will just keep it polite and not give her any of the extra attention I would give my wife. I do have the problem of being human and she is incredibly good looking, but that's not what I want.

My wife is damn good looking with an awesome bod, I still don't want to see her again. I'll find a younger woman with an even hotter bod. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Is it that hard to find someone to love and have them love you back?

No it's not, there are plenty of divorced women out there who have been cheated upon and understand the PAIN involved.

How do you keep from closing your heart?

Real easy, find a woman that loves you and better looking than the EX. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Am I even in Plan B anymore?

I would if I was you.

Yikes SnS that was quick!! How can you be certain she is done w/OM? How do you know they are no longer in C? She is half a world away! It is very possible that she is still in phone or email C.

Normally a WS does not initiate D unless there is a back-up hanging around! Sounds very odd to me.

If this is waht she wants and you don't, I think it is time to go dark to her... withdraw, do not interact, let her see what life w/o you is really like.

((((SnS)))) So sorry to hear of these new developments!

TA made me giggle.

SleeplessNSeattle,

Of course she wants to think you'll be good friends, after all, this isn't her fault and her actions shouldn't negatively affect your son...if it does, it's because you're not being reasonable and cooperative.

I've heard similar schlock from my WW. Don't let her think this will be easy. Breaking up a family should not be easy. Cooperate only as far as it is beneficial to your financial state and your interest in having your son as much as possible. See a lawyer now too, don't wait so you have to scramble for one when it starts to get adversarial. Just remember what your goals are and that he/she works for you, not the other way around.

Edited to add: A separation agreement may be the way to go if she is intent on this. It spells out all the above without legally severing the marriage. I'm operating under one now. They usually become void if you reconcile for a stated length of time.

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

SNS,

I would highly recomend you get Dr Dobson's book and read it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'll pick up Dr. Dobson's book too. I've always wanted to read it anyway </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If she is asking for room that is WSspeak for the A is still on, at least in her mind. He specifically quotes your WW in regards to feeling "caged". As per Dr Dobson let her go. Immediately and without reservation. She is already gone, so you will have lost nothing in your attempt to set her free.

BTW , I would not touch the OM's stuff. Have a friend box it and leave it on the curb.

Yeah I agree...If you don't want to be divorced, then don't go along with it.

I also agree that there must still be contact with OM.

-Caren

Yes, it seems fast, but she's a type A!

You guys were right before, you're probably right now. Additional information I have is that she is really depressed. Lost 5 plus pounds. Isn't eating. Not sleeping. My oldest son has kept in touch with the OM (19 Boy)who said he E-mails my wife sometimes, but she doesn't really respond. He's in U.S. she's in Europe.

So if depression is a sign of withdrawal, she may not be communicating with him.

TA. You are funny. Maybe once the meds kick in I'll be in the mood. Right now I'm just mourning what I lost, trying to juggle my job with too much work and taking care of my 8 year old.

OMs stuff is in Europe with wife. If I don't box it up, she will. I don't have ANY friends over there who will do it. If I don't, my wife will still have it.

I'm just trying to struggle with life without her and trying to maintain some appearance for our son.

Life's busy!

You are right this is moving way too fast. What are the divorce laws in your state? If you don't know, do a seach on the internet to find out. Most WS's state they want a divorce, my FWH talked about it. But once the reality of the situation hits they back off that, its not what they really want. They are unhappy because of the A and they way they are living their lives and believe a D will solve the unhappiness. But since their unhappiness is coming from within, a D will not help.

Stall the divorce and keep doing Plan A. However, there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. Tell her you can't be friends with her if you D. When you visit you will not stay in the apartment, that is not what D couples do. You would not be visiting her, you would be visiting the children. That means no family dinners or outings. Also, focus on yourself. This will make you feel better and make you more attractive to your WW. Work out, go out with friends, if you never use to cook make a big family meal, just make positive changes in YOU.

I know all seems lost right now, but this is far from over.

Kloe's got it.

This is the fog of the D'ing individual...

They think that after D they can have their cake and eat it too. They want a full R with their ex (hey, no guilt if we're still friends) and to be able to date.

Make it VERY clear what it will be like after the D... like Kloe said, there will be no family dinners, no playing nicey-nice, no staying at her place. Let her know your new W would probably not like that. Contact would be about the kids...and that's it. You'll see each other at the kids weddings, bye and have a nice life.

Sounds like she is thinking of D as a Plan B.

Plan A your butt off...what are her EN's you can fulfill? But I wouldn't stay here long...Plan B will give her a taste of what a REAL D would be like. Time to show her before it happens.

One thing I want to warn you though...you can't Plan A and Plan B at the same time. You are either doing one or the other...throw yourself into Plan A, and give it all you've got...
Which includes, exposure, fulfilling EN's, cutting out ALL LB's.


Then move to Plan B, and do it 100%...no contact with her. Go through an intermediary. Burst her fog bubble of you two maintaining a friendship...

OK we're developing a plan here. When I said the divorce is in process. It's mostly in her head. She's looking at the forms online and negotiating how to split up our earthly possessions.

Plan A will run through next weekend when I'll play nice, fulfill Emotional Needs and avoid Love Busters.

Plan B begins when/if she tells our 8 year old we're getting a divorce. I'll have to find a place to stay in an INCREDIBLY expensive city. Might just be part of the D agreement.

I agree she's trying to have her cake and eat it too. I fear she may have been battling depression off and on for awhile now. Have any women out there had severe emotional mood swings due to their monthly cycle? I mean REALLY severe? Any effective hormonal treatments?

I've been holding out in the back of my mind the D may be an initial ploy/reaction to the A, but I don't want to count on it.

Doctor said I've lost 7 pounds. Looks like I might be getting my 6 pack ABS back! Haven't had those since I wrestled in H.S.... 23 years ago!

Onward Christian Soldiers!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'll have to find a place to stay in an INCREDIBLY expensive city. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why should you move out? Let her...then have your plan B letter ready for her the moment she sets foot outside the door. Consequences should be given all at once rather than spoon fed. Let her "drink from a fire hose".

Having said that, separation is not the preferred route to go and should only be considered after all aspects of plan A have been achieved and there is no change. One cannot let the cake eating go on too long. Timing is important.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A will run through next weekend when I'll play nice, fulfill Emotional Needs and avoid Love Busters.

Plan B begins when/if she tells our 8 year old we're getting a divorce. I'll have to find a place to stay in an INCREDIBLY expensive city. Might just be part of the D agreement.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is way too soon for you to even think about Plan B. Plan B only works when followed by a very effective Plan A and two weeks in Plan A is not enough to have any effect. Please read up on these concepts before making any final decisions.

Also why would you have to find a place to stay? No way should you move out of your home, if anyone moves out it is her.

If she brings up D, respectfully tell her you are not interested in a D you want to work on your R. Don't let her bait you into a fight on this, if she keeps insisting tell her you are not willing to talk about this and walk away. This is very typical A talk, don't think your situation is any differnt. It really helps once you realize they are all alike. As I said before this is far from over. You have only begun this process. Please realize this is a marathon not a sprint.

There's more history to that. She's on a four year assignment in Europe. She's been there since Last April. I live in the U.S. and commute over to stay in a company provided apartment when I visit her and my son every two weeks. This all probably started off once she left.

She's alone in Europe without the OM. She calls me from there to talk and share. She'll fly back here to file paperwork.

Europe isn't really big on hiring foreigners like we are. Their unemployment is 9-10% while ours is 4-5% depending on the city. I have a couple of opportunities, but I would still be in a different city a couple of hours away.