Being a BS SUCKS! I'm so tired of dealing with this. I have been pretty bummed the last week and pretty angry the last two days.

It will be a miracle if our marriage survives.

EEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

froz: my FWH said that too, for awhile...

I am sure it is hard all the way around. It is very, very difficult to forgive the one person who you love the most for hurting you the deepest...not impossible, but hard!

Patience will serve you best right now, and if you two are at each other so much that it is impossible to not LB, then some distance will be necessary. Our MC calls it a "therapeutic separation"... just a thought!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> EEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God bless you.

I agree, but something I think about when I get like this is: I am choosing to stay in this Marriage, it is my decision knowing full well what she did. I cannot change that now. So therefore since it is MY choice, I also choose to put more faith and trust feeling It was just a big Mistake, Temp insanity as you will, I however will not tolerate it again. She is way to important to me to not believe in her, If I can change the things in me that helped in her decision, I have to believe that she can change the things that led to her decision. It takes two, And I cannot go on if not trusting that she is willing to work on M, as she is, as well as herself. I do not validate what happened, at all, but I refuse to live with no trust. I will be a little more garded now, but some of that is in my actions as well.
This is what works for me right now, maybe not for all. but I have to have faith in my W. if not, why work on something you have no trust or faith in. JMO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Patience will serve you best right now, and if you two are at each other so much that it is impossible to not LB, then some distance will be necessary. Our MC calls it a "therapeutic separation"... just a thought!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, we're not "at each other" at all, and the distance is pretty darn lonely. It doesn't seem very therapeutic.

He rarely LB's. I, however, have become quite the expert. Consequently, I am currently reading LB.

Hurtnheart:

Could you elaborate on how you arrived at this point? Something in what you said actually reached me and subdued my anger for half a second.

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>

Yea being a BS does suck but we are ALL in it together.

I really wanted to "vent" more than I did, but my FWH posts here, too. I didn't want to LB him publicly, even though I am full of Hatorade.

sorry, froz... no carb no sugar day & my brain ran away... not if you could tell, but I was responding as if I was talking to Patriot, not you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Sorryyyyyy!

Yes, Yes, Yes it sucks!! I have had good days and bad days... today was so-so, ended up crying in Applebees having lunch w/ FWH... something he said set me off.

Also started realizing I was probably reading too much into everything he says! Guess I need to work on that!

and I am a LB pro, so don't feel too bad!

I actually think the therapeutic separation can be appropriate (although I realize he is supposed to be leaving soon, right?). After realizing that I about hated my H (upon finding out he was still chatting w/OW) the MC suggested we needed some space... kind of a life preserver. I probably would have ended up hating him cause I was bout ready to kill the man and seeing him all the time was not helping the anger!

It is 3 weeks later and I actually miss him at night, but it is also nice to have quiet time to reflect w/o having to look at him sleeping in our bed as if all was well. Does that make any sense?

Trust me, I get the anger, the betrayal, the hurt...this is A #2 for him, IT REALLY SUCKS!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Frozen, To tell you the truth, I came to it quite suddenly one day, mostly just following a few threads.
I could have left, in fact, I started packing as soon as I confirmed my suspicions. But I, was very fortunate to be able to get into my IC within an hour of discovery, and was able to collect my thoughts of what I was feeling, and what I wanted to do. I also had the day off, so I was able to think what I really wanted. It would be so much easier,(for me) to have just walked. But after notifying the OM's W, I just thought and thought how I was going to deal with this. Now, this being said, I have the same rollercoaster of emotions that almost every BS has. to the point of AD. But I want my Marriage, D was never an option to me. In my state of normalcy(sp) and reading what other people go through I thought, ya know, I am choosing this, Why? the bottom line is, I LOVE MY WIFE UNCONDITIONALLY! so that means living with her imperfections, her character flaws, (like I don't have any??) I have known her for over half my life, this was not like her. I helped put her in a position like this, NO EXCUSE for her decision, but, She is not perfect. So I choose to be with the person she is, not for her mistake, which I believe deep down she regrets, It is my choice to stay, so I stand by my choice. I meant my vows, to her. I admit this line of thinking is not easy, but nothing worthwile is, right? You have to do what is best for you! not your spouse, family, friends. Just you. And for ME, it is choosing to forgive, choosing to live with my decision to work this out. And that means putting blind faith and trust into someone who, in my case, has been there for me for half my life to let 2 months of finding something I was either unwilling or unable to provide her. That has all changed. Again, I DO NOT justify her decision, but I cannot justify living and sharing my life with someone I can't trust. What is the point. She never lied to me about the PA. I confronted her the second day after. She has not made any attempt to talk to OM about this. She does work in the same Co. as him, but not together anymore, she asked to be taken off the project, she is looking hard to get another job. If we were financially able, she would quit. She tells me when she runs into him. they do not talk except for direct questions regarding work, and that has been addressed by him asking other people.
So, I choose to have faith, and trust in a person and marriage of my choice. MY CHOICE! say it, MY CHOICE! to stay in this marriage, MY CHOICE, to love and trust my w. without it, I have nothing.
I just have to be more aware of the state of me and my marriage. I hope this ramble helps, it does me every time I get down. I still have my issues, but, only time will help these.
I ask questions, some good, some not so good, but people give their opinions none the less, and it is all good. IT all boils down to choices, what you want, I want trust and a good marriage. So that is what I choose to live by.

hnh- "I have known her for over half my life, this was not like her. I helped put her in a position like this, NO EXCUSE for her decision, but, She is not perfect. So I choose to be with the person she is, not for her mistake, which I believe deep down she regrets, It is my choice to stay, so I stand by my choice. I meant my vows, to her. I admit this line of thinking is not easy, but nothing worthwile is, right?"

RIGHT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Exactly!! I, too, have loved FWH for more than half of my life. I, too, helped put FWH in the position where the A seemed like an attractive option. Even after a second A, I have chosen to stay.

Why? For one this all seemed to come on so suddenly...very recent. Also I still see glimpses of that man I fell in love with, he is a sad, sad little boy in there!!

Another? I cannot just turn it off like a switch! The love we shared is so deep, so enveloping...it is worth at least seeing if it is still salvagable...and BTW, after the last A I said "never again"... I need to know that the capacity I have seems to change. It is very hard to know til you are there staring down the beast again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

TNTR, Before A, I always say in (at the time) hypothetical situation, I would leave, I would not put up with this, boy, unless you lived it, you can't say one way or the other, isn't the mind and heart odd? whoda thunk. Not me. But I do not regret my decision to stay., This being said, I told her I Love you, but, I will not go through this again, And right now, I don't believe I will. and I don't beleive it will happen again. Call me gullable or Naive, but, I would rather be like that than to live with no trust in a marriage. You have to have trust. Can trust be broken, OH YEAH, but it can also be earned back. You have to look at the whole package, not the one crack.

Frozen, how are you doing? did my little rant help at all? let me know, maybe I can say something else awh inspiring or something!LOL I don't get the chance to be of help much.

<small>[ March 12, 2005, 01:31 AM: Message edited by: hurtnheart ]</small>

frozen, still wondering about your state of mind?

Sorry it took me so long to respond.

It has been a long weekend. I had to work yesterday and then we celebrated my youngest child's birthday. He is 15. That blows my mind. My little blue-eyed, blond-headed baby boy is now a fifteen-year-old who is almost six foot and weighs close to 200 lbs. My daughter will be eighteen in less than eleven months. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when they are gone. I have been a mother for all of my adult life and part of my childhood. When they are both gone to college I will be only 38.

State of mind? I guess I'm just lonely. We seem to be stuck. Patriot continues to try, as do I, but we never seem able to reach each other. I miss him. I miss us. Sometimes I believe there never really was an "us". There really wasn't. We had that year of getting to know each other and then he began his affair. Now we are married. Why did I marry him after what he did? I now believe I did it simply because I didn't want to let go - of him, of what I thought he was and what I thought we had. That's it. That was a kind of fog - a fantasy. Now we are both left here to deal with the reality.

Nothing seems exciting. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. There is no joy. There is just this ring on my left hand and this new last name on my checks. There is this husband I now have that I cannot seem to get close to no matter how hard I try.

I have been following the OW this week. I wanted to know what she looks like. I park outside Patriot's former workplace and wait until she goes to her car. I have taken pictures of her. I want to see what was there for him. What was so great that it was enough to lure him from me? I haven't seen it yet. All I have seen so far is a somewhat overweight, plain-looking girl who is lacking fashion sense and a good hairdresser. I want to hurt her. I hate her. I want to send her a bottle of shampoo filled with Nair. I just might.

I want my father. MAYBE there is something there. I was adopted as a baby into a family where I did not fit. I was constantly shamed and felt rejected. I was rejected by my birth mother again when I was 20 after searching for her. She wouldn't tell me my father's name. I think I can find out, anyway. The adoption agency has told me that if I get a court order telling them they can release the information to me, they will give me his name. My birth mother lied and told me she didn't give them his name, but she did. I keep thinking maybe, just maybe, he will accept me. A part of me is eager, and another part terrified. If he rejects me, there will be no one left.

This is such a ramble.

Thanks for inquiring about me.

Froz

Good morning frozen.

This is my second attempt to respond to you, I had a good reply, and I was almost done and I lost it all.(how frustrating), don't know that I can say it all again, but what do you do.

I to, have a STB 15 yo son, and a just turned 17 yo D. I just turned 40, it wasn't the best time due to DDay 2 weeks in. I spent the last part of the evening with my buddy CROWN ROYAL!

It is hard for me to relate to most of the people on this site because my situation is so different (to me) but we all share the same issue, the A.

Something I do when I get in a funk over M is to do something nice for my W or to do something fun with the family. I get myself to make good times so that it overides my downtimes. Remember, I chose to stay in it so it does me no good to dwell on what is wrong, but to correct what went wrong. You do this one day at a time, if you can connect with each other a couple times a week, isn't that a start? If you force yourself to be the way you want to be, it will become habit, but it takes 2. I think Patriot want's this to, based on his threads. If you choose to do it, just do it.

Can you help me understand the need to stalk the OW? to me, this serves no purpose other than to infuriate yourself. IMO, alot of people on this site give the OP to much power. In my situation, the OM is and was not the problem, he was just there, he did not force my wife into A. He has nothing to do with my m. My W is a grown woman, who made her own choice. The OM has his own life to worry about. My W is 100% responsible for her self. The OP is just that, the OP. I think once people realize this, it make working on the M so much easier.

I chose to stay in M, Her contact is over W om,again, makes it easier. Why would I follow him around to see what he is like, I already know. I need to work on my M. not his.


With so much going on in your life, what would be the reason, outside of medical reasons, that, at age 38, you would need to find your real father? Would you be able to deal with him maybe not wanting it. I don't know you or how important it is to you, seems if it was that important, you would have done it years ago. I am not trying to sound mean or anything like it, just, You need to be strong for that kind of possible dissapointment, and it doesn't sound like you are there yet, Just a thought.

hope this helps some.

Frozen

I am not going to be nice. If you are feeling weak and sensitive, stop reading NOW.

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If you had posted on MB before you got married ... we MBers would have universally advised you NOT to marry Patriot. Not yet anyway. I would have said you need to wait 2 or 3 YEARS to decide to marry him after discovery of his betrayal.

BUT .... you came to MB after deciding to marry a man who you KNEW betrayed you during courtship.

BIG MISTAKE!

Now you are stuck with your own mistake, not just Patriots affair-mistake.

And it is actually YOURSELF you are pissed off at .... not OW. So just drop all that "nair shampoo" crap.

Ask yourself " Who is responsible for my current situation?"

Answer ---> Frozen made this decision.

So, I for one, am ready for you to take on the responsibility of fixing your mistake.

Trying to compare your adoptive roots to this situation where you volunteered for this misery is pissing me off (I am certain you know my sensitivity for this subject)

Searching for you "roots"???? Why not stand and deal with that which is today and search for you own happiness roots? I guarantee you will NOT be content EVER ... if you continually lay blame for your current unhappiness at the feet of others who may have wronged you in your past.

Powerlessness is currently your garment of choice. And it is ill-fitting on you!

You are married to a man because you said "I do".

NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THAT FACT?

Are you willing to be married and to make the best of it, or not?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but what do you do</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This has happened to me several times with posts. It's quite infuriating. I usually copy my posts before I click "add reply" just in case this happens.

I'm sorry about your 40th birthday. When was it? Interesting that our children are the same ages. We may have to compare notes sometime.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is hard for me to relate to most of the people on this site because my situation is so different</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sure can relate to that. My situation differs in that i married him AFTER the A - like a month after. How does your situation differ?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you help me understand the need to stalk the OW?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Geez, I never thought of it as stalking, but I suppose it is. I guess I just figured I had a right to drive my car wherever I wanted. She invaded my relationship - I felt I had every right to invade her parking lot.

I felt the need to do this for several reasons. One being, I didn't know what she looked like. I wanted to know. I lived in fear that we would run into her sometime and I wouldn't even know it. I also envisioned her being curious about me and coming into my place of work and interacting with me and me being oblivious to it. I have been oblivious for way too long. I also wanted to know what he thought was so great about her.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With so much going on in your life, what would be the reason, outside of medical reasons, that, at age 38, you would need to find your real father?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey now, don't go adding unneccesary years to my age! I said that I would be 38 when both my children went to college. I'm 35 now.

The reason I want to find my father? It's hard to explain. Being adopted is like having no history. It's like not knowing where you came from or who you really are. Some people really take for granted having that history and you don't realize how vital is it unless it's absent. It's absence has left a gaping emptiness in me for my entire life. I think it also has to do with acceptance. It was and still is so painful that my real mother rejected me as an adult. I could always understand her giving me up for adoption as a baby. She was young, etc...But to reject me as an adult, when I wanted nothing from her but love and acceptance was truly a slap in the face. I have this feeling inside me that I just want to lay eyes on one or both of my parents. I can't imagine living my whole life and then dying without ever seeing them. It feels very incomplete.

Would I be able to deal with it if he rejected me? I guess I would have to. It would be very painful. My taking my time in finding him has nothing to do with lack of desire. Part of it is procrastination due to fear. Also, I believed all these years that the only way I could get his name would be from my mother. She told me she didn't tell anyone else, and specifically, the adoption agency. I didn't find out until about three or four years ago that she lied to me. I had a client who worked at the adoption agency and we discussed it once. She told me that she could tell me whether or not she gave his name, but not the name, if she did give it. She did. She also told me that she and my father never had a relationship and that she never told him she was pregnant. The adoption agency told me otherwise.