Hello, this is my first actual post but I am a long time lurker. About 4 years ago I was involved in a EA/PA with a coworker. The PA lasted about 4 months and then the OM broke it off. I was devastated but I decided to come clean and confess to my H. After I confessed we really tried to work on our M and do date nights, etc. We attended a Retrouvaille and it helped me in that it made my H open up and tell me his feelings. He's not usually the type to go into detail about his emotions. Anyway, our M seemed to be doing Ok and we seemed to be getting closer for the first 6 months after d-day. Then it seemed as though our M went back to how it was prior to the A. The problem is that my H never initiates anything in our relationship. What I mean is, when we were doing date night and stuff, I was always the one to do the "research" to find a nice, new place to eat and places to go afterwards. I sat down and told him that it was important to me that he show interest so I didn't feel like I was the only one attempting to work on this M. He can sit and play his video games for hours on end and spend hours researching the newest video game on the internet but when it comes to doing things for us, he never seems to have the time or interest. So, anyway, our M slipped back into the place it was prior to the A.

Then, stupidly, a few months later I found myself involved in my second PA. I remember reminding myself how painful it was the first time around with withdrawal and stuff but I justified to myself that I wouldn't fall in "love" with the new OM and that it wouldn't be painful to end it this time. Well, that was 3 years ago. The OM is married also and he is actually in the process of a divorce. I have tried to break this relationship off many times over the last 3 years but it never happens. My H doesn't know about this new A and I'm not sure that he'll stick around if he does find out. I am not opposed to telling him about it, but I just want to understand a few things first before I tell him so that I will be better prepared to deal with the withdrawal and stuff.

I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what it is about me that is feeling the need to be involved in these A. The things that I can come up with are a lack of self esteem (although outwardly you wouldn't guess that) and a need to have "drama" in my life. I don't know if this makes sense or not. I am now a stay at home mom and my real life seems so boring and so uneventful. The A brings about a fantasy life that seems to be so much more fulfilling than my real life. I know this fantasy life isn't real but I am so scared to end the A and then go back to my boring, real life. I know I probably sound like a whiny baby saying that, but I'm just trying to be honest. I tried counseling awhile ago but it never seemed to work. My H isn't interested in going to counseling with me and he just doesn't seem like he realizes the severity of the problems in our M. He is too laid back when it comes to fighting for our M and I have tried, many times, to tell him that I need this from him.

Currently, I am in the process of trying to end it with OM once again. I feel that this time is a little bit different in that I really feel exhausted by the whole thing and ready to move on with my H and see if we can make this M work. Like I said, I'm a stay at home mom and the hardest thing for me is that I get bored during the day and have WAY too much time on my hands and this is when I break down and tend to contact the OM. My H works in a job where I'm not able to call him during the day when these urges strike. I really want to get out of this A and figure out what the heck's wrong with me. Is it possible that someone can be addicted to drama? One of the counselors also told me once that because my H and I have been together for such a long time (since I was 16) that I never had a chance to date and get that out of my system and so now I'm trying to do what I missed out on. I don't know, I guess that makes sense. I am 29 and my H is 33 and we have been M for 7 years. I love my H but I feel more like he is a friend, then a lover. I don't believe this is the fog talking because I felt this way when we got married as well. I remember on our wedding day feeling scared that I was making the right decision because I wasn't sure if he was the "one" for me but I didn't want to hurt his feelings because I did care about him and I thought that eventually the "love" would come. I know I sound so greedy and I am. That's why I'm here, because I feel bad about my actions and I want to turn my life around.

I know this is a long post and it's probably jumbled and all over the place but I really hope that someone can help me figure out what's going on with me.

Thank you so much!

kmt,

Rather than focusing on what's wrong (finding excuse/blame) for your behavior ... could you tell me what do you really want ?.

-rh-

RH-
First I want to say Thank you for taking the time to post to me.

That's a difficult question because I have asked myself it a million times and I don't know if I ever really came up with an answer. I guess the thing I want is to feel towards my H the way I did the OMen. I don't understand why I could so easily feel these "in love" emotions for them when I don't really ever remember feeling them for my H. I know that "love" is a choice and I have tried to get those feelings for my H but maybe I'm not trying the right things? I know that the R with the OM were based on fantasy and lies and not real life and I know that's what gave them their appeal but I wish that my real life had more spontaneity and excitement than it does. I have tried to get my H to help me find these things and he will initially but then it just goes back to the way it was. I love my H but I would love to feel those "in love" feelings for him. I know this is a typical WS line, but I feel that it was there before my A's. The thing I want is to have a happy life with my H and to feel that he cares as much about making it work as I do. I just want to feel love/lust/passion towards my H and I'm not sure how to go about getting it when I question if it was really ever there.

Editted to add: I don't know if this makes sense or not but I find it easier to feel "in love" with my H when he's not here. What I mean is, when I'm away or he's away I find that I feel more in love with him and confident that he's who I want to be with. But, when we are together again, it seems like these feelings disappear.

<small>[ March 11, 2005, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: kmt ]</small>

the real question is do you want to be a cruel person...because that is what your affair is..

it is cruel to your husband...
of the most disrespect one can visit on human being....

and you do it....

and that's who you choose to be....
inspite of his video games
inspite of all his failings...the route you choose will never ever fix it...
and you choose cruelness...each and every day for years now....

cruel to your husband
cruel to the OP and his spouse
creul to all children involved...

our actions define us..
it makes us who we are no matter what we say in empty words what we believe in..

no one can help you fix the marriage till you end contact with the OM....
a house divided can not stand...

so all this stuff about feelings is meaningless..it's all empty words...without any actions that serve the marriage....
as long as OP is in the picture....nothing no one here can do....cause you can't work on any of it till you are committed to doing so..
and no one here can make you commit to that..
and no one here can give you any garuntees...


ARK

kmt - I'm curious. Does your H know what you are looking for (deep inside) and is he investing significantly in you? Or maybe worse, could he be involved in his own E or P A's?

Has there been abuse in your past?

Ark, I know that I'm being cruel to my H. I know that what I'm doing is selfish. I know these things in my heart but how do I convince my mind? I am not an unfeeling person. What I mean is, I DO feel guilt for the A's and how I've disrespect my M vows. I want to change and I want to end my A with the OM. I know that noone else can do it for me, I have to do it. But, how do I get to that point? I'm so scared to "give up the OM" only to go back to my old life. I really have tried to talk to my H about what our M needs. I have tried to meet his needs but when do you get to the point that you're tired of doing all the work and getting nothing in return? I want to end my A. I want to be a better person. Tell me how to get to that point. Tell me how to stop being scared to go back to my old life.

Rocked-
Yes, my H and I have in depth talks about what we both need. We did alot of in depth communicating at the Retrouvaille. But, after a few days it just goes back to how it was. I am almost 100% sure that my H isn't involved in any EA or PA. He is accountable for all his time, he never does anything questionable and to tell you the truth, I think that an A would be too much "work" for him, if that makes sense.

Still here-
No, there hasn't been abuse in my past. However, both OM were older than me (20 years) and I have tried to think why I would choose OM that were that much older than me. I had a good relationship with my Father, however there were alot of times in my younger childhood when my father wasn't home. He used to drink alot and go to the bars and stuff but he wasn't an alcoholic. Him and My mom never really seemed close- I'm sure because there was alot of resentment on my mom's part due to his absense. My father flirted alot and my mom questions if he ever had an A during those days when he was absent, but he denies that he did. My family is pretty religious and like I said, I have always felt close to my parents but I do think that some of my father's behavior when I was younger may be contributing to this? I don't know, maybe I'm somehow subconsiously trying to re-live my childhood through these older OM? I don't know, it's all so complex.

After you talk about what both your needs are what happens? Do each of you try to meet those needs? I do agree that before you can move past where you are you have to end the contact with whomever other than your H. Otherwise, your needs are getting met elsewhere and you are forced to look to your H to meet those needs himself.

Rocked-
It gets better for awhile, my H shows interest in wanting to be proactive in saving our M but then he sees it as too much work and he has every excuse in the world as to why he doesn't want to do it any longer. I know my H loves me but he thinks that M shouldn't be any work. He thinks that all is fine, even though I've told him it isn't. He just seems to think that it'll get better on its own.

I agree that I need to have NC and I'm working on that. I know that I have to not have my needs met by anyone other than my H and then "force" him to be the one. But, I did this after my first affair and nothing changed. What can I do differently this time to make it stick?

Have you tried a swift kick in your H's groin?

sorry. you set me up for that one!!

kmt,

You have come to the right website. Please read the basic concept then read the general welcome. Understand well MB, this is the key to your happiness.

If you wants to feel lust/in-love with your H ... you have to end A with OM, put NC and call his wife to apologize. Your H never have a chance as long as OM is around. You have to fess up to your BH. No real realtionship could be develop under a shadow of a secrect.

Get counseling from MB or cerri to help both of you out.

-rh-

Hi, kmt.

Let me ask a simple question if I may.

What made you think that you had a right to an affair(s)?

Thanks,
Gimble

So you've been married for 7 years and having affairs off and on for 4 out of the 7.

Why did you get married in the first place? And why did you bring children into this awful mess?

Flabergasted,

Miker

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 12:17 PM: Message edited by: Lisa V. ]</small>

KMT
I can totally relate to what you are saying. I have felt the same way.

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Lisa V. ]</small>

Sorry I was away from the computer for awhile so I didn't get a chance to respond until now.

Rocked- Yeah, I would like to try a swift kick to my H's groin sometimes to get him to listen to me, but I know he doesn't deserve that either.

Redhat-Thank you for your words. I know that I have to end this with the OM and I AM working on it. I am scared, which sounds stupid, but I am trying to get to that place and I know that I will be there very soon because I'm tired of living this double life. I am ready to be done with this A. Please know that I am trying to take baby steps here to end this A. I am scared to go back to my real life and I am trying to take baby steps to show myself that it'll be ok.

Gimble- That's a good question and I have to say that it's never that I thought I had a "right" to have an A. It's more like it just sort of happened. I know it was the easy way out- rather than trying to continue dealing with my M, but it just sort of happened. I think the 2nd A happened to try to numb the withdrawal I was having from the 1st A. I know that sounds ludicrous (?sp) and it's much like an alcoholic trying to numb a hangover by drinking vodka. I never thought that I had a right, I was just stupid and weak and I fell for temptation.

Miker- Yes, I have been M 7 (almost 8) years. However, I have been with my H for 13 years. I understand your disgust, believe me I understand. I am just as disgusted with myself for getting in this situation and now I'm desperately trying to find a way out. I know the first step is NC and like I said, I'm trying to build courage to finally be able to let go of the OM. It's a scary thing for me to go back to my real life after hiding behind a fantasy life for 4 years. I know what I need to do and I'm trying desperately to find a path to do it. You asked me why I brought children into the M when all this was going on. I know, it was a stupid and greedy thing of me to do. But, in all honesty, I guess I was in denial and I never thought that my M wouldn't work. I guess I just took for granted that my M would always be here and that I would just enjoy my fantasy life and then, eventually, I'd figure out how to make my M work. Stupid thinking, I know. But, I guess I was just in denial. I certainly don't regret my children. I love them with all my heart and that's a huge reason why I want my M to work. I see what my H and I created and it makes me love my H in a way that I didn't before.

LisaV- I'm sorry that you can relate to me, although it makes me feel good that someone can understand what I'm going through. I hope that we can find a way to connect with our H's again and get them to open up and help us to be pro-active in rebuilding our M's.

Thanks again to everyone for your help. It may sound like I'm in denial, but I am very aware of what I need to do to attempt to get my M on track. I came here because I do want my M to work. I love my H and I know he deserves ALOT more than I'm offering him right now.

If you feel that by being a stay-at-home mum, you get bored and have too much time on your hands, why not get a job. Your children will be better off with a busier, more fulfilled mother as currently, you are doing a great deal of harm to your family. Try it.

TT- I would love to get an outside job, but for one thing we can't afford daycare for 3 kids and the other thing is that these A's happened when I was employed outside the home (before I had kids). This is why I think that it's more about what's wrong with me then just about an over abundance of time. I don't know that I'd be any more able to occupy my mind if I was working as opposed to being at home. I guess I'm just to the point where I don't find pleasure in anything anymore. No matter where I am or what I'm doing or who I'm with, I just don't feel happy and thoughts of the A are always there. I need to find a way to escape my own mind, it's just driving me crazy.

Thank you for your post.

KMT

kmt,

I really hope that your BH would understand and work it out with you. Please send him to this web site so that he could have support here.

You have asked the right questions and your worry is legit. When you end this A ... what would gurantee that you won't do it again. I think this was missed by many here who had replied and sent 2x4 on your way. I know you want to do the right thing.

You definitly can't do it on your own. You need to end A and change your addiction to your BH instead of OM. You need to be held accountable w/ your time, money and emotions. That is when you have to be honest w/ your BH and let him help you out.

I could not stress the important of having coaching. There is MB weekend seminar coming up at my town, you could start from there.

-rh-

"It is not about the mistake define who you are but what you do afterward."