</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whisper28:
<strong> But, how do you do 'it' w/ someone who you've seen as your buddy/roommate for so long? (I'm sure my H is wondering the same question.)
Please help.
A Very Confused & Embarrassed ... Whisper </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello, Whisper.
I have tried to read up on your situation, and have a few thoughts to share.
First and foremost, the most productive way to approach this is likely to look at yourself and try to decide what YOU can do differently, as opposed to trying to change HIM.
This may be a betrayal of the "guy code" here, but I know that since I hit 30 it takes more than just my partner looking good and being willing to get my engine running. Desire seems to be becoming more a result of emotional intimacy than just finding a pleasant place to stick my ****. I don't think I am alone in that.
It seems pretty common for some men to equate sex with emotional intimacy..that sex is the "language" we speak for some of the more tender emotions.
So, here is one possible take on your situation..now this is just me theorising, and may or may not be accurate:
Your husband wants to reconnect with you, in every meaning of the word. You want the same with him. The most obvious means to do that is SF. I am tempted to wonder if perhaps emotional distance had begun to occur back when your bedroom started cooling off. The male ego can be pretty delicate. Even the perception of one's partner closing off emotionally can wreak havok with our desire for SF, and even our physical capability for it.
Guys being guys, once we stop "rising to the occasion" as easily as we used to it becomes something we are afraid of happening. Which in turn places more (maybe unhealthy) emotional emphasis on a physical act which isn't even under our conscious control! This is something that is difficult to explain to a woman..so much of a man's identity can be tied up in our sexuality. Always being ready and able for SF means being a REAL man. Neanderthal attitude there, but it really is true on some level for most guys. When we are not able to rise to the occasion, it feels like we are less than we were. So, it adds even more performance anxiety.
Add all this together and it equals feeling weak, emotionally emasculated, and altogether like a failure when one small bit of flesh doesn't engorge with blood on command. Sounds silly when put like that, but it is true for many men.
There is maybe a little insight into the guy's mind. Pornography can be a much less threatening thing for a fellow that has had difficulties with the real thing, so one turns there for more than just orgasm..each time we have a reaction to a erotic picture(or movie or story...what have you) it becomes an affirmation of our masculinity. And that feels good in a way that punches more than just the orgasm button. Add being a BS and all that goes with it to the mix, and retreating to porn becomes even more understandable.
The trick here may be to try to restore emotional intimacy with your husband and let the sex sort itself out. Show him he is safe with you. The more heart to heart talks, the more of a connection he feels with you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, the more likely the physical connection becomes. Regardless of the original reasons for the lack of SF, it would be a bad idea to understate the importance of your A to your current situation. Even the perception that you had withdrawn for him could have contributed to the original difficulties...and unfortunately your A turned what might have been no more than a mistaken impression into unarguable fact.
So, maybe you could try emphasizing the other methods of intimacy and not worry too much about the physical? I am pretty hopeful that once the intimacy in the other aspects of your M have been restored, the SF will not be too far behind.
All the best to the two of you,
-OAK
