my H still refuses to let his online women go to save our M. I just don't understand how after 14 years of Marriage that he can just be so emotionally hurtful to me, when all I have done was love him. I know since he has made his choice (but continues to live with me) that I should just tell him to leave. But I just can't!! When I don't mention his EA's he is fine and acts like nothing is wrong, as soon as I bring it up (after I catch him online or lying to me) he freaks out and grabs his computer and heads to "his" house to stay until I quiet my yap. then like a fool I allow him back home. why do i do this to myself. I feel so frustrated and hurt. he has no desire to meet any of my EN's, he says that he just can't because he doesn't feel "in love" with me but that he does love me. He keeps telling me that he hasn't given up on our M, but he just doesn't want to be scrutenized by me or to be accountable to me. He continually says to me and I quote : "I just want to be the captain of my own ship" (end quote). I just need some help/support. how do I make the move that I know must happen and how do I stick to my guns (so to speak). It is so hard because I love him so much ,and I know that he doesn't deserve my love!!! thanks for letting me vent, hope I didn't lose ya on my rambling.

mainegirl..
you need an action plan...


you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different or even more scary no results...

you need to throw yourself in to plan a...
you need to throw yourself in to plan A and write your plan b letter

you need to pick your date for plan B and you need to rock this cake-eater extroidanairres life up like shaking a snow globe...

what are the things that he complains about that he says justifies his online crap...
cause you need to address those issues...no matter how goofy they are....cause we all know nothing you do justifies his actions...

but the more you take away their divergent list of all the BS does bad...the sooner they are left holding a bag filled only with their actions and their empty reasons...

so you are going to work on those things..

you are going to be nice and charming and happy to see him...and you are going to reward him when he plugs in to you and the family...

AND
you are going to mix your plan a up a little by getting out of that house and into the real world...while he's left holding cyber world crappola only...

you are going to go out and do something
and you are going to be happy
and look smashing..
and you are going to kiss him on the forhead and tell him to have fun with the kids...and then you are going to say and honey please don't spend the time while I am gone chatting with those women on the net.....cause it does hurt me....
and then leave...

I suggest you join habitat for humanity ...every community has one...you will meet people from everywhere...and you will use your skills as well as challenge yourself.....to find new ones....

and you are going to begin to thrive and grow...

and you are going to expose the reality of his cyber time and the reason he goes to the other house...

and then you are going to go to plan b and free yourself from this chaos...

or you can write the exact post next year..
but I think you can do a smashing job of getting in control of what you can...

ark

Thanks for replying Ark, H's reasoning for continued EA's is because I push him so hard to not chat/flirt with them that he is pushed to do it in spite of me, because, he says that he feels that I'm am trying to manipulate him and control him and that the more I ask him not to the more he is going to do it and that if I would just leave him alone with it, it will pass because it is just a phase he is going through. H says he does it because he likes the sweetness, that he calls southern hospitality!! I have tried being very nice and sweet to him and I have done things for myself ie: I went out and got a job and have been very positive of myself and very self assured, which I never was before.. these he did notice and commented on saying that he is surprised that I didn't become depressed like he thought I would be and was glad to see that I seemed a much stronger woman. But with all that he seems to be happy with that reaction and is content with me vague in his life but yet still here.in other words, he wants me to be happy in general as long as he can just go about his business online. I don't know, sometimes I wonder just WHO is flip flopping, him or me. guess I need to read up more on the plan A , plan B stuff. thanks again !!

then give yourself a week or so and go to plan b..with NO CONTACT...

CUT HIM OFF

LET HIM STEW IN CYBER LAND ALL HE WANTS...

ARK

easier said then done I think. We have 3 children living at home D-17 D-12 S-10. And the house he stays at when I'm ragging at him is one of our rentals and it is right next door. But like I said earlier, I love him so much. How does one just walk away, even for a week? I'm sure he would go along with it. How do I grow a backbone? gosh, the more I share the more I realize how pathetic I sound, LOL. sorry. But I really need help.

mainegirl..this man is hugely hugely disrespecting you and those other women...
but mostly you....


don't tell my co-workers we are seperated...I won't be able to keep all the women off of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

or something to that tune....

he is treating you wrong wrong wrong...but more importantly YOU are allowing it..

he is not acting lovingly so your verbalizations of loving him...mean little...

you need to quit participating in his weakly veiled cruelity....

plan b is perfect..
send the kids over..
you go out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what other plan do you have...
keep power struggling with him..
you can do this..
you must do this..

no garuntees...
but certainly garuntees you won't participate in his chaos..

aRk

HAHAHA, I like the way you think..... I'll give it a try. thanks a million !!!
Jamie

mainegirl..

don't get me wrong..
you need to really study on plan b...and really think it thru...

and really get ready for an escalation of pissy behaviors from him...

write your plan b letter and post it here for feed back

ARK

I told H that he can no longer stay with me,and that I don't want contact with him for awhile. I wont call him, e-mail him or IM him. he replied by saying that he will figure out a schedual as to when he will stay here and that I need not ask him which day he is coming to stay... HELLO!! Mcfly are you there??.. jeeze,can you believe him!! I told him "NO, you are not going to stay here anymore.period!! He just walked out and said that he would see me in the morning, (like he didn't hear a word I said)... but, he did not come over today!!

-Jamie-

day 2 and it is lonely as heck!! thank God for my kids!! But alas, they are in school and I am sitting here knowing he is just next door. I want so much to call him over. I know that I shouldn't. My love for is soooo strong and the loneliness is sooo great(and it is only 2 days,yikes!God help me!!). maybe a disfunctional marriage is better then no marriage <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .
there is no one for me to talk to. I have not said anything to H's mom. after all it is just online crap. only had proof of one EA. these others he says are "just friends". would be easy for him to cover that up to just about anyone. I feel so alone. It is good to at least vent here.

-Jamie-