I'm sorry, folks, for my obvious absence.

There is so much more I need to say, but I suppose my conflict avoider in me just keeps wanting to suppress it. I promise that I'll really, really try to make myself sit down tonight and write it all out.

In the mean time...a new problem. As you may recall, it toook 4 1/2 months to finally get the decree signed (court on Nov. 17, signing on March 30) due to xW's attorney continually botching the whole thing. Finally, the judge asked my attorney to write the decree.

Anyway, now my company attorney says we have to use the date the judge signed the decree as the day the 401K assets are to be split. There was an increase of $5,400 in 2 of my accounts from Nov. 17 to March 30, I've got to check the 3rd one today.

Yesterday I talked to an attorney who specializes in this sort of thing (after I went to the court house and talked to the clerk of court). The attorney said it can be fixed and she will need a retainer of $1,500 to get started, costs could exceed $2,000.

I am soo....tired of this!!

I don't know yet what I'm going to do, I might just say forget it and get it done with.

Georgia

EDIT - LA....what in the world is o/~ ? I can't figure out how that would sound.

o/~...well, it looked better back in DOS land, like a music note...tilde was more at the top...to indicate singing.

Times change. The way things look change. Still singing. I call it music. What do you choose to call it?

Is your desire to be safe, separate and finished getting in the way of your being safe, separate and finished?

Are you still craving some justice...to see God's hand directly? I remember. I understand.

I believe you had to see your WW blame you for the last time, to really see the dynamics all along...she had nearly five months to pack and move...and focused on you, like she has focused on her pain, joy, security, coming into her from the outside...when it only comes from the inside.

There's a love lesson here for you, FGG...breathe and know you're in great hands, the best...then see if you feel so tired.

(((((()))))) <---still look like hugs, right?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Hi GG.

Been reading......... it looks so hard, and I know that's an understatement.

Often justice does not come in this life. It's for us to live as we should even if we are treated unfairly. Please understand, I realize you already know this, but sometimes it's good to review.

I am glad you have lived as you should. I am happy you are not the one that went off the deep end. It is sad to see where she is, but I am glad you are not there with her.

You should be counting your blessings - because you have hope of a bright future, while she has no such hope.

Perhaps counting blessings is a stretch right now - but keep it in mind.

Please forgive me if (by saying these things) I make a difficult situation more difficult - that was not my intent.

God's promises are sure - remember what he has to give. And if at times it seems to be a hollow promise, wait, and pray, and it will come to you again.

Remember to smile, it's good for your face.

SS

LA - great post!

GG - you know I understand where you are, what you are going through.

I do believe all of this "stuff" is part of the healing process. for those of us who experience the pain of D, there was this thought that once the D was final, the papers signed, and sealed by the judge, that was it. End of pain. You even go through a short period of time where you do feel a relief from the constant drama, and worry.
but the emotional struggle doesn't really end with the signing of the papers.

Several times I went through similar issues with my Ex. I remember reaching a point where I truly did not love him any longer. I didn't hate him, I wasn't mad at him, I just didn't love him anymore. the best way I can describe it is that I felt like he was another one of my brothers. I felt sad for him the way I do for a brother who keeps digging his hole deeper and deeper. But it was no longer my worry.

then he would make "motions" like he wanted to get back together, and I would go into a tail spin all over again. Praying, and crying out to God. I knew I didn't love him, but also knew that God would desire for our marriage to be restored, for the boys to have an intact home. So even though I did not want to reconcile with him, I would have done it for the sake of the boys, and also to follow Gods will. But then my Ex would do/say something stupid (remember, for me, we went through a short period of time where we would go on dates, and he would get calls from women on his cell phone and actually carry on conversations in front of me). I came to see that my WxH truly was not interested in a R with only 1 man and 1 woman. He wanted to have several options open, including back up plans! he didn't want ME, he just didn't want to be ALONE.

Anyway, you know the rest of the story for me. I was able to finally release him, finally able to say that we were never going to be a couple again. I had reached the emotional divorce, after the phsical/financial divorce.

we do not yet know what the rest of the story will be for you. it is too soon. It could be that you will eventaully reconcile with your WxW. that she will finally reach a point where she cries out to God, confesses, repents, and remembers that M is a relationship between only 1 man and 1 woman.
Or - it could be that you end up reaching your point of "emotional divorce" as I did. Either way, this time will prove to be a further step towards your healing.

I don't have a lot of gret advice, other than to remind you to be strong in your faith! the enemy will surely use this time of vulnerability to try to attack you.
pray daily.
Ask God to open the eyes of your heart to the lessons he is trying to teach you.
Keep going to church.

This is all part of the process.

Take the halo off of me folks, I'll fill in the details tonight.

I just got a call to advise me that I am going to Illinois next week. Not what I wanted to hear, and I'm going to be gone all week.

However....I'm going to drive (my car) and take Jeb with me and make it a mini-vacation. I've found a little cottage in the downtown area that normally doesn't allow pets, but I've begged and the owner copitulated. So...after church Sunday Jeb and I are heading north for a week. I'm tired of them stink' airplanes...I just want to drive for a bit.

Georgia

formerly GG's travel tunes must have...

1. TRUCKIN by the grateful dead

2. LEARNING TO FLY by Tom Petty

3. FAST CAR by Tracy Chapman

4. Stuck in the middle with you...(Paul McCartney ?)

5. Rock and Roll Girls by oh what's his name the lead singer to credence clear water revival...you know...what's his name...

6. Little Pink Houses by John Cougar Mellancamp

7. Darlington County by da Boss no doubt!!!

trust me these are good road trip songs...

8. The night they drove old dixie down...by the band

hhhmmmmmmmm

something from paul simon...
hmmmmmmmmm

Look for America by Paul Simon...

there now that's a good start to a good CD...to take on a road trip

ARK

My suggestion, let go of the lawyer and let it go...if you want to later you can charge HER lawyer with negligence...which I'm sure she'll pass the savings on to your WW. But why put more money in a lawyer's pocket just to keep your XW from getting it...just allow her the increase...a parting gift, a windfall, something she will feel guilty about in the future...maybe...

ark....John Fogarty?

SHMI....I've contacted our corporate lawyer and told him to get the QDRO going, I'm tired of fooling with it.

Okay, here goes (I'd rather be beat with a whip than say this)...

I am seeing someone, and I have been for quite some time. Anything I say about it will do nothing but try to justify the fact that I was seeing another woman before my divorce was final...so I'll not try to justify it.

I know that many, if not all, of you here will now say that puts me the same league with xW, and perhaps you are right. I remember reading quite a while back a post by Pepperband that said that any BS who starts dating before their divorce is final is no better than their WS's. Perhaps she is right.

I talked to SH about this the last time we talked. He was very understanding, but I can't say he was condoning.

Almost everyone who knows me knows about her, and some have met her.

My boys are terribly upset that their dad is seeing someone else. #1S at first told me he understood and that he felt like it was good that I had someone who cared about me, but he has changed his mind now and tells me that he was wrong to feel that way.

#2S has told me that he could never accept his dad with another woman no matter what. And..his opinion is that I must stay single the rest of my life.

I am truly sorry that I have't confided this in you all as you (especially my closest of friends) have been so kind to me. I started out not wanting to post as this is a public forum and I didn't want xW to find out and make more problems. But since the D I just have conflict avoided like crazy and not admitted it.

I will understand your disappointment with me. Perhaps I have allowed you all to have an inflated opinion that I should have deflated long ago.

Georgia

What is she like, Georgia?

Is this the woman from the airplane...long ago...that got married and divorced?

Just guessing here.

LA

I, personally AM DISAPPOINTED. Not that you are seeing someone, because you deserve it and I really hope you are happy. I am disappointed that you never told us and let us believe in a Georgia who really wasn't. It was your choice to do that. I did not expect it, and I am disappointed, but then, that's only me.

Yes, me too, I am disappointed you didn't tell us sooner. You know most of us would have advised that you waited a little longer. But, it isn't always the way it happens in the real world, so I understand.

I also understand your sons feelings on this. You could have preserved your respect in their eyes by waiting a bit longer. I know you gave your wife a while to wake up but it would have been best to wait 2 yrs....again that is in the ideal. Dr. Harley has said that it is often the BS that hinders a possible reconciliation if and when the A ends.
I also see that if they knew you were dating prior to the D that they will have a hard time accepting her.

I hope that she is a really nice person. Tell us about her and how you met etc.. I doubt many of us thought a nice guy like you would be out there single very long. What is her story?

Georgia:

You know full well that I am not at all surprised and really suspected this.

Come on, be honest, a part of you didn't share because you know that I would have tried to talk you out of it...Right?...we've been through this before...Right?

Your style is so much like my FWH's remember? You thrive on taking care of a woman and gaining her ADMIRATION. Right?

So, I hope she is OOOing and AHing over you....

Goddess material?

Yes, let us know what she is like...

Let us hear all about this...

Halo..duely lifted....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well, a prince like you wasn't going to be unattached for long. We'd love to "meet" her, if she will post here. Does she know about MB?

Let me tell you, I was getting a little worried for awhile about you. Here's what I was thinking: That you would capitulate and ask your ex to try again. This is much better.

Sorry about the boys though. At least they are adults, married, not young kids still at home and going between you and your ex. I understand their longing for a Mom and a Dad and not wanting someone else to be with their father. But your job raising them is done.

Your wife is a sad figure. She doesn't know what she lost. I wonder whether she is still "friends" with the OM?

Well…where to start?

It’s the P.A., she and I got back together. We had enjoyed the time we had talked together, and she ended the short-term relationship she was in when I first talked with her.

She is the one who first invited me to the church I am attending, and that is more or less where our relationship took root. Plus…it has been nice to be active in a church where everyone doesn’t know me and xW as a couple. I have talked to the pastor regarding my past and these issues.

She is probably one of the most thoughtful people I have ever met. She is constantly doing things for other people, small things like token gifts to co-workers, picking up things for friends, etc. It seems to me that sometimes people have taken advantage of her generosity. (She actually has a co-worker that calls her from time to time to get help paying her bills. She’s finally had to tell her she couldn’t do that anymore).

She has had a very, very difficult life. One of 5 children (next to youngest), her parents divorced when she was 10 and her mother died of cancer when she was 12 (her mother was 45 at her death). She and her younger sister were raised by an aunt and uncle (who I’ve met) who were very kind to her, but could only do so much to support her. The 3 older siblings were raised by grandparents.

When she left for college that was basically the end of any kind of family support. She lived in an apartment with an elderly lady during college who she helped take care of. And, she worked (this is my favorite) on a Quaker dairy farm milking cows and shoveling manure. (Sidebar – I thought about that in court the day that xW said she had found her job stocking video tapes to be “humiliating”.). She often laughs about having to come home and wash the dried manure out of her hair.

She earned her degree in biology and worked as a lab tech which is where she met in her future husband. (I may get a little fuzzy on some of these details). After they got married, they moved here to our town and she went back to school and get her P.A. (Physicians Assistant) degree. (There is no question she is MUCH smarter than me, even though she says she’s not). She has worked at the same hospital for 20 years (she’s 46) and has her own clinic in the women’s health department.

She was married for 12 years to her first husband. She divorced him when he decided (to put it kindly) that he liked men too, along with some other very strange things. They had 3 kids together, the oldest a daughter is in college, the second daughter is a H.S. sophomore and the third is a 13 y.o. son.

Her second marriage lasted 3 years and ended when she caught him with the babysitter. She has been divorced for 6 years.

And yes…she does show me ADMIRATION. But…she is so genuine about it…not phony. She appreciates when I open the door for her, but she doesn’t EXPECT it, if that makes sense. Anytime I take her somewhere she genuinely thanks me and tells me how much she enjoyed it. Several weeks ago we went to Charlotte on a Saturday and saw the Dead Sea Scroll exhibit. She still hasn’t quit talking about how special that was to her. And…I did indeed take her to see The Phantom of the Opera at the Fox in Atlanta. That was wonderful.

And, I appreciate her as a Christian. Her faith is real and she openly talks about the struggles she has had in the past and the things she still struggles with. It is refreshing to see faith without the pretense. I don’t want to overuse the word “genuine”, but that is the best word I can use to describe her.

A goddess? I don’t know that I could ascribe Goddessness. I have rarely (if ever) seen a woman who will tackle the hard work she does with such vigor. Example: She tiled the floor in her kitchen, she built the privacy fence around her back yard, etc. And..she sees nothing unusual about any of that, she just says that if something is going to get done she has to do it and she does it. No whinning about it.

But she couples that with an extremely hightened sensitivity to others problems. I have seen her sob when talking about OTHER peoples problems. She has cried frequently over the things I’ve been through…says it’s so unfair. She recently had to tell a patient that her HIV test was positive…that really tore her up.

I dunno. Can a Goddess have calluses?

Perhaps what I like most is the way we can just talk to each other. I just feel like she will let me be transparent and not judge me, and that is so refreshing. And…I try to do the same for her. I don’t want her to try to be something she’s not, and she appreciates my acceptance of her shortcomings and struggles. We work on these things together.

I have been (as I’m sure is obvious) so torn through this whole thing. I have been able to tell her, and she has understood, that if WW suddenly returned to some kind of normalcy, then I would need to work on my marriage and return to her (she has cried over that, too). I know that isn’t justification.

When I was at the house a couple of weeks ago and held xW while we cried, it was so hard. I don’t know if I would want to ascribe those feelings as love or what…but even though she still holds such a powerful attraction to me yet I know that I don’t have a future with her at all. I do feel like Lynn (we’ll use middle names) is someone that I can BUILD a future with, but it certainly doesn’t automatically come in and erase 29 years of marriage. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve not (totally) taken leave of my senses and discarded my xW for another woman, even though I’m sure there are plenty that will think that to be the case.

And…. I struggle within myself as a Christian. What is self-deception, what is truly an opportunity for future happiness and a Godly life with some degree of peace and contentment, and what is Satan’s snare that is about to take me to ****** in a hand basket?

Enough of that for now.

I am so sorry I have mislead you (all of you). I often question who I am myself…is this just some role that I play? It makes me wonder sometimes if xW has some validity to her claims…). I’m beginning to feel schizophrenic.

In other (much less important) news. I am cleaning out my office today as I am being ushered down the hall to a much smaller and more isolated location. No need in me having a big office surrounded by the smaller ones anymore. I don’t mind the smaller office, but it’s really hard being here without my colleagues and seeing their offices being rapidly filled by other folks.

Georgia

EDIT - yes, she knows about MB but doesn't read here. I've told her about how much your friendships and input has meant to me.

I'm concerned that it's the PA, Georgia.

I haven't read the rest of your post...but my heart is beating fast because she was your WIFE'S PA, right?

I'm concerned about the ethics of this...

I'm concerned that she was involved VERY EARLY ON...

It's feeling OWish...

How is she such a devout Christian...having a relationship with a married man...

GEORGIA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add: Wasn't she engaged? How did your relationship with her affect that relationship?

Don't let the conflict avoider in you keep you from posting back to me.

I want to hear about this, please.

Plus, why did you keep this a secret?

Were you and Lynn out in the open about your R?

Do you see where I am going?

Ok. Now I finished reading your post...

I am REALLY CONCERNED...

She's PERFECT, right? The woman of your dreams....

Knows just what to say...

OMG!!!!..Sounds too familiar...

YUCK!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't remember about her being a physician's assistent for your XW. What page was that on? I guess I don't recall when you met her. Whatever.....

Just how long have you known her? I suppose your XW knows about her?

She sounds like a lovely lady. (At first I thought you meant PA as in and A with SF.)

I would think it not wise to get very involved so soon after your long marriage ended. Be careful. Try to take it slowly.

At the very beginning of Georgia's saga before he even left home (I think), he called his wife's dr's office and spoke with the PA about her condition. I think this is the one.

YUCK....

They continued to talk...

She consoled Georgia...BUT...

She had a "boyfriend"...

YUCK!!!