My wife sent a nice note today. Then she called and asked if I'm OK. (Game reset. She lives in Europe as diplomat, DS8 lives with her, OM sent home to Wash DC, I live in West Coast and commute to Europe. She flies to town next week to file D papers with 90 wait period).

How do I respond to that FWWs? Plan A says I'm fine. Steve Harley says I should feel conflicted about rushing to divorce, and I'm beginning to not want her back, but am trying to hold out hope for eventual recovery. OM is still in contact via E-Mail and phone).

I said, "Well I'm not great, but I'm hanging in there. My basketball team lost last night (o Illini!) and I'm filling out divorce paperwork"

WW "But aren't you OK with that? Don't you understand?"

Me "I would prefer to have an intact family and us in love, but there's not much can do about that."

I feel strong, but I also feel like I'm conveying the wrong words. When the WW is in the fog, I have to assume any EN's cannot be met. But I'm trying to be nice without sarcasm. I'm staying calm and not getting emotional, but she said I sound cold and nasty. "I'm sorry I sound like that, but I'm distancing myself emotionally" Probably should not have said that.

I'm simply not jumping with joy everytime she calls.

I don't normally need this much reassurance, but this is not my area of expertise! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SnS,

When a WS sends a 'nice note' then says 'don't you understand', it c/b she is trying to suck out some support from you. WS' like to pull out the life from the BS. Some sort of sicko need that should not be met by the BS and family.

Keep your responses as short and without emotion as possible. I think if you responded as such and she dug for more attention, then you responded in a blase sort of way, she will spend time wondering what you are up to....that w/b good. Good for her to spend time wondering about you. Better that than wondering about the OM.

What are the chances of getting your son back in your custody?

I think you are ok, just a bit shaken up by her e-mail. Happens to most of us.....that's why we keep posting here....for support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

I still think you ought to be looking at filing for full custody based on her appetite for boys the age of her 19 yr old son.

SNS, its awfully early to consider divorce. There are lots of complex dynamics behind early filing after affairs, and most of them change over time.

WS are very needful of 'permission' to do what they did from BS, and I agree with Orchid that she's trying to draw your support.

I have often wondered how hard it must be to Plan A when you're far apart, and you are a case in point unfortunately.

In my own Plan A I was calm and 'detached' and tried to be as cheerful a spossible but I ALWAYs made sure Squid knew my boundaries ( i.e. Contact is infidelity and I will not tolerate it, I want to work on our marriage but I won't do it alone etc).

I tried to appear to WANT her back , but not NEED her. That was the real switch that worked on my Squid.

She tells me now that there was a day when she realised that I could get along JUST FINE without her and it made her wake up. Does your WW know that about you ?

All blessings

Thank goodness you guys replied. I was feeling abandoned! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I like the explanation about trying to gain my permission. I took the approach that I want to try and find a way for us to be happy together. I'm not comfortable with the divorce right now and think it's too fast. She has replied, that fine, if you can make me love you in 90 days we're all set. (No pressure)

I've written the divorce paperwork to look as unfavorable as possible. She's going to need to get some financial items taken care of before severing our relationship. Our state's paperwork will take at least 90 days and up to a year after filing.

It's almost like a physical need she has to file the divorce because she can't be controlled by anyone anymore (me). She doesn't want to feel like a piece of property. I said I don't want her to feel like that either. I want us to be in love with each other, and we both need to change some things for that to happen. If we can't be in love, then we shouldn't be married.

So, yes Bob, I told her that I didn't want the relationship unless she could be in love with me, and I with her.

She called today and said she feels lonely sometimes, but thinks it would be better to be alone. She constantly asks if I'm going to take our son away from her. And I told her no as long as I didn't think he was ever going to see, hear or know about the OM anymore, and that as long as she didn't continue to be depressed.

I'm waiting to hear what Steve tells me on Monday to find out what the go forward plan is.

She's flying home next Tuesday to help me recover from eye surgery I had yesterday. She's never taken care of me before because she's never had to. She says she wants to come and do it because, I'm still her husband, but that she has to file for divorce because she feels trapped.... yada yada yada. She'll file on Friday, and head back to Europe on Saturday. She's also bringing home our 8 year old to stay for the two week Spring Break. I'll fly him back the first week in May.

Since I cannot physically stop the filing, I've been stalling, making it look unattractive and running a parallel counseling path. I know it's too soon for D, but it's hard to stop her.

The only problem I now have is that my wife secretly purchased an airplane ticket for the OM to fly over to Europe the weekend after she flies home. She's mentioned to me that he would be coming sometime while DS8 was gone to pick up his stuff, but there was no relationship.

Can I get a BS.

Since I'm in a long distance Plan A, I feel like I shouldn't keep the son and cutoff everything else until a possible Plan B is required.... like this summer.

I figure I can Plan A my butt of next week while she's here. That might be good for something. Spend time looking like a good father to our DS8 and fly our DS18 up for the weekend to hang out. Show us as a family again.

Is that effective on WW in withdrawal. Of course withdrawal starts at 0 again on April 21. I don't even want to think about it.

By the way, you guys are my heroes! And where is O girl?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Does anyone know if we file for divorce in Washington, can the paperwork be modified before the court makes it final? I can't talk to an attorney before my wife shows up on Tuesday. I'm kind of on bed rest with this eye surgery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Hey Orchid, I can't link your Reverse Babble reference.

I think I could use it!