So, H left home about six weeks ago.

He is happier than ever setting up his new life. It is the shopping spree of a lifetime. I am doing my best to plan B. For my own sake, I feel so much better when he is not around and his betrayal is not in my face. I am still very angry with him for not trying to save the M and giving his kids not the life we would have chosen for them. All because of some OW who may or may not end up being greener grass.

Where to for me?
I know in my heart the best thing for us all is to be a happy family. But H can't see it and may never. Even if the fog lifts about his A he believes we are too broken to fix. My sadness and anger only strengthens that theory to him. But I can't be someone I'm not- I am hurt and angry. So, plan B helps me survive the day to day stuff but what about the bigger picture?

Do I need to except that I am one of those who plan Bs to save her self and not her M? Or am I still waiting for time to play its hand in making all the newness less attractive?

Do I start on the road to legal seperation? Our finances are stiil all combined. I fear making the next move may anger him yet leaving it is not sustainable long term (especially with OW on scene).

What do you think?
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S

It is easier, IMO, to be the one who leaves. The person who stays behind has pieces to pick up. The person who leaves does not. It is easier to adjust to something new, than to adjust to changes to the routine. I knew this, and this was one of the reasons I wanted to be the one to leave.

And, I had the shopping spree of a lifetime, as you put it.

However, let me tell you there wasn't enough money - or time - for all that I needed. Consider that there were no batteries, toothpicks, nails, lightbulbs; not enough tools or the wrong tools; no box cutter to cut up all the cardboard after unpacking; not enough hangers to put away your clothes. No gas can for the snow blower. No gas can for the lawn mower. No bookcases (we had all built-ins in the old house). Forgot to change my driver's license. Forgot to register to vote. Can't find all the income tax receipts. Can't find the towels. No safety pins, paper clips, staplers. Don't have any summer weight sheets. No laundry baskets. No place for an ironing board. No place to put my toothbrush except laid on the counter. Etc. etc. etc. Little things. But everyday "high nag" things. After 4 months, I'm finally able to get through most days without something missing that I need. The shopping spree left much to be desired.

Re: finances - here's what my accountant said to me. He said that as long as we are married and our finances are combined, I am at legal risk. You can disentangle finances without making a final decision about D. So, that's what I did.

In my case, we filed separate tax returns on the advice of my accountant - because my H had an enormous tax liability and I would have been liable for it if he didn't pay it. As far as I know, he hasn't paid it either. He wanted me to share it - as if I had any money - where did he think I was going to get several thousand dollars? It goes to his whole unrealistic assessment of everything, from day one. But anyway, when he found out I was NOT going to pay any of it, that's when he decided to initiate the D paperwork. It could be a coincidence, but I think the timing is more than a coincidence. In any case, I no longer care. He and his finances are just a noose around my neck.

Yes, I had a chance to start over, and yes, I'm short of $$. And yes, I've had to scale back my standard of living. But in some ways, I'm better off. My house isn't as fancy. I don't have any of the conveniences I had in the old house. My income isn't as high. I don't have anyone to take care of my dogs when I go out of town for work. But I'm richer emotionally. And our finances are almost totally disentangled now.

I hope this has helped. I can't tell you what is best for you, but I can share my sitch in case any of it helps you think through your issues.

Arty, I suggest you go to an attorney. You don't need to file for divorce, you need to get information so that you know how to protect yourself and the kids.