It has been a while since I last wrote and may not have updated you but 3 months ago next week my husband left his lover and began the path of recovery. For the most part things have been going well. Tough times, lots of issues and the constant calling of the lover for the first three weeks have been challenging but we both have stayed focused.

My husband did not write a letter to end things with his lover but called her with me there and from all indications and the calls that followed he had not talked to her, wrote her, e-mailed her etc. his actions has shown this time what in the past they had not and that is that he is in this marriage because he wants to be with me above all else. He changed all the phone numbers, e-mail etc to protect the no contact agreement and yet she found him (even with a blocked number at work) She called yesterday and 20 minutes after he got the call she called me (he waited because I was in a meeting and he wanted to tell me not leave a voice message - OK for the moment I will accept that) She called and told him who she was and before he could get anything out he hung up and later called me. I know she is not gone and just as my gut instinct told me I called his work phone number and she had left a message this morning. He did not get the message (I have the password to his phone) but it sounds like she did not talk to him. She called to say she missed her best friend,that she felt like everyone was blaming her, she had to tell him where she was working and how great of a new job she got paying 3 times what she made working for us ( like I care) In any case she went on to say she had seen him at our place this weekend (as she drove by or was watching from somewhere but he was with me or a member of my family the entire time so I know it was not an encounter) She wanted to tell him that she knows they will run in to each other sometime and she just wanted to say there were no hard feelings. So now to my issue....

In my mind she still thinks he wanted some time away,, she likely does not think he went home because he loved me and she wants to still be waiting for him. Since they parted he has learned so much about the lies she told, from fake pregnancy to sleeping with other men (right from the horses mouth) that my husband has reached a point where he is not only angry with himself but with her to. I just feel like she still thinks there is something there. She keeps claiming she wants closure to this chapter of her life wants to know what she did wrong. I think she needs to go away and leave us alone, to go to the exteremes she did to get his work number really ticks me off. How does she get the message? I was tempted to call her but figured she would then know she got to me and I wasn't up for that. I contenplated a letter from my husband that says something but then again no contact meant no contact.

Can anyone offer some suggestions? I am really at a loss on this one. I took a real set back yesterday when I heard she called - if only he had gotten the PPO this wouldn't have happened - hind sight!

It to me is like having a pebble in your shoe, if you stop to take it out (however that may be) you slow down, stop and lose ground on the road to recovery, if you do not take it out it can for sometime become the source of discomfort, irritation and can be painful however over time with enough miles the pebble will likely turn to sand and not be as it once was!

So what is one to do??

Lucy, this looks real simple to me. It is up to your H to stop her contact, and he must do that with a no contact letter. I don't think she really got the correct message the first time around and that is probably because he personalized it by honoring her with a special phone call. Perhaps a cold, clinical no contact letter will get the message across more clearly. I would also tell her that in the future he will consider any contact to be harrassment and will notify the authorities if she doesn't stop.

sample no contact letters

In the meantime, it is extremely important that you both hang up on her when she calls. She should get the message. If not, you can always get a restraining order and that should wake her up.

LL,
BTDT.
First let me say you handled this brilliantly. You could have easily gone off the deep end, and made a bad situation worse. You didn't...good for you..that means a lot. You're moving into a comfortable place that you don't fear your H will do anything to hurt you, but focusing yourself on the actions of the XOW.

My H didn't do the NC letter either. I can say without a doubt that letter would have meant nothing to our XOW. She refused for the longest time to take no for an answer.

My H did as yours did, changed all the phone numbers, pager numbers, blocked emails, complete NC no slip ups. I tried endlessly in the beginning to get rid of her. She would constantly call my house, and just hang up. I ended up telling her one time to stop calling my house, my H didn't live there anymore, we divorced...yada yada..you get the idea.

It's been a few months now, and we haven't heard from her.

She'll return....she always does. I pity her now. Perhaps like many XOW...she didn't get the closure she needed to "move on"... such is the price you pay when you enter into an A.... it just doesn't go according to plan now does it.

Stay your course.... your primary and ONLY goal should be your M, your recovery. Let her worry about her.

We're doing okay...and you will too. Don't give her more thought than she deserves. Ignore her, don't even hint that you've received her messages. Being ignored...is the coldest but most effective way of dealing with this particular type.

Lucy:

Well, you may not like what I am gonna say, but so be it. I think if she is still contacting him despite his "best efforts" at thrawting her contact, then you have to go back and rexamine his "best efforts". It is MY OPINION, that you need to step back and look back at the situation and see if your WH is truly in NC as he says. I know that a lot of BS don't want to belive this, but this is a possibility that you have to look at closely. I may be wrong (I probably am), but this is still a possibility that you need to be wary of.

The NC letter that everyone is always throwing around here means nothing if the WS is still finding contact.

Congrats and good luck in your recovery.

LM

LM, but the NC letter means quite ALOT if the WS is sincere. We haven't ruled that part out yet. If she continues to contact him after a sincere, effective effort on his part, then you might have a point. But until we know that is the case, there is no reason to jump to such a conclusion.

The way he ended contact was ineffective and not reccomended, as we can see. However, a well structured letter might convey the point effectively.

And even with the most sincere, effective efforts, you can't preclude the fact that some OP's are simply whackjobs that won't go away no matter how much the WS tries.

Mel:

I agree 100% with everything you say. It just is that sometimes I think people think the "NC" letter is some magical wand that will keep the WS faithful. I do agree, that a NC letter is a great idea if it has "real teeth" behind it in a repentant, committed WS....hopefully that is the case here. My hopes are certainly with the original poster.

LM

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means quite a lot to whom ? The BS ? Possibly, to the OP... it pretty much means nothing. As a matter of fact, most OP are pretty clear on the NC letter, and it is viewed as written by the BS in most cases. They never really believe these words came from the WS.

Sadly I'm not a big fan of the NC letter either. For the above stated reason, and the fact that I've experienced quite a few FWS here that sent a couple of NC letters only to continue contact anyway. I think it's all about actions. No piece of paper will mend those issues.
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I disagree. The OP would never have an opportunity to know the idea came from the BS, unless he/she is still in contact with the WS. Then, of course, the problem is not the letter at all, but the continued contact and the lack of sincerity. The letter sure won't guarantee sincerity or committment to the marriage,[nor does it purport such a guarantee] but it sure can serve as demonstration of such if it is sincerely meant.

The letter serves two good purposes: it sends a strong message to the OP and is a much needed good will gesture for the benefit of the BS. I think just the willingness of the WS to do it demonstrates his/her level of committment to the marriage. I very much agree with Harley on the importance of the NC letter.