My husband had an EA, and we are in the recovery process. As part of our counseling, we are beginning to deal with an abortion that we had about 2 years before we got married, and I was wondering if any of you have that in your pasts? We are realizing how much mistrust and distance that act has put between us...so much to the point that he had an EA, and I probably was not far behind.

I will not discount the emotional damage that abortions can cause. They can also be worked through quite successfully.

I will take a stab here and wonder if your WS might be using this issue from your past in the same way that many WS's use other past issues to find blame, or to find something "wrong" with you or the marriage. aka "fog". This issue, as well as any other can be worked through. Instant, even minor changes, by implementing Harley principles in Plan A, of meeting each others needs, POJA, time, protection and care can take your marriage in a completely different direction than it has gone for these 24 years of unmet needs, mistrust, and distance.

In other words??? My opinion... don't blow any one issue out of proportion - especially if the issue was raised by the WS in the fog. He might be trying to discount the whole marriage? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

ditto faith1

How do you believe that put "mistrust" between you?

Did any other examples get raised?

Over the years we have not done a good job of meeting each others ENs, and have practiced LBs throughout our marriage. But I was completely taken back by the EA too...

The bottom line is that I think the abortion started a pattern in our marriage of me being in control (making the decision to have the abortion, him passively agreeing). It put a wall up between us of mistrust...how could it not? If he and I were capable of destroying a part of each other in such a callous manner, then how can we be trusted with each other's hearts?

He believes that we need to work on past issues in our marriage, and we are starting with the abortion. We also need to look at family of origin issues. Then, he thinks, we can address some of the emotional needs that led up to the EA. I've explained to him about what I've been reading on this website, but he has not shown an interest getting online. And in my effort to be submissive, I am trying to let him give the direction for our healing process. We are working with a counselor, but since each session ends with us fighting with each other the rest of the day, it has not seemed very productive this far.

This is a rambling response to your questions. Do I believe it is "fog?" No, I guess not. It is part of the reason why we've gotten to this low point. I am glad to hear that it can be worked through successfully. The statistics say that only 10% of couples who have had an abortion stay together, or even get married, so we are in the minority, and I would love to hear from others whose marriages have been made whole.

So, is control the bigger, overall issue?

And... you can begin practicing Plan A without him, even if he's not interested in reading here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Susieq, W and I had abortion prior to M. If anything it brought us closer. A very difficult decision that I would say we made together. We were young and dealing with a very adult type problem. Again I thought it showed us we can work together and surmount what life deals us. I think you are being dealt some fog talk as well.

Abortions can have a really deep impact on the couple involved in abortion. It can be just lying latent but it is always in the background. I had an abortion just 3 months after my marriage, excuse being we have just started our careers. I have been married for 10 years and most big fights/arguments that me and my H had I have always brought this up and blamed him. I was in a Post Abortive support group and the effects of abortion can be even felt 20 years(by some participants) later if u have been brought up with the belief that it is not a right thing to do and u personally think it is a very violent act. I cheated & lied on my H but I would not say it is becos of my abortion but it did put a wedge in our marriage. It brought a whole lot of casualness in my life. I still think about the child and feel sad though I have taken suppport from church and many support groups.

I too think that perhaps it is just a way for your spouse to displace blame. My mother is convinced that I had an aportion while I was in highschool, and she told my H as such- she is so convinced that she convinced him too, I did not have an abortion, but during and after the A he throws that in my face saying I can not tell the truth because I will not admit that I had an abortion (I was not even with him- this abortion that my mother says I had- which again I did not- I was with another person). It is very damaging and hard to over come- however I do not feel it is right to use that as leverage against your spouse.

I just recently became aware of an abortion in my WW's past. Without going into the moral aspect of the act, the fact that she hid this from me gives it a prominent role in her life and our relationship.


My discovery of that act has given me insight into her personality and actions during our M. It was a piece of the puzzle that explained so much of her adult life. It has obviously scarred her deeply.

susie, I am so very sorry about your abortion. I have never told anyone about this, but I had an abortion in college. That experience precipitated my 8 year free fall into chronic alcoholism. I didn't draw a sober breath again until I was 27. I don't know if it was connected, but I just had to drown out the horror of what I had done.

See, I had to have the abortion TWICE. Because they didn't successfully kill the baby the first time. I continued to grow and get bigger AFTER my abortion. Frantically, I called the abortionist and they told me to come back in. Sure enough, I was still pregnant. They had only ripped the arms off the baby but not killed it. The nurse called it a "deformed monster." By that time I was several weeks along but they gave me another abortion. Oh my God, how it grieves me to talk about this.

Anyway, my point is that when I finally sobered up I did have to face the truth of what I did and was in counseling for years. Abortion deeply affects some people.

Mel,

I can't imagine what horrors you went to sleep with every night. It obviously affected your heart and soul and altered your very core. Don't want to threadjack but could you give us some background on your journey from that nightmare to the present.

I saw a program on the Catholic channel that there is a place somewhere, where nuns live and people can go there to have a sort of symbolic burial for the aborted baby. And through this some kind of self-forgiveness and closure is obtained.

It seemed like it would be very healing to me. Wish I had more info on where the place is (I'm not catholic), I was very touched by what was going on there.

Might want to look into that.

Mel, like Cy I cannot even begin to imagine...

I am so sorry.

Dear God Almighty.

Mel you have sand to be where you are now. The love of God and sand bought you back.

No wonder nothing phases you on these boards.

All blessings my friend.

There is a good website at www.rachelsvineyard.org that provides abortion resources. They have a retreat that we are planning to attend. There is also a national memorial for the unborn in Chattanoga, TN where services can be held and a memorial placed.

I know that God can forgive me for the abortion, and I have experienced that. But it seems that my husband cannot, and it signaled the beginning of a rift in our relationship, and it may very well be the cause of the end of our relationship 27 years later. I am tired because we had another huge fight last night. I won't speak for him, but I am just tired and barely care if I am practicing love busters anymore or not.

He seems to think that if I am not angry with him about the abortion, then I am in denial. However, if I get angry with him about the EA, then I am just rehashing the past. I don't know which way is up anymore. I had not bothered to write out a Plan A for myself because I didn't think we were that bad, but I guess now it is something I should look into. One of the things on there will be that I DO need to be less controling. But I also need to look to God for my nurturance. I've been begging my husband for some sort of support, love or affection, and he refuses to give it because "we are in a bad place" right now.

He is actually going on a spiritual retreat for a couple of days. I told him that he needs to come back a different person, or else not to bother spending the money or the time on it. He thinks that was a controling ultimatium. I think it was a cry of desperation.

So I am definitely in a fog now...

Maybe the retreat will be of help to him. Hope so.

Maybe give him the space he needs to deal with this, and you try to soothe yourself with a heavy reliance on God as you said.

Wishing you the best Suzie.

susie,
Your talks sound just like mine with my H during his affair. Abortions are a big deal, and can resurface in strange ways, AND are an easy target for a WS to focus on instead of his own issues. Later, this just became 1 of 1000 on the list of crimes I had comitted, and the reasons we "should have never gotten married". LOL

I really think the main issues are control, as well as his affair. He needs to work on ending his affair, and you need to work on your control issues as part of your plan A. Difficult stuff, I know!

No, our marriage didn't survive. But we didn't have 2 kids and what? 27? 24? years of marriage under our belt. We had no kids and it was easier for him to walk away. When I look back at our D-day, Plan A and Plan B, of COURSE there's no way to know if things would have worked out differently, and I DID the best I could at the time, but I wish I had done a BETTER Plan A. I love-busted all over the place. I needed to get control of MYSELF, and let go of trying to fix HIM and his issues. I needed to do a complete 180 of my behavior and I didn't. This is my recommendation to you, and is the recommendation all over this board to newbies all the time.

Hang in there. Pray for a calm heart and a clear mind. Keep reading and posting.

Faith1

Faith1

Thank you for your comments; they are a wake up call for me. Regardless of this marriage, his EA, etc, there is PLENTY of room in my life for improvement. I need to deal with the control issues, the anger, the abortion (27 years ago, but I only ready to tackle it now). I need to come up with a Plan A, because my way is NOT working. I need to trust that God will deal with my husband, instead of me trying to do it for God. Prayers and encouragement are appreciated!!!

Mel - what a devastating experience for you. What punishment to have to suffer the ordeal twice. I've never heard of such a thing happening - it seems that the abortionist must have been terribly negligent. Am I wrong here? I don't expect a reply - I'm sure you'd rather not talk about it. TT