We had a bad night - ups and downs - one minute talking about the lawyer he will see today, next minute, saying he wants to stay. I didnt follow my own advice very well, due to some "interesting" things he had to say - Bad me - I need to not get defensive sometimes or hurt. I need to let things slide off me.

My question I am dealing with today is Sunday is our anniversary. It's important to me. We have never celebrated an anniversary before, we always got busy - never made a deal about it - it was something I always wanted something to be made a deal about. Last year, he had a sports event on our anniversary, and I was so happy to give him as a gift, the weekend to go play his sport. Of course I was a little disappointed that we weren't going to celebrate again, but I was really happy that he could go play and enjoy himself! Of course - right now - he looks at it differently - he thinks I was so fumed at him, and tells me he didn't want to go, he just went because he thought I was pushing him to go - talk about our poor communication back then - cause it wasnt that way at all...and of course being that my EA/PA started 4 months later, he just looks as it as a major lead up (when I know for a fact any resentment or problems I had leading before the A, started at the end of June)

So I am well aware that right now - he feels our vows are pointless - that it is basically 6 wasted years, as I threw it all away the minute I betrayed him. I see his point. But I also 6 years together - the EA/PA took 3 months of those 6 years, not all of them. My anniversary means so much to me - ESPECIALLY this year.

But I wont do anything that makes him feel uncomfortable, and I am scared that even buying him a card would make him have a horrible day.

So I guess my question is - as the BS, would you have prefered the FWS just pretended it was another day? Not even acknowlodge it? if I do this - I need to ignore phone calls that day and throw out mail I know we get from other people who send their wishes. Will it help him get through it better if I don't acknowledge it? Sadly, I know it's going to be a very bad day for him and not a reminder of the good things, just a reminder of the broken vows.

I want to get him a card, so much, but I just don't know if I should. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know what to do someday. Today is a hard day. Last night was a bad night.

-ds

DS, I would want it acknowledge even by just a card and a special dinner at home. No big celebration just an acknowledgement.

DS,

I'm sorry you guys are having a rough time. You know I cannot really advise you on the anniversary-thing. But, here's some food for thought...

If your anniversary is a trigger for him, maybe you could just support him in his pain. Maybe this anniversary could just be about him. Could you ask him what he needs or what might make this a better day for him?

or...

If you feel the need to get a card, what if you got one that didn't necessarily say "Happy Anniversary". They make cards for all occassions these days. Maybe you could just get him one that tells him how you feel about him. Those are always my favorite cards to receive.

Deeply Sorry,
I remember going through those same emotions after D day.
We actually had a small weekend planned to go away together for our anniversary before everything errupted. We talked about whether or not to stay with the plans and go on the trip. We decided that it would be a good idea. A time to just be and focus on the 2 of us. To begin anew. It turned out to be a very good weekend. Not the big hoop las like you sometimes do for anniversaries.

You will be in my thoughts. I hope all works out well. Keep us posted. We are here for you. So glad others are reaching out to you to help you heal as well. Seeing the other side of the coin helps us to better understand how we can repair the hurt and damage we have caused.

-Gypsy Wind

Just let your husband know that you value your marriage and are thankful that you are still together. He's dealing with a lot of emotions, betrayal, anger, confusion and yes fog. Trust is the issue that he is trying to deal with as well I am sure. Make a small dinner, spend some quiet time together. Do something together

DS I can only speak for me, not Sprint.

Our Anniversary was 6 weeks after d-day and 2 weeks after NC so Squid was withdrawaing.

We went to lunch at our favourite restaurant and Squid said some lovely things about 'for better or worse' and how blessed she felt by my unwavering love for her.

I don;t know how genuine they were, after all it was really soon after d-day, but it was nice to hear.

I liked her card which read "I am very happy to make this anniversary with you despite my best efforts to fvck it all up. I pray and hope we make many many more together. Love. Squid".

That meant a whole lot.

All blessings DS.

Our 10th anniversary is coming up in June, If Kev were to ignore it, I WOULD BE DEVISTATED!!! It would just reaffirm to me that it was a total waist, that he wished it never had happened. I am hoping he makes the BIGGEST Deal ever. If you don't usually do anything special, make this year a benchmark for future years.

A nice letter of why you love him and Why you want to make this work would be great. A romantic dinner, in or out (with kids I KNOW it is hard!). MAKE him remember WHY you got married.

Honestly, I think just skipping over it would be VERY bad idea. (At least it WILL be at my house if Kevin does.)
-ang

DS

A note to say that I know some BS/FBS feel they are 'rewarding' the FWS if they embrace celebrations of marrige or whatever. As though the gravity of their hurt doesn't overwhelm the celebration.

I decided early on that I was in recovery for the long haul so I hurled myself into such 'gesture' events, but it could be Sprint feels he's saying " its OK what you did" if he doesn;t show his hurt for a day and embraces the celebration.

This is no reason not to send im a card and flowers IMO.

Ask him to dinner in advance
" I know how much I hurt you, but I want you to know that I celebrate the fact that we're still married despite my affair. I would be proud if you'd join me for dinner on blah blah blah.

I completely understand if you feel this is inapprorpiate, but know my feelings of gratifude and love for you will remain."

This is a bit of a slippery slope I'm afraid....

When did facing "uncomfortable" issues become verboten?

I think I understand the *spirit* of what you wrote, but I also think this is not a good idea.

What if doing something *healthy* makes your H "uncomfortable" ... ? What then?

People can be uncomfortable and survive. (and perhaps become stronger too !!! Imagine that !!! )

Be careful here ... there is a difference between deliberately causing someone you love unhappiness and harm ... and facing some uncomfortable realities.

Just a thought....

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Sorry guys - just having a rough morning.

Deleted this.

DS

I'm having a good long think on this one. I know I did not handle mine very well in March - I made way to many assumptions so I'm being very careful here.

My experience tells me Bob has it right for your H BUT I feel its a very good opportunity, far to good to let slip by without somehow, some way letting him know that though you messed up HE is the MAN in your life. One horrible mistake should not destroy 6 years of love, and there are the kids to consider to.

It cannot be anything over the top or even the usual traditonal anniversary stuff.... let me ponder on it & lets talk tomorrow. Darn time differences. [[[[[[DS]]]]]]

DS,

Sorry you are having a bad day. I am not a BS, but I thought I would offer you some thoughts along the line of Pep.

I would acknowledge that you are happy to share your 6th anniversary with him.

I would acknowledge that you are happy that he has worked with you this long on recovery and that no matter what happens, you are proud of him as an H.

I would acknowledge that you love him deeply.

I would acknowledge that perhaps like no other this anniversary has a deep meaning for you and will for the rest of your life.

I would NOT ask him how he feels or for that matter worry too much about it. I think this is in line with Pep's thinking. I would not expect or ask him for his undying love. I would just acknowledge what is in your heart and why you are proud to be sitting with him, and a nice (lunch, dinner, breakfast, whatever).

Keep it simple, keep in sincere, and speak from your heart.

Oh, did I say don't cry? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Well, try you best OK? Seriously, say these things with the emotion, but NOT the pain that you feel. Do you see what I am thinking?

I hope it helps you with your thinking.

God Bless,

JL

DS,
Our 13th anniversary was 4 days after D-day.I was suppose to take my kids to the mall 2 hrs away with a friend. I found a calling card in his backpack it was'nt used.I called him and told him after work we needed to talk some more. He left work and ended up going with me.He said he sould of said something about our ann before he left but did'nt know how. When we got back we went to dinner oursleves. I found out a little more about the A.I also found out how much we'd loved eachother. We just spent the night talking.We did'nt even say happy anniversary i don;t think.This yr might be hard for me because i could call it another d-day. I just hope i don't.I think the dinner sounds nice. maybe have a card on the side just incase things go your way.

LL