I know that I will probably get a 2x4 for this, but I am going thru a D and I just started dating.
My STBX has made it clear that reconcilation is not an option. He is "quite happy" with the new GF.
Anyway I started dating and have met some really nice men. I started to date at first just to feel that I too was moving on with my life. However the more I date the happier I feel. I no longer seem to want my WH back. I don't think of him as much during the day and I seem to care less about what him and his GF are doing (Unless it is his time with DD, then I don't like the thought of GF being around)
There is one man that I can tell is really interested in something more than casual dating. I have told him that I needed time for my life to settle and I wanted to continue to date him and other men. I think that I need to date other men so that I know for sure what I really want in a person. The problem is is that I am feeling closer and closer to him. Reality is screaming that it is way too soon for me to be even thinking about a relationship, but part of me seems to want it.
Anyway my question is how can I tell if it is a rebound relationship? I don't want to hurt him. So when do you know that you have healed and are ready. I know that I still have more healing to do, but being with him seems to be helping me. Am I using him?

Dear MEWF ~ Thanks for the honesty & questions. I've been divorced for about 1 year now. WW has been gone for 1.5 yrs. Affair is now coming up on 6 yrs ago.

Here are a few guidelines I've learned both in study & unfortunately the hard way -- my own experience.

1. Your first serious relationship soon after divorce will nearly always turn out to be a rebound relationship. It is nearly always doomed to failure per the statistics. Do you want that?

2. When are you ready? Tonight John Tesh radio show quoted Dr. Phil on this issue. He said, "When you are truly at peace with being single, then you're at least in a position to be able to consider another relationship." Clearly, this indicates you have to go through a period of singleness to get to that comfort level.

3. There are no short cuts! None!! Period!!! We all have to do the time of healing & self-reconciling after one of life's worst traumas...divorce!

4. Nothing wrong with friendships. But YOU will have to establish healthy boundaries for both you and him. That means: no exclusive relationships. You are required right now NOT to be exclusive with anyone. Isn't good for you OR them.

5. Lastly, ignoring these relationship rules means consequences. They ain't pleasant ones either.

Seek God's guidance in this too. You've never needed Him more!!

God bless,
High Flight

Hi MEWF``

Highflight has some helpful insight for you, please think about it carefully.

My x was having the affair the last 1.5 yrs of our marriage. I knew about it for the 1 year. I tried my hardest to make it work, through counseling and being the absolute best I could be.
After I finally got it, that he wanted this ow only, I filed for divorce.

I fell for someone in the midst of my divorce. I did not plan it, I had been to the bottom of life and was vulernable.
Legally, when you file, you may be told that you can date.
But, in the end, you have to live with yourself.

All I'm saying is, be careful. Be true to yourself.
I have so much shame for starting a relationship with someone before I was officially divorced.
It has pretty much ruined the relationship between this guy and I.
He has treated me spectacular, but I can't get past the guilt of meeting him too soon.

I understand your feeling. Being married to someone who leaves you for another, you want to feel like you are attractive, good to be around, fun, the list goes on.

Everyone has to do what is right for them, so I won't tell you what you should do.
What I will say is, be careful. I do think there is time needed to feel this alone time, and be comfortable with that.

Take care of yourself.
Karona

I don't want to give you a 2x4, but, since you brought it up..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> just kiddin.

The phrase that caught my attention is where you said Reality is screaming that it is way too soon for me to be even thinking about a relationship. Sometimes our conscience knows what it is talking about. You are right for feeling cautious. I can't tell you to end the relationship and run the other way, but I definitely think you should keep the brakes on and concentrate on friendship. Taking things slow can be more fun and better in the long run.

When I started dating my BF, he had just lost his W 2 months prior. I was terrified to start dating him. But I wasn't going to make his decisions for him. I just kept the brakes on the relationship, and constantly said things like lets just take this one day at a time, lets take things slow, lets be careful, lets enjoy the journey, etc. I kept my heart guarded as well, because I knew I was probably his Rebound Relationship. We dated for 2 and 1/2 years, but I gave him lots of space and time to go through grieving his W, and was cautious when he thought he was ready to marry me right away! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, etc. Rebounds are quite a roller coaster. SHould he have spent this time alone instead of with me??? Who knows. But it worked out OK.

Be aware of the dangers of Rebound Relationships. John Gray's "Mars and Venus Starting OVer" covers the dangers of Rebounds, the different needs of Men and Women when starting over, dating, etc. If you are aware of the dangers, you can watch out for them if you [color:"purple"]choose [/color] to stay in this relationship... and you can manuever the obstacles and learn from them.

But again... your conscience may be raising that red flag to get out.

P.S. I didn't even mention the fact that you're technically still married. I feel everyone should wait til the divorce is final til they start dating.

Good luck!

For me, I realize that I *must* remain single until I am happy with myself, not requiring someone else to validate my existence.

Women seem to fall in love with me pretty quickly, and me with them. This has *not* worked for me in the long run, since I think they are falling in love with an ideal, and not the real me. Eventually, the things women love about me become the things they hate about me, they cannot change me, so they leave. (whaaa... call the whaaaambulance)

Go slow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for all the replys - It gives a lot of food for thought. In my heart I know that I am not ready for a serious relationship. I don't feel guilty about dating. At first, I wanted to wait until the D was final. Perhaps I was hoping for a change of his heart, but that's not going to happen. And like I said the more I have dated (which is not a lot) the more I don't want him back. We appear to be fighting over custody and I think it could drag out for a while.
I know that I don't need a man to make me complete, but I must say I like the feelings of being wanted. I will heed the advice given and take things very slow.

One of the most unfair things about being the betrayed spouse is that our spouse is out and about having a love affair. They have all the implies, a partner, somebody to be with, affection, and sex. They are getting all the emotional needs met. We on the other hand are left empty, lonely and wondering if anybody will ever find us desirable again. Our emotional needs are not being met at all.

It's very unfair and in my case I got very angry about it. So, I got some professional help, and read lots of books about recovery, being single and eventually dating. I did a lot of socializing with groups of men and women. Went to bars to hear bands, went to singles dances, and took classes. It all helped.

But, I still had to have my transition girl. There was not way around it. At least we have remained friends and will occasionally meet for coffee and catch up on things in our lives.

My rebound relationship sent me scurrying right back into seclusion ... Hurt like salt in open wounds - pretty much WAS salt in open wounds.

There's no rush. Waiting is not going to hurt you - rushing, that is almost guaranteed to hurt.

T

A person has to learn for themselves that relationships extremely soon after the divorce are almost always rebound...i'm sure there are a few exceptions to the rule. Dating is fun, and it feels good to be wanted and desired again, but there must be healing before a serious relationship can really take root and grow into something long-term. I thought I was ready less than a year from my D. I dated a nice Christian guy and got engaged. I was engaged about 1 week and then realized I wanted to be single!!!!! I WANTED to heal and experience what it would be like to be just me...without a spouse. I almost did the same thing again 6 months later. Now at 2 years and 2 months past my D, I realize I had to go through those things just for the learning purpose....
I think everyone may need to go through several relationships before they come to realize that what everybody was trying to tell them on MB was really true....
I wish you the best....
Just have fun, be safe, and try to keep from getting TOO serious about someone before you're completely healed.
KK

I'd like to pursue this line of thought. Why do you feel this way? I know I've heard it from lots of people here, but I don't think I agree with it and am wondering what I am missing.

For me, it has depended on the sitch. DISCLAIMER: I am not dating. DISCLAIMER: The reason I'm not dating is NOT because my D is not final. It's because I have other priorities right now.

In my case, he wanted the D. And was 100% certain about it then, and still now. I have moved out and moved on, bought my own house, and we've split everything up. We are just starting the paperwork now, having held out for various financial and legal reasons. There is nothing to contest; no assets to distribute. It's all done. There are no kids and no joint property. And, there is no possibility of going back. I can barely remember living with him, or in that house - I feel like I've been here forever, and on my own forever.

It hasn't been that long. But I do not feel married to him, committed to him, or in any way obligated to him. So, what's the harm? To me the legalities are just that: legalities.

Justin and Terri,

I echo your thoughts and have been there too!!

The guy I had been dating is/was so wonderful. I'm still at a point when it hurts to think of him.

It was me that couldn't handle the relationship, because it was too soon, and I needed to feel the singleness. Which in my case, is lonliness and don't go outness. But, I think it is very needed.

You have been given such honest advice here MEWF. I won't tell you what to do, as you have the right to your choices.
Just be careful. Your heart is still mending.

Karona

First off, I'm one of those who strongly believes you should not only wait until your divorce is over but also until you've became somewhat emotionally healthy.

My biggest thought on this is that if you are not healthy, the likelyhood of you being able to pick a healthy partner is greatly deminished.

I do not know of one single book that recommends it to be benificial to date while your going through a divorce, as a matter of fact most believe it's best to wait longer than most would like to.

I also feel like that by dating early, one is simply delaying the healing/grieving process that they will eventually have to go through. I have known people who casually dated and seriously dated people while divorcing and by the time they make it into what should be the solid relationship, they find that they never fully/properly grieved/healed and it troubles that GOOD relationship.

I, personally, waited over 3 years after my divorce to date. I was married 12 years. I did this for many reasons, one being my own sanity. Another was the affects that dating could have on my children, since atleast early on, any one I would have dated would have known my girls. But mainly, I did it for myself. I got comfortable with me and did HUGE amounts of self discovery and self growth. I'm at a place now where I can OFFER all of me to someone. I do believe that all too often people date and get into relationships before they are able to offer all of themselves, they find their comfort zone, and ignore their past without properly disposing of it, thus the luggage grows.

All that being said, I also believe that early dating can serve a purpose but I've rarely, if ever, seen it done so. It can be a self-esteem booster, but like with other things that can be harmful, it should be done with moderation and control. All too often SEX creeps early into these relationship further clouding what you actually have. And again, all too often these end and now instead of grieving just the loss of your marriage your left to heal from the loss of another partner. But then you'll rebound again and cycle continues.

IMHO to have the best opportunity and assurance of a future successful relationship, I believe it's best to take your time, heal, discover, grow, fully grieve, and then date. The mold doesn't work for everyone but it would work for more than would admit it.

PS.....For the sake of discussion, I left out my religous points of view which would say you are called to follow man's law, which by man's law you are married.

I should point out that my comments were in regard to dating only, not getting married or engaged, or even being part of an LTR. And SEX?? None of that either. I think. Not sure, as I seem to have forgotten what sex is. Somewhere in the back of my mind.....

Tell me about it being unfair... My exh is living with his OW after our Divorce.. Although, I do have a friend whom I see from time to time but nothing serious... I just don't have those rebound feelings which to me is a sign of I'm not ready to be in a relationship yet. I long for the companionship but yet I'm scared of being rejected again. I get very lonely, I go to work, pick up my son from daycare, go home. It's almost like all my energy is drain to be in a relationship anyways. Time heals and I'm gettng better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What a good topic. I am in the middle to late stages of my D. My STBXW is still deep in her A with OM (I predict they will be either broken up or engaged within 1 year of the finality of our D). I am more than ready to terminate this marriage.

Anyway, to get on track I'd like to say that I feel I am ready to date and have gone on a few. (I know a lot here would disagree since I am still legally married, but my M has been over for a long time, the D is just a formality) I have been on a couple of dates and I really like the woman. I am afraid it may be just the rebound thing that is making me so attracted to her. We seem to get along great, we spend a lot of time talking, getting to know each other, I just wonder if I am so attracted to her because she is filling those needs that I hadn't gotten from my STBXW in a loooooong time. She makes me feel desirable again. She enjoys my company where my WW didn't seem to. She makes me feel like I am worthwhile. There is a 10 year age gap but we seem to have a lot in common, more so than my WW and I even prior to her A.

I look forward to talking to her and seeing her when I can. We talk every day via tx, and see each other, if even only for a few minutes almost every day. Wedid have the "relationship" talk and neither of us want to get too serious. So no committment and that is fine with me. I don't want to get involved with the first woman I date, just because she makes me feel good. I would like to know why "rebound relationships" are almost doomed from the start. Anyone?

Justin -
What you said about the betrayed spouse is so true. I am upset that WH could so easily get his emotional needs met, while I am here picking up my life that he destroyed. I do miss being held and made to feel special. This said I know that I am not ready for a serious relationship, but can it hurt if I date?

I understand the part of needing to emotionally healed, but how do you know when that happens? I have to admit that I am feeling happier now that I am dating and I really am seeing that I don't want XWH back. About a month ago, I cried at the thought of starting over without him. I guess I feel that I am healing, but now I have my concerns because I want to date and maybe that's not a good thing.

Here is some food for thought. I believe I got this link from someone here a long time ago (redhat, perhaps).

Rebound Relationships

Hi chris,

I think it has pretty much already been explained why rebound relationships are doomed almost from the start.

You are in such pain and filled with such loneliness that you meet someone and immediately start feeling euphoric and good because of the excitement of a new love affair. It is like the WS and their affair. This is a physical reaction when certain endorphins are released in response to an attraction.

It is not until later that you realize that this person does not fill all your needs sufficiently to become a permanent part of your life. Slowly the endorphins wear off - within a year to eighteen months and the love bank begins to look neutral or negative.

Either that or a bunch of LBs occur too early in the relationship for a positive love bank to be established and the LBs are related to baggage that you carry in with you from your previous relationship.

When some of the previous posters described doing some personal growth - allowing themselves to just be without a relationship, they found that they could find a way to be happy with themselves and by themselves. Doing things that they enjoyed and figuring out what they enjoyed doing and their own likes and dislikes. These are things that are sometimes sacrificed in a relationship when you subvert part of yourself to accomodate a partner.

Now that you've discovered who and what you are - and given yourself time to heal and to figure out what you really want.... Now you are ready for a relationship.

Hey - maybe for you it only takes 3 weeks and the rest of us are slow learners. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sunny

I must be terribly old-fashioned. For me that would be taking it very, very fast... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />