Woah!

I never expected such a response - thank you everyone! Sorry I've been away - had to pick up kids from school/feed kids/bath kids/put them to bed etc. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

NY, I really appreciate you coming forward and posting for me, especially as it is still so painful for you. Knowing that our sitches are so similar is a comfort in that I know that people can recover from this.

Faithful,

I haven't exposed the affair - he has. He is desperate to validate his new R and has told friends and family - he is going to Spain next week to be introduced to OW parents! Good Catholic family - should be interesting for them. Unfortunately there's no way I can contact them and give my side of the story.

H told his own parents he would never visit them unless he could bring OW! I told my MIL that I didn't object to them visiting as I didn't want to put them in an awkward position. Before I found this board, I must add!

Mr Pure, thanks for staying with me!

WAT - I am honoured! I really appreciate you looking in. Yes, I know I'm a wet napkin, but I am getting stronger. The thing is, I was shy and lacked confidence before H left me; now this has happened, any confidence I did have is down the toilet! I am, frankly, quite terrified of contacting the OW, and of further exposure. I know it has worked for others. But I feel that it would just make my H hate me - permanently. If I contacted the headmaster/chaplain/church body of the school, what could I say? It just seems like further humiliation too. I'm afraid they'd just say 'well, we can't interfere with staff's private lives' or something like that.

Hiker,

I want you to know that I really appreciate your post - I understand that not everyone handles these things the same way.

Thank you.

And what would happen if you don't? Children exposed to this kind of sin right under their noses? You really have nothing to lose by exposing and some dignity to gain by doing so, IMVHO.

Whoa indeed! Hold EVERYTHING!!


This is a church affiliated school?

Pennies from heaven!!

Call the headmaster today and squeal like a pig. What do you say? "Hi, I'm Mrs. Alphin, Mr. Alphin's wife and the mother of our children. I feel I am obligated to inform you that my husband is conducting an extramarital affair with Ms. Skankylosaur, contray to the virtues that I know that [Church] and [School] stand for. Please explain to me what your ploicies for these types of unacceptable situations are. Also, please inform me as to how I can reach the Chairman of [school governing board]."

Step up to the plate for your family and your integrity. Will your H be mad? Sure will. That's a given no matter what you do other than roll over. Don't roll over. Take a stand.

WAT

Amen, WAT. Oh and Alphin it will show your children what you stand for too. Honey, we all are afraid of exposure. It does indeed make the WS rant and rave in anger but it works most of the time. WAT, can you bump your exposure thread for her?

What if he loses his job?

What if you lose your husband?

Losing his job was a valid concern he SHOULD HAVE HAD BEFORE GETTING INVOLVED IN AN AFFAIR.

Do not protect him from the consequences of his actions.

Follow WATS suggestion immediately.
Find a way to inform this nice catholic spanish family of the impending visit of this ADULTOROUS COUPLE. Also immediately.

You're telling the truth. If they're not ashamed of the truth, then no one should have any problems, right?

Get things straight with your inlaws. You're going to fight for your family.

Right.

So, do I go to the head first, then the chaplain, then the board of governers, then the funding body - how far up?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Yes, his comment is stunningly stupid and selfish ... but also typical infidelity jibborish ... don't take this crap to heart.

What truely good and nice thing have you done for yourself today?

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I recommend you start with the headmaster first and see what the response is. If he/she indicates that he/she will not act, go up to the next rung. Along the way, describe that you didn't get the response you expected on the previous rung.

If you get cold feet, remember you're acting in the best interests of all - including the church and school as a whole.

Also, is OW an "alien" of the other sort? Could she be sent home if she loses her job? Is her job of a probationary sort?

WAT

Start with the first two.
Keep expanding your circle of exposure if you get no results.

Find her family. Let them know he is a married man with a wife who is committed to saving her family. CRITICAL.
The family will put pressure on the fantasy. And it will not allow them to portray their relationship as anything other than a seedy extramarital affair.

Still feeling hopeless Alph <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You buy advertising time on a huge billboard just outside the school and advertise their infidelity to the world !!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

NO????

Well, in that case, here's a suggestion.

Go to the top locally ... whoever is in charge of the school. If this does not produce some satisfactory reaction, go higher up to the regional level.

this is WAR and infidelity is the enemy ... don't be afraid to shoot.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pep! Thanks for looking in.

What nice thing have I done for myself today? Hmm... well, I had a hot shower, took my meds, phoned my mom, talked to my kids... I haven't really got to the stage of doing anything special yet. Oh! I looked at myself in the mirror, and rejoiced that I have lost over 30lb since all this started! It was a terrible way to lose weight, but I haven't been this thin since before I had Elder D!

Wat,

I don't really know anything about the OW, apart from what I've already mentioned. I know she hasn't been in the country very long. I know she comes from a strict family - she wasn't allowed to drink coffee until she was 25 (she's 28 now). Her father is a retired captain from the Spanish army; her mother was a stay-at-home for three kids. I get the feeling that OW is kind of naive - not allowed to drink coffee until she's 25? And she doesn't get on with her dad.

Lexxy - I can't think of any way of getting in touch with her family - she's in the uk and they are in spain; I'm guessing she's the only one who knows their contact details, and I don't think she'd pass them on to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Bob

I wasn't trying to discourage her. Maybe I just should have not written that response.

Others were saying that every WS say "....." I don't think that is the truth. I certainly lied, and wiggled to try to break free. I kept information to myself for as long as I could. The OW and I renewned contact and I didn't "own up" to that either until the truth came out here on this board. I am certainly no angel and I caused horrible devastation to my W and I don't know if she'll ever really fully recover.

Soooo to Alphin if I caused you any discouragement or added to your pain in anyway I apologize. It was not my intent to do so. I will try to be more sensitive to you and others in the future.
Hiker

Hey Hiker,

I understand that each sitch is different - hey we're all individuals right?

You didn't cause any discouragement or offense of any kind.

Alph.

Do you know what city they live in?
Hire a PI if you need to. This is so critical.

This is all the good stuff .... stay connected to those you love....

When I needed to, I arranged a babysitter for all night and had a sleepover with my girlfriends.

Do some silly stuff every day to perk you up.

YOU are doing *great*

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />