Also, remember...your daughter does not go with her, nor does most of the household belongings...until a judge rules.

Second, she must understand that you will pay nothing towards her new place or anything about it. Nothing. Make sure you are clear on these things, Gramn.

In His arms.

What was said about these things?
She will have to think about this stuff. I made it clear what our budget is. She said "We wouldn't be in this mess if you'd sell the house!"

Neither of us know what is going on with this.

She wasn't happy about this, but didn't complain much. (She was the one who first said that we needed to separate our finances!)

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This part is proving tricky. Since she had to quit the Y, she doesn't do much right now besides cart around our daughter. We'll see what the courts rule.


That is clear and I will enforce it. That is one of the reasons for my new account.

And how, pray tell, will she be paying for the apartment? And how does she know the Y's board will be meeting today? Is she still in touch with OM?

Her 401k? Not sure. Maybe she thinks I'll pay for it.

As far as I can tell, she is not in touch with OM. The woman who she has been living with is the wife of one of the Y's board members. She doesn't feel right discussing the situation with this guy, but probably still gets a little info from him.

Which part is proving tricky? The furnishings are simple, change your locks. The daughter, yes since you haven't taken a stand yet, it is more difficult but there is a way. Have you been served? What has your attourney said about this?

Gramn....another thing that happened to someone in recovery. Right now my XW and I are moved back in, we're joining finances and we're getting joint cards and such. We've seen the lawyer and voided the divorce agreement, set things up legal. We both protected ourselves... We're common law married, I am still quite leary of marriage in legal terms...however back to my threadjack. We just got our new credit cards. They came yesterday and they're an "affiliation - a logo on it"...I just told her her new card was active. Her response was...I won't take this card...not with this on it. I'll admit I did not get it. I was upset. As we went to bed she told me that she "knew I wasn't trying to make her feel bad....about the cards..my reply was "I honestly can't imagine what you're talking about. This was something you have been asking me to do and I was scared...now I am not and you're upset. I do not understand...She then told me why would I want a credit card with the place you were at when I was unfaithful on it (her affair was consumated while she was away in Vegas, for work, I was awy with our son at a place in Florida)? In the dark I smiled to myself and told her, because it never crossed my mind...I smiled cause it hadn't...
Moral....RECOVERY TAKES TIME...listen to what everyone is saying...

sorry for threadjack...

The daughter is the only tricky part. The attorney says that until there is a ruling for temporary custody, then they won't enforce anything. So, one of us has to be served, then the other has to respond and then there has to be a determination.

Until then, we can each do what we want with her.

Which means YOU keep her there with you...in her home.

In His arms.

EXACTLY!!!!! OK, Gramm, humor me for a moment. I know all the reasons, justifications, and excuses why this isn't happening right now. PUH-lease take a moment to ponder WHY it should happen and HOW you could make it happen and of WHAT benifit would it be to the parties involved if it did happen.

IMHO, every day that your daughter is away from you puts a kink in your case. Some may disagree but you know what they say possession is 9/10th of the law.

I agree with all of these justifications, but don't know how to put this advice into effect. I have to go to work every day. Wife does not.
At this point, even if I took daughter and put her into some Daycare, her mom could (perfectly legally) come and get her out.

If I WITHHOLD her from her mother, that would count against me. (Thats one of the state custody guidelines.)

Also, because she is no longer seeing OM or going to the Y, Wife doesn't have much to do besides hang out with our daughter. (That doesn't matter, but it does illustrate how much she is trying to be with the girl)

SO, rather than think of these as EXCUSES, please help me around these OBSTICLES. How do I get past them?

You may not be able to get past them...that is true. But you need to continue to say that you want your daughter to be in her bed every night, that your wife is welcome to stay in her own home. By your silence, it means you are condoning your daughter staying somewhere else...and ultimately living somewhere else.

So, you tell her that you want your daughter to stay in her bed in her home. That your wife can live there, or leave at night to stay where hse is staying and come i nthe morning to get your daughter.

Now, does she have to listen to you? Nope. But you continue to be on record (which you document) that you are not for what she is doing to your daughter. This is very key in court.

Also, how is she getting around? How does she have money for gas and other things (food, etc)? Are you still providing any of that?

In His arms.

Gramn -

I know all of this is horrible for you. But hang in there. You just exposed the affair - what, about 2 weeks ago? If your wife is not having contact with Y-guy, she is already two weeks into withdrawal. So we can hope for a short withdrawal.

I think your main focus right now should be responding to the D-papers - if you get them, and trying to talk to your wife about the possibility that she may be pregnant.

Yeah, based on what my Lawyer said, I should not cut off money for "regular" expenses. That is fine, as long as I'm not funding anything else.

BUT, now that I have set up a new bank account, I'll be able to keep MUCH tighter control on Wife's spending. She has not spent money on clothing or anything, but I will not fund her night out at the bar either...

Do you have any vacation time at work? Maybe a good time to take a week or so off. I guess you don't know when your preliminary hearing is yet.

In an ideal situation, if you got served today and court was 2 weeks away, then if you could take vacation to keep your cash flowing in, then you could enforce it. Other than that do as MM suggested and keep pushing for time, time, time, time with your daughter, every day.

No vacation left, darn it.

But I have had time with Daughter every day. Fun for both of us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Gramn:

I really regret having to share this with you. I've been holding back on this for a few days now.

I'm not so sure that she is not still in contact with the Y-GUY. I wouldn't buy this unless I had definite truth. Given she knows that you will act in exposing, they may be laying low. This is a war and they can be sneaky.

For example, my H would call me, like your WW is calling you, when he wanted to make sure that I was in place at home. That's when he would get with the OW after D-Day. I was still in PLAN A and was so happy about him being cordial with me that I was not aware that was the tactic he was using. WAR GAMES....

Just take good care and be watchful and suspicious. They will not be able to let go of the A easily given its high addictiveness. This is true regardless of the tragic consequences for them. It's unbelievable how low my FWH sunk before reaching his bottom....

Also, you have to wonder if she is trying to get pregnant to catch him, to get him back...

I'm telling you, WSes are temporarily insane and desperate. In my opinion, your WW sounds suspicious.....

I am praying that I am ABSOLUTELY WRONG but please stay on guard and consider this as being possible. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did during false recoveries. I was devastated....and wish I had been less trusting of him....

Gramn, I agree with Mimi. Been following for a while, and she seems suspicious to me too. I definitely don't feel she has enough "motivation" to go NC right now, and if the Y-guy does, it's only because of his job. Which, I'm sure he thinks if he is sneaky enough, he could still possibly get his job back AND remain in the affair...I don't know. It just doesn't seem likely that they are really having NC with each other.

My only point is that you should still have your guard WAY up on this one.

Thanks for the opinions, and you may be right. I have no evidence to back this up though, but I am watchful. She has caught on to some of my tricks though, so it will be difficult to find out the truth this time.

She has been panicy and today was dissapointed that her new councilor couldn't do anything to make her feel better. She also used that same line on me again that I "ruined her future" by breaking them up. I'm still on guard though.
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Considering my [email]cr@ppy[/email] life, today went pretty well today:
No Divorce papers yet
We had lunch together
Tonight, daughter came home and later fell asleep, so she is sleeping in her own bed tonight.

-When wife comes to get her tomorrow, she offered to bring breakfast for us! (What's up with that?!?)

"Dear, I believe it was the OM who broke up with you, not me. I guess he wasn't as serious as you about the affair. I am so sorry he bailed on you."

Gramn:

Yep, stay on your guard... ...but be receptive 2 the positive things she tries, 2.

Reason is that, although you can't be sure she isn't trying 2 bamboozle you, you aren't 100% certain that she isn't at least "trying" an eensy little bit in her own, special, foggy way, either.

That's why staying on your guard will keep you out of trouble, no matter what.

-ol' 2long