Mahhm-

Exposure is scary......and your WH will be furious initially, but it works WELL, it makes them both uncomfortable, and that's what you want.

When you do expose make sure you do it all in one fell swoop, call EVERYONE you plan on calling, one after the other.

I got my evidence (Voice activated tape recording), called my FWH, said "Are you done lying to me?" He said "What are you talking about?" I said "Are you done lying to me?" He said "I don't know what you're talking about." I said "Are you done lying to me about OW?" He started to say "I already told you there's nothing going......" I pushed play on the tape recorder and put the phone up to the speaker and let him listen for a minute, then I said "Are you done lying to me now?" He went ballistic......screaming "YOU TAPPED MY PHONE?!?!?!" I calmly said "It would appear so" etc, etc.....I then called OW's cell, and calmly left a message on her voice mail, that I didn't appreciate it and that she was welcome to call me, and then I called absolutely EVERYONE that could influence them and make them uncomfortable....I got several IRATE calls from my FWH, he had immediately run home and looked for the *bug* (I had already taken the recorder out)and called me screaming "Where is it??!?!" Then when he got back to work, I had called the shops adjacent to his and told them, so as soon as he got back to work people were asking him questions, and he called me again screaming "WTF did you do? Everywhere I go people are asking me what's going on" then he clinched it with "I hate you".....within 2 days he was back at my house and we were having SF.

Don't be scared, it's actually pretty empowering, I wasn't remotely embarrassed....I wasn't doing anything wrong, and it blows over VERY fast.

There's a reason that he is still with you......you are meeting some needs that his OW isn't, you need to use this to your advantage and fill his EN's MORE....BETTER.....you actually may want to do this for a few days before you expose, that'll really confuse him, also Plan A makes it VERY hard for your WH to justify his reasons for the affair....here he's doing all this stuff to hurt you, and you're being wonderful to him.....it sure makes it hard to rationalize the affair.

-Caren

I wonder if that is the only reason WS is staying around. I thought maybe it was our financial situation or even the kids. I can't imagine I am fullfilling any of WS EN's. WS barely talks to me. If I get to close WS pulls away. Its funny he still has sex with me. I wonder if it is because of guilt. WS just called to let me know he will working late tonight(will be seeing OW). He tried to actually talk to me. He must be feeling really guilty. I said ok. We will see you when you get home. I really getting tired of being nice.

mahhm

mahhm, believe me, you would be surprised how many needs you actually are meeting of his. If you didn't, he would be gone. I know it doesn't seem now like he needs - or wants - you at all, but that is only because he is emotionally detached from you. He is currently getting his needs met in 2 places, from you and the OW and is loving it!

Your job right now is to do your best attract him back to you. Look your best, act your best, in everything you do, ask yourself if you would be attracted to him if you were him. That is what Plan A is, along with the avoidance of lovebusters plus exposure.

So, keep being very nice to him, but just be more strategic. That is an advantage that you have. He is not strategic at all right now so this gives you a leg up.

Yes, Mahm:

I'm chiming in to support Mel and Caren's posts. You definitely are meeting his ENs. A part of him wishes that you weren't meeting his needs. Then he would be less confused and able to rationalize his A. Once you start PLAN A, he might even try to steer you off course.

Try to get a copy of SURVIVING AN AFFAIR and read up on ENs under BASIC CONCEPTS of the MB Website. Then you will see what needs you are meeting. One is Sexual Fulfillment. Another maybe Financial Security. Do not downplay the importance or significance of these needs to him.

He is following the WS Script to a tee.

Remember he does not have a PLAN. You do.

Hi, Yesterday was a rough day. I some how managed to fake the whole thing. WS said I looked happy. Later, that night WS wanted talk about R. He had to go all the way 16 yrs and said he dosen't know if he can keep his promises (wedding vows). Am I suppose to feel sorry for WS. I did not respond, I just listened. WS confesses he is crap. I did not say anything. Why is WS always bringing up the R? Is WS looking for BS to put him out? I try to avoid talking about R. I am in the process of planning expose to OW and WS job and OW family. I wonder will WS have enough courage to leave home after exposure! Is this a normal script for someone still in the fog?

mahhm

Re: Help! I am lost [Re: mimi1254]
#2723009 - 06/02/05 10:02 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply

Sort of new to site. I post reply in wrong place. I tried to correct it.

Hi, Yesterday was a rough day. I some how managed to fake the whole thing. WS said I looked happy. Later, that night WS wanted talk about R. He had to go all the way 16 yrs and said he dosen't know if he can keep his promises (wedding vows). Am I suppose to feel sorry for WS. I did not respond, I just listened. WS confesses he is crap. I did not say anything. Why is WS always bringing up the R? Is WS looking for BS to put him out? I try to avoid talking about R. I am in the process of planning expose to OW and WS job and OW family. I wonder will WS have enough courage to leave home after exposure! Is this a normal script for someone still in the fog?

mahhm

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Listen ... as part of your Plan A strategy ...find some way to compliment your H or admire some thing he's done ... every day find at least one thing.... and mention it to him.

"Honey. Thanks for bringing the newspaper in from the curb. I really appreciate that."

Keep it simple

Keep it honest (no faking)
and maintain eye contact with him when you send him a compliment

DO NOT OVER DO THIS

keep it simple and easy

give him NO reason to fight with you

Keep going with Plan A for a little while, it sounds like you are confusing the heck out of him ! LOL

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

and EXPOSE with a loving smile on your face!

Does exposure usually cause the WS to leave home? I trying to do thing right. So, many little things surface and are not quite sure how to handle. WS has stop kissing me bye, he has stop SF. He doesn't call often from work. I have not mention any of these things to him. I just try to deal with them the best way I can. Do you think I am do the right thing?

No not usually.

Exposure causes the WS to feel embarrased about their secret and then they get angry to hide their embarrasment ...

exposure causes STRESS to the affair NOT to the marriage !!!!

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Yesterday hell day! I went out with my girlfriends. H stay with kids. I came home a little earlier. H pretended not to be on the phone. I check the phone and H had been talking to OW. OW also called my home.(not having it) So, pressed redail and told the OW not to ever call my home again. H gets mad because I called.At this point I am still pretty calm. I then call my friend, which was probably a wrong move, but needed some support. We called the OW on a 3 way and gave her a few choice words. H is now furious. Says this is going to work he wants a divorce. I am thinking please relieve me of misery. I am still pretty calm. I can't wait to implement plan B. Today after church all the things he promised to do today with family is not going to happen because of yesterday. He says he has other things to do( still mad about C of OW). I am ready to put him out. I don't care where he goes to stay. How much time should I give him to look for another place.(can't afford one) I am just really sick of husband's selfish ways.

mahhm

Is there some reason why you aren't doing Plan A? Plan B comes AFTER Plan A for a reason. Plan B does not work until you have done Plan A. Are we wasting our time posting to you?

I am currently in plan A. That is why I was trying to keep control of anger. I real calm about the whole thing, while H is going off! I am tire of being nice and loving to this man who has no understanding of the hurt he is causing me and the kids.

mahhm

Plan A is not about "being nice." The goal of Plan A is to bust up the affair by exposing it and attracting him back into the marriage. You have done none of that. It means doing your best to meet his needs and avoid lovebusters. It doesn't mean you don't confront him about his affair. It just means you do it in a respectful way without angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments.

You are not going to save your marriage by having big fights with him and plotting to kick him out. Why not do something EFFECTIVE for a change and do what we advised: EXPOSE HIS AFFAIR.

That is the best tool in your arsenal and you are not using it. Call the OW's parents and expose them at work. Quit helping them hide their affair.

I have confronted him about his A. He says he doesn't know what he wants, but is not sure he can give up the relationship. I have been avoiding LB's. I am rying to find out where OW works. It was suggested to do everything all in one day. It is not that I want to kick him out, but he is almost unbearable to live with at this point.

mahhm

Expose the affair, mahhm. Call her parents and call your H's boss if she is still working there at all. I wouldn't call her workplace, though. I would also expose to his family members, your family members, and any close friends. Have you talked to your pastor about this? If you belong to a church, the pastor could be a huge help and could have a chat with your H.

Any suggestion on what I should say to his boss? OW does not work in the same office, OW works at a different office. I am not sure where. Can anyone share some of the reactions I can expect to get from H, his boss or OW boss. H and OW are both supervisors at the postoffice. He says he can't get in trouble at work for having an A with another supervisor.

mahhm

Your H will be spitting mad FURIOUS about the exposure, because it jeopardizes his affair. He will make all sorts of threats ["our marriage is over now," blah, blah, blah, they all get furious and they all make idle threats] That is a reaction that you can expect. See, an affair can't survive for long once exposed. But, he will get over his anger soon.

Your marriage can survive exposure, it cannot survive an affair. Exposure is probably the single most effective way to end or hasten the end of an affair. Many affairs end the very day they are exposed. My H's did. There are no guarantees but it definitely has a negative effect on the affair at the very least.

Tell the boss that your H is having an affair with a coworker [give her name] and you are trying to save your marriage. Ask him if he has any suggestions to help you do this.

Mahhm-

Stop calling the OW, you've told her not to call your house anymore, now stop calling her, you are generating sympathy for her from your WH.

Concentrate on Plan Aing and make your list of exposure contacts.

You said he's not sure what he wants.....well that's a GOOD thing......it means he hasn't definitely decided that he wants to divorce you and be with the OW.

Be enticing (You won't feel like doing it), be sweet, be caring.

Everything you'll be doing for the next several months is going to feel wrong. You can't trust what you *Feel* like doing at this point, you need to follow the plans.

-Caren