Karona & Still Reeling ~ I'm truly sorry if that came across harshly. I didn't intend for it at all. I should've chosen a couple of different words than anathema, fatal etc. Please forgive me?

Here's what was driving it. I myself have first hand seen in my community AND in my own saga the damage of these rebound relationships. They are often very wounding and set a person back significantly in the recovery process.

I just haven't seen them work at all! Hence my rather abrupt pronouncement. That is all. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone here even a little bit. We've all gone through enough pain. Specially Still Reeling. So here's a hug for ya, OK??? (((((SR))))

HF

High Flight, when I started reading to catch up, my first thought was if your friend was hoping for something more permenent, maybe you should stop seeing her all together. Then I got to your match post. You absolutely must tell the first lady that there's no hope of a romantic relationship with her. "Free to date others" is too wishy washy for someone who wants more. It leaves hope and expectations. At least in my humble opinion.

No, you can't help how your "heart" reacts, but I hope you realize that in this case a large part of your heart's behavior is related to your distress over your other relationship. In other words, you might call it a "classic rebound relationship thingy." Your need has superimposed a full-fledged instant fantasy onto a woman you have not even met, which will make it quite difficult for you to see who she really is.

At least, that's how it looks to me.

HF-

Don't worry, you weren't too harsh. You hit me with the reality two by four. In my mind, I know where things are at and I know this is what the statistics say will happen, but in my heart I feel and want differently. I have been around MB for nearly four years. I know the statistics, the principles, etc. inside and out, but I let my heart override my judgement - OUCH!!

As for your thoughts on the conflict resolution, I totally hear you, but it was he who was unable to work there. I think it has a lot to do with him coming off of a failed marriage and not accepting anything with "flaws" at this time (Yikes, welcome to the real world) then again, it is part of the healing. Then again he is a math person and very black and white. Me myself, I am very open and very gray. There are definite things to think about all around this.

For me that is why I needed to make a total break. Anything else is totally confusing. In light of this I am also finding a lot of unresolved feelings from my XH's A and our divorce, so no matter how badly I feel, I do know that this is happening so that I can deal with stuff and move on to find the love I want and deserve!

All input, even critical is always appreciated!

Take care and God bless!
K

I agree, that point isn't too far away. There are however, a couple of other questions that need resolution first. Complex to explain, but your point I agree with & is well taken.

HF

No question the temptation to fantasize is ever present for all of us wounded BS types. But, I think it all has to be taken in balance. On one hand, I have hopes & dreams. On the other, I'm fully aware of the rebound emotional thingy. So, I'm altering my course appropriately. Carefully.

Part of what I'm doing is to specifically & intentionally surface these things for discussion with this lady. Getting it all on the table.

Also prayer life kicks in & God helps with wisdom & restraint.

Anyway, we've spoken by phone now. AND, we will meet this weekend. Stay tuned for breaking news!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Best Wishes HF!!

Goodness, that happened so fast! I'm not saying anything wrong there, its just WOW!

Keep us posted.

K

High Flight-

Yesterday you pretty much told me that I had become involved too quickly with a man who isn't available. I totally agree and am working on working through my pain in losing the relationship and other relationship issues in general. To do this I have asked for a complete break, no getting together, no calling, no texting, nothing. He doesn't want this, but I have no choice for now.

My question is, why does a man who wants a break, want to keep calling, hanging out, etc.? I have explained my point of view to him many times, but he only makes it a day or two and then is calling again with some lame excuse. We end up discussing things and then going back to the "go and deal with your issues and leave me alone until you are settled routine."

I clearly don't get where he is coming from and would really appreciate a male perspective!

Take care and God bless!
K

SR ~ Well, first of all, I don't know too much about this situation. The devil's probably in the details. Like just how close have y'all been? What's his childhood like? What was his former significant relationships like? What is his personality type? Is he obssessive? Is he bi-polar? Is he territorial?

Without these in place, hard to say.

Some men have a very hard time moving on. Being mature. Accepting another's decisions. Dealing with loss.

The fact he seems to have a hard time - doesn't speak real well of his inner strength & character, at least on the surface. He might be shiny outside, but have some pretty significant "issues" inside???

Lastly, as Dr. H says, men often have a very difficult time getting a lover out of their minds...whether it was a real life lover or even a fantasy lover.

Is he a fantasy type guy? More questions.....

Pray. God knows for you.

High Flight

Hi High Flight-

Due to a lapse in judgement we have been very close shall we say. He seemingly had a good childhood, parents are still married, he is the youngest of two, but the baby by nine years, and I find him very coddled by his parents.

He and his X were married less than three years. After promising that she wanted children she admitted shortly after marriage that she didn't want children, he still did and that combined with some other issues made it go downhill from the start. He still harbors a lot of resentment towards his wife. I honestly believe that he feels she cheated him by lying about wanting to have children and now feels that she is the reason his life is upside down because if they had had children everything would have been fine. As the single mother of four I have told him many times how lucky he is to not have had any children in light of their relationship. I don't know, just me playing armchair psychologist, but he seems so bitter towards her and now is seemingly taking it out on me and whomever else might cross his path.


I don't believe he is bi-polar or obsessive. A long time ago when we were simply friends and he was a "happily married" man. He told me his wife was very possesive and he talked how he wasn't and it was difficult. In our relationship however, I found him to be quite possessive and clingy.

The other night he called and I told him I was praying for him to find some answers to his confusion. He got upset and said he was fine, that things don't faze him for long. I told him I hoped he would allow himself the time to really heal. He was offended and acted quite shallow resulting in me ending the conversation and asking him to leave me alone. He texted me the next day to see how I was doing admitting that he was pretty messed up.

I don't know, the man I knew seems to have vanished. I am trying to separate myself from him as I need my own time and can't fix him, yet he keeps calling and saying things to the effect of hoping to get his issues resolved quickly so things can resume, needing me, etc. It is almost freaking me out! It's like I found this wonderful man and now he is so different.

Thanks for the insight any and all you can give is appreciated! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am praying knowing that God will see me through this.

Have a great weekend!

Take care and God bless!
K

SR - Listening to what you're saying, I'd say he has "detachment issues". He doesn't know how to make a clean break & go forward. Babied, coddled, etc.

Clearly he isn't happy with himself & isn't the strong guy you thought he was.

I'm saying the obvious, but be VERY thankful you've found out now!

It's NOT about you! Really it's not. It's HIS issues the pre-date you in his life.

And, no doubt the intimacy y'all shared has his heart beached over you at this point.

Pray! There's One who has an answer to every difficulty!

High Flight

Hey High Flight,

Just checking in, I was gone all weekend.

I'm on the edge here, fill us in on the meet!

Karona

AhemmmmmmM!!!! Well....it was pretty intense. I just got in from spending the day with her AGAIN today, and it's 12:08 AM, so I'm beat & need to get in bed. I'll post a complete rundown first thing in the AM.

OK. For all you "batchelor" fans. Here's the replay.

Drove up to her place on Sat AM. Closer I got, the more excited, yet a strange sense of fear of failure I got. You gotta keep in mind that I'm Mr. Nerves of Steel, OK? Just the thought of meeting her was making me go weak in the knees. And I cannot remember when I've felt like that....

I got close to her place. Very nice community. I pulled into the clubhouse & literally stopped to pray! I needed courage & help from God to make this work.

Then I went to her home. She had agreed to be picked up at her place based on the fact we knew many folks who knew each other & she felt very comfortable already with me & my reputation.

Her home is lovely. I had selected two gifts to take to her. "Happy" perfume hand-created into a wonderful body lotion by a specialty shoppe near my home, along with "High Cotton" a wonderful massage therapy quality candle, again hand prepared just for her. The idea was that she was to be "happy" in her new home surrounded by her wonderful career & new friends - divorce behind her she was really going to live in "high cotton"!

She came to the door! I made it so I was PERFECTLY on time! (She's an auditor / accountant for her company). She looked WONDERFUL!!! And yet older & wiser than her pictures. I instantly was relieved inside! Cause I'm 8 yrs older than her, but I look at least her age or even slightly younger! So immediately we looked "good together"!

We went to church. She wrote latter that she was "proud to be by my side" in church. The day went quite well. A picnic lunch up in the mtns. Some laughter & listening to favorite music together. We took a long walk through the mtns. Found 3 cute little beagle puppies that followed us & we made over them, then handed them off to a park ranger guy.

We drove through the mtns in my new Corvette just enjoying the beautiful roads & world class scenery! Talked. Listened to great music. Then went back to her place.

There, she sat down on the couch & began to pour out her heart to me. Turns out lots & lots more has happened to her than I knew. For instance, her WH had come home, pretended to want her back (still married then), she took him back. She got PG immediately (after trying unsuccessfully for 8 yrs), upon which he went back to his affair! Then after 3 months, she miscarried! All alone!! So in the past year, she's suffered through an affair, gotten PG, lost the child, gotten divorced, had a job promotion & moved 700 miles to a new life!!!

As it all unfolded, I asked her if I could massage her feet while she talked (you had to be there; it's something I'm trained in + I'm a perfect gentleman, & wasn't touching her all day, etc.) She immediately said "yes"! That enabled her to really talk as she relaxed. I did both feet for about 2 hrs!! She just poured her story out.

Then I prayed with her. Gave her a goodnight hug after which she held onto my hand as I pulled away. I turned back, still holding her finger. She pulled me back towards her & I just smiled, squeezed her hand & then said, "I'll speak with you soon."

So Sunday AM I called her. She had emailed me at 1 AM telling me what a wonderful day Sat was to her. We chatted happily for several minutes, then I asked her if she wanted to meet mid way between our homes where her best friend & husband live & eat out? She immediately said "Yes" she wanted to see me again today.

Turned out the friend couldn't, but she was happy I wanted to meet her friends. We ate Italian & talked for an hour or more. Wonderful meal! Then walked through a large mall just browsing & talking.

Then I took her downtown to a very romantic spot along the river where live music & street culture takes place. We ended up finding a gorgeous place by the river & just laying on our backs looking up at the sky & talked for 2 hours. More about our lives & our goals & dreams. I took her then to a famous hotel with fountains & beautiful architecture & historic sites. We had ice cream. Then back to her car. We prayed together again. Then I asked if anyone had looked her car over lately. No one had. So I got my flashlight out & gave it a good once over checking for fluid levels & other potential problems. Even checked tire pressures with my guage. All was good! I told her to call me when she got home (after midnight) or I would come looking for her to make sure she was safe.

We hugged each other tight for awhile - I just held her. Then I kissed her gently on her cheek. And let her go. She pulled me back to her & kissed my cheek back & said, "you smell so wonderful"!

She called me. On her way home. Said I'm getting sleepy so decided I needed your help to stay awake! Then again this AM she called on her way to work - said "you said to call if I ever needed you...and I needed to tell you good morning"!

So what do you think? We're 8 yrs apart in age. She's just getting over alot of trauma. But she's a very put-together, wise & mature person. She seems to be dealing very well with everything.

I like her better than anyone I've seen yet. I think I could be happy with her from what I know so far. We're highly compatible.

God will lead us, but that's what's up so far.

What do your ladies think? What do you read in all of this?

wow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like it went VERY WELL!!!

Good choice on the perfume, as that is what I wear and LOVE!
And how very thoughtful and creative of you.

(you remind me of my guy. He was very giftful and so very thoughtful. He always did that kind of stuff for me).

The only thing I can say is turn it over and take your time.
She has been through a lot of heart ache recently, so you know to be cautious. But, that doesn't mean that it won't work.

It sounds like it was the perfect weekend of events together. Good for you on your creativity!

I'm happy for you and envious! I hope my day comes soon!!

Take Care High Flight!

K.

My biggest problem in this is I need to take care of her in her time of vulnerability -- and yet I don't want to be just her rebound relationship. She's been through so very much trauma in the past year. She's vulnerable. BUT, she's such a keeper + we are "clicking" so well, that I just can't walk away from this one.

We're frankly discussing all of this. She told me last night that she's had multiple opportunities for a "rebound relationship" already, but she has said no. She wants substance & character. She wants compatibility & shared goals. She's had a few very casual dates with other guys, but nothing like what she & I have shared, according to her.

We're agreed to take things very slowly. Concentrate on the friendship part. Be prayerful.

I think we can safely venture forward, but I'm cautious. She's the first person to capture my complete imagination & my full attention since my exwife did about 11 yrs ago.

I simply am putting the control in her lap. I said, "I want to protect you during this vulnerable time. I'm prepared to be focused on you, but you may need to not be exclusive with me in dating right now. I respect that. So it's entirely up to you. I will be more than happy to discontinue any other friendships & pen pals to be with you in the future, when you decide that's what you want/need. But it's your call entirely. I will respect your decision. I care about you & your recovery".

Wow HF sounds like a good time.

What color/year is your corvette? Convertable or hard top? painted or glass top? (Shallow I know, but I'm a corvette fan - own a polo green convertable)

V.

High Flight,

I'm not trying to get in a one better on this, I'm just trying to say I understand her pain. I'm sorry for her that she had to go through the pain alone.
Some people down play a miscarriage, but the child is real and so is the pain.
Shame on her husband!

I feel like I can relate to her, as I have went through near tradgedy with my daughter the same year as my marriage went spiraling downward. The affair was already in progress when this happened, but it didn't turn him around he still went on with the affair. He had someone to comfort him through it, and I had him physically, but he wasn't there for me in spirit.
I'm only saying this because I know how raw it feels and how low it feels to go through a double whammy at one time.

You seem to be very in tune to her feelings, and that is important. I just wanted to say that she most likely indeed is very vulnerable. Her heart has been shreaded between the two events. It is so easy to accept the love given from someone so genuine and sincere.

I understand your need to feel you would like to take care of her and help her to feel whole again. You can only do so much. If she still has healing to do, you can't fix everything for her. I'm sure you are aware of that, but I just wanted to throw that in as a caution. You can be, strong for her,show her love, and compassion. She most likely didn't feel any of that through her loss.

I'm not saying it's a rebound relationship but I think she could be fragile still.
It sounds to me like you are being wise in what you have said to her.
This could be the beginning of something so wonderful for you both. Just be tender with it.

Best wishes to you both, I'm happy for you HF!

K.

High Flight-

It sounds like you are really taken here, but you seem to be handling things very well. You are right, she is very vulnerable, I know, been there, done that, however that doesn't mean it can't work. You are right to keep things open and be cautious, but also take the time to have some fun and see what happens.

You sound like you are handling things well. I am hoping that soon I will be able to find an emotionally stable like yourself in my neck of the woods. Until then I am working on detatchment from the king on not detatching and on getting myself in order so if and when the right one comes along I am ready!

Yes, I am praying too!

Enjoy!

Take care and God bless!

K