HF - maybe not her specifically, but things about her that were important to you and either still are, or you just haven't revisited this lately.

I say this because of my own recent personal insights. One of the things I liked about my H was his head of hair (when many others his age were balding). Back when we got married, most men still had hair, so it was something I just assumed... not really a conscious decision. Now, as I read postings here, I realize this may just be an assumption I've brought along. It may be leftover from the distant past, and not have anything to do with my H at all. I don't even know if this is still important to me - I'd guess it isn't.

Is it possible that your X represents values you once had (maybe still have), rather that this being about her?

Deja ~ I think you're right on. I'm not into her anymore. However, many things about her are exactly what I want going forward too. I'm just struggling to make sense of it all right now....

HF

Understand! And so you should. Open your mind to possibilities - you may find there are new things you hadn't considered before that ring your chimes now. And if you give yourself time, you'll find out how many of the things you bring with you from the past, are STILL valid for you today.

Good luck, HF. You are wise to realize what's happening with your current R, and your questioning may mean you're not 100% sure anymore.. Time should help you sort things out.

HF,

I have been (and still am to a degree) where you are.

I had/have met a guy. I have spent a great deal of time with him, and grew very attached.
He has so, so many wonderful qualities, and just a couple minors that I really wonder if I'm being too picky, or is it something I really need to consider as an issue.

I have stepped back, and cut off the relationship. I don't know if it will be forever, I'm letting God and time control it for me. Sometimes it has been harder than the split with my X. I think because there was no significant other involved, no betrayal, there is love on both sides, but there is confusion, on my part.

Like this lady you speak of, this guy also is great. But, there is something there that makes me hold back.

He treats my girls wonderful, and I have never been treated so well.

I'm struggling with no contact with him, but I feel like it's what I have to do given the fact that he is very serious with me, and I'm so confused about us. I feel like it is unfair for me to continue with him because of my confusion right now.

I think we have to listen to our inner thoughts. I pray about it every night. I pray for clarity and guidance.

I wish you the best!

As far as your xw. Hmmm, not sure there. I suspect maybe she is having some thoughts. I bet your on to something. That there is some jealousy there thinking that you may have someone in your life.

Karona

Oh GG, I must have forgotten to tell you about my first and only solo event just a few weeks ago.

I went to hear this band at a restaurant/bar by myself. Once I got there, I would know several people, but I went alone.
I had bought some very cute, bright new capri's, and same sassy little shoes, and felt pretty good about myself.

I had never been to this place, but I did know it was in a depressed part of town. Once I found the place I got nervous because there was no close parking, and I feared going back to my car at night.
But, this nice little guy outside flagged me to a spot right smack dab in front of the place.
Suddenly I got this confident feeling, like the night would be good, things were falling into place for my solo arrival.

I parked, went inside. Paid the cover, turned again thinking that I had left my purse and belongings in the car, and needed to be sure I locked the doors.
In an instant, my confidence was shattered.

My oh so cute little shoes got caught on a runner, and I fell going out the door. I mean fell, to the ground.
Ripped my new pants, tore up my knee. It was awful!
Of course there were several people standing around, including a group of 4 or 5 guys. I'm sure I looked like a drunk, but I was completely sober.

I took every bit of courage I could muster to walk back in that place. But I did.
So, suffice it say, I'm not ready to do another solo activity yet.

Karona

Karona, wow!!! Please! Let's stay in touch on this since we're in such similar situations. I'm with you on the prayer thing. Every day I seek God for help. He's providing it for sure. Somehow this is a tremendous learning opportunity for us. We just need to place ourselves in the place of learning through all of this. Learning about ourselves. Learning about what it really takes to make us work in a marriage. These are important lessons for sure.

Yes! There's just something there that makes me "hold back". Here's where I'm at right now: 1) It's just a deeper sense of incompatibility about a could of areas that would prove to grow into significant problems going forward; 2) I'm not ready to commit. My grief work isn't done. 3) I'm not over my exwife - but I think I am, still I allow for it as a possibility.

Stay in touch! Pray for me & I will for you too.
High Flight

I agree HighFlight. I have come so far because of this board. It has been a lifeline for me, and sometimes my social life at times! (sad, but true)

We can all learn a lot from each other. There are some lessons we have to learn on our own, but we can take from each other's experiences. I really do try to give this whole thing up, because it's bigger than me, and I want to have a rock solid relationship next time around.

I have thought a lot about "him" today. I have started to think, for myself, that he is so great in many, many ways, that I'm trying too hard to make him fit in the couple that seem to stump me. I have thought many times about long term, and the couple that bother me, and that's where I think the disaster would come in to play. For me, one of my issues with him is height. I'm 5'8", and he is also. That bothers me. It may be silly, but it's how I feel.

Like I said, I have stopped contact with him. We did text each other a couple of weeks ago, that was the last I have heard from him. It's hard, but for me, I have to do it.

As far as my x, I am over him. He remarried very recently.
It's so strange, but that itself has given me a new freedom. I can't explain it, but it did.

Take care of yourself, and I'll watch for updates on your situation.

Karona

Karona,

I was wondering the 2 areas. Ah the height thing. You know, I can utterly relate! I'm 5'9". Being with a taller woman wouldn't work for me either. I'm far from shallow, & I truly respect & hold in esteem anybody depsite their phyical height & appearance. But for a life partner...not going to work for me.

I truly think God built us the way we are. We have attraction and we don't. Not a sin. Not a problem. It is what it is! Choice & preferences.

Some things are non-negotiables. Deal breakers! Nothing wrong with that.

I'm a bit curious about the 2nd item for you. Only if you would like to share of course. Sometimes I think it helps to get specific & get stuff on out in the open. Somehow our own minds can then begin to sort & analyze & deal with the issue.

Know what I mean?

Regards,
High Flight

Hey High Flight,

This guy says that height shouldn't matter, but it makes me feel awkward. As if in some weird way, superior. But, if you look at Tom Cruise, he's all about tall women. Go figure! This guy is handsome, and hey, 7 years younger than me! How about that!!!

The other things I don't mind sharing, I'm just not sure that I'm totally accurate and hate to label him if it's not the case.
Anyway, he seems to get down at times. However, I can also blame this on myself, as I have put him through the ringer more less with my own confusion and where I'm at in life. So, it could be justified, BUT, what if it is something within himself?? I think it would be hard to be with a person who has depressed tendencies.
This next one I consider to be minor. If he is not interested in something, he seems to cut off from it. Example, I was casually looking at cars once and he knew I wasn't in the market truly, so when the sales guy talked to me, he kind of shut the whole thing out, almost to a point of rudeness. I'm no fan of salemen myself, but it was uncomfortable for me.

Those are the 3 real issues I have. I really can't say enough what a great guy he is though. He has met every emotional need I have. He treated me with such dignity and respect.
I am jealous by nature. I'm not proud of it, I work on it, ask for help with it, but it's a fact, it's there.
I didn't think I could ever trust anyone, especially after my x's affairs
But I did trust again. I know with all that I am, that this guy would not betray me. And that is huge! That's where I come to the place in my head that says, isn't that worth everything right there? To have someone you know you can 100% count on and trust. Someone that respects you for everything you are?

And the confusion sets in again...... It just seems to continue.

That is why I come to my conclusion that I have to step away from the relationship and let it go.
If there is to be more for him and I, it will happen when everything is right.

Thanks for being a good listener.

Karona

Karona,

It helps me that you share so openly!

Height cannot be changed.

Depression? Honest testing can be done to verify to your satisfaction whether this is clinical, on-going or not. If he's a winner like he seems, you owe it to yourself to do this.

Showing rude disinterest? Clearly an annoying behavior that could be addressed if surfaced with him. AND he was willing.

Stepping away for some distance? Not necessarily bad. Gives you the opportunity to make some "head" decisions vs being totally entangled with your heart.

Here's the REAL question. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being FANTASTICALLY BETTER!!! And 1 being Suicidally Depressed. How do you feel personally down deep inside after pulling back away from him?

My dear Mother puts it this way: You want to be with someone that you absolutely CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT. Not just someone you can make yourself live with!

Karona, have you considered pre-marital counseling? It has long seemed strange to me that in our culture couples decide whether to get married and then (maybe) get counseling (if their church requires it) to address various issues which would be much better dealt with much earlier in the relationship, when the individuals are much less invested and able to listen and think rationally about whether it is really such a good idea or not.

You seem to be in a position where you would greatly benefit from having an objective and knowledgeable third-party provide input, helping you see which questions to ask and which factors to consider before you choose all or nothing.

Gnome,

Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate what you are saying, and YES, I would go through counseling before I marry again.

I did counseling, marriage and independent while going through everything with my now x. At the time, the counselor told me if/when I find someone I want to marry, to come back for pre-marital counseling.

"You seem to be in a position where you would greatly benefit from having an objective and knowledgeable third-party provide input, helping you see which questions to ask and which factors to consider before you choose all or nothing".

This is great advice!
Thank you so much!

This is exactly the feeling I want to have. Your mother has said it the best!

"My dear Mother puts it this way: You want to be with someone that you absolutely CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT. Not just someone you can make yourself live with"

That being said, I think it wouldn't kill me to not end up with him, ASSUMING, that I will someday meet someone with similar qualities, and be tall!!
Hmmm, may be asking for a little much there.

As far as your question. You know, it's a good one HF.
I had to think about this one. Ran to the grocery store on this one.
So, my answer is......
Definitely not a 10, and definitely not a 1!
That leaves me in between. Have I sat around the house crying for hours on end?? Absolutely not. Have I had a tear, sure. Do I think of him everyday? Yes!
Am I completely lost without him? Somedays I feel lost, others I pretty much okay. I know what I'm doing is the right thing. It is allowing me to think clearly, and hopefully find the answer.
I guess I will put myself at a 6. I don't consider myself a total wreck. Afterall, I'm the one that asked for this.
I think I'm a bit better than worse, but, not Fantasically Better as you put it.

If I were to get very serious with him, I think I would take you advice and check into the testing thing. I can not handle having a depressed spouse. I would for sure bring it to light!

So, you haven't mentioned your life lately. Have you come to any conclusions on your situation?
You were the one who started this, sorry I took it over.
Fill us in!

Thanks for your input.
Karona

Karona ~ No need to apologize! I'm benefiting from your story too. Helps me think through my situation as well.

AND, since you pegged a 6 vs something below a 5, I would say that ought to tell you something. You're really not hurting too badly pulling away from this guy. Your gut instincts are telling you it's OK to go. Don't ignore that K!! Definately take some time as you are doing would be my advice.

Now to my saga. You REALLY wanna know??? Sigh!!

Well, I've taken the position with her that we need to pull back & allow time to go by & more of a friendship basis to develop. I don't want to focus on the romantic aspects of it at this time. I need to allow my own head to clear up some. It helps she's 1000 miles away.

She was initially pretty upset. Now, she's accepting it as wise. But I can tell she's still quite hopeful something permanent will work out. I made it clear we were both free to date & make other friends in this arrangement.

Anyway, no sooner had that been done (about 4 days ago), than I received a computer match for one of the Christian singles sites I've joined. I took ONE look at this gal & my heart nearly stopped. I almost hate to admit that as a calm, cool, collected professional man, but oh my goodness!!! Everything in her profile was spot on compatible with me and there were alot of essays which gave some depth of info.

And her size was perfect. And I looked into her eyes (by picture) and was absolutely captivated - I am not kidding. Hasn't happened to me like that since my exwife & I met. And THIS was just photos, albeit good ones.

Sooooo, we've traded emails. Haven't even spoken by phone yet. At first, she wasn't terribly interested in me until she asked some questions & saw some photos of my life. Now it appears to be growing on her fairly quickly. But it's still quite early to tell.

She lives only about 120 miles away too!

Let me just put it this way. IF she's as good in real life as her profile, her words, her pictures; and the good Lord gives me a go-ahead; and she wants me too; THEN my search is over!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I know that's HUGE to say, but I'm pretty convinced and I've always been the kind to be able to make an ultimate decision quickly about most things in my life when I see the exact right situation (house, car, etc.)

How's that for a bomb shell??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

High Flight

Well High Flight,
You did drop a bomb indeed!!
Slow down Fly guy! She may very well be girl for you, but you have to keep a clear head.
I'm not trying to say she is not as she appears, I just want to remind you to be cautious too.
You have to keep us posted on this one.

The fact that she is so close is great. If everything goes well, you will have plenty of opportunity to get to know her. I'm convinced you need to have more than weekend time together. That's too much like a honeymoon.

One thing that comes to my mind though is the timing.
How strange is it that you have taken a step towards slowing this other relationship down, and this comes to you. I would almost have to take this as a sign, so you have to acknowledge it. I'm excited for you!

As for my guy, while it's hard to do this, I really do feel like I'm doing the right thing, for he and I.
I have to give myself this time to work out things for myself. I believe there are plans for us all. It will work out the way its meant to.

Great News for you!!

Karona

Hey, it's great to FEEL again, isn't it?

Being able to feel again may be delusional, however. A word of caution - when something looks a certain way, it's easy to make the assumption that it IS that way, and never miss the warning signs to the contrary.

Take it slow - if it is the real thing, time will show you that. Please be open to the fact that you WANT someone to look like her, be like your dream person, and fill that void for you - but she may or may NOT be that person, no matter what first appearances seem.

On the up side, I'm HAPPY for you to hear your enthusiasm and hope.

Take care, HF.

Hi everyone-

I came over here at Karona's prompting and am presently in the middle of a crisis of my own.

In my own situation, I ignored all MB principles and became involved with a good friend who was going through a divorce. Yes, common sense says he was rebounding, but we simply had so much in common and had been good friends for a while. He was always the pursuer and I talked to him at length about slowing things down, finding himself, etc. He assured me it was us that he wanted, I was so incredible, he'd never felt like this, etc. So although he came on strong and I was the one with doubts, as I fell for him and became more secure, he started to listen to me and is now unsure.

The result - I am heartbroken!

Karona is walking me through it as it parallels her situation in so many ways. I should preface this with the fact that he came to this conclusion after we had a disagreement in which I had to go due to time constraints ( I had to pick up my son) and had to leave in the middle of the disagreement. When I left I slammed the door. Later he called and I thought I was fine, but he just kept picking at it and I finally had enough, said I had to go, abruptly said goodbye, and hung up. He said that his XW had an explosive temper and this freaked him out to the point of needing to see what else is out there and wondering if there isn't someone better for him, a more perfect situation. In the meantime he has also confided that he always felt I was guarded and that he found our relationship more of a priority than I did.

Anyhow, he asked for the break, but wants to keep in constant contact. I tried this for a week, but it was just eating us up so I asked for no contact, a complete break to discover what we want. It has only been a day and I am miserable. I will not call him, but long for him to call me. I am such a head case.

I would greatly appreciate the male perspective here. He did have a very quick divorce and has only been divorced a few weeks, but everything just turned on a dime. What is with that? Why does he want to continue contact? Is it hopeless?

HF - Good luck with both of your relationship prospects. The thing that struck me about the internet thing is that you said when you saw her something clicked. This is what my man has told me a thousand times. Don't get me wrong, I am a reasonably attractive, educated, solid, and caring woman, but this man is gaga over my looks. Early on even as friends he put me on a pedestal. Now I made one mistake, fell off of it, and it is over. Don't make the same mistake. Get to know the real person, not just the one you visualize her to be.

Just my two cents...

Take care and God bless!
K

Karona ~ Couldn't agree more. If you are in a habit of praying 2 times a day before contemplating a relationship...then pray 4 times a day when looking into one!

Slow down is always good....

I will certainly keep you in the loop. Haven't even talked with her yet, so it's very preliminary at best.

Our bios are very similar. We even grew up in nearly the same places. Both our fathers did the same work. We attended 2 of the same colleges & grad schools, etc.

I'm terribly hopeful I have to admit!! Can't help it!!!

But this is one for the HEAD to involve in, not just the heart. I think romance is way overrated & promoted in our culture. We need sensible courtships, not romantic dating. Plenty of time for romance in the future. Save most of it for the marriage!!!

Keep me in your prayers,
High Flight

Deja & Still Reeling ~ Both thanks so much for the cautions and perspectives. Couldn't agree more!

SR - you wanted male perspective. Clearly this is all too soon. He has no idea who he is / what he wants. It's the classic rebound relationship thingy.

You gotta accept it for what it is. It is what it is!

Now, I'd take all of this as a golden opportunity to see if you guys can negotiate your way through the disagreements towards conflict resolution. I mean reading what happened, this is classic marital conflict stuff. If you cannot even deal with it as daters, then how in the world will it work if you guys were more than that.

I think exclusive dating relationships early after divorces are anathema! Fatally flawed!! Not going to work out. ALL the statistics are against you. You gotta deal with reality.

Folks just flat out need time to heal, find themselves, get ahold of life again. There are NO SHORTCUTS to grief process and personal healing after divorce. It takes even longer if you were betrayed & if you were the one who fought for the marriage & really hurt from the breakup.

What I was attracted to in my case off the internet was not only her pictures, but her whole package! Education. Location. Her values & belief system is worded just like mine. Her background & upbringing are startling similar. We attended same schools. Actually she's not the most physically beautiful woman I've ever dated. But that's not the point for me. It appears that MOST major facets of her life are together & I truly like the way she looks...in pictures and with no contact yet -- which may change everything I realize.

High Flight

OUCH for Still.

"I think exclusive dating relationships early after divorces are anathema! Fatally flawed!! Not going to work out. ALL the statistics are against you. You gotta deal with reality"

Be kind High Flight, she's my buddy!!
I know your only saying what you feel, and she asked for advice.

On your note though, How neat is all of this. I cannot believe that the two of you have traveled so close together.
I starting to see where your coming from.

If you fair well with this, I may have to hit you up for the site!!
I tinkered with EHarmony once, but stopped. I didn't feel like I was really ready for the whole process at that time.

Glad you popped in Still. Let's see what words of advice roll in.

K.