And, upon reflection, there's nothing whatsoever romantic about flu.

Could be a good dose of reality for both of them.

Alph.

Oh well!

WAT

Hey WAT!

I saw you and your son on the MB photo thread today - handsome pair of dudes you are.

How long should I wait for any fallout for the school exposure, BTW? Letters sent early last week, but sent care-of school. Reckon they're no-goers?

Alph.

Alph
WH isn't sick. Tummytuck's WH is SICK. Your WH has a bad cold.

If exposure trouble hits him while he's low GREAT ! It may help the effect of the exposure.

You have to try and do a very uninstinctive thing. Detach.

Focus on YOU not him. You can;t change him. HE has to do that homself.

OK.

A little feedback. On the phone with MIL this evening. Seems that after I phoned OW's parents in Spain, they got worried that something had happened to OW and phoned her at school. I didn't mean to worry them, but at least I am 100% certain that the letter is going to the right place!

Also found out that OW's father was a bully to his kids and that's why she doesn't get on with him. It's terrible for any man to bully his kids, but from a purely selfish point of view I hope OW's father gets as mad as hell at her.

WH and OW told her parents that we were 'mutually separated'. WH told MIL that he got on really well with OW's parents, that they paid for him and OW to stay in a hotel! OW's dad also let WH drive his car (none of OW's other boyfriends have ever been allowed to drive his car, apparantly).

I hope they did love him. I hope he believes it. I don't think they'll love him any more when that letter arrives.


Alph.

Good job Alph!

Now you are back to yourself again. This is good news because WH has already lied to OW's Dad.

This will not look good for the future of WH and OW in Dad's eyes. He will not want OW's boyfriend/future love lying to him already. And when he finds out that he has two kids awaiting his home coming I think the omelettes parents will be angrier yet, maybe angry enough to scramble her..... sorry couldn't resist it.

I think you are doing all you can. Now take care of you and try to stay healthy. How long before the letter gets there? When did you send it? Did you send it overnight or registered? I would have sent it certified so you would know when they got it for sure.

HINY

Hi HINY,

I would have sent the letter any of those ways you mentioned, but I only had ONE POUND in my pocket - flat broke I was yesterday as WH is being so generous. I got my social security money today tho so am OK. I guess I could have waited until today to send it but I was afraid I'd chicken out. They said it would take about 5 days - hopefully by the end of the week then.

They do know he's got children, however. What they DON'T know is that he walked out and left them for OW. They don't know I'm not going to divorce him. They don't know I want him back. They don't know he has a drinking habit. They don't know the A is putting their daughter's career in danger. But they will when they get the letter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Just wanted to stop in and say hey before I go home for the day. I hope you are feeling better and I hope your H’s cold is a doozy.

You are doing the right things. Even the hard ones. Stay the course and you will feel good no matter which way it comes out.

Sending prayers for you and your family.

PS: Nice picture of you on the photo thread.

Don't worry, Alphin. The Mothership has a special program whereby uncertified letters are still confirmed via alien transmission. I would expect you to know within several hours of its receipt, as the Alien Express is much faster than the Post Office. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

This is one of my areas of hypersensitivity ... drinking problem.

What, exactly, do you mean here? And try really hard to be completely honest. How much does he drink? How has his drinking effected your relationship?

Give examples if possible. It makes a huge difference about how to effectively apply MB concepts.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Pep.

I think drinking had a big effect on our relationship.

He could drink a litre and and half bottle of wine in an evening. This would be unusual, but he could do it. Then he'd drive to work the next day - I've no doubt he'd be over the limit. What was more common, however, was that he would come home from work, drink 4-5 glasses, and fall asleep in front of the TV, leaving me on my own.

It's hard to get your ENs met when you are asleep every evening, and hard to meet your spouses EN's too. I'd just leave him there and go into the other room and read/play the computer. But I always started off trying to be there with him, and then when he'd fall asleep I'd just get cross and leave him on his own.

I also ended up sleeping on the sofa many nights, as WH put on weight from the drinking and snored very badly when he was drunk. Just needed to get some rest! Now he blames me for being cold and not wanting to sleep with him. But I just wanted to get some sleep.

When I was diagnosed with my illness, I knew I had to cut back on my own drinking for the sake of my health (we did enjoy drinking together, had the whole marriage, but even allowing for the difference that men and women can tolerate he always drank much more than me). When I cut back WH said things like 'you're no fun any more' and 'I've lost my drinking buddy' etc. When he left me, he said he drank 'because of the problems between us'.

About a week after he left, he came to see me and told me he'd stopped drinking! He'd started smoking instead, though. Now I know he is drinking again (at least, he and OW both drank heavily when they last visited MIL, coz she told me). When they got back up here after that visit and he came to see the kids, I knew he was hungover.

So that's it. I've asked him to try to get it sorted re. access to the kids (and seeing as OW is obviously a big enabler I think it's doubly important), but he hasn't made an appointment with the doctor like he promised he would.

Don't know what to do with him, really. That's as honest as I can be. Please ask if you need more info.

Alph.

Please understand, though, that he has NEVER been violent or abusive when he drinks. He just falls asleep.

I feel so angry about this - he was the one neglecting MY ens with his drinking, and HE left ME! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I've been such an enabler, I just let it go on. I hoped that by modifying my own lifestyle I might effect a change on his, but he just left me instead!

Bummer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Another thing I remembered about my talk with MIL last night. She had a phone conversation with WH on Sunday.

- MIL told WH that he needs to 'talk to me'. WH told her - 'I can't talk to Alphin; she refuses to talk to me'.

Not sure what this means. Basically, I am not calling/texting/emailing WH. When he is around here seeing the kids, we talk very pleasantly about trivial stuff, enjoy the kids together, but NO R talk, NO D talk, NO money talk.

I am now at the stage that I DO NOT need to talk to WH about anything at all, except rebuilding our marriage. I don't need to talk about access to the kids - I have them living with me. I don't need to talk to him about money - finally, I am getting the money I need, independant of WH, whilst he blows all his on his A.

I am of the opinion that HE needs to talk to me, but I won't play his game. HE wants to have the kids more, HE wants to talk about D, HE wants to talk about how we'll divide assests etc.

From the start, it's as if he expected me to divorce him with as little inconvenience to him and OW as possible. He expected me to get the papers and file, he expected me to sort out the finaces, he expected me to sort out joint custody for him. I went along with it for a while! Oh, stupid Alphin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Now I won't play any more. I am exposing his affair, and won't discuss breaking up my marriage any more. Is he sulking? You bet. Do I care? Not much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

If he wants to talk, he knows where I am. NOT talking to him about anything heavy avoids big LBs, in any case. Just talking about mundane, everyday things, enjoying the children together, even having him laugh at my jokes sometimes - I hope these are little, post-dated deposits going into the Love Bank which might clear later when he's less foggy.

So, am I right not to talk to him about this stuff? I certainly don't need to, as I said, I have everything I need now. HE is needy. Let him come to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alph.
This is SOOO true! I'm glad you've gained some self esteem and independency from WH. I've finally reached the same fairly comfortable place. I no longer fret about what and when WH is doing with OW. I've got my finances figured out. I'm sitting cozy with our beautiful children in our beautiful home, surrounded by good friends and his supportive family.

sooner or later, your WH will wake up disgusted with the poor choice he has made and will want to reconcile...

but you may have outgrown him by then.

Hey, Losttranslation,

Thanks for stopping by. Do you feel that you are reaching that point sometimes - moving on without him, I mean?

Outgrowing him?

Sometimes I feel I'm just doing this for the kids now. I think: well, I'll do it for them, and if we reconcile we can work on it for us and them.

Alph.

You corrected this, right? I mean, you made sure MIL knows he's lying about you not talking to him, right?

Did you address them to any specific person and request a reply? Assuming you did, I recommend you soon make a phone call to the Headmaster's superior. Simply confirm your letter was received and understood, then ask whether any action is underway or planned.

Exactly how many letters did you send and to whom?

Thanks for your compliment regarding the pic of my son and I. That was taken in Sept. 2002 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and he's at least the same height as me now. Soon to be taller, no doubt > much bigger feet already.

WAT

Hi WAT.

I sent two letters: one to the Chair of the Board of Governors, and one to the Parent's Governors Association.

Both were sent via the school, but were addressed to specific people.

MIL knows that I will talk to WH about restoring our M, but not about destroying it.

WH has received the letter from my ATT saying that I will not allow contact between OW and my girls. The letter said that if he wanted to discuss it we could do so through mediation.

WH thinks the mediation service is a marriage guidance service!!! It's actually a way for separated people to talk to each about practical things (money/kid access etc) with a third party present to MEDIATE between them. Is he being deliberately thick here, or is this fog. He's a trade union man - he should know what the heck 'mediation' means. NOT reconciliation.

<sighs at WH's attempts to misrepresent/misunderstand everything.> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

So I think a phone call to the addressees would be warranted in the near future if you don't hear anything.

I'm with Pep on the drinking issue. Very concerning. This may dictate special consideration in your future decisions.

Deliberately thick or fog? Yes! I believe "fog" requires a certain deliberateness to paint over all the mirrors in your life. How 'bout "deliberately thick fog"?

WAT

Another thing MIL told me WH said:

MIL told WH that I considered his R with OW to be 'just an affair'. She said WH was quite offended by this, and said that by now I should realise that his R with OW was 'much more than just an affair'.

In what way, I wonder? Much more adultery? Much more pain for BS? Much more heartache for DD5 and DD12? Much more than the average amount of fog?

I wonder how WS's in a type II define an affair. I guess it's everyone else's adultery but theirs.

Alph.

Beam him up!

Typical WS rationalization. (We spell it with a "z". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Gotta use that z sometime.)


He sees it as permanent reality. An "affair" is childish and temporary. Very typical.

FWIW, he's more sane than my WS was. She married OM 5 months after our divorce and to this day still denies that an affair took place. This is actually what she said at one point: "I'm NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR!!!!! I'm in LOVE with OM - what part of that DONT'T YOU UNDERSTAND???"

WAT