Well, again the worst has happened....we decided to make an appt. for counciling....he said he was soooo sorry. He said he would never lie to me again. He read the Joseph letter. He said he was so ashaimed of himself. He said he so realized that he wanted me and that he was perfectly happy with me when since we started getting good. He promised that he hadnt slept with her in six month. His only contact was by telephone. He said he stopped the physical part because our life was now so perfect. He said he kept talking to her out of habit becuase of their friendship. Then it happened.....she was so mad that he broke off all contact with her she called me and told me they spent the weekend together middle May. My husband confessed. He said he new he wanted to be with me and made up his mind but was so messed up because there relationship went on for so long...he said he wanted to see her one last time and then end it. I dont understand....we were so perfect for the last 6 months. The night before he left for that weekend up until that time we couldnt spend a minute apart from each other....we were so lovey dovey night and day. I told him I wish he didnt have to go on the fishing trip with the boys that I was going to miss him to much. He said the same thing back to me. When he returned he told me how much he missed me and he wished he didnt go on the fishing trip cause he hated being away from me. SO THEN WHY DID HE!!!!!
When he came home from work yesterday I told him I found something else out. I said you owe me to tell me the truth and he did. I was so angry I hit him...I have never hit him before like that. I went buzzurck...He left...I went even more buzzurck. He came back...he said he just went for a drive....he swore he didnt go to hur. He said he feels soooo bad and that he was so sorry and that he doesnt want her anymore...he already made that decision...unfortunaly he said he didnt handle ending it right. he said he was just so messed up he didnt think straight.......
I was so afraid when he left....I hated him but didnt want to loose him at the same time. I made love to him last night...Then I cried after and he cried too and told me how much he loved me and how much he hated himself for doing this.
Then this moring came. I didnt go to work again. I feel so much pain. I went to the doctor and got a perscription...I set up an appt. with a mc tomorrow at 12:00. My husband is going to go too. I am just in so much pain and hurt so bad. I want our relationship to be ok. But at the same time it hurts so bad...How will I forget. I need the pain to go away

D:

I am so sorry. This is absolutely awful for you. How hard this is to live through.

However, this is only the beginning. Many times the revelations come in layers. I have read many accounts of the truths coming out bit by bit.

There is some good here. Actually, there is a lot of good here. Your H is remorseful. He is going to MC with you. You went to the Dr. and got a prescription, I am guessing for antidepressants (keep in mind they take up to 2 weeks to work).

The pain is still fresh and raw. But, it is going to get better. There are hundreds of examples here. Keep reading the posts.

NC does not always happen overnight. Many times it takes weeks to months, with several mis-steps for NC to hold fast. Please remember, this is an addiction you are dealing with.

Personally, my FWH broke NC promises twice before he wrote the NC letter, and was able to keep it going. And yes, the first break, he met with the XOW and they spent the night together. The date? Burned into my memory - 6/14/04, 5 weeks after D-day. The second break was e-mail C only, but as far as I am concerned C is C. The dates? 8/10/04-9/1/04. I found the e-mails, then found MB. How I wish I'd found MB on D-day, or better yet, before the A began.

One more thing: Not to excuse your H, absolutely not, but, frequently it is very difficult for the WS to confess everything all at once. How shameful for them. How humiliating. And, with every revelation, they see the fresh, renewed pain in our eyes, knowing they caused it.

So, it is essential that you make it safe for your H to tell you the truth. As in, you can't beat him up anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />But, seriously, you really need to create a safe haven for him to confide in you.

Remember, the OW became his confidant. You have to relaim that. That, IMO, is as important as the sexual reclamation. And, look, you made love to him already. Good for you!

Blessings and prayers.

I don't know what to say to help because I am struggling with the same thing myself. I found out about my WH's PA nearly four months ago and since that time I have not been able to do anything with him. Like you, it just makes me sick to think about it. Going to see an IC helped because he made me see that some of the feelings were not just to do with the PA. The total panic and despair I feel when I think about it are linked to feelings of having no control, a fear of being abandoned etc. If you can work on those feelings that can help.

If this doesn't work, you can try blocking it. As soon as it starts, let your mind go blank and try to think of something good instead. After I found out about my H's affair, I also found out that he had been looking at porn in secret. I feel doubly disgusted by him.

That doesn't mean that I have no feelings for him but right now I have no intention of doing anything with him and I think that's OK. The repulsion you feel is your brain's way of telling you 'this person has hurt you, you can't get close to them again'. And that's OK. I wouldn't worry about it, you have time on your side. Don't dwell on it.

As for the OW, what can I say? She sounds desperate. Of course, she will say horrible things to you. What we don't realise is that despite the huge amount of hatred that we feel for the OW, that they actually hate us as well - at the very least for having the power to 'stop their fun', in your case, because your H obviously loves you and not her.

As for the OW being size 2, forget that. She is obviously a needy desparate person to boot. Of course she gave your husband things you could not: in a REAL relationship we do not spend 100% of our waking hours trying to present ourselves in a good light or trying to think up ways to flatter another's ego. Remember the sex with the OW was just that - sex. It wasn't a real relationship like your marriage is. Your husband didn't know her well and she didn't know him. They only knew the bits they wanted to make public.

As for your husband not being affectionate to you, but being affectionate to her, this seems to me like your H has a problem that he needs to address. One thing I've learned about my own h is that he has a knack of picking up needy desperate people where he can be the 'knight in shining armour'. That is easy to do in a superficial relationship but try being it in a real relationship. Perhaps that's why the OW thought he was affectionate : a) she expected less from him b) it is easier to give superficially.

Hope some of this helps. I sympathise with you. All I can say is that 4 months down the line for me the times I think about it are less. It's not easier when I do but I am not consumed by it.

Please don't let this deluded woman ruin your life. Your H chose YOU not her.

One last thing, on the subject of why he was contacting when things were good for you: your H probably felt some responsibility towards her i.e. although he didn't want to continue it, he couldn't just dump her. You will only know if you ask him.

D,
I wanted to post to you as I do know some of your pain.
I have been married for 17 years. Your posts mirrow what I have been going through, and still do.

I have read surviving the affair, his needs her needs, just about every darn post here, and also the forums on the MB site. All of it, and it does not take the pain away.

You and I must feel the pain. I am also getting the truth in layers. Each time a new truth comes out, it is like DDAY all over again.

My WH told me almost verbadum what your WH did. For the past 6 months our relationship had become wonderful, with the sex, affection, attention, conversation. I felt so close to him, that when he went to work I felt like some of me went with him, and I was so lonely and wanted him with me.

Then the OW called and told me how much she loved him. Go figure, she knew he was married with 4 kids, she knew what she and he were doing, she and he made a choice to do this. Now she is telling me she loves him. This also was not the first call I recieved from her. I had a few along the whole affair, but thought it was someone that I had fired. Until I got details. The pain hit and overwhelmed me. It also like the truth comes in waves.

The people on this board are willing to help you. Your WH wants to work on the marriage.
The best thing that I have learned here is:

1. First and foremost you have a choice. You did not when they had thier affair, but now YOU have a choice. You can work on the M or not, it is up to you.

2. You need to fix you. Get the AD and the counseling. Take care of yourself. I know this is hard and I struggle with it everyday. After 17 years of doing for others I feel guilty for trying to do for me. But you must, even if only for 10 minutes at a time.

3. Stick to your guns on NC. You do not have to be a doormat. You are a good person with a good heart.

4. Your WH needs to show you that he loves you. Not just say the words. He needs to earn your trust back. It is the action that speaks right now, the words all are blah blah blah at times if the actions are not there.

5. Remember, even if you dont believe this right now, the A was not about you. The struggle with the M and the distance you two may have had before the A was a little of both of you, but you did not have the affair, you did not make the choice to look elsewhere, you did not continue with the A after things were better, you did not deserve this. But it was about a selfish, selfcentered, stupid choice that he made.

I wish I could be near you to give you a great big hug. I am there with you each and everyday. Our storys are almost overlapping. If I didnt know better I would think you were me. And it helps me to know that I am not alone. You are not alone either. I felt and continue to feel like I lost my best friend, soulmate, lover and husband on DDAY. When I first found out I internalized it all. I am fat, but ok with it. I was part of the problem. I accept that, but I will not accept that I caused the A. I felt guilty for not wanting him to touch me, even the thought of him at times made me vomit. I can sit near him now, but the pain is still there.

You will get thru this. You will be strong. You will have a better M if you chose to work on it. These are things I keep telling myself every day, sometimes every minute. Try it and see.

JE

OW is losing her grip. Your H sounds more committed to you than her.

Call Steve H now so you both can have a plan. Be prepared for the OW t/g wacko if she hasn't already. Take safety precautions for your personal and financial safety. Do a backgroung check on the OW.

The OW in your case is displaying dangerous tendancies that your H may not realize until she does something stupid like file bogus RO charges against your H or even you. The OW in our case did just that. She filed bogus RO charges against the Xws and we both had to go to court. The RO was implemented but more for H's safety than OWs. The judge could see she was a nut. We did not counter the RO. The OW even went so far as to file another RO in our county. Her process server told her she was nuts for doing it, at least that is what he told us, then he said he wouldn't serve H with the notice because it was bogus. An RO is an RO no matter what county it orgintated in.

OWs like drama.

L.

Thanks all..decided to take a little break to get my mind together. We went to the MC. He was great. My husband has now truley told me everything...although it does hurt, I wanted to know the details so he gave them to me. I could see it really hurt him telling me. He is showing great remorse for what he did. He said in the beginning he wasnt really looking...she manipulated him and befriended him and he really liked the friendship. After it became more, he said it killed him, but we still werent doing great at the time and he couldnt stop. When things started really going good for us he new he didnt want to do this anymore. He started to see her less and less, but she kept after him and he said it became almost like an addiction that he didnt know how to get out of. He said that the last time they were together he just wanted to come home and doesnt know why he didnt. He said he wanted to see her one last time just to make sure he really didnt want her anymore. He said he realized everything he wanted was in front of him and that he was a fool and made the biggest mistake of his life. He said he will never forget how much he hurt me and will live with that the rest of his life. He begged me to let him made that up to me and that he wanted to show me with actions how much he really loves me. He is being kind, tender, loving, calling me everyday, and is always wanting to be with me. I am still very hurt and think about her alot...still asks little questions about her which he answers willingly, but I am realizing how much he does love me. I am having sex with him again now and it is very passionate. I guess under the circumstance I am one of the lucky ones. Both my husband and I have both made a decision to move forward. It is the hardest thing I ever had to do..but...I do love him..and for the first time since she is absolutly out of the picture, I feel his love for me. He said since she is no longer in the picture...he realizes how easy it is to love me and the strain of lying to me is a big relief now that he doesnt have to do that anymore. He says he wants to dedicate the rest of his life to loving me and me only. Wow..I know this hasnt been long since I found out, and although I still feel the pain, I also feel more love for him right now then ever before. I decided to let some of the pain go and let him in...it has been the best decision ever. Thank you all again so very much for your help.

By the way...I know it is not for everyone..but I also wanted to share that I went off the medication. It didnt take away the pain..but at the time it did help calm me down, however, when I made the decision to move forward, I also noticed it took the bad feelings away along with the good...I sort of felt blah...not really feeling anything. My husband and I decided that if we were to really and truly move forwar and feel that real love for each other, he said he would take the bad days I had in order for me to have the really good days. Don't get me wrong, I have had some bad days...but the good days are great..just the feel of him holding my hand makes me feel the strongness of our love. I wasnt able to feel that strong powerful love while I was on the medication. So for me...a few bad days is worth it to have those powerful feeling great days.

Glad to hear your H is sooo repentant. Getting off the anti-d's is hard. Take care of yourself with good food, exercise and diet and you will be back to normal (I'm no doctor, just using common sense - so please take it with a grain of salt). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

IMHO, you both still need a recovery plan. Please seriously consider giving Steve H a call. He can really help both of you.

Many who have gone into recovery w/o a plan have suffered setbacks. Would hate to see that happen in your sitch.

take care,
L.