I'm in major confusion so I'm sure this post will be confusing, but I need advice on how to proceed.
STBX brought DD home last night and I had been crying. He wanted to know what was wrong and immediately a wall went up. How could I tell him that I miss him? So I said nothing. Then my phone rings and it is a guy that I met and I ignore the call. I get a comment from STBX about my BF is looking for me and I start to cry. I end up telling him that I am having difficulty letting go of him. He becomes very loving hugging me, wanting to help me. He states that he doesn't know why I can't let go, I don't want him anymore. He has said this often lately. I replyed that What if I did want him? would that change anything? He said maybe.
I questioned about GF and he said that he is living in a state of limbo and taking things day by day. In my heart I knew that he didn't really love her, but it hasn't kept him from having sex with her and taking our DD around her.

Here is what I need advice on. He is coming down to help build our DD swingset on Wed. and he said we will talk. I don't know what to say. I can see that WH wasn't going to fight for me. He may not be happy, but he will let this D go thru because he thinks that is what I want. Now I bent over backwards to save this M. I don't know if I can give anymore, but I felt so excited that there still may be hope. I'm scared to put myself out there. WH has told so many lies and has always liked knowing that I was waiting for him. Perhaps it's the ego thing of two women wanting him. I don't know where he is at mentally and I don't think I will get him to verbalize it. So how much do I say? How much do I put my heart out there?
Do I want him back? yes and no. I hate what he has done to me and I don't know if he is capable of changing.
I'm not even sure what I am asking for help for. I'm just confused. Maybe I hoped writing it would help me. Thanks for listening

Luckystar,

I understand your emotions. They can all be so scrambled and crazy, huh? It's perfectly normal to feel all the things you feel.

After having dealt with my H's unfaithfulness for quite some time now, I've learned a few things along the way. Unfortunately, I've had to learn things the hard way. I still have much to learn.

One of the big things I've learned is to not pay much attention to what my H says but rather watch what he does. My H is a charmer and he's delighted to have a couple women who are both wanting him. He loves the ego-boost this provides.

He is very adept at keeping two women on his little string. My H is a very effective liar and manipulator. So, I guess what I'm saying is to be very careful about what you say and what you believe. I have to constantly remind myself of these two truths.

I've always been very transparent about my thoughts and feelings. This is something my H has been able to use against me. I felt I was just being honest and caring to let him know how much I still loved him and wanted him. But in reality, it empowered him to know that he was in the position of control. Does any of this make sense to you? I know what I'm trying to say. I'm just not sure I'm communicating it very well.

I wish you the best in your situation. Stay strong and be careful. God bless!

Why did I even get my hopes up? He comes down tonight and never touched the swingset. He is so different. Long story short, he wants the D. He has no idea what I am talking about- we never had that previous talk. GF called his cell while he was here. They made plans for him to go over after he left.
I feel like a dog that keeps getting beat, but keeps going back. Why did I let him do it to me? Does he get off on hurting me and making me cry? Stupid me - I showed him that I wanted him again and how I felt and I feel like he used it to hurt me. When will I ever learn? How do I get over him and to the state of indifference? I could just kick myself for being so stupid. How many times do I have to allow him to trample on my heart before I can tell him to go to and mean it? I have live this mess fighting for him for almost 3 years. Enough is enough, but I still feel like I can't let go of this hope.

It hurts to love someone sometimes, especially if they are treating you poorly.

I think you did the right thing by telling him how you really feel. If you don't want the divorce then certainly don't pretend that you do. At least you know where his mind is presently.

I agree with Leah, don't listen so much to what he says, watch what he does. People in affairs don't particularly think very clearly. It is strange about his 24 hour about-face with the possibility of saving the marriage. I wonder if there is trouble in paradise with the OW? Could she be jealous that he is spending time with his wife? She could be putting the pressure on him, if she is then he may begin to wake up a little and realize that she isn't really "all that". Maybe you should seduce him and then let her know how much fun you had? (I'm just mean I guess)

I'm very sorry for your situation.

How is that little girl? I bet she is into everthing. I have a 19 month girl and boy is she a mess. Head-first down the steps, pulling electric cords and chashing the cats . . . god I love her.

Cheers,

CN