Just went to first IC visit this afternoon (the one last week was basically just an intake/assessment with a different counselor). It was a good visit, and thought I'd post my impressions and get any input. It's my first time seeing a counselor, so this is all new to me.

As you'll recall, if you've been following this thread, after my confession, BW wanted me to go to IC. She was right, of course (as always), I do have stuff to figure out -- issue #1 being HOW could I go and do something so stupid as to have an A -- but there's other stuff related to my personality and drive for success, etc. that probably isn't that healthy.

So, I like the counselor. She's a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker who I found through my office. It's only been a single 1-hour session but I think she's going to be good.

I gave her the in-the-nutshell lowdown on the situation and she basically gave me the following things to do/mull:

1. IC thinks I'm maybe being a tad too hard on myself. Guilt and remorse are fine and healthy and deserved and appropriate and important for my spouse to see, but she thinks I'm taking it to the extreme (I'm kind of a mess). She says I need to start distancing myself from the A a bit and not be so fixated on my regrets about it, otherwise I'll never be able to be strong and help BW get through. IC says she thinks BW has little doubt that I'm remorseful (did I mention I'm kind of a mess?), but that taking it too far, and indicating that I might never be able to forgive myself just raises the question that I might end up a broken man because of this (and that might even be less attractive than an adulterer).

2. IC thinks I'm not giving our relationship enough credit. Despite the overall (good/improving) health of the relationship, and BW's repeated assurances that "we can work through this," I'm paralyzed by the fear that it could be over. This is normal, too, but she said she thinks that from the sounds of things, we have a long history together, a very loving relationship, strong family connections, communication that has improved substantially, and a baby on the way. Plus, our most stressful and difficult times are behind us and we've learned from them. These are all positive things I need to focus on to inject a little more realism into my assessment of the situation instead of all the doom and gloom I've been feeling.

3. IC says I'm probably putting too much pressure on BW. By repeatedly asking if there's anything I can do to help, or if there's anything she wants to talk about, or saying I'm sorry all the time, I'm dredging up the A and trying to move forward into recovery before she's ready. IC says I should tell BW that I'm ready to talk about it whenever she'd like, then leave it alone for a few weeks and suggest a conversation about the A if BW doesn't bring it up during that time. This will give her a chance to process without feeling pressure.

Those are the big three for now. I'll work on them. Any thoughts are, of course, appreciated.

Hi all (again) -

Just a good-news update following my IC post from yesterday. Don't mean to go on and on with such frequent postings, but I find it helps me to write and, of course, I'm always fishing for comments/input from any and all.

Picked up BW from work yesterday, and she asked how my IC session went. I told her it was strange to share my personal thoughts/feelings with anyone but her -- but that it was actually enjoyable and helpful, which she was glad to hear (she's been worried about me).

I told her the three big things that IC went over that I cited above:

First, that I'm being too hard on myself. BW said "I agree with that one completely. There are much worse things people do in a marriage and you've really gone overboard in beating yourself up. You've taken remorse to an extreme. I know how sorry you are." (my A didn't go "all the way," by the way)

Second, that I'm not giving the relationship enought credit to be able to withstand something like this. BW said "I agree with that one too -- our relationship is strong and we can get through this."

Third, that I'm putting too much pressure on BW with my frequent "are you OK?" and "is there anything I can do?" questions. BW didn't comment much about this one, but it was clear (from her silence) that she agreed with IC's assessment and that she is feeling pressured by me to "move things along."

When we got home, she gave me a kiss on the lips (first one since d-day! :-) ) and a big hug, and said "I'm so happy you're feeling better after going." I told her that going to IC helped, but that mostly I was thrilled to hear that she agreed with the IC's assessment. Because we haven't really talked about all this very much, it's been hard to get through to BW and figure out what's on her mind -- she has trouble sharing her feelings even under the best of circumstances. The IC's thoughts, I think, serve as sort of a proxy communication for us. Instead of saying "I think," I can say "IC thinks" and that provides kind of a buffer that makes it easier for me and BW to communicate right now. If that makes sense...

BW has been, I think, very concerned about my mental state and has seen me falling apart a bit. So this response (the kiss and hug) is I think as much a sense of relief on her part that I'm on my way to getting better and stronger and things will be easier for her to deal with because I won't be quite such a mess. She is a saint.

Her overall responses are, I think, good news. Now (when she's ready, obviously) we can hopefully get moving on to the next stage and start actually dealing with this between me and her. I love her so much -- more than anything in the world -- and want to help her heal and get the pain out and (eventually) under control, but I guess she's just not ready yet. We're two weeks from d-day today and have only really had one or two conversations about the A. As you all can tell, I'm on pins and needles.

LHS,

Sounds like you are on the right track. Congratulations! You two will be fine and I think your marriage will be better than ever in the end. Both of you will have learned a lot out of this unfortunate experience.

Good luck to you both!

Hi LH,

Everything sounds good so far.And your IC also sounds good too.Always a concern when it comes to the subject of Infidelity.

You are both very fortunate not to be dealing with any sexual aspects.Believe me,it makes it all so much more profoundly horrible.This I am sure,is partly why your W may be able to overcome the A better than you might think and the fact it's been over for some time.

Stay the course and do read over on Recovery if you can.You'll see first hand how those in Recovery are doing at all stages and you may even come across some issues that may be in your future and how to deal with them.

Good luck and keep on postin'~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

Thanks for the votes of confidence, you guys. They're appreciated.

Just want to let you know that we went in for the first ultrasound together today and say the baby and heard the heartbeat! Beating strong and fast -- great indicators that the baby's going to be healthy and all is going well.

That was weighing heavily on both our minds, so this is good news in general and also in terms of moving forward!

Will keep you posted.

- love her so

Hi folks -

Just an update from the weekend. In general, a pretty good weekend, though it had some ups and downs (normal, I guess, for 2 1/2 weeks past d-day, right?).

As I mentioned, Friday we had our first ultrasound and it ended up being a very, very good day. It's amazing how this baby stuff can totally block the A from both of our minds. It was so exciting to see the baby, and it's incredible how one has the ability to love something so much even when it's so small and hardly looks like a person.

Anyway, like I said, we were both ecstatic about seeing the baby on the monitor and seeing and hearing the heartbeat. We had been concerned a little because it's so early and we really (obviously) want the baby to be OK. BW was so happy and she allowed me to give her lots of kisses (on the lips, even...) and hugs. It felt so good. Physical contact has been few and far between, and I really miss it -- she clearly does too but breaking through the barrier is still tough and I'm guessing will be for a long time.

Anyway, Saturday was just OK. Got up early to make BW some toast (she had morning sickness). Later, we went shopping and picked up a few baby things (just some bibs) and spent some really good time together -- it seemed like just old times before the A. She took a nap when we got back and I really worked my butt off to get all kinds of work done around the house.

Saturday afternoon, though, she went for a long walk (alone -- she's "walking fast" instead of running now that she's preg) and came back pretty down in the dumps. She talked to me a little about how she's having trouble "figuring it all out" and coping with all this big news -- both the baby news plus the A -- at once. She said things go along fine then she starts thinking about it and it really makes her sad and bothers her. I told her I was sorry, and she says what she usually does: "I know you are." But that was the extent of the conversation. She just won't talk about it yet. I feel so awful for her and I wish I could just take the pain away.

Went out to dinner at a restaurant she really liked Saturday night, but the conversation was muted, and though she enjoyed the dinner, I'm not so sure she enjoyed my company.

We got home and watched a little TV then went up to bed. She got upset with me because she said she can't help but feel that all the added stuff I'm doing around the house, plus the extra "I love you's" are motivated simply by guilt or that I'm just trying to get back in her good graces and that it all reminds her of the A. I told her that all extra stuff I'm doing is honestly motivated by love, and she said "I guess so" but didn't seem very convinced.

She said she's having a particularly tough time because she feels like she can't get mad at me because I'm already so mad at myself (for the A -- I've really given myself a beating) and down (because of my situation at work, etc.) that she feels like she would just be "piling on" and that it would make her feel guilty.

She said she feels "stuck" -- that she wants to get past this but that she feels like she can't get her anger and sadness out because she thinks I can't take it right now. I told her that I would just have to take it and that she should get it out because she needs to and it could very well be much worse later if we don't deal with it. She said
she couldn't help but feel guilty for making me feel bad, that it's just her personality.

I told her I was trying to be strong, and that I can live with all the other pressures (job search, grad school, bad current work situation), but that my number one worry is her, and because she hasn't gotten any of this stuff out, I'm walking on eggshells because I'm worried that a bomb is going to go off any minute and she's finally going to unload on me. After that she said she just needed to go to sleep, and went to bed pretty mad and resentful, I think.

As soon as I woke up on Sunday she held my hand and told me she loved me and needed me. I said thanks so much and told her how much I loved her, etc. It was so nice and felt so good. I'm so in love with her -- it's deeper than ever before.

We went to church and then to the store and shopped for a few more baby things -- bought a matching "onesie," hat, and blanket. It was cool and just the act of purchasing the stuff made me so excited and a little overcome with emotion.

I spent the rest of the day working on a paper for grad school and she hung around at home reading and doing a few things around the house. Had a good dinner together at a small local fast food place, then came home and spent time watching TV -- then off to bed. Just another normal Sunday.

Today she's been fairly cold on the phone, though. We used to call and e-mail each other 3-4 times a day, each. She really hasn't called me at all or emailed since d-day. We used to always close every conversation with both of us saying "I love you." Now it's just me saying it and her responding with "OK" or "I know" -- every once in a while I get the "me too." It's these little things that are getting to me. I know I deserve it all and more but it hurts and I just wish sometimes that the bomb would go off so we could get things out on the table.

- Love Her So

LHS,

This is a long process. Nothing solid is going to happen overnight. Just don't give up on her and always be there for her.

It is so awesome to see a FWS be so supportive and in love with their spouse again. I think you are doing everything you can right now. I know this is hard for you to see because it feels like you are doing nothing or not doing it right. Coming from the BS I can see that you are putting in 100% to your recovery. Honestly there is nothing more that you can do at this point.

Quit beating yourself up so hard. It will take time and when that time comes that she does want to talk about it all then you will need your energy for that time. Take it easy on yourself. You know how it happened, and you are fixing the damage done.

I will say a prayer for you tonight because I believe you are worth it. I think you are a great man with a heart of gold for your wife. I am glad that you love her more than ever now, that is the way it should be.

HINY

LHS,

I know this roller coaster ride is hard for you, but keep doing what you are doing. Some of it may be attributed to the change in her hormones as well due to her pregnancy. You are doing fine. Keep communicating and talking. Tell her how much you are falling in love with your baby. EVERY woman would love to hear something like that. This may help you to express your love in a different way and it may help her open up a bit.

Don't expect miracles; recovery is hard work and it takes time.

You say that the two of you go to church. Is there anyone at your church that you may be able to talk to? Maybe the two of you can light a candle and say a prayer together and ask God to help and guide you towards healing and a stronger marriage.

HINY and dusa -

First of all, thanks for the kind words of encouragement and the prayers. As you can probably tell, I am having a really tough time right now and can't begin to tell you how much the support means to me.

I KNOW this is a very long process, that we're just at the beginning, and I need to be more patient and strong for BW. I'm trying hard, but my results are pretty spotty thus far. I just find it so hard to be strong when the very foundation of my life (my M with BW) is at risk (however small) of crumbling, my job situation is totally uncertain, and all the other pressures of life (grad school, etc.) are bearing down on me.

I know I owe BW strength, and I'm trying my best -- but I just don't feel like I'm delivering very well. When I'm under stress, she's the only one I lean on. My failure to deliver in the strength department makes me feel weaker, and that has put me into a bit of a vicious cycle that weakens me day by day and certainly doesn't help her...

At the same time, I also know that all signs from BW are that things are going to work out for us. She has told me several times that "we're going to make it through this." But the fear that this M could end, ever -- however irrational that fear may be -- is virtually consuming me to the point where I'm having trouble thinking about much else. I love her so much and can't imagine life without her. Couple that with the pregnancy, and all the emotions surrounding the baby, and I'm pretty much a wreck right now. I go to IC Thursday. Maybe that will help a bit.

I guess I would feel better if BW and I could just talk things out -- even once -- to sort of get us on the path to reconciliation/recovery. I dream of a conversation in which she actually gets mad and emotional over this whole thing, lays out her feelings and tells me what I can do to help her through. I guess there's not much to do, though, but sit and wait for that to happen.

It's good to hear that someone thinks I'm doing something right, because it certainly doesn't feel like it and I have no results to show for it so far...

LHS,

I know exactly what you are going thru only I'm on the other end - I'm the BW. My WH will not discuss the EA and I feel that there is so much more to it and he believes that he is saving me from pain by just not wanting to discuss it anymore and move on with our lives. He wants to resume marriage counseling, but not discuss the EA. This confuses the heck out of me and it scares me very much. I wish, like you, we could just talk it out and get EVERYTHING out in the open so that we can learn from it and hopefully have a better marriage. My husband is attentive and loving and I KNOW that he wants this marriage, but he's not helping by not wanting to discuss what led us to this point in the first place. He thinks that he's aware of what led to this breakdown - job pressures, intimacy issues etc. and now that those have been resolved and NC has been established, he feels that I do not have a right to "nag" him about the EA any longer. I tried, but there are so many unanswered questions that I wish we could address in MC. Our marriage IS better, but this is not enough for me. I'm afraid that if we do not learn from what happened and actively recognize where we failed, it could or may happen again. And that scares me...

Do you think that you may be getting depressed a bit right now? Maybe your IC could prescribe a light anti-depressant medication that you can take just for a little while until you feel better? I'm not big on AD meds and I've never been on any myself, but I know that there are lots of people on MB that have been helped over the initial hump by taking the AD meds. Just an idea. Discuss your feelings with your IC and let her know how difficult this is for you.

You have a lot on your plate right now - school, job search, impending fatherhood. Those are all big stepping stones and add the revelation of the A to that and it's no surprise that you are feeling the way you are.

You did the right thing by telling your wife and it was courageous and it speaks of your character. Don't ever second-guess yourself regarding this. Better she found out from you than finding out thru the grapevine someday or thru other means. I found out about my WH's EA when I accidentally came across racy emails between the two of them. It hurt like h*ll to read these things. They are engrained in my brain now. Sometimes I wish that I would have never read this and I would have found out the way your wife did (if my WH would have just confessed to me).

Have you ever thought about maybe writing some of these things down for your wife rather than discussing it? Do you think she might be receptive to a written word from you? Bring it up in your counseling session.

I do think that you are doing better than you give yourself credit for and I do not think that your marriage will crumble. It's rocky and bumpy right now, but that's part of marriage, too.

Don't wear yourself out though. Keep doing nice things for your wife and keep telling her how much you care and how much you are looking forward to becoming a Daddy. But don't oversmother her. Show her some strength too and that she can lean on you for support. Be her pillar and her lighthouse! It's okay to show remorse, but you also need to show her strength that you have learned from this and you are going to come out a bigger, stronger and better man and husband.

Take care of yourself and stay out of the heat!

Hi lovesheso,
I think you did the right thing by telling her too. My H just told me 6 weeks ago and I wish he was as remorseful and committed as you are. I think you should give her the time she needs but there other things you can do to show that you're committed to her and your relationship. Helping her in anyway you can to make her life easier is a start.....even if it involves scrubbing the toilet. Believe me she may not say much but she will notice. I know that after my husband told me that I was in shock and just observed his behavior for awhile to see if his actions and words add up. It is a horrible situation but I admire your honesty in not living with a lie any longer.
Grace

Well said, Grace. I feel exactly like you. LHS is doing a good job and I have a lot of faith and him and his wife will be okay in the end. The shock and revelation is still so new to his wife and it will take time.

Hi gang -

First off, thanks again for all the words of encouragement and support. Like I said, they're appreciated greatly during this difficult time. I'm kind of surprised with myself. I'm not a discussion board or chat room kind of guy at all, but this board has become such a big help for me, and the people here are great (especially the folks who have joined in this thread -- thanks guys).

An update:

I'm actually feeling a little better today, for a couple of reasons.

First, I think I finally managed to appear a little stronger last night to BW and not so "falling apart" as I kind of have been over the past few weeks since D-day. As I mentioned before, when she sees that I'm a wreck, she feels like she can't talk about the A or what's going on in her head because she's afraid to hurt me or make me feel worse. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the woman is a saint. If I can just resolve to be a little stronger each day, and successfully pull it off, I think that will help both of us, but her in particular (I really don't care about me all that much anyway). I just have to stick to it.

Second, BW seems to be warming up a bit more and more each day. As I've mentioned, she really hasn't been all that "cold" anyway. She's been very good to me -- much better than I deserve, considering. Things have generally been pretty "normal" but there have been some little "bumps": not responding to my e-mails, not calling me at the office, not responding to my "I love yous" with "I love you too," no real physical contact, and a little anger and resentment starting to seep out. These are super minor, of course, and expected, but they still hurt. But yesterday she responded to a couple of my e-mails, and her mood seemed a little better later in the day. She's also been giving me quite a few "I love you too's" lately.

I'm going hour-by-hour, and things could change quickly, but I'm starting to get the feeling that she's (after three weeks) beginning to come to grips with all this. Just a feeling I have. Last night before we went to bed, she asked "Do you love me?" I told her that I abolutely do and that I'm in love with her and will always and forever be committed to her. Then she asked "Do you love me more than anything or anyone?" And I said I definitely do, and always have -- although I told her the baby is likely to soon become a close second. She didn't say much else, but seemed to take my answers as reinforcing something she already knew but just wasn't feeling quite secure about right now because of the A.

Dusa - Sorry to hear that your husband is less responsive. Looks like we're in similar boats -- your WH doesn't want to discuss the A, my BW doesn't (at least not yet -- but I have to give her credit, it's only three weeks past d-day). Two sides of the same coin, it seems. Speaking for myself, I'd like to just "move on" and put this behind us too -- as your husband wants to do -- but I've been lurking on MB and reading other stuff enough to know that that can not be very healthy for the BS and be a recipe for disaster down the road.

I know I sound bad on this board some days, and I appreciate your concern, but as far as antidepressants go, I think I'm going to avoid them for now. I'm contending with a lot right now and I need to have a clear head. I think they work for some folks, but I just don't know about them working so well for me.

Finally. thanks also for the added encouragement as far as confessing goes. I guess I know it was the right thing to do, but it just seems to have brought so much pain. I just have to remember that it was my A that is causing the pain, not the revelation. She deserved to know -- I love her.

Thanks again. You guys are the best.

- Love Her So

LHS,

Glad to hear that you are doing better. There probably will be more bumps in the road, but you'll see that in time, they will appear less often.

One thing that disturbs me a little bit is when you write that right now, you don't really care about yourself all that much. You should, LHS, because that is going to make you stronger and especially look more attractive to your wife. I know how hard it is not to fall apart etc. After D-Day, I lost 18 pounds (mind you that I only started out weighing 115 pounds!!!) and I looked weak and pitiful to my WH. He started respecting me more once I got myself together a bit more, but you'll get there, don't worry. Just stop beating yourself up about this so much. Show your wife that you are a strong man who has made a terrible mistake, but you are owning up to it and you are committed to a better marriage with her. Pregnant women like to feel protected and cared for, so show her that you are THAT kind of man - strong, able and willing to take care of her. This will be hard, but you will have to work every day on not falling apart so much. Okay? Whenever you get that "weak" feeling, come to the MB website and vent here and we'll help you thru it. I'm not a board and chat room kinda gal either, but MB is different.

Someday, in the future, you will BOTH (your wife, too) have to address what has led your marriage to take this turn because the both of you have ownership in the breakdown, so that you understand what led to this and how you can protect your marriage from this in the future.

You'll be fine; don't worry so much!

On the strength front, I'm trying very hard. I really did do better yesterday -- I'm not sure BW noticed, but I did. Hopefully I'll do even better today and take it day-by-day trying to improve a little each day until I'm back to my usual strong self.

I tell you, I honestly used to be about the strongest, most outgoing, successful, confident guy I knew -- but this whole experience has really turned my into a shadow of my former self. I realize now what I never did before -- that for me, right or wrong, BW is a tremendous source of strength and confidence. I know someone's probably going to jump all over me, saying I should find those things from within and blah blah blah -- but in my case it's true and I'm fine with it.

Finally, I have to say that I was handed a bit of bit of bad news today. As I mentioned, I'm trying to find a new job. My current job situation is unpleasant and really not tenable in the short- or long-term right now. It's complicated, but the bottom line is I need out, and SOON. I've been searching for jobs and I had an interview scheduled for today but the interviewer totally just blew me off. I went across town to go to the meeting and they told me he just wasn't going to be able to do it today and needed to reschedule. This really bums me out and would normally be something that would weaken me, but today I'm just trying to suck it up and deal. I called BW to tell her what happened, because I told her I would report in to let her know how it went, but I have to be careful tonight not to get down and keep being strong.

Ugh. All this stuff at once.

Hi LHS,
FWW here - over six months into recovery now. We are still going through ups and downs (mostly ups though). I know it's hard, but just realize that your W is going to probably need a lot of time to sort through all her feelings. Sometimes she is going to be ok, sometimes thoughts are going to hit her that take her down and sometimes she's might get angry, sad, etc.

It's ok. That means she's working through this news. This is going to take months though, and just like me, I'd get comfortable with helping her through ups and downs for a long time to come. From everything I've read, you're doing very, very well.

You don't necessarily have to be "tough" or "strong", but more "there" for her. Listening, hugging, expressing your sadness and remorse, because yes, you both are going through a tough time.

My H is a wonderful man and is really working through this admirably. It just takes time though. Patience and time.

Good for you in getting into baby-stuff. It's good for you and it shows your W through actions that you are committed to your family.

Hang in there. Don't let the job-issue bring you down either. Easy for me to say, eh? Your W probably feels more vulnerable than usual (pregnancy, A, home stress). She needs you now more than ever.

GS

Hi everybody --

Could really use a hand this morning. Just had a long talk on the phone with BW and I'm at a loss for what to do and what to think right now. I'm spinning a bit. Please help!

This description is going to be kind of complicated, I'm afraid, but here goes:

BW was in a bit of a bad mood this morning. At home she came back upstairs from breakfast (I was in the bedroom getting ready for work) and seemed very down. So I said "Are you OK?" and she said "I'm just still really confused" (about the A). I said that was totally understandable, and "I'm sorry," and asked if there was anything I could do to help, or if she wanted to talk about it. She said no, that she was just going to have to figure it out and deal with it on her own. I said that we might want to try and get through it together (she has said "no" to both IC and MC), and that I was there whenever she needed me. I gave her a hug and told her I love her. She was pretty unresponsive, and I had to get to work, so I left the house feeling really empty, down, and scared -- despite my efforts to hide these feelings, they were probably obvious to her.

I called her at her job later this morning to say hi and see how she was doing. She immediately asked if I was OK, and said she was worried about me and that I sounded bad and seemed to be in very rough shape. I told her not to worry about me, that I was concerned about her, that she sounded down, and I offered again to help.

She said she was confused and feeling insecure because if an A happened once with me, she keeps thinking about how it might happen again if I found someone more interesting or attractive. She said she knew this wasn't really a rational fear, given the way I've reacted to this A (it's been clearly toxic to my soul), but it was a fear she had nevertheless. I told her the fear sounded very normal to me and totally understandable. I also told her there was no way that it could or would happen again -- that I would do anything to earn back her trust, and that my current condition was proof positive that doing anything like an A again would kill me.

I said again that she shouldn't be worrying about me -- that she should be worrying about herself. She said she couldn't help it, and then started to get kind of mad. She said that she was basically getting sick of trying to help me through this and feeling like my "counselor," that she couldn't do it for much longer and was getting to the end of her rope.

She said I was too fixated on the A and trying to move us forward into recovery, and that with things like this I'm just going to have to live some some discomfort and insecurity until she's ready to deal with it. She doesn't want to deal with it right now, has too much going on to deal with it right now, and when she does decide to deal with it she's going to deal with it on her own and may or may not ask for my help.

She said she can't understand why I can't seem to get past it, that it's "not that big a deal." She's said again and again that we'll get through this and our marriage will make it, but it's going to take time -- and "why can't I believe" her?

I said I was trying to be strong, not lean on her for support, not talk about the A unless she brings it up, not put pressure on her to deal with it, and hide my up-and-down emotions from her so she doesn't get the sense that I'm in rough shape and feel compelled to help me or "counsel." I honestly have been trying not to push, other than to offer support and help. My emotions are my emotions -- I'm broken up about this, feel awful, want to help her, and want to get us through this. The emotions are hard to hide, but I'm trying.

The kicker is I though I had been doing a better job of not putting any additional strain on her. Guess not.

So this is what the roller coaster is like, huh? Looks like I just hit my first real loop. I'm just afraid there are worse ones ahead.

I go to IC in a few hours. Any suggestions from folks here on MB would be appreciated.

Thanks -

Love Her So

Find out her most important emotional needs and fill fill fill.

persistance
patience
and
consistency

hold her and don't always talk ... sometimes we women don't want you to "do" anything but "be there" with us and listen.

Just like PEP says:

I especially love it when my FWH grabs me and holds onto me like he doesn't want to let me go. He does this when I least expect him to do it. It makes me feel like a "precious jewel", like he found me again and is afraid that he will lose me. Early on in R, he also used to often surprise me with little "gifts", little special things that I like. He would just show up at my office with these. I have many of the enclosed "I love you" notes still on my bulletin board at work....

Often his ACTIONS speak louder to me than his WORDS....

Just a few thoughts. Give her time....

Thanks so much for the responses, you guys -- I'd be interested in any other help/input, so please keep them coming!

I am working very hard to try and fill her emotional needs right now, but she doesn't seem to want them to be filled by me, I'm afraid -- and would likely rebuff any attempts by me to do this. It's understandable, I guess. She's stubborn and fiercely independent in the first place, and now I've committed this breach of trust. I think it's going to be a long time before she's going to "let me back in" enough to try and take care of her needs. And, frankly, right now I don't precisely know what those needs are, mainly because I don't think she does, either.

I am certainly being persistent, which just seems to be annoying her and making her angry.

I am working hard to be patient, although I think she views me as impatiently trying to push her along toward recovery every time I offer support or help.

And I am being consistent, but I think I'm not consistently deivering what she needs -- because I don't think she knows exactly what that is yet.

As far as holding her or hugging her is concerned, she's pretty much got me shut down, physically, so that's out. She's OK with being around me (we're still sleeping in the same bed), but doesn't seem to want me in her personal space. She is willing to give me hugs once in a while, but, now that I think of it, it may be more because she feels bad for ME -- not because she herself really wants any closeness from me right now.

She tells me it's just going to take time, but it's been three weeks since d-day and each week seems to get a little bit worse as far as signs from her go. In the first week, physical contact shut off. Second week she was talking to me/e-mailing less and less. Third week she hardly ever responds "I love you" when I say it anymore.

I'm in a panic when I think about what next week might bring. Do you guys think we're in a permanent downward spiral or do you think it's just a normal BS downhill track she's going to be on for a while before she bounces back?

As far as little gifts go, I don't think she'd go for that, either. She has said that when I do "extra stuff" for her she just is reminded of the A, thinks I'm trying to make up for it, and thinks that me putting in extra effort is "too much" for me to take and that I'm just going to "wear myself out."

Ugh. I just don't know WHAT to do. She tells me we'll get through this, but right now she's got me completely shut down.

She tells me I'm trying too hard. I'm so frustrated and scared.

- Love Her So