Hi all -
I've lurked here for about two years, but this is the first time I've ever posted. There are lots of very brave and helpful people on this site, and you all and Dr. Harley should be proud of what you've built. For all involved in infidelity, this is a beacon of hope and help.
I'm the WH. I'm 34. Been married almost seven years. My A lasted about five months during a very difficult time in our marriage (first few years of marriage, very busy with work and grad school, very high-stress for us both, lots of fighting). The A was mostly just conversation, but a few times when we kissed -- no sex. I ended it more than two years ago. After it ended, I told myself that I just couldn't hurt my wife so badly by telling her, and that I would dedicate myself to improving the marriage on my end. I've spent the last two years doing that and by all accounts (my W included), it really became better and healthier than ever.
Oh, and as far as NC is concerned, OW and I work together, so I've had continued contact over this time, but nothing inappropriate at all. We've remained work friends and that is it. Before you beat me up too badly on that point, however, I did call and establish NC today. OW took it well and agreed.
I thought I had gotten through it and could keep it to myself and take my secret to the grave. Well, about eight weeks ago the memory of the A reared its ugly head again -- bad -- I could barely function and again became very depressed and guilty about the whole thing. My W began to notice and started to blame herself for not being able to make me happy. I couldn't live with that, plus the pain of the A memory, plus this single glaring dishonesty in a marriage that had otherwise improved so dramatically, plus the fact that she is now pregnant with our first child, so I finally confessed to her last week.
She deserved to know. It just came out during a very emotional night of talking and crying together. I didn't intend to tell her and I still wish I had waited until a less stressful time for her (but more about that in another post later).
She took it well initially, telling me almost immediately, "we'll get through this," and "it's going to be OK." She even at first started to say she was sorry for not being there for me when I needed her and that it pushed me into this. I stopped her immediately and told her it was 100 percent my fault and not to blame herself.
I've told her how much I love her, how much she means to me, how sorry and remorseful I am, and how I'll do anything to keep our M together.
She told me I needed to go to IC, which I've already started this week. I mentioned to her that she might want to do the same, or that we may want to do MC together. She says she's not sure about that -- saying that IC would just "drag out the memory" for her and that "we needed MC seven years ago -- not now. We've learned how to finally deal with each other over the past couple of years without counseling."
It's been almost a week now and we're still trying to get adjusted. She doesn't really want to talk about it (no questions yet about A details), and I haven't pressed, other than to tell her that I'm here for her 24/7 and will be ready to do whatever it takes, however uncomfortable, to move things forward (on her timeline) and help begin the path to recovery.
She's very tired because of the pregnancy and a very stressful time at work, and I can understand that she doesn't want to deal with this right now. She's said over and over that she "just wants things to be back to normal" and that she's "sad" and "confused" and that I'm "the last person she would ever expect to do something like this." I assume she's just still in the shock and denial stage, and I'm getting buckled up for the anger phase next, but it doesn't seem to be coming (it's only been a week). She obviously doesn't want to be touched by me (completely understandable), although she will sometimes permit a forehead kiss and occasional hug. She needs physical affection right now and it's killing me to see her not be able to get it from me because of what I've done.
So, here I am, just waiting. Waiting to see if she's going to get mad, give up, or get even somehow. I'm a mess, and she tells me that she feels sorry for me and the state I'm in. I tell her to worry about her, not me -- I deserve how I'm feeling, she doesn't. I'm trying to be strong but the tears come very easily (like this morning -- I woke up with my hand on her back in bed and she promptly removed it -- it was tough). I'm still in the house and she's let me stay in the bed as well.
I just don't know quite what else to do, so I'm looking for any input from all you pros out there.
I know it's early, but what do you think the prospects are? Any insight into what's going on in her head, or what tomorrow may bring? Anything more I can do? Anything I've done right? Anything I've done wrong (other than the obvious, of course)? How can I be stronger for her? I'm most worried that she's just opting not to deal with it at all and that it's going to be a much bigger problem later.
Just looking for some help and thoughts.
Thanks for reading.
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WH (me) 34
BW (her) 34
baby on the way
married almost 7 years
PA/EA Dec. 2002-Apr. 2003
d-day 06/30/05
